


The Beast Within

by Immortalpen



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Regency, Belligerent Sexual Tension, Ben Solo Pain Train, Bendemption, Bodice-Ripper, Both have a Rey obsession, British Empire, Controlling Kylo Ren, Dark Romance, F/M, Forbidden Love, Possessive Behavior, Possessive Ben Solo, Possessive Kylo Ren, Regency Romance, Rough Sex, Secret Relationship, Slow Burn, Virgin Rey, War, british aristocracy, class division, compromising arrangement, dark themes, decent into darkness, does she love him or fear him?, major angst ahead, rise into light, too many titles to count, upstairs/downstairs vibes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-07-23 07:25:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 147,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16154360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Immortalpen/pseuds/Immortalpen
Summary: Dark romance regency tale of fear and love, lust and obsession.She ran from him once, this time, he will not let her go.A very dark tale containing sensitive themes and explicit sexual material. Not a standard romance. You’ve been warned.





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

 

1801

 

The day Rey Niima’s life changed started like any other. She rose before dawn, and dressed as warmly as she could, pulling layers of threadbare clothing on, in an effort to trap what little heat her rail thin body managed to produce. The orphanage was awakening, the other children yawning and dressing, and yet, for a place with so many children, it was quiet. These were not children to chat and giggle, and this was not a place for laughter.

It was a place for the forsaken. A place to be forgotten.

She was out of the ramshackle building, and walking toward the bridge as soon as the sun was rising, heading for the mill she worked at across the river. The fog over the city lifted slowly, the fumes rising off the streets held down by the heavy clouds above.

She made it to work on time, and got her head down, manning the loom she was to stand at, ignoring how, hour after hour, her legs started to ache, a constant, pressing, ache, as though the very bones themselves were weeping.

She went to relieve herself after a few hours, crouching outside over an open latrine, the fumes of which made her eyes water. As she finished, brushing her filthy skirts down over her swollen legs, she saw the flash of a colour skirt from the corner of her eye. Curious, as most twelve year olds are, she followed the pretty fabric around the corner, to a secluded work shed. She had lost it, she thought, disappointedly, as she turned to go, before hearing a soft, feminine moan, and then, that bright, pale pink fabric was once again visible, peeking out from the other side of the wooden building. Rey crept closer, the feet silently sinking into the stinking mud of the yard and was shocked to see two people, engaged in rather private business, here outside, for all to see. That in itself was not unusual, she saw worse each day where she lived, but the couple in question were not low born, she could tell immediately from their cleanliness and clothes, as well as the fact that one of them was the man who visited the mill once a month, walking through and looking on everyone calculatingly, accompanied by the floor man.

She must have made a sound, for suddenly the couple flew apart, and Rey tried to back up, but caught her heel in the mud, and fell on her back.

“You girl – why are you out here instead of working?” the man shouted, and she cowered in the mud, afraid of a slap or a kick, something that was not uncommon in the mill.

“I was just using the privy, if you please Sir” she stammered, and tried to pull herself out the sticking mud.

“Stop – Brendol, darling, look, she is hurt… she means no harm, do you?” the woman asked, coming to crouch a safe distance from Rey. Rey blinked up at her, her eyes widening in wonder. She didn’t think she had ever seen such a beautiful sight. The Lady, for that was what she undoubtedly was, was clean, startlingly so, her creamy pale skin untouched by the sores and pox that marked most adults she saw. Her mouth was stained a pretty pink, and her blue eyes were surrounded by white, more clear than she had ever seen. Her pretty blonde curls were pilled beneath a bonnet and as she gave Rey a soft smile, a part of her longed to reach out and be embraced by this otherworldly woman.

“Don’t get too close Franny, she’s filthy” the man said stiffly, as Rey finally gained her feet and stood looking curiously between them.

“Now, child, do not get it into your head to talk to anyone of what you have seen… you could be chastised for spying on private matters” the man continued, as Rey twisted her fingers, and thought of getting through the rest of her day with shoes that were sliding with mud, in and out. It wouldn’t be the first time, but today was growing colder than the week before, and that colder again. The year was turning and she prayed she wouldn’t get ill. Being ill meant losing pay, and maybe even her place, which could not happen, at any cost.

“Now, get back inside – scamper off” the man said, and with a last glance at the beautiful woman’s face, she turned and ran back inside.

 

* * *

 

 

She worked hard to make up for the time she’d missed, earning only a scuff around the ear from Unkar Plutt, the unkind floor manager. She was an expert piecer, already well experienced having done it for the last two years. She tugged the broken ends of fabric into the loom, quick and efficiently, least her fingers be caught and dragged into the metal interior. She had never injured herself, but she had many a scar from the sharp edges, and her fingers were calloused and hardened to it, by now. She left the loom going, and dropped down onto the floor, coughing as she stirred the collection of cotton fluff that lay there, before shimmying under the machine. It clacked over her head, the noise near deafening.

“Careful like, Rey” she heard her friend Finn call to her. Finn and they had grown up together at Niima for a while, before he was sent to the workhouse. Being a boy, and a little older than her, he got a place to sleep, meals and a small wage in exchange for working. He now dropped by the mill sometimes, bringing deliveries to and fro.

She steeled her nerve, focusing on the heavy machinery moving above her at a violent pace, and started to clean the cotton dust out the nooks and crannies of the looming monster. She then raised her brush and started to sweep the wheels, the dust falling on her face.

She coughed more violently, her chest seizing and propelling her body upwards, until she would feel the heat of the machine o her forehead. She dropped back down weakly. She could hear Finn talking overhead.

“What is the girl doing under there?” a voice asked, low and masculine.

“She’s fettlin’ under, my Lord” she heard the nerves in Finn’s voice, and hurried to see who it was that had approached them.

“And that means?”

“Erm, scavenging, my Lord” Rey listened with one ear as she moved to the last part of the job oiling the spindles, as the bobbin was going up.

“Why is the machine still in motion?” another voice asked.

“Erm, stopping would be costly sir, you understand” the gruff voice of Unkar Plutt was the only one she recognised.

“Is that not illegal?” another voice asked, younger than the others. Rey heard the words, and in her alarm, made to rush out. She couldn’t be caught getting in trouble. As she snatched her hand from the spindle, her sleeve caught suddenly and a loud cry left her mouth before she could help it. Her arm was pulled into motion, in and out, up and down, and she tried desperately to wrestle her sleeve from the metal hook that had caught it.

“Rey!” she heard Finn call out, as he dropped down beside her, and passed her a small, but sharp knife. She took it by feel, nicking her fingers in the process, and reached for her arm. It was in such motion, it took several tries and a few cuts into her wrist to manage it, but she severed the cloth, and finally slid out from under the machine. The workers nearby glanced at her, pale and wheezing, hands smeared with blood, and droplets across her face, from her frantic sawing. She saw four men standing over her. The Unkar Plutt, the brute she knew well, as well as the man who she had seen outside, clutched in his lovers embrace, the one she had called Brendol. The difference in dress between the two men was startling. While the floor manager was lord to her and all who worked the mill, this man was clearly his superior. She shifted her head to the other two, and saw yet again another level of distinction. This must be what their gods looked like, she though as Finn helped her stand up.

“I don’t condone breaking of the law in the factory, at any time. What the workers will get up to though, to save time, pinch a penny” Brendol was saying, gesturing toward Rey, though his face was turned to the elder of the two men. Rey stifled the urge to protest, knowing it would go unheard. The oldest of the fancier men was greying, but handsome and tall, dressed impeccably and wearing a top hat, she fancied she had never seen someone so rich.

“She’s hurt” The man behind him remarked, his dark eyes trained on the blood on her hands. Younger than the others, a good deal younger, the tallest yet among them, he was pale, with a dark intensity that at the moment, was focused upon her.

“It’s nothing, my Lord” she said, stepping forward and raising her hands to show them.

“Just a little cut-“ she broke off as Plutt stepped forward and cuffed her hard across her cheek. She turned her head, feeling blood fill her mouth, as her teeth had bitten down hard on her tongue.

“Silence – who do you think you are to talk without permission to your superiors?” the man growled. Rey dropped her head, the picture of subservience.

“Begging your pardon” She murmured.

“A little river rat like you will be out before the shift is over, if you don’t remember your place” he continued, before looking to the watchful eyes of the men beside him, and falling silent.

“Here – let me see” the youngest man said, shouldering past Plutt, and reaching out an impossibly clean hand toward her filthy one, now not only streaked with mud from the yard but blood too.

“Ben – careful” the eldest man said, as Ben touched the wrist that was barely as wide as two of his fingers together, and turned it over. The child watched him with curious eyes.

He had thought she might cry and be distressed by the manager’s poor treatment of her, but she wasn’t. She watched him steadily, and he realised that the show of subservience had been only an act. Courage and curiosity burned in her eyes as she watched him pull a snowy white handkerchief from his pocket and tie it around the wrist with the deeper cuts.

“You must keep that clean” he instructed softly. Rey looked up and met his eyes, strangely mournful, a warm hazel colour in the light falling through the few factory windows, glowing golden and green in places.

“Don’t worry about her, young Ben. If it festers, she’ll see a doctor, as any worker injured on the job” Brendol said, and Rey couldn’t prevent the laugh that fell from her lips, from the outright lie the man had spoken. The men before her seemed to flinch, and Finn made a grab for her, as the Plutt stepped back to her again, his face promising to do more than scuff her this time.

“Desist sir” the youngest man, Ben, said, with more authority than she would have expected of him. He stood beside her, towering miles above, and looked to the eldest man.

“Father, if this is the condition of the work in the place, I do not think it is the type of investment you were thinking of making”

“Now, now, the child is overwrought and upset, she doesn’t know her mind. She should take the rest of the day off, return home and rest” Brendol was saying, as Rey widened her eyes in alarm.

“No, I need no time off, please sire, please. I am well, I can work” she said, stepping up to the loom, and starting to piece threads again, hoping that the blood from her wrist would not taint the white cotton being produced.

“No, I insist. You must return home, immediately” Brendol’s voice held such command, Rey let her hands fall from the loom, and caught Finn’s eye, who was watching the exchange with pity. She let him see her despair, for only he knew what it meant to go home early. It meant loss of wages and being replace. She had lost her position.

 

* * *

 

Lord Han Solo, Marquess of Alderaan, watched his son, Benjamin Organa Solo, Duke of Corellia, settle into the carriage, his displeasure wrought in every feature of his face, so like his own, many years ago. He had no stomach for business it seemed, every thought he had was written across his face, and Han was sure that Brendol Hux was under no illusion of what Ben had thought of his mill, and the fate of the potential investment they were considering would be.

Ben looked angry, shrugging of the coachman’s offer of aid as they approached the carriage and throwing himself in with all the energy and opinion of youth. Han merely watched the storm blow across Ben’s face.

“Where do you think that child ran off to?” he asked after a moment, leaning on the window to look out at the bustling yard.

“Home, I suppose, wherever she calls it.”

“Home? Some home it must be, I’ve never seen a more scrawny nor dirty soul”

“An orphan, no doubt, they are the ones lucky to find a position in the mills” Han said. Ben ran and hand through his hair, fashionably long, and flopping over his forehead.

“Why is the world this way?” his dissolute son muttered as he watched the workers outside, as the carriage pulled slowly out onto the main street, scattering children begging on the corner.

“The world is this way because shrewd businessmen like Hux will protect their bottom line, and prioritise their income, above all else, it is the theory of capitalism Ben.”

“I won’t be a man like him” Ben promised.

“And you shall never have to be, my son. Your mother’s title, land and wealth will all be yours. You need never see how the rest of the world works” Han said, and Ben must have detected a note of criticism there, as he looked sharply to his father.

“But even if you do not see it, it will continue working that way, unwitnessed by you, and unrelenting. That child is no-one, only an example of thousands like her.”

Han had not come from the kind of money his wife had. He had been rich, by Corellia’s standards, and titles, though a lesser line, and when he had met Leia, blue blooded and regal, practically a princess, he had fallen helplessly in love, consequences be damned. The title of Marquess was from her lineage, as was the vast bulk of their estates and wealth. In Corellia, he had visited within city often, had friends from the inner most, festering parts. He had seen a different kind of world in his childhood, one he could never forget, no matter how lavish and opulent his life had become. He had married Leia for love, and to her folly, she had married him for the same reasons. How much happier she might have been, he thought, watching his son wrestle with his conscience, if she had married within her own class. How much happier they might all have been.

“She was brave, crawling under that machine” Ben muttered, and Han smiled.

“Do not mistake bravery for desperation, son. Now come, we must meet Lord Tekka, and forget this melancholia”

 

* * *

 

 

Rey walked home slowly, along the river, afraid to go back to the orphanage before the whistle blew for the end of the day. She wandered along, looking down at the pristine handkerchief on her wrist, marvelling at something so fine. It wasn’t cotton, that she could tell, it was far softer, more akin to the touch of skin. Well, she corrected herself. Not her calloused skin, but how she imagined the skin of that fine lady might feel under her fingers, blistered as they were.

Carriage rumbled past ahead, and Rey saw she had wandered far, toward the market, and shopping avenues there. She knew of children from the orphanage who would go there sometimes and try to pick the pockets of the rich gentlemen and genteel ladies that shopped there. They weren’t usually very successful, and Rey never dared, in case she was caught. It was bad enough to be a river rat, never mind a pick-pocket too.

She stopped outside a fine shop, selling bows and ribbons, hats and bonnets of every colour and size. She was enthralled by the display, her nose pressing against the window, until the shopkeeper banged loudly on the glass and shooed her away. She shot off into the crowd, crossing the cobbled street, dodging around the animal and human waste that collected in the middle, and continued to walk on.

Ahead, she heard a trilling laugh, like that a bird might make, and followed its sound.

It wasn’t a bird, she saw with surprise. It was a girl, a young girl, perhaps even the same age as herself. That was where any similarity ended.

The girl was wearing a dark walking out dress, the material stiff and beautiful. She had a jacket on top, a fur lined muff ready to place her delicate hands inside. Rey shivered a little at the reminder that it was now cold enough to require such an item.

The girl’s eyes danced as she looked into the shop window before her, her curls bouncing with excitement, as they clustered around her round face, escaping her bonnet.

“But grandfather, I must have a bag. I have my own allowance, you know” she was saying, shaking a little fashionable coin purse at an older man who was stooped over beside her.

“Ah, Marla, you already have a currant bun!” he said indulgently. Marla crossed her arms and frowned.

“But I don’t want that horrible bun anymore, I want a bag of sweets, grandpapa” she entreated.

The old man chuckled.

“So, you shall have it I suppose, let’s go inside” he was saying, leaning heavily on his cane. They disappeared inside the shop, and Rey followed, peeking into the window to see where they had gone. The display of the shop was like no other. Sugared candies and hand boiled sweets filled bowls of every description and colour, and Rey could only stare as the girl directed her choices to be put into a large brown bag.

Rey hid around the corner of the shop as the pair came out. She didn’t know why she waited. They were so happy and carefree, she only wished to look upon them a little while longer, to forget the disappointment of the day.

The girl was laughing, and swinging her arms merrily. The bun dropped from her hands carelessly, and fell to the floor. Rey couldn’t imagine discarding the item on purpose, and so, before she quite knew what she was doing, she darted forward and grabbed the still warm pasty, the smell making her stomach grumble.

“Wait! Miss!” she called, hurrying after them. She found them just stopped ahead, next to a tall black carriage, the elder gentleman speaking at the door, and Marla eating candied fruit slices alongside.

“Miss – forgive me, but you dropped this” Rey said, slightly breathless at the excitement of speaking to the girl who seemed more doll than person. The girl’s eyes widened at the sight of Rey, her eyes sweeping down her body and back up, a look of wariness and something else appearing on her pretty face. Rey recognised the look as disgust, her heart falling, as the girl pulled on her grandfather’s sleeve.

“This beggar is speaking to me, grandfather” she cried, and the old man looked down in surprise, pulling his precious ward closer into his side.

“What is the meaning of this?” he asked, seeming angry. Rey swallowed, and looked down at the currant bun in her hand.

“The young lady dropped this, and I only thought to return it” she said plainly, and saw the old man’s hands loosen a little.

“Is everything well, Tekka?” a deep voice spoke from within the carriage, and Rey heard the sound of the door shutting at the other side.

“You think that I would eat something that had been on the street?” Marla breathed, her pale blue eyes widening almost comically, and then, as fast as could be, she reached out and smacked the bun right out of Rey’s hands. They all watched it tumble onto the dirty street. Rey wished terribly she had just hidden away and eaten it, instead of bringing this misfortune on herself. What had she expected? That Marla would be grateful and want to be her friend? That she would say thank you even. She cursed her own stupidity.

“Why, I don’t believe it. It’s you” a singular voice said, and Rey looked in her misery to find the young man from the factory standing beside her, having descended from the carriage. She bobbed automatically into a curtsey.

“My Lord” she said, cursing her luck. The man who had probably cost her a job, would probably now chastise her for approaching Marla, who seemed to be rather enjoying the scene. Rey eyed the bun on the floor, hoping against hope that no other street rat dropped in and stole it from her. It was hers now.

“Master Solo, you know this wretched creature?” the old man said and Rey stiffened to hear herself be described thus.

“Not really, I mean, we only just met, at Hux’ Cotton Mill. She hurt herself working and was dismissed for the day” Ben said, both men standing and watching her. Rey knew she should leave, but she wanted to take the bun, and was afraid to before their watchful eyes.

“Well, thank you child, for what it is worth, now get along with you” the eldest man said, before opening the carriage door and lifting his granddaughter in. As they disappeared from view, only the youngest, Ben, was left. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a wallet, opening it, he shook out some coins and handed them to her. She stared at them warily before reaching out and snatching them, hiding them deep in her palm.

“Where do you live?” he asked curiously. Rey stared at him. He didn’t seem dangerous, but there had been girls who had disappeared before, girls like her, with no one to miss them. She shrugged, inching toward the bun on the floor, and deciding that this might be her last chance, seeing a group of pickpockets approaching them, snatched it off the floor and cradled it to her chest.

“Around” she said. He frowned at her, his eyes lingering on the pastry with distaste and then straightened.

“Well, please, go and eat something, something fresh” he said roughly, and turned to leave. As he did so, the pickpockets descended, hassling him, pushing their grubby hands at him, and he pushed them gently off and retreated to the carriage. A policeman rounded the corner, and blew his whistle and the boys were off, scurrying in all directions. Rey looked down at the floor and saw his bill fold there, dropped in their haste. She had hidden her precious coins under the dirty bun and retained them, she gloated with a sense of victory. She picked up the bill fold and hesitating only a moment, ran after the carriage that had just started to depart. She banged her fist on the door, and it stopped. The driver looked back at her

“What is it girl? Stay back or you’ll be tramped”

“This was dropped” she called, holding the bill fold high above her head, level to the window. The door of the carriage opened, and she saw him again, Ben, leaning out and looking at her curiously.

“The bulk and file dropped it, my Lord, before they could make off” she explained. He took it slowly, turning it over in his hands, his expression inscrutable.

“And you didn’t think to keep it?” he asked. Rey reddened immediately, her every thought, written on her face.

“Just for a moment, sir, but I didn’t. It wouldn’t be right” she said carefully. He watched her in silence a moment longer.

“Why is that?”

“Because it fairly bulges, my Lord, and you must need it.” He pained expression crossed his face at that.

“I see. That’s very honest of you. Where do you live? You might want to tell me”

“Niima orphanage” she answered this time. His face blanched a little.

“Well, I would like to offer a position outside the city. Country air would do you good. Our house is always looking for loyal hardworking staff. Would you promise to work hard?” he said, and Rey not believing the turn of events, simply nodded, frowning.

“But, if you please milord. I can’t be leaving the smoke.”

“Do you have family here?” Rey didn’t answer, her childish mind too overrun with thoughts and fear, worries and hopes.

“What’s outside the city, if you don’t mind me asking?” she said finally, unable to imagine a different place – the country as he referred to it. He looked confused as to how to describe something so fundamental for a moment.

“There are hills, rolling hills, and fields in every direction” he said slowly, taking in the ignorant expression on Rey’s face, unchanging.

“Have you been to Green park?” he asked, changing subject. She shook her head.

“Well, where you been?” he asked, growing impatient.

“Niima is south of the river, and the mill was on a Northern bank, I’ve travelled that stretch a good while, and a little around.” Rey said truthfully. It wasn’t surprising for a child so young to have travelled little, even in her own city. Transport was unobtainable for her, and walking was hard on a body always tired.

“You see that tree there?” he gestured toward a tired looking tree sitting in a manicured hedge outside a shop. She nodded.

“There are a million more like it in the country, some so tall they are bigger than houses. Everything is green and alive” he said softly, watching as Rey’s pinched little face gazed around her world, grey stone and dirty streets, dark looming sky and black shadows.

 “Would you like that?” he asked her. She wondered what Finn would tell her to do, and in that moment, seeing her best friend’s face in her mind, nodded solemnly. She stuck her hand out, mirroring the motions she had observed businessmen who came to the mill perform. She had no idea the picture she made, filthy beyond measure, blood stained, a misshapen currant bun in her hand, rags so thin in parts they were translucent, but as she rose her eyes to his, her chin set at an almost regal tilt, her little hand did not shake, as it waited for him, utterly unaware of the impropriety of the situation, a street urchin shaking hands with a gentleman, and a girl, no less.

The gentlemen in question merely removed his hat, as was the proper way to speak with a lady, leaned solemnly down, and shook on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm so excited to share this new story with you. 
> 
> As the warning above states, this is a dark story, the characters of the main couple are morally grey, especially Ben, tipping over into flat out baddie at times. Repeat - Ben Solo will be plain old bad - you will not like or support him - at all. If that characterisation doesn't appeal to you, please don't read and upset yourself!
> 
> Historical accuracy - efforts have been made to keep this as accurate as possible, however, I don't want to get bogged down with minutia as it inhibits my creativity. There shouldn't be anything glaringly obvious, so I claim artistic licence to a certain extent. 
> 
> Titles - do my head in, as well as having to type them continually, and knowing the correct, appropriate title to use in each social occasion would take up all the limited time I have to write - so just go easy on me with the titles. 
> 
> My favourite time period to write in, I enjoy the drama, as you might know, I have a thing for unbearable angst. I hope you give this one a chance! 
> 
> It's bound to be long, I just can't help myself, but hopefully, you will like this version of Ben and Rey and stick with me.


	2. Chapter Two

 Rey rose well before dawn, as she always had and donned a clean shift and uniform, tied her apron well, and headed out of the servant’s quarters for the back stairs. In the kitchen, all was quiet. She hummed quietly to herself as she stoked the great fire there and gathered her fire setting kit, as well as a brush and pan for the embers, and started the long trek upstairs.

At twelve years of age, she had become one of the youngest of the Solo household, and lighting the fires, after cleaning the grates was her first real responsibility.

She had learned how to do the families rooms first, well before they would awake and start their days, quietly and efficiently, making a game of not waking even a mouse, as she worked her silent chores by the hearth.

Next, she would do the common spaces, drawing rooms and parlours, before rushing to clean herself up and help in the kitchen.

 

It had been half a year gone last Wednesday when her life had changed. She was thirteen now, and some days, she even forgot the smell of the mills and their awful clacking, the hot feel of spindles, only inches from her skin. After the gentleman called Ben had offered her a position, he had told her the name of a townhouse to come to, and the street address, early the next morning, where the servants would be travelling together to the country.

 

Rey carried her cleaning tools down a hall and paused at the window, seeing a purple dawn sneaking over the horizon, and a low mist gathering over the grounds. She could hardly imagine that she hadn’t known what the world looked like outside the city, and yet, she could remember the surprise still. She hadn’t thought so much green existed in the whole world, and now, there is was, and she was part of it.

 

She hadn’t seen the young man who had changed her life so dramatically since that afternoon on the street. She had watched a bustling household close-up the impressive townhouse, lingering on the steps outside as servants went back and forth with luggage, before locking up the door. An older servant stood there, upon their departure, bidding goodbye to the staff who remained behind. She had been tall and slim, dressed in matronly black, with a stern expression, as she swept down the stairs. At the bottom, she had paused and looked directly at Rey.

“Are you the street rat I am to be taking back to Alderaan with me?” she had demanded, as Rey clutched the metal railing, and nodded. The stern woman looked her up and down, her frown telling Rey exactly what she made of her apparel and current state.

“Could you not have washed at least, child? Before entering Aldreaan house, I will have to have you rinsed down in the yard, like the dogs” she said, and Rey flushed. She had tried to wash, but the water was old, and she hadn’t been the first to use it. She had a tiny bundle in her hands, the entirety of her possessions from Niima Orphanage. She had slipped out at first light, too afraid to tell the Mistress she was going. Not that she would care, but Rey was afraid that the townhouse might not exist, and that the previous day had been a sort of dream, brought on by hunger. She had decided not to let go of her bed, before she was sure.

She remained silent.

“You don’t say much, do you?” the servant observed, before continuing.  
“Well, I am Miss Amrliyn Holdo, I am housekeeper of Alderaan House.” She said, rather proudly. Rey bobbed a curtsey, still feeling afraid to speak to the imposing woman.

“And you are?”

“Rey Niima, Ma’am”

“Rey, if not for your hair, I shouldn’t know if you were a girl or a boy with that name” Holdo muffed, and looked toward the carriage.

“Poe! Look alive boy, come and fetch the bag-“ her eyes looked finally to the meagre bundle Rey held, as a young boy, just a little older than Rey herself jumped off the back of the carriage and run to them.

“Yes Ma’am!” he cried, smiling at Rey and holding a hand out for her belongings. She handed it over, watching him climb to the top of the carriage and start to secure it there.

“Well, I can’t promise your things won’t be blown away, as light weight as they are, but no matter. At the very least, you’ll get three uniforms at the house, which you are to keep clean and orderly” she warned, before sweeping toward the carriage. Rey had stood and watched her numbly.

“Are you coming child?” Holdo called back. Rey blinked at her.

“What, in there?” she asked before she could help it, and then, dropped her head and bobbed another curtsey.

“Ma’am” she tacked on belatedly. Holdo watched her a moment.

“Yes child, how else will we travel the 30 miles to the estate?”

“30 miles!” Rey exclaimed.

“Yes, 30 miles, and your dallying is costing us daylight. Come along now, or I will have to tell the young master that his honest, little street urchin did not show up to come with us.” Rey was moving across the street and into the carriage before Holdo could finish speaking.

Inside was unlike anywhere Rey had ever been. There were wooden seats, but polished and smooth, without the usual rough-hewn splinters that stuck in your skin and couldn’t come out. There were soft pillows on each, just for you to sit on. Rey gaped at them, turning around twice, before sitting. Sitting was so soft, she stood up, and sat down, three times over before settling back. There was a window, and she eagerly opened it, looking down at the street.

“Don’t open it, we’ll take a chill” Holdo instructed, as a couple more servants filed into the warm interior of the carriage. Rey closed the window, chastised, and settled instead for peering out, her nose pressing against the glass. Holdo watched her, her stern expression thawing slightly, in the face of such innocence.

With a final bang on the roof, the carriage was rolling, and Rey had left the only home she’d ever known.

 

She walked down hall after hall of rich furnishings and great tapestries. Portraits of the family lined the walls, and Rey looked at them a moment, as she always did. Her favourite was a family painting, her master and mistress with their son, Ben, when he was about Rey’s age. She loved the way her mistress held the boy, her hand on his, and Rey could see the strength in the boy’s grip, as though he was holding onto his mother, with all his strength. The master stood behind, his warm features wreathed in a smile, as was the mistress’s. The son however, only a ghost of a smile haunted his lips, his dark eyes peering solemnly into Rey’s as she stood staring. As always, she wondered what it was that had made him so sad.

 

The clock below chimed the hour softly, and she startled into action, rushing along to the master and mistress’s rooms first.

 

Lady Organa Solo was still asleep, her room quiet and undisturbed. She crept in, and quiet as a mouse, started her duties at the fireplace.

She was only young, but efficient at her work, and soon, she was creeping through to the master’s rooms. It was colder in this suite, she saw a window open, and she shivered slightly as she knelt by the fire. She cast a glance to the bed and found to her surprise that Lord Solo was not there. Since it was unlikely that he had risen before her, she surmised as she rubbed oil into the heavy, lead work surrounding the fire, that he had gone up to London. He seemed to be absent more often than present lately, Rey thought with a frown. She hoped Lady Leia was well, as there always seemed to be an air of melancholy when her ladyship was alone. A sadness that seemed to seep into the very walls of the manor.  

 

Next, she went to the youngest master’s rooms, seeing it dark for once. It had been dark since the very dark she had arrived at Alderaan House, and she had been free of scrutiny there, in his quarters, to learn her new duties, under the previous maid’s guidance. She knew of more of Lord Benjamin now, of course, being a favourite subject of the staff, who celebrated the young man’s achievements as though they directly reflected on them.

He was at University in Oxford, studying, as many men from good families did.

 

Huffing in the near pitch black, she approached the nearest window, careful not to fall over any furniture while carrying her brush and ember pan, and pulled the heavy drapes back, letting cold, dawn light fill the room. A quick inspection of her hands revealed a smudging of soot, and she cursed as she looked to see if her dirt had bespoiled the curtains.

“What are you doing?” a curt voice called out to her, and she froze. The chilly tone and accent of the upper classes had stilled her heart for a moment and she cursed her lack of foresight. Why had she not questioned why the drapes were shut for once. She dropped immediately into a curtsey, her head bowed.

 

“Begging your pardon my lord. I am only here to light the fire and warm your room, I do it every morning, and I didn’t know you were here” she said quietly, forcing fear from her voice. She could very well loose her position from this accident.

“Why would you warm my rooms when I am not in them?” he asked, and she heard the rustle of bedclothes. She refused to look up, and stayed in her supplicant position, her thighs starting to shake.

“To keep damp from the room, milord” she explained. She heard feet pad over the thick carpet, heading to the pitcher in the corner.

“Well, continue then” he said after a long pause. She nodded in relief, and rushed for the fire place.

She knelt, and pulled her skirts aside, quickly brushing out the embers into the pan and set about oiling the lead, retouching the missing pieces. The smell always gave her a headache, so she sometimes avoided doing it until it was unavoidable, but here, with the son of the house wandering at her back, she did everything perfectly.

Next, she stood up, and almost stumbled over the hard body of someone standing just behind her. She almost fell, but was caught by strong hands on her shoulders, her body falling against the master, as he stood, catching her effortlessly. Her cheeks immediately stained red, and she raised her eyes with horror to his face, far above hers.

 “I’m so sorry my lord, I –“ she was saying, as her eyes fell, and she saw to her utter despair, two black handprints on his snow white undershirt. It was open at the neck and unlaced, and she saw the soft, skin of his collar bones, the lower part of his throat and adam’s apple, something she had never seen before on a gentleman. It was strangely beautiful.

She stared, humiliation and fear making her eyes well. This was his lordship, apple of his mother’s eye. What if he forgotten his kindness to her already? What if he was disappointed in the servant he had saved, and now she knew, just how much he had saved her. The staff adored him, had watched him grow up. If he was angry with her, it would mean her position.

“Oh! It’s you” he said, but Rey barely heard it, her fear of losing her position were worse than ever before, for now she had something to lose.

He looked at her little bunched fists, just a child, sooty and still as thin as a rake, her shoulders started to shake in earnest as she looked up and saw his stern expression.

“Damn it. Don’t cry. It’s not the end of the world. I apologise for being gruff with you” He said, as she stared into his eyes, craning her neck back to see. She opened her mouth to speak, and a loud sob burst out. She couldn’t know what a pitiful picture she made, large hazel eyes alight with tears, her bow of a mouth turned down in despair. She realised in that moment, how much she had looked forward to seeing him again, and thanking him in person.

“Desist weeping at once and remember your station” he said sternly, unsure how else to calm the girl who seemed on the edge of total panic. His harsh words slowly seemed to seep through to her.

“Take deep breaths” he instructed, as she failed to calm herself, her chest rising and falling quickly. At length, as he watched, she seemed to take hold of herself, an iron grip, and piece by piece, put herself back together. Once she was more composed, he nodded to the fire.

“Forgive my clumsiness. I would not think that the girl who climbed under that monstrous moving loom would scare so easily” he said gruffly, shifting her away from him slightly, before gesturing for her to continue.

“I will endeavour to stay out of your way, I was only curious of the procedure, seeing it done so effectively, I wanted to know how you do it” he said thinking to distract the poor wretch, stepping back completely.

“What? Haven’t you ever lit a fire before?” Rey couldn’t help but say in her sadness and panic before realising that he probably hadn’t. He had people like her to do it for him. He grinned at her.

“Will you think me terribly remiss if I admit I have not. Not a very manly feat, I am aware” he teased her slightly, well anyway, she thought this light-hearted banter might be teasing, and shrugged.

“It isn’t difficult”

“Will you show me?” he asked, and then, astounded her by introducing himself, although she already knew all about him.

“I am Lord Benjamin Solo, as I am sure you know, but you can call me Ben, here, at home” he said. Rey stared at him, a scandalised expression on her face.

“I couldn’t possibly” she said, as he waved away her concern.

“I don’t care much for titles and pretention. We are all just the same, you and I, just people”

“You might be a person, but I am a servant” Rey blurted out, and then, as his dark eyes connected with hers, belatedly dropped into a curtsey.

“If you please, milord” she said.

“What’s your name”

“I’m – a lower housemaid now” she said, trying to think of the right thing to say.

“That is some name, your mother did you no kindness with it” he laughed, and Rey felt her heart fall at his simple joke.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, suddenly seeming to realise the shift in her mood.

“Nothing my lord, my mother is dead is all, father too, so I don’t foresee much kindness of any kind to be coming from them” she said woodenly, and dropped back down beside the fire. She started to prepare the linen strips to light.

“Of course, Niima orphanage, I apologise for forgetting” he said.

“What’s your name? I never did get it, the last time we met” Lord Solo asked, his voice cautious now, quiet. It was unnecessary for him to ask, unnecessary for him to care, but she couldn’t deny a request from one of the family.

“It’s Rey, Milord.”

“As in Reyna?” he asked. She shrugged again.

“I don’t know, it didn’t say”

“What didn’t say?” he asked.

“The note tied to the blanket they left me in at the orphanage” she said quietly, hating this morning and the unorthodox turn it had taken.

“And your last name?”

“Niima” she supplied. It wasn’t unusual for children from the orphanage to take on the surname, most of the poor souls had no idea who had left them there. It was a marker though, for the rest of their lives, whenever they introduced themselves, that people would know where they had come from, and what kind of people they were. Orphans. Abandoned and unwanted.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to pry” he said, after a long pause, and there was such pity in his tone, she felt a childish flurry of anger.

“I’ve upset you, I apologise. It wasn’t my intention.” He continued as he studied the side of her, her expression giving little away. So young, and already so guarded.

“Please, do not apologise, my lord, you only make matters worse. We both know it is I who is in the wrong” she said, even as she was surprised that he had not ordered her from the house yet.

“Why’s that?”

“Because you are my master. You are never wrong.” She said simply. He listened to her, and then grunted, standing up, and stepping away as she got the fire going, adding kindling and coals, and putting the fireguard in place.

 

She bobbed a curtsey, and made to escape. Only his voice calling out her name stopped her, on the threshold, her heart pounding.

“Rey?”

“Yes, my lord?” she immediately replied, turning to face him, her eyes raising to his. He was tall, even taller than he had been, six short months ago, very much taller than her, his body long and wiry, like he had shot upward, and his body was just trying to keep up. A thin reed of a young man. His hair was fashionably dark, a tumble of curls in the morning, that would no doubt be tamed into submission later by his valet. His face was still long and pale, with a large nose, and full lips, but it seemed to be carving itself into shape, something emerging that Rey thought that one day, would be pleasant to look upon.

She found she liked to look at him, as she stood furiously blushing as he walked closer.

“Are you happy here?” he asked at length, and her chin rose, quite unbidden, and she bestowed upon him a truly dazzling smile.

“Yes, my lord. I didn’t know such a place existed. I thank you for the opportunity. I shan’t let you down, if only, you don’t send me back” she said earnestly. Ben smiled, unable to help being moved by such a genuine look.

“I don’t take a handshake lightly, Miss Niima, You’ll have a place here, as long as you wish it. Work hard though, make Mrs Holdo proud of you-” he said gruffly, thrilling Rey by addressing her as though she were more than a housemaid. A childish thrill, but a thrill nonetheless.

“And me-“ he finished, before turning away, and she felt her dismissal.

 

Rey threw herself into her work to make up for the lost time, and also in part, to show Ben how hardworking she was, and that he had made no mistake plucking her from the city streets, when so many others were left behind. She thought of Finn often, her best friend, now a world away. She wished she could bring him to the estate, but knew of no way to manage it. There was so much she wished to share with him. The rooms they slept in were warm, at the top of the house in the attic. Whitewashed and clean, she loved to wake up in her little bed, seeing her roommate Kaydel sleeping soundly, tucked under the eaves. They ate three whole meals a day, and things Rey had never had before. Hearty stews with real pieces of meat and warm porridge, bread slathered in butter and sometimes, a sweet, like rice pudding with jam after dinner. The other staff were friendly, and hardworking, and she enjoyed being thought of as one of the household. On a weekend evening, sometimes the younger staff would walk into the nearby village, but Rey would always stay in the kitchen, by the fire. Mrs Duncan, the Cook would toast tea cakes for anyone staying behind, and endless cups of hot, milky tea, and she would sit and listen to them talk. Sometimes Poe, the stable boy, would stay behind, and would always sit next to her.

The old staff would talk about the house, and through them, she learned much of the great family, who had given her shelter.

Lady Leia Organa, daughter of the Marquise of Alderaan, who inherited all, when her parents had both died suddenly. The staff were quiet on that subject, only muttering that it was dark times, and a terrible business.

She had met Lord Solo the very first season she had come out, and many of them remembered going to London for that occasion. Their little princess, kind and compassionate, fresh from a cosseted childhood of innocence and privilege in the country, dressing up for her first ball at Almack’s Assembly Rooms. Only 16 at the time, and flush from success at her presentation at court, Leia had seemed to shine.

The story goes that she was only at the ball half an hour, before attracting the attention of a gentleman visiting London, travelled from Corellia. Lord Han Solo, Duke of Corellia, had held a dangerous reputation, his family descending from a place where such a title was won by the strongest man, and most daring warrior on errand of the king.

He did not have the pedigree that Leia did, a long line of near blue blood stretching back centuries. It was whispered behind fans, and gloved hands in polite company, that he was part of the ‘new aristocracy’, one which purchased their lands and titles with _money_ , a delicate shudder running through the upper crust matrons in drawing rooms all over the city.

The tale goes that the pair crossed gazes, a ballroom apart, and the energy was felt in Edinburgh.

A scant year after they married, they welcomed a baby boy, and heir, to be named Benjamin Organa Solo, Duke of Corellia, and one day, Marquess of Alderaan.

 

“And never a happier day there was” Mrs Duncan said, her expression satisfied as her eyes looked for back to that day.

“What happened when the baby was born?” Rey asked, nibbling her edge of tea cake, sucking each raisin until it turned to sugar between her teeth.

“Well, that was a time, I’ll tell you. My lord was ever so anxious, pacing here and there, he even ended up down here, walking the length of the house and back. We were all upside down, making food that would be good for the mistresses’ constitution after the babe was born, food to celebrate. Everyone of us jumping at half a noise, anxious about the mistress, as though it were our own daughter upstairs with the doctor, crying her heart out. And it was too, for most of us.”

“Do you really see them as your family?” Rey suddenly asked, and Mrs Duncan nodded sagely.   
“The only one I’ll have in this lifetime. They could be your family too, young Rey, if you work hard and keep your nose clean”

“Yes, Mrs Duncan” Rey said smiling, as she cupped her hands around her cup of tea and leaned her head on her knee to listen.

“What was the baby like?”

“A force of nature! All the vitality of his mother, and the mischief of his father in one” Mrs Duncan said, and Rey could see she was proud.

“From the beginning, they were both completely devoted to their boy, doted on him, nothing was ever too much. Those were the best of days”

“And then?” Rey prompted when Mrs Duncan fell silent.

“And then, boys grow up, marriage anniversaries come and go, and the years pass, and bring their hardships along with them. People grow older. Lady Leia’s parents died, a terrible business that” she repeated.

“She was different afterward, more withdrawn. Lord Solo tried to overcome it, but the gaps in their upbringing and expectations grew wider, as time went on. She is a lady, down to the very marrow, and perhaps, love is not always enough” the cook said, frowning.

“And Ben?”

“Well, most children are fairly perceptive, but master Ben, he was more perceptive than any person, adult or child. Seeing your parents drift from each other is difficult. He struggled greatly with the burden of being the reason why two people who no longer got on, were forced to endure each other’s company.” 

“I had no idea”

“And nor should you. I shouldn’t be gossiping about private business with you. I must be feeling rather melancholy this evening” Mrs Duncan said, as she stood resolutely, and Rey knew their quiet time was over.

“Let us speak no more of it. The master has returned from University, in fresh, jovial spirits, and I plan to feed him so well he doesn’t wish to leave!” she said merrily, before starting the tidy up before bed.

Rey stood and took their cups, bringing them to the table, her mind lingering on Mrs Duncan’s words.

 

The next morning, she crept quietly into Ben’s rooms, expecting the darkness. She knelt by the fire, and he slept on. He murmured at one point in his sleep, a low, and pained cry, pushing the covers from him, turned abruptly over. She finished quickly, hoping his nightmares had passed, and slipped from the room. She wondered what it was that someone like Ben could have nightmares about, as she returned to the kitchen. Mrs Duncan was lifting a large roasting spit from the fire, balancing it precariously as she called Rey over and she rushed to her new task, all else forgotten.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to those of you already commenting... it means the world to me, and I literally get nervous until I get the first reviews, and make sure people are enjoying the story))


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

 

1803

 

 

Rey grew to love the changing seasons at Alderaan house, each one bringing with it a reassuring sense of routine and predictability. They were approaching Christmas once more, having left Autumn behind. The long days of orange and red leaves blowing through the kitchen door whenever it opened, shiny smooth conkers to thread by the fire, while Mrs Duncan roasted chestnuts. The air grew colder and colder still, far colder than the city, and she was given an overcoat, to fit over her uniform. It was the warmest and most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

As the holiday celebrations of Christmas started with a roar, and Rey was sent out each day for a week to gather mistletoe to hang about the house, as well as pine cones to burn and holly and ivy to decorate the bannisters. They had a stir-up day, the last Sunday before Advent, where all the puddings were made, fruit soaking and plums peeled. The smell in the kitchen had been heavenly.

Now, flakes of snow were starting to fall, and torches had been lit down the long approach to the house, and Rey was looking out, straining her eyes for a sign of a carriage, making its way through the frosty night.

Master Ben was expected home any minute, and Leia had invited a good lot of neighbouring families and friends to join them in a dinner. The drawing room was full of gentry, wearing dresses each more expensive and beautiful than the next.

Even Rey had been called into help, ferrying crystal glasses and fine china upstairs to the dining room, far grander than she had ever seen it. Now, she stood in the upper hall, awaiting the master’s arrival, dressed in a starched black dress and stiff white apron, the fanciest outfit she had ever donned, just in case she was to be seen by a guest.

“Rey, get away from there, someone might see” Kaydel exclaimed, standing to attention further along.

“He’s late” Rey murmured in response.

“He’s never late, he’s the master” Kaydel reminded her, and Rey nodded. She just couldn’t wait to see him. He was still somewhat of an idol in her eyes, having been the person to see under the dirt and poverty, and decide that there was something of value to her. He had looked at her, and perhaps for the first, someone had seen her, really seen her.

“And you’d do well to remember it” Kaydel grumbled. She teased Rey that she asked far too many questions about their young master, and Rey acknowledged that it was true. He just interested her, was all.

“There! A carriage” she gasped, as she saw a quickly speeding black form travelling over the snowy ground.  
“Thank mercy” Kaydel said.

“Let’s go down and take our places, they must wish to go in to dinner soon” Kaydel said, moving toward the stair, as Rey remained, pressed against the window, waiting for a glimpse, as the carriage stopped, and a dark figure stepped out into the snow swirled night.

It moved toward the house, never moving fully into view, and Rey turned and raced after Kaydel.

 

The food served at dinner was lavish beyond Rey’s imagining. Meat of all types, roasted and poached, served in glistening jellies and creamy sauces. Fish and vegetables, bread so fresh it was still warm, as butter melted on it, making her stomach growl. The deserts were preposterous, towers of pastry and cream, wobbling jellies the colour of the ladies dresses and Rey wondered if she might be able to sneak a spoonful after, when no one was looking. Perhaps Ben would not finish his, she thought, she wouldn’t mind eating from his plate.

She was taking plates passed to her by a footman and putting them onto a trolley, when a loud crash came from the dining room, scaring her, and she almost dropped an unfinished platter of smoked herring. She slid it in, and strained her ears toward the door. The servants in the back pantry were all whispering together, but the footmen in sight were calm and still, betraying none of the curiosity they must be feeling.

“You will not speak to me that way in my house!”

“Is this your house? I rather thought it was mothers” Rey recognised Ben’s voice immediately.

“Leave this room at once, you are embarrassing our guests, Benjamin!” Leia’s soft voice was strained.

“I am the embarrassment?? Of course I am. Half of London is talking about my father, your husband, and the woman he keeps in a town house in Mayfair, and you don’t wish to discuss it in front of guests. They all know, mother, don’t delude yourself into thinking that it is not the topic of every drawing room this evening”

“Ben – enough” his father’s voice thundered, and then, the sound of a chair scrapping back, and a door slamming. Rey felt distraught at what they had overheard. Ben fighting with his father, and Leia being upset. Han Solo keeping a mistress in the city, and being confronted about it over dinner. The gossip of it would spread like wildfire.

The rest of the evening was very subdued, and the guests departed early, both Lord Solo and the mistress going up to bed quickly after.

Rey could not sleep that night. The silence in the house was too much, oppressive and stifling. She shifted in her bed, warm under the covers, yet there was a feeling of ice nipping at her toes. What if Han Solo moved to London full time, and Leia decided to move too. What would become of Alderaan house, and all who lived there.

Her heart thundered, and she felt almost frozen with fear. The next morning, she was on edge and clumsy, she did the master and mistresses' fires, a heavy pall of sadness in the air of their separate rooms.

She went through to Ben’s room with trepidation. A weak dawn light filled it, and she saw the heavy drapes had been pulled back. She glanced toward the bed, and stilled to see it was empty. Her heart lurched, as she turned toward the window, and saw Ben himself, sitting motionless in the gloaming.

His eyes were bloodshot, and lost, staring out at the moor. His evening dress was askew, clearly yesterday’s and he had a shadow across his lower face. He was so still, she couldn’t help but approach him, afraid for a moment of that ghostly pallor. She had seen people die before, quietly, children who cried into the night, and sometimes in the morning, never awoke, their eyes open but unseeing, forever more.

“My lord” her whisper too quiet to be heard. She swallowed hard. Her hand reaching out to brush his wooden shoulder.

“Master” she breathed, prodding her fingers quickly into fabric of his arm, and drawing back.

“I thought I told you to call me Ben” his voice was rusted and dry, and Rey turned to the pitcher to draw him a glass of water. She was relieved beyond measure. She returned and held it out to him. He slowly took it, seeming to move from under a great lethargy. The sound of his gulping filled the room.  He handed it back to her when he’d finished, and looked up at her wearily. He just stared at her, so long, that Rey feared he was falling back into his previous paralysis

“I thought you were dead” she said abruptly. Her words jolted him, and he blinked.

“Dead? That seems a little dramatic” he said finally.

“Well, you looked it”

“What had I died of?” he asked with interest. Rey shrugged.

“Embarrassment I suppose” she said, and jumped with fright as Ben let out a loud, bark of a laugh. He rubbed his chest, his face clearing somewhat.

“Embarrassment indeed. Well, there is a first time for everything. Have you come to light the fire? Chase the chill away?” he asked, looking down at his hands, cradled in his lap.

“Yes, it’s cold in here” Rey said.

“Yes, I know… I can feel it – in here” he said, pressing a hand to his chest, and frowning.

“Should I fetch you some tea?” Rey said, after arguing with herself for several silent moments.

“Tea will not melt the ice crust around my weary heart, but thank you, for the offer” he said, standing to look out the window. Rey went to work at the fireplace, glancing warily back now and again at Ben, still stood in the window.

“A family is a terrible burden, for once you have them, you cannot help but love them, and suffer the consequences of caring” he said musingly. Rey bit her lip to keep her opinions to herself.

“Many a life has been ruined by love, many a man and women. I wonder if any of it is really worth it, after all” he continued on, and glanced at Rey seeing her frown.

“You disagree?” he asked. She shook her head immediately.

“Oh, yes you do, out with it – tell me why I am mistaken”

“You speak disparagingly of things you have always had. Love, family, I suppose you think money a burden too? If you had ever been alone, really truly alone, you would know that having someone care about you is a blessing. Love and family are a gift, my lord, and you are lucky. Though I suppose, sometimes, when something is guaranteed, perhaps it is easy to forget to be grateful” he looked at her, caught up in her words, and over time nodded slowly.

“You speak the truth Rey, as you know it, and god knows you have lived a hard enough existence alone, that my maudlin ramblings must be rather trivial to you-“

“No! It’s not trivial, I would never say so” she protested hotly. He motioned her to be calm.  
“I am not upset. I only mean that it is true, I have been blessed by birth and circumstance, and I should remember it more often. However, if I may, there is always more to a person’s heart than what other’s see, more between family than anyone knows. There is more than one way to be lonely. It is even possible to be lonely, in a room full of family and friends, if you can believe it.” He finished, running his hand through his long hair, a trait she had noticed he favoured when being serious.

“I can believe it, though I have no experience of it. Because you feel it, I can believe it” she said slowly, and he nodded at her, a smile touching his lips. He dropped his head into his hand, the storm seeming to pass, as he scrubbed his hand over his face.

“My word, I feel like death, and I must apologise to mother and father both, which makes death seem a more pleasurable prospect”

“What will you say?” she asked, unable to prevent herself.

“Oh, only that a housemaid set me straight and reminded me to be grateful for the family I have”

“No! You mustn’t!” Rey cried, failing to see his teasing smile.

“And I won’t… you, on the other hand must learn to recognise a joke, when it’s being said. Are you not a child? You’re the most serious one I’ve ever met” he said.

“There was never much time for joking at Niima” she trailed off, her eyes accusing as she glanced at him. He winced and threw his hands up.

“I yield! I accept I am the most selfish, blackguard of the century, with a terrible sense of humour, I will take my leave, before I say anything else disagreeable” he finished, but he was smiling as he left, leaving Rey with a similar smile fixed in place. She had raised Ben’s spirits when they had been low. There would be nothing that could upset her today now, she was floating high above all others.

 

* * *

 

 

Ben saw much of the little scavenger he had brought from London that Christmas. His father had left for London, early on Christmas morning, much to Leia’s dismay, and Ben had decided to stay at the house, instead of attending any parties or gatherings in the city. The time would come soon enough, where he would return to University and leave her alone, so he made what he could of the time. They played cards and read together, he took her for long walks outside, in the frosty air, and even once, when snow was falling. It was a calm and peaceful holiday.

Little Rey continued to scamper about the place, force to be reckoned with, he was glad he had been moved by her spirit that day in London. Despite their age difference and stations, he felt oddly like he had a friend now, at his childhood home. Someone who might take his side, no matter what.

Several neighbouring families came to call, and he was force to brush aside the awful evening where he had lost his temper in front of them. It had been an awful scandal, the news spreading quickly that he had once again lost his temper. He was gathering quite the reputation for being volatile, he realised, but knew not how to stop it. Handling his emotions was difficult for him sometimes, and he deeply regretted hurting his mother with his actions. Only Rey seemed unaffected by his outbursts, by his sudden surliness, and then easy warmth. He supposed in her life, she had met many a worse character, which was hardly comforting.

He corresponded with his friends in Oxford, and in particular, a young lady there. Her name was Kira Maxwell. They shared many things in common, such as a love of reading, astronomy and music, though she was far more talented than he in the later. She was beautiful, blonde and soft, her face, pretty as a picture. This was the first time they had kept in touch over a holiday, and he looked forward to returning to Oxford, so he might call upon her then. If Kira and he were to form an attachment, he vowed to himself that he would not be the husband that his father had proven to be. Neglectful and cruel in his dismissal, pathetic in his desperate need for external validation, from those other than the woman who had given herself to him. Ben watched his mother’s eyes grow sadder day by day, a little emptier, and little more hopeless, and he burned for her with righteous indignation. Ben hated Han, even as he loved him. He would never be him.

 

 

1804

 

“Rey – come and keep my company” a loud whisper sounded through the space of the marquee, and Rey looked up in surprise from the table she was standing at, watching people at the garden party mill around. There were beautiful girls there, society girls, and Rey knew that Lady Leia had invited them for Ben. He was twenty four years old now, and would soon be graduating Oxford. Her ladyship wished for her son to marry, and provide her with heirs, she spoke of little else, according to her lady’s maid.

“Rey… I know you can hear me” the whisper continued as she ignored him. She watched the girls in their white dresses, and beautiful bonnets, and lacy parasols. She imagined for a moment she was like them sipping tea and eating delicate cucumber finger sandwiches, without crusts. Rey had spent her entire life short of food, comfort and safety. Food was the one that she remembered, even now, several years at Alderaan House. Before coming here, she couldn’t have imagined a world in which people might discard the edges of bread, simply because they were slightly drier then the middle, and she certainly would never have believed it to be the very same world she lived in. Scraping by on scraps, sometimes savaging the slops tossed on the street by the better households. Other times, working her fingers to the bone for a crust of bread and a rind of cheese, nibbling away on it hours into the night, like a rat.

“Miss Niima – don’t force me to come out there and fetch you” she sighed, and finally dragged herself away from where the ladies were playing croquet, and walked around the other side of the tents. Ben lounged against a tree trunk, dressed also in white, making his dark hair, darker still and grinning at her with his usual mischief. To be honest she was relieved. He had seemed more sullen in his visits this year, though that perhaps had much to do with the strained relationship between his parents. Lord Solo hardly stayed at Alderaan House these days, preferring town, and its entertainments. The cook and kitchen staff though she was too young to understand what they meant by that, and the way they rolled their eyes, but Rey knew more of it than they might expect. She might be young, but the years she had lived in the city, her entire life before coming to the estate, had made her witness to all levels of entertainment the city had to offer. She was under no illusion about how Lord Solo was spending his time, and it seemed Ben wasn’t either.

“Sit with me, scavenger” he called, and she scowled at his nickname of her. She hated it, and he knew it well. She had earned it by being caught picking through the rubbish, hoping to get her hands on a pair of boots she had seen a footman through away.

They were too big, and had to be patched, but other than that they were sturdy and warm. Ben had overheard one of the stable hands calling her it, and being amused by the story.

“Why?” she complained, trudging over to him, and sinking down on the soft grass.

“Because I’m bored” he said easily.

“I’ll get in trouble, I’m at work you know”

“Well, now your job is to entertain me” he said with a laugh, shielding his eyes to look at her. She tutted at his spoiled, indulged tone, but didn’t resent it, not really. People like Ben deserved the life they lived, he was a gentleman, and had the breeding and blood to prove it.

“What were you looking at over there?”

“The ladies… don’t you like any of them? They certainly seem to like you” Rey teased, and saw Ben’s wide mouth tilt downwards in a slight frown.

“Why were you looking at them?” he avoided her question masterfully. She looked to the green field before her, the edges of a white dress coming into view. They both watched the pretty girl swing her croquet mallet and miss, laughing daintily.

“They are so beautiful” she said with a small sigh, and felt self-conscious under Ben’s watchful gaze. She turned to look up at him.

“Am I not allowed to look upon something beautiful, and declare it so? I might be a servant, and plain as a sparrow, as Mrs Duncan calls me, but I can still appreciate true beauty”

“That isn’t true beauty, Rey that’s superficial beauty, existing externally and only for the inspection of others.” He said. Rey busied herself with picking daisies to avoid arguing with him.

“True beauty is inside… true beauty is in your heart, in your eyes, in an honest kid word. You are beautiful” he said it with a smile, and she looked up at him with such a ferocious scowl, his eyebrows rose in surprise.

“What misstep have I made?” he asked.

“You tell me beauty is not external, but internal… and then tell me I am beautiful, ergo, I must assume you mean your lofty true beauty, which is internal.” Rey tried to explain the way her heart fell when he spoke.

“And-?” he prompted when she fell silent. She sighed in resignation, before slumping back onto the tree trunk.

“It matters not, I’ll never be pretty… not like them” she muttered, and felt silly and vain a moment later. Her life was not one of pretty ornamentation, it was one of work. Her purpose was not to look nice and entertain fathers and brothers, husbands and children. It was to keep Alderaan House running smoothly, and all who lived there, the staff and most of all, the Solos – happy and content. And she could hardly resent it, when the place had become her home, and she knew how very lucky she was.

“Well, if it is any consolation whatsoever, I think you’re very handsome” Ben said, and she rolled her eyes at him, already overly familiar with the youngest master.

“You have freckles, which some boys find cute, and your teeth are delightfully straight. The real beauty however, are those little knock knees you have”

“You have never seen my knees! You sound like you’re describing a horse” she protested loudly, making both of them laugh. He shook his head and glanced about to make sure they were undiscovered. Not for his sake. He was Master Ben, he could do whatever he wanted, but for hers.

“Lady Kira is the most beautiful” she ventured, referencing the one young lady that Ben seemed to be speaking to more than the rest. He flushed pink in his ears, looking down at the grass.

“Yes, she is beautiful… but I know not if it is true beauty, or only the other kind”

“Time usually tells these things” Rey said wisely, and Ben smiled at his street wise little friend. Sometimes she was the child she was supposed to be and others, she seemed older than he. He knew little of her life before coming to Alderaan House, but knew only that she had been alone, and it had been full of suffering and hardship. He hoped she was happy at Alderaan House, and hoped she continued to want to serve there. It wouldn’t feel like home without Rey there.

He thought how he meant to put a word in with his mother, as Rey grew older. She would make an excellent lady’s maid, and the position paid more, was more highly respected and less physically exhausting as other roles.

“What about you? I notice how you blush when the stable boy teases you” he said, satisfied by how embarrassed Rey immediately became.

“Cease that at once, it’s ridiculous” she muttered, starting to stand up. She had to get back to work.

“Why is it ridiculous?”

  
“Because he’s… an ordeal to be around... and a - boy” she muttered stiffly and Ben couldn’t help but smile at the little kid, just on the cusp of womanhood.

“Believe me, scavenger, soon – that will be the very thing you like most about him” he said, watching her hurry back to work.

His eyes drifted back to the field and Kira, just in view. She raised a hand to wave, and he returned it, getting up slowly, and stealing himself to re-join the party.

 

 

 

1805

                                                                                                                 

“What has my little scavenger found?” the teasing voice sent a flock of butterflies winging through Rey’s stomach, as she twisted around on the garden bench, her hand trapped in the overall pocket, where he had sought to find string to tie the garden clippings. Instead, her hand had closed around something hard covered in crinkling paper.

“Ben!” she cried, turning to be certain that he was indeed home. Larger than ever, he only got taller and taller. She wished to embrace him, longed to throw arms up and swing around him, so relieved to see him after long months apart. It was not proper however, and in recent visits, he rarely touched her, the simple innocence of her youth falling behind, so she simply smiled up at him.

“Well, do not leave me in suspense, open it” he prodded, and she fell eagerly on the packet, opening it to see small, round, brown balls inside.

She stared at it, mildly disappointed, but curious.

“What is it?” she asked after a long pause. Ben scoffed with laughter, and Rey crumpled the bag and shoved it back to him.

“If it is to be a puzzle, then here, take it back” she said, feeling unworldly, while true, in Ben’s presence, was upsetting.

“Are you sure? It’s food…” he cajoled, and she slowly drew her hand back and opened the bag, staring inside.

“What kind of food?”

“Spanish rolls” he said, lounging back on the garden bench, looping his arm along the back of her chair. She simply looked at him.  
“It’s chocolates, like pastilles, but chocolate” Rey looked distrustfully down at them, wrinkling her nose.

“I’ve never had chocolate before” she said.

“Not even drinking chocolate? I know Cook keeps some in the house for Mama”

“Yes, Cook is very fond of sharing Lady Leia favourite foods amongst the staff.” Rey said witheringly, and turned back to the bag, and put her hand inside tentatively. She pulled out one of the small hard candies, and popped it in her mouth.

The flavours exploded, sweet and a little spicy, warm and soft all at once.

“Care to share?” Ben said softly, and instinctively she clutched closed the mouth of the bag, making him laugh.

“I’m only teasing you. It’s all yours Rey, enjoy” he said, watching her eat another one, looking down at it before she did, a soft smile on her face he had never seen before, her eyes closing slightly.

“Why are you closing your eyes?” he asked.

“If you close them, they taste even better… here, try” she said, sacrificing one of her precious chocolates to prove her point. She waited until Ben had closed his eyes and opened his mouth obediently, before popping the sweet into his mouth, her fingers brushing lightly against his lips. He nodded after a moment.

“I dare say you are right. How did you discover this marvellous trick, stealing food by candlelight?” he teased, and watched her face fall a little.

“Something like that” she said at last, turning back to her bag. She didn’t wish to tell him of the nights she had lain in the orphanage and sneaked the meagre scraps she had managed to secret away during the day, too afraid to come out from under her covers, in case someone would see. Or worse, picking through slops in the near black night, putting things into her mouth that smelled like food, always ready to run if caught.

He watched her past sneak up on her, the way the hard memories of her youth rolled over her features, suppressed her sunny disposition and made her seem mournful for a moment. He hated to see Rey sad. Her face was supposed to be alight with laughter and happiness, to see sorrow there was wrong, and it bothered him greatly.

It surprised him, or maybe he had never really noticed, as one does tend to neglect a gradual shift, but he was struck just then by how she’d grown. She was still his mischievous hellion, his ally in any fight in the family, the person in his corner, no matter what the situation, with her stalwart loyalty toward him.

He might have plucked her from the streets that day and offered her a position, but Rey had offered him something infinitely more special – herself. Tireless belief and dedication. In Rey’s gaze, he saw the man he wished to become. And, he noticed, for the first time, how that gaze was growing lovelier, each visit. Her eyes drawing more expressive and wide, ringed by thick lashes. Her mouth, full and pink, almost indecently soft looking. The column of her neck was thin, but strong, with none of the plump lavishness of society girls, and he found it hard to pull himself from his reverie, and improper inspection.

She was getting older, soon it would be time to try and convince his mother of taking Rey as her lady’s maid. Soon, she would be too old to sit in secluded corners with, too old to bring secret, special gifts for, if she wasn’t already so. He tried to imagine what Miss Maxwell might say, if she saw Ben sneaking chocolates into his bags for a housemaid, but was unable to. It was so ludicrous, he wasn’t even able to picture it.

“Ben?” Rey was asking, sensing his wandering thought, her ungloved hand drifting over his, a simple brush of her fingers, over his, and he jolted at the contact. He turned her hand over, tutting over the ridges and callouses he saw marring her slender palm.

“I suppose I must bring you cold cream the next time I visit Regent street” Ben said, unable to stop himself tracing a fingertip over the soft centre of her palm, to feel the contrast. He was suddenly aware that Rey had stilled. He looked at her to find her cheeks pinking, her gaze on their hands.

“No, please don’t. Kaydel will wonder where it came from, and anyway, I’d rather have more Spanish rolls” She said at last, pulling her hand from his, and curling her other around it in her lap.

He didn’t know why, but the loss of her warmth was jarring for a moment. He realised at that moment that he was annoyed that she would deny his thoughtful gift.

He wanted to spoil her, wanted to take care of her chapped hands, as if they were this own. There was something possessive about that feeling, a sort of irritation that she should deny him his wishes, when she never had before. He pushed it away before examining it over much. Rey was just getting older, and as all girls before her, finding her own opinions, likes and dislikes. It didn’t change anything between them, he decided with satisfaction, as Rey started to tell him a story about the vicar in the village and an unfortunate incident involving a pig.

She was still his little scavenger, he reassured himself. She was still his, and she always would be, here under his protection at Alderaan House, in his employ. Taken care off and here to return home to, when the diversions of the city grew tedious, or the feelings of isolation were unbearable.

Rey gestured madly in her effort to emulate the vicar’s face, and Ben laughed, a true and hearty laugh, from the soul. It wouldn’t be home, without Rey here.

  

 

* * *

 

 

The hour was late, the fire burning low, when Rey put a tired hand to her back, trying to ease the pinch there. 

A door slammed upstairs, and Rey and Kaydel, who had been cleaning the kitchen looked at each other in alarm. There was the sound of running steps, across the carpeted foyer, and then another door slamming. They cringed in the semi darkness of the kitchen.

“What in the world was that?” Kaydel whispered to Rey, as she shook her head.

“Do you think we should go up there?” Rey asked. They both lapsed into silence, frozen with indecision.

“We should wake Wokesly, he can decide what to do” Rey said decisively. The head butler, Charles Wokesly was the highest authority on all things Solo, having served at his position more than twenty years, coming straight from the Master’s home with him when he wed.

Rey stared up the back stairs to the servant’s quarters, when she heard the sound of soft feet walking, and the whisper of skirts. She rounded a corner, and froze in shock to see Lady Leia standing in the hall, looking at the doors. She immediately fell into a deep curtsey.

“My Lady, please, tell me how I can assist you?” she said quietly. She remained crouched in her curtsey until Leia had drifted closer.

“Straighten up, it’s late and no need to stand on ceremony. It’s Rey, isn’t it?” she said, and Rey tried not to show her surprise that her mistress, and secret idol, was standing before her addressing her with her own name.

“Yes Ma’am.” She said.  
“You are the one my son has been talking my ear off about” she said, and Rey hide her frown, wondering what Ben could possibly have been saying to his mother about her.

“Rey, I have come to ask you something, and I do not have the patience to be delicate about it at this hour, after the evening I have had.”

“Whatever you say, my Lady, I never presume-“ Leia cut her off with sharp hand motion.

“Have you any experience in begin a Lady’s maid?” Leia asked, eyeing Rey’s simple hair style and well cleaned uniform.

“A lady’s maid? I haven’t thought about it much, it isn’t very likely for me, your ladyship” Rey stuttered out.

“Hmmm, do you have any interest in it?” Leia asked, and Rey felt her cheeks colour. She nodded.

“Very much, milady. I would be honoured, though I might need some time to learn the ways.” She said slowly.

“Well, my son seems to think you would be splendid at the task, and I have hardly seen him more enthusiastic at a prospect in a long time. I am sure after this evening, it will be a long while again”

“But milady already has a lady’s maid” Rey pointed out, feeling stupid when Leia shot her a scathing look.

“No longer. She will be leaving this evening, along with the Marquess for London. I am sure you do not understand the details, but –“

“I understand” Rey interrupted, feeling anger rise in her that someone in such a privileged position had taken advantage of Lady Leia and her kindness. Leia reassessed her then, her intelligent gaze sweeping over the girl, only fifteen, but already strong and wry from work, already sharp and insightful from her experiences before Alderaan House. She nodded slowly.

“Perhaps you do. I have my misgivings about taking on someone so young, but if you work hard, and are responsible, I am sure you can succeed” Leia said, before yawning, covering her mouth with a dainty hand, and Rey was sure she had never seen something more elegant.

“I must retire, and if you would like the position, I will require help” Leia said, raising an eyebrow at Rey, who jumped to attend her.

“At your service, Ma’am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for the comments so quickly and supportive! In the beginning of a new story it's always daunting to put it out there.
> 
> If the pace feels a little fast here, it's because this part is not the main meat of the story, and isn't intended to be too long. Rey is still super young, and though, I could probably write 100k plus of them hanging out around Alderaan House, I am trying to be good about letting things get away from me. 
> 
> I want to have lots of time for the later part))
> 
> Let me know what you think of their gradual shifting feelings etc! xoxox


	4. Chapter 4

1806

 

The first few months of being a lady's maid were packed with so much information, Rey was busier than she had ever been.

There were so many new responsibilities, so many new rules to learn, and constant exposure to Lady Leia, who still, even months later, made Rey a little nervous.

She learned how to press her things, and how to properly handle her dresses. How to match outfits and fix hair. She learned how to apply rouge and powder, and chose the right jewellery for the proper occasion, which also meant knowing where Lady Leia was going and who else would be in attendance.

Winter came to Alderaan House, and with each passing day, Rey hoped that Ben would return for Christmas. Lord Han had moved permanently to his London townhouse, it seemed. Wokesly became short with anyone who spoke of it downstairs, as though even he had expected more from his beloved Master.

Leia travelled to London to call on friends, and buy some Christmas presents, and took Rey with her. She watched the city grow closer from her ladyships carriage, the place she had always called home, now seeming like a bad memory. As they rolled along, she saw how dirty the streets were, how unrelentingly dull and grey the walls were, even of the grand streets they passed through on their way to Mayfair, where they would stay at Leia's family townhouse on Grosvenor Street. Lord Han resided at his family house, a few streets away, and Rey hoped there would be no run-ins that would upset Leia. 

She had stared to become closer to the lady of the house, learning much from her elegant, gentle refinement.

She started to style her own hair differently, sweeping it up into a series of buns, which kept it smooth and out of her face throughout the day. Leia had admired the style, and Rey suspected she might never change it again, after so high praise.

Rey had hoped they might see Ben there, but he was not to be found, and she wandered the kitchen as Leia called on friends and drank endless tea in a procession of different upscale townhouses. The servants here wore different clothes, and there was an even more strict atmosphere than in the country. She had only been there two days when she began to ache for Alderaan House, and the hills that become her home.

On the third day, she asked Leia for an afternoon to herself, and followed the familiar route to Niima Orphanage, seeing little had changed.

Hollow eyed children stared at her smart uniform and warm boots as she walked along the river, her clean, pale skin and shining hair. She had emptied her coin purse by the time she reached the orphanage, and was grateful for the basket she had brought from the kitchen of the Organa townhouse.

Little hands grabbed at her skirts, while the older children hung back and watched her with hungry curiosity. She sat down with the mistress of the house, a different one from when she had lived there.

“Call me Miss Ellen, all the children do” the woman said, smiling tiredly at Rey. There was a kindness to her eyes that had been missing from the mistress that Rey had lived under.

“Thank you, I am Rey. Rey Niima” Rey said, and saw the woman nod slowly, her eyes drifting over Rey’s warm gloves and neat dress.

“Niima, is that right. Well, I am happy to see that not all who come out these doors end up in the workhouse” Miss Ellen said. Rey shifted, suddenly feeling uncomfortable with her station, and her luck. Miss Ellen seemed to sense it, and patted her hand consolingly.

“Now, now, I don’t mean nothing by it. It’s good the girls to see what you can become, with hard work and-“

“Luck. It was just luck” Rey admitted.

“Well, luck can’t have kept you there, only hard work could do that. Now, what was it you wanted to help with my dear?” the woman said.

“I am looking for a boy who used to live here. His name was Finn. He went to the workhouse in Whitechapel about five years ago. I would like to find him, if I could”

“Can’t say I know of a Finn, I’m sorry.” The mistress said, and Rey’s heart fell. She had so hoped to find him, but she had already been to the Whitechapel workhouse and found Finn had moved on last year.

“I understand” Rey said, standing to leave.

“Wait! Maybe I have something that could be of use to you” Miss Ellen said, getting to her feet and disappearing through a door, into a packed looking study.

“The old mistress wasn’t too good at giving things over in a timely manner, but she was exceedingly good at holding onto things” Miss Ellen called, rustling around in the back. Rey drifted over the window into the inner courtyard of the house and looked down, seeing some children playing outside.

“There we are, I knew I saw it – Rey” Miss Ellen said, bustling through and setting a bundle on the table. Rey looked at it.

“It’s the possessions you came to Niima with. The mistress is supposed to pass them on, when a child is old enough to leave, but she must have forgotten”

“I never told her I was going” Rey murmured, walking over to the bundle and touching it reverently. Miss Ellen watched the side of her face carefully.

“Now, I suggest you take that home with you, and look at it at your leisure” Rey nodded absently, picking the bundle up, fighting the urge to rip it open and inspect every last thing there and then. She walked toward the door, pausing on the threshold as Miss Ellen called her name.

“Beware of the ghosts of the past, Miss Rey. They can try and drag you back there with them, and you look awfully like your life is going in the right direction. Be careful” she said, a last warning that Rey struggled to understand, as she nodded and left, quickly making her way down the crowded street and back to the river.

She saw warm light spilling from the drawing room windows of in Grosvenor Street as she approached, ducking around the back to the servant’s entrance. Her bundle was forgotten as she heard the voice she had been longing for echoing along the hall. She heard Leia’s voice mixed in, her soft deep voice warm with attention and love. Her mistress hadn’t mentioned her wishes to see her son, but Rey could tell how she longed for him to appear, as she had felt the very same way.

A bell rang in the kitchen, and a footman disappeared toward the busy sounding drawing room. Rey made herself a cup of tea, warming her hands a little, before making her way up the servant’s stairs for Leia’s rooms.

The fire had already been tended to, and Rey started to lay out her ladyship’s night clothes and freshen the water for her toilette. She set her cold creams on the table, and softened her hands in the warm lavender water she’d pouring into a bowl, before rubbing a miniscule amount of precious cream into her withered hands. It was on Leia’s insistence that Rey use the beauty products. She had suggested Rey might also make use of them, and when she had failed to, she had admitted that she found her hands rough when bathing and dressing. Mortified and strangely shamed, Rey had begun a ritual of moisturising that very day, and never failed to miss an evening.

She sat in front of the fire and waited for Lady Leia to retire. She must have been tired, for it was not soon after Rey had begun preparations that the great lady of the house appeared, smiling excitedly at Rey.

“Forgive me for keeping you late, my dear. We have had a surprise guest” she said, with a weary sigh as she sat on the edge of the bed. Rey immediately went to her and eased her shoes off her feet, and rolled down her stockings, releasing her toes from their misery. She gave her a hot brick to put her feet on, and Leia smiled in gratitude.

“Sometimes I think you can see into my very mind, and know it better than I do myself” Leia said. Rey started to loosen her stays, and then, started the elaborate process of letting her intricate hairstyle down.

“You said you had a guest, my lady?” Rey asked, grateful her voice sounded as even as it did.

“Yes indeed, my son, if you can believe it. I hardly could, even when he and his friends all piled into the drawing room.” Leia chuckled, sounding pleased by the visit beyond measure.

Rey carried out the rest of her duties efficiently, brushing the long spill of chestnut hair her mistress kept so beautifully, and plaiting it before bed. She cleaned her face and hands, and massaged cold cream into her tired bones, as Leia started to drift off.

The fire was burning low as she left the room, after tidying away the discarded clothes and her mistress was already asleep. It gave her a great feeling of pride, to take such good care of the great lady, doing her duties to the fullest of her abilities. If Leia looked tired, she enjoyed soothing her exhaustion. If she was upset she calmed her nerves and comforted her. Not with words, that would be unwelcome and inappropriate.

She tried to provide all those things with her actions and attentiveness. If she was weary, a hot brick or bath, a warmed bed or comfortable nap. If she was aching, warm tea and massage often seemed to help.

She looked at Leia’s face often in repose as she did her hair, and allowed herself to wonder what it might have been like to have had a mother, something to take care of her, dote on her, protect her. She envied Ben his regal, loving mother.

She slipped quietly from the room, and went back down the back stairs. In the kitchen, all was quiet. Her heart fell a little, realising that the company must have departed at the same time as Leia had gone to bed. She looked for Leia’s shawl, which she had been wearing earlier, and couldn’t find it. She must have left it in the drawing room, in her excitement over Ben’s visit.

Rey made her way to the front of the house, an area she was seldom in, and paused at the door of the drawing room.

“I would do it myself, if I didn’t abhor the politics of it all”

“In my case, I am afraid it is not only about politics. It is a matter of legacy, my family has always taken a commission. My father believes it is the only way to be made a man – as far as he understands it” Ben’s voice sent a rush of pleasure of Rey, as she realised he hadn’t left yet, after all.

“When did you last speak”

“Months ago, and a worthless conversation it was” Ben said, bitterly. There was a pause and the sound of clinking glass for a moment.

“When will you leave?”

“Not soon, I’d wager. It would break mother’s heart if I weren’t to return, I will put it off, and idle some more, as young men are prone to these days” an indolent tone had entered Ben’s voice, and Rey pressed her face to the crack in the door, so she might glimpse him.

The men continued to talk, but a footman passed, and scared Rey from her place by the door. Trying to justify her presence there, she told the footman she was there to fetch something belonging to Lady Leia, and he offered to fetch it for her.

“Who is that for?” Rey breath caught as she heard Ben ask the question.

“Her ladyship’s maid, sire” the footman replied.

“I see, and she didn’t think to come and obtain it herself?”

“I offered sire” The footman said, offering Rey an easy explanation. In truth, it would be unseemly for a servant, and female on at that, to enter the drawing room with only young men present, at that hour or any.  Ben knew that well, and yet, no doubt aware she was listening, he teased her.

Rey waited in the hall for the footman to give her the shawl, and then bolted back to the kitchen, her heart pounding and her palms sweating. She sat in one of the hardest backed chairs and stared at the low fire, ignoring the kitchen maid who looked at her curiously.

Why Ben had started to affect her so, she didn’t know. She had little to no knowledge of the things that existed between men and women, beyond the vulgar carnality she had seen as a child. She had seen favours exchanged for money, elicit acts performed under the influence of drink or other excesses and she had seen violations, too terrible to forget.

But what could exist between a willing woman and man, of their own choosing, their own desire? Of that, she had no experience.

The only real bedroom of a married couple she had ever entered was Lady Leia’s and it was well known that she no longer shared it, not even occasionally, with the man who was her husband, or any man. It felt like a shrine to all that was feminine and beautiful, with pale pink silks and cream satin, untouched by that disturbing male energy she felt from Ben.

 A hot warmth writhed in her stomach, slippery and pulsing. Maybe it was titillation, a word Kaydel had taught her recently.

“Rey” Ben’s voice called to her, though the darkness of the kitchen, and seemed to settle right there, in that hot ball of awareness sitting in her belly. She swallowed twice before her throat was clear enough to acknowledge him. The kitchen maid had long since left, and they were alone. It was very dark, only the orange glow of the fire for company, as Rey turned her face to see his shadow standing in a darkened doorway, illuminated by a faint light from the hall.

“Where have you been hiding scavenger? I was worried I would miss you” he said, stepping into the room. Her eyes widened as she looked up as him, and up further still. She wondered when Ben would stop surprising her with his sheer physicality.

“How can you be taller again, since I saw you last?” she gasped, as she stood up to curtsey a greeting to him.

“And you have barely grown at all!” he teased her.

“I have grown, as well as you can see” she argued, pulling herself up to her very tallest, unconsciously setting back her shoulders and raising her chest. Ben stopped in his approach, his eyes falling over her body, in a way that made Rey feel like that hot ball of sensation was growing within her. Even though she had invited his inspection, she now blushed at asking him so causally to peruse her form.

“I am wrong, I am happy to be proven so… You are taller, and finer. You are becoming a beautiful woman, Rey” he said, and nodded with approval, taking in her dress and neat shoes, warm and solid, shining with daily attention.

“Being my mother’s lady’s maid suits you, it would seem. Are you happy?”

“Ever so much, you mother is a wonderful person to be around, I am learning much from her” Rey said, a rush or words, in the wake of Ben calling her beautiful, to soothe over the wild sense of panic and pride she had felt at his imappropriate words.

“I am glad to hear it… and what of me? Do I not look well…” he said, as she narrowed her eyes at him.

“As well as usual, I suppose” she said, and he laughed.

“But you were just telling me I have grown”

“Yes, and one inch taller or broader, and you will no longer look like a gentleman” she said as they fell into their easy teasing.

“Bunch of fops, the lot of them, I’ll never look like them – I have too much Corellian blood in me” he said. At the reference to his father, they both fell quiet, and Rey saw the humour leech from Ben’s face.

“I’m glad” she said, in an effort to salvage his mood.

“And why is that?” he asked, as he turned to look at the fire, running a large hand through his hair.

“Because I think you look – very well. A sight lot better than the gentlemen I see, though, admittedly, they are limited” she trailed off as Ben suddenly leaned down to look her in the eye. At least head and shoulders above her, his suddenly level face was twitching with a repressed smile.

“Are you, Miss Rey of Niima, telling me I am handsome, even with my disreputable Corellian blood, and that you prefer me, above all others? That’s quite the compliment, you might have to fetch mother’s smelling salts” he said, and though his words were jovial, the serious way he delivered them, left Rey feeling like he was being anything but.

“I am glad you prefer me, your master, to any other. It is as it should be” he said, stretching out a finger to catch a delicate curl that had escaped her tight coiffure.

“My lord, do you say that to every soul you employ?” she asked, feeling breathless all of a sudden, trying to reign back the wild feelings inside her.

“No. Only you, _my_ little scavenger. _Mine_ ” he said. She steeled herself and stepped back, suddenly afraid of being there in the dark alone with him, when his eyes had become hungry, and warm.

Ben stared at her, disturbed by the feelings that were awakening within him. He wished to touch her, pull her small body against his. Her mouth looked ripe and he longed to touch her soft, full lips. He wished to hear her sigh in his ear. She was just out of girlhood, he reminded himself, barely a woman.

She would not welcome his advances. It would frighten her, but there was something to that very idea, having her look at him with trepidation and awe, even while trusting him implicitly, that made him uncomfortably eager to advance toward her. The thought of being the one to teach Rey pleasure and intimacy was unfathomably desirable.

 As though she could read the very thoughts in his head, she stepped back, skittish now as she picked up Leia’s shawl, holding it against her chest, as though it might protect her from his lustful thoughts and backed toward the kitchen entrance way.

“I must away to bed, I am happy to have seen you, milord, thank you for visiting with me”

 “Leaving me to my own company so soon?” he said, enjoying the way she blushed. Knowing he made Rey uncomfortable made him oddly proud, as though, it was evidence that she did indeed see him as a man, and not only some childhood friend. She was aware of him, and he savoured it.

“I am tired. I – thank you.” She said, making to leave the room.

“Goodnight, sweetheart” he whispered to her back, as she had already left.

 

* * *

 

 

Rey was surprised to see Ben once more in the morning. She was up before first light, preparing Leia’s trunks for travelling. The servants of the house moved efficiently in near silence in the early dawn light, and soon, Leia was awakening, and Rey prepared her for their journey back to the countryside.

As she was breaking her fast inside, Rey was outside speaking with Poe Dameron, no longer a mere stable boy, but now a groom, and he aspired to be the house’s coachman, one day. Several years older than her, and a good deal more popular in the household, Poe had an easy, roguish charm about him. He had grown up in Alderaan village, and worked at the big house as long as he could remember, as had his father before him. His charm seemed to extend beyond only people, Rey thought jealously, as she watched him calm one of the horses, startled by a passing carriage.

“You may touch them, if you dare” he called to her at her perch, by the railings. She shook her head firmly.

“I would prefer to stay out of kicking distance” she called. Poe laughed at that, and stepped toward her suddenly, grabbing her hand and tugging her over. Her protests died on her lips as her hand met the silky smooth muzzle of one of the great beasts, and she was frozen in fear.

“There, she’s not so bad, now, is she?” Poe murmured, suddenly close by her ear, his hand near hers on the horses’ nose.

“What should I do?” she asked nervously, so aware of the legs that rose almost to her chin, and the soft inhales of the massive barrel chest of the beautiful animal.

“Stroke her, softly, but not too much. You must show her you are in charge, you are the master… but you won’t hurt her. Then she’ll trust you and drop her guard –“ Poe’s voice had moved closer still, and she could feel his face touching her hair, his hot breath on the back of her neck. It made her skin prickle with heat. It wasn’t a bad feeling, but new and strange, making her shiver.

“I rather thought I was the Master of Alderaan House, horses included” an arrogant drawl caused them both to jump apart, and the horse merely looked on.

Rey stepped wildly back, her foot slipping on the raised edge of pavement, but before she could fall, a hard hand wrapped around her upper arm, pulling her upwards, and holding her there with implacable strength, until she found her footing. She found herself pressed against a massive chest, the proportions of the horse made man, and looked up to see Ben, his aristocratic features wreathed in displeasure. 

“My Lord Solo” she went to curtsey, but his hand had not moved from its place on her arm, and his grip had hardly lessened, holding her fast where she stood. Poe had taken off his cap, looking a little bewildered and then fearful as he gripped it in his hands.

“Begging your pardon my Lord, I was only trying to calm the lass, she was awfully afraid of the beasts”

“How selfless of you.”

“My lord?”

“That you neglect your duties and waste your paid time to help others. You must be a truly compassionate man to risk losing his position in order to whisper in a pretty girl’s ear… for her own benefit only, of course” Ben said in a dangerous tone, and Rey felt as though she blushed red to the roots of her hair. Poe’s complexion on the other hand had turned ashen.

“Sire, I never meant to – my duties are discharged and I hold no dishonourable intentions toward Miss Rey. In fact, I mean to-“

“Enough, I do not share your abundant free time it seems, and have no longer the time nor patience to argue with my own servant in the street. Return to the house and find some way to be of use. That is what I am paying you for” he said coldly, and Rey watched with a wretched feeling in her chest as Poe darted inside.

“And Dameron –“ Ben called, just as he was about to disappear to the servants entrance.

“Miss Rey is only a child, and an orphan at that. She is alone and vulnerable, and I do not want to hear about you making advances on her again. Do you understand?”

“Yes, My lord” Rey finally met Poe’s eyes as he stared at them. She couldn’t imagine how it must look, with her still pressed against his lordships chest, in full view of all, her fall long since past.

“I understand perfectly” he said shortly, giving Ben a bow, and disappeared inside. Rey leaned away and stared up at Ben heatedly.

“Are you dallying with that young man?” Ben asked immediately, as colour flooded Rey’s face again, she turned it away and tried to wrench her arm from his grasp.

“Ben – let me go this instance. Remember yourself, and where you are” she hissed, and the panic in her eyes must have registered, as Ben slowly loosened his grip, and Rey stepped away, casting her eyes down as a young lady and her chaperon walked past them on the street, watching them curiously.

“Forgive me my lord, I am overly clumsy today” she said, loud enough for them to hear. Ben bit down frustration as he waited for them to pass. He stepped closer to her again, and she stepped back, mirroring his movement.

“You haven’t answered my question, and stop flinching from me, I dislike it greatly” he practically growled.

“It is unseemly-“

“I do not care, if you do not answer my questions and stop trying to escape me, I shall drag you into that carriage and ask you alone. Then the whole of London can talk of it” he said. Her eyes flashed at him.

“Even you wouldn’t dare” she said stiffly, and raised her hands in surrender as he advanced a determined look on his face.

“Very well, do not glower so, the wind might change and you’ll be the most disagreeable gentleman in all of Mayfair.” Rey grumbled, as she pulled a trunk from its perch on the back, and started to fiddle with it, giving her the pretence of busy work, even while Ben loomed over her threateningly.

“What are you doing?” he ground out after a long moment.

“Keeping up appearances, someone must take a care for your reputation” she said hotly in return.

“You did not seem to give much of a damn about your own before I intervened”

“I am a servant, Ben. No one cares about my reputation, as long as my dalliances are kept within my own class” she said, and could practically feel the rage flooding from him. She glanced up to find a murderous expression on his face.

  
“Is that a confession? Has he bedded you?” he asked, a tone far lower, and more frightening than any she had heard before.

“And if he had? Would that not be my private affair?”

“Your affairs are mine to know and I won’t be refused. You must tell me, Rey. Have you lain with him?” he pressed, as Rey shuddered in embarrassment.

“This is improper”

“If you do not tell me, I will simply demand he tells me. Which would you prefer?” he asked. Rey stared at him, mortified.

“I have not” she finally said, and the look of relief on Ben’s face was so confusing, she looked away, befuddled and shamed.

She felt him move closer, and reach over her, his hand tightening a buckle above her head, bringing the soft leather of his glove into contact with her cheek briefly.

“I apologise for scaring you. There is much you don’t know, your effect on the opposite sex being only one of them.”

“I thought I was still a child, an innocent orphan at that” she said bitterly, upset by Ben’s warning to Poe, at the glimpse of herself through his eyes.

“You are a child, if not in body, in mind. You are pure Rey, innocent, unspoiled, without pretention or airs.” She frowned at his soft tone, looking up to meet his hazel eyes, so much closer than she had imagined.  

She couldn’t help her gaze running over that face, so familiar to her, and so cherished. His tongue ran swiftly over his lips, and her eyes dropped there, and for some reason, she found it hard to move them as they formed his next words, slowly and deliberately.

“But you will not be a child much longer, Rey, and I will not let Dameron claim what is not his.”

Rey could only stare at him, as he turned smoothly, a practiced smile appearing, his eyes trained on the door, at a sound she had missed.

“Mother, I couldn’t let you leave without seeing you off”

“Benjamin, dearest!” Leia exclaimed from the doorway, as Rey turned her burning face into the side of the carriage, Ben’s words scorching a path through her.

They sounded carnal and frightening.

They sounded like a promise.

They sounded like a threat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all,
> 
> Thank you for the comments, I read them again and again, I love them all! 
> 
> Note on age - I hope it isn't making anyone feel uncomfortable that men are starting to show interest in Rey at this age. In 1806 she is now 16, and in keeping with the times, normal dateable even marriageable age.   
> Also, regarding the age gap between Ben and Rey, very common, and actually pretty small. In Regency times, it wasn't unusual for girls of 15/16 to be getting married to men old enough to be their grandfathers... so if this is freaking you out... I plead historical accuracy)) 
> 
> Let me know what you are thinking! Lots happening here and I love to hear your theories. xoxo


	5. Chapter 5

Christmas came upon Alderaan House suddenly, with flurries of snow, wreaths around the house and spiced smell of puddings and cakes being baked.

Rey had put everything that had happened with Ben to the back of her mind as she worked hard to make sure her mistress was as happy and relaxed as she could be, leading up to a holiday that never failed to make her miss her husband and family that they had once had, for a short, precious time.

Poe had been avoiding her, which wasn’t too unbearable, she was sure he was simply embarrassed, as she was, to have been reprimanded by the master. She was sure he would keep the incident to himself, and lick his wounds in private. And yet, there was something to the look of some of the staff, a long, lingering perusal that Rey found unwelcome and disturbing. A whispering among the lower housemaids that would cease when she entered the room.

She brushed it off, simply smiling at them in her usual friendly manner, and going about her business.

Ben’s frightening behaviour, all the more terrifying for how it had scared her and thrilled her all at once, she put down to high emotions and a flight of fancy, and refused to think more on the topic.

There was one thing about her eventful trip to London that she could not easily put from her thoughts, and it was snuggled under her bed upstairs. The bundle from the orphanage.

She had opened it the evening they had returned, as Kaydel slept beside her, her eyes straining in the candle light. Inside there was a blanket, hand-stitched, with initials in the corner – R.K. A hand-made doll, threadbare, with a wooden face, rubbed into a hard shine in places with tiny finger marks on the rough surface. And finally, a letter.

Rey had unfolded it, and stared at it long into the night. It was a long letter, the writing was flowing and beautiful, and she wondered who had written it. If it had been her mother. She had tucked them all away before her tears could touch it.

Who would she ask to read it to her? This was the question that spiralled around and around in her mind. She may ask Ben, of course, but was afraid to. There was also Wokesly, or Mrs Holdo. There was great power contained in those pages, her past, her story. The answers to so many questions. She hungered to hear it, and she feared it all at once. Whoever read the letter to her, would hold great power over her, she felt deep inside. She had not touched it again since.

They decorated a small Christmas tree in the servant’s hall, with Lady Leia’s blessing, and Rey would sit at the chair at the table that looked directly onto it, whenever she could. Rey had loved every single one of her Christmases at Alderaan House, and hoped this year would be no different.

Her hopes were to be in vain.

 

* * *

 

 

The day before Christmas Eve, after attending church in the morning with her Ladyship, to keep her company, and help her navigate the slippery lanes between the church and the carriage, she had returned to the house, and sorted through the mail that had been delivered. She had learned enough of the written word to make out who the letter might be addressed to, and she sorted the ones that seemed to be for Lady Leia.

She prepared her a hot, spiced tea, one of her ladyship’s favourite rituals in the winter time, and went upstairs to help her change.

Leia was standing by the fire, and smiled warmly at Rey as she entered.

“Here you go, my lady, warm your hands” she said, putting the tea on a standing table, and removing Leia bonnet.

“I’ve brought the post for you” she said, smoothing the intricate hairstyle she had pinned up under the hair into submission.

“Anything of interest?” Leia asked mildly, holding her hand out for the letters as she sat in the chair by the fire, her full skirts crinkling beneath her.

“Oh, I wouldn’t know, Ma’am” Rey said briskly, placing the letters in Leia’s outstretched palm, and going to put away her walking out coat and hat.

She worked quietly, only the sound of the fire crackling and the occasional clink of china their company.

“Cook says there’s to be roast beef for dinner”

“Well, it is Sunday” Leia said, and Rey could hear the smile in her voice. Rey anticipated Sunday evening greatly, for sometimes, when there was only the mistress to cook for, a whole roast would go to waste once cut, and Leia had no fondness for the various ways that Mrs Duncan would use the rest of the cuts after, dry and tough as they were. Therefore, when there was a Sunday roast, it usually meant that she and all the staff would be tasting beef until Friday.

A sudden sharp clang on the saucer stilled Rey, as she glanced back to look at her mistress. A sharp cry of exclamation escaped Leia, as the tea, saucer and all fell to the hearth, bursting into tiny pieces, as Rey rushed to her side.

She bit down a gasp of pain as her palm met one of the large pieces, sinking in deep. She looked to Leia, whose face was white as a ghost, her mouth slack, as her eyes filled with tears.

“My Lady! What ails you!” Rey cried, as she took her hands, regardless of the blood seeping from her palm.

“Please, Mistress Leia, tell me what to do-“ she said, scanning her eyes over her form to search for her cause of distress. She could see nothing, her hands closed over the letter, trembling in Leia’s hands, crushed in her fingers.

“Is it this? What has happened? My Lady? Please!” Rey stammered as she smoothed the letter, a harsh, black scrawl as alien to her as always. Leia made a noise of distress, as Rey stared at the letter.

“Fetch – Ben” she whispered, before falling slackly to the chair in a faint. Rey jumped to her feet, a sob catching in her chest. Something terrible had happened, and caused Leia to fall ill, and the very reason was in her hands, and she could not decipher it. She rushed to the bell pull, and yanked it hard several times. She returned to Leia, straightening her neck and making her comfortable, she checked her breathing and her mouth, relieved to find her quite relaxed. Mrs Holdo entered the room, and Rey rushed to her in relief.

“Ma’am, the mistress received this letter, and then, she fell ill, so suddenly – I did not know what to do!” Rey babbled out, on the edge of hysteria. Holdo took Rey by the shoulders and looked at her sternly.

“Rey – calm yourself this instant, we will be of no good to her ladyship if we are too addled to help her. Now, go and fetch Wokesly, tell him we need Poe to go for the doctor, and then he should come here immediately. We will move her to the bed” Rey stared aghast at Holdo, for suggesting that a man should lift Lady Leia into her bed.

“Desperate times, dear girl. Now go, and calm yourself down first, I don’t want you tripping headlong down the stairs”

“Master Ben!” Rey exclaimed, as she made to leave.

“What of him?” Rey asked, as Holdo smoothed the letter out, and read it quickly, her face descending into a terrible frown.

“Her ladyship said his name – asked for him” Rey said, her eyes glued to the piece of paper in Holdo’s hands, her fears written across her features.

“Tell that to Wokesly also. Now, be gone”

.

.

.

.

. 

In the end, four days had passed in a state of near constant anxiety, when Rey finally heard the commanding tones of Master Ben, ringing through the house.

She rushed to the landing bannister and leaned far over, alongside Mrs Holdo. She had barely left Leia’s room in the time since her turn. She had bathed her and tried to feed her, fixed the fire and merely waited. She felt responsible somehow, being the one who had given her the letter. She still didn’t know what it said, only that it had been terrible enough to cast Leia into a deep unhappiness, so much so, she had barely wakened since then.

Ben looked harried and unslept, glancing up at her, as he bound up the stairs two at a time, his riding habit dusted in snow, his boots muddied and forgotten. His eyes flickered over her as he approached, taking in her hollow cheeks and haunted eyes, her bandaged hand and crumpled uniform.

“Master Solo, she is resting well, the doctor is attending her regularly, and staying in the blue room, down the hall, to be on hand.”

“I appreciate the consideration, you have done right, Mrs Holdo” he said, patting the other woman’s arm as they all walked toward Leia’s room, Rey trailing behind them.

“I will fetch him, to give you his prognosis directly” Rey said, and Holdo looked at her a moment over her shoulder, no doubt wondering why she had spoken out of turn.

“Good, do so” Ben instructed slowing as he reached his mother’s door. He stood stared at the dark wood a long moment, before moving his hand to the knob.

“Amilyn”

“Yes, Master”

“After fetching the doctor, you are to retire to rest. You look as though you haven’t slept in a week, and someone needs to be in charge of the house. I am home now, go and rest. I will see you at dinner, we will talk then. Rey as well” he said stiffly, before opening the door, and entering.

They stood in the hallway, in the sudden quiet. Holdo rubbed her eyes with her hand, and looked to Rey.

“Go on then, fetch the doctor, and then go and take your rest. I’ll see you before dinner downstairs” she said, before striding off in the other direction.

 

* * *

 

Rey awoke from a dreamless sleep suddenly, to hear the soft crinkling of Kaydel undressing for bed.

“What time is it?” She asked groggily, rubbing crusts of sleep from her eyes.

“Nigh on 10” Kaydel answered, yawning. Rey shot up, alarm pouring from her. She hoped out of bed and started to dress in her uniform.

“I was supposed to be back downstairs before dinner”

“Worry not, there was no dinner”

“What do you mean?” Rey asked, straightening her cuffs and neckline.

“The Master dismissed everyone beforehand. He was in his father’s study, deep in his cups, one of the footmen said” Kaydel whispered.

“Mrs Holdo said not to bother waking you” she finished, as she slipped under the covers of her bed, and lay back.

“What a strange week” she mused as she brushed her long, blonde hair.

“How is the mistress?” Rey asked.

“Unchanged, even for seeing her son” Kaydel answered. Rey bit her lip, unsure what to do.

“You might as well go back to bed”

“Is Mrs Holdo still downstairs?” she asked.

“Probably, I doubt that woman ever sleeps” Kaydel answered. Rey nodded, making her decision, and left the room, bidding her roommate a pleasant sleep.

She walked quietly down the darkened staff corridors, and down the cold stairs leading to the servants hall. It was dark, only the banked fire casting a warm light on the walls. She saw almost all had been cleared away, and made her way along the hall to where candle light still spilled from under a door.

“I can’t quite believe it, My Lord. I had so hoped – that he would come home again, like he always has” Wokesly voice was full of regret. She stopped just outside the door.

“I think everyone did, even mother. I think she has been waiting for him, all along. For him to grow bored of city life and its trivial amusements. Such things fade in excitement when their newness wears thin” Ben sounded tired beyond measure. Rey stepped closer, unable to prevent herself. There was such profound sadness in his voice, her heart squeezed for him, and worry for Leia doubled again inside her.

“I am to have a sibling, it is a strange prospect, at my age” Ben mused.

“An illegitimate sibling, Sire”

“But a child is a child, nonetheless… an innocent soul” Ben said, and Rey couldn’t help the soft smile that crossed her face at his words. No matter how lost or angry her saviour seemed to become at times, in his heart, he was still the same man who had saved her from a short life of poverty and despair. Lord Han must be expecting a child with his mistress. This is the news that had sent Leia into shock, and subsequent illness.

“Will the child come here to Alderaan House?” Wokesly asked.

“That is for my mother to decide, when she is able. Now, off to bed with you, Charles. We will all need our strength, in the coming days” she heard Ben say, and scooted around the corner, as the door opened at her back. Wokesly bid Ben goodnight, and went up the servant’s stairs. Rey listened closely for a sound of Ben. She wanted to comfort him, and offer her support, but was afraid to intrude. She heard the fire grate pulled out, and a muttered oath, and couldn’t prevent herself from stepping out and going to Ben, who was stooping beside the fire.

“That’s a good way to burn your fingers off” she said, by way of greeting. She nudged him gently out of the way.

“This is the servant’s domain, why do you not ring for help?”

“Everyone is abed, and I did not wish for company” he said, his dark eyes lighting on her.

“I shall leave you, after I fix your tea” she suggested, seeing that he had been trying to take the great kettle off the fire. He watched her in surprise, sinking down on a chair near the low flames, nodding.

“No. I should clear my head. I confess, I partook of a liquid dinner, and now, I fear the morning. Will you stay with me? Whilst I drink?” he said.

“I thought you cared not for company?” she reminded him, as she fixed him tea, and brought it to him, dropping alongside his chair, she knelt on the warm stones of the hearth, enjoying the heat curling through her legs. She offered him the cup, and he took it with one hand.

“You, little scavenger, are not mere company. I would like you to stay”

“For a little while, then” she said softly, as she leaned against his chair legs. He let out a long, slow breath, and sipped the hot liquid.

“I don’t suppose you heard what it was that sent my mother to her sick bed?” he asked after a moment.

“I confess I did, just now, when you were speaking to Wokesly”

“Listening at the door? Little sneak” he said, without rancour.

“And what say you to it?” he continued.

“It’s not my place to have an opinion”

“Yet you will have one regardless, and I would hear it.” He said. Rey thought carefully about her words.

“It is a wretched situation, and one in which no one involved can escape unhurt. That is the way of it. I pray your mother becomes well quickly, I hate to see her so. I hope she may find a way to reconcile this event in her heart.”

“And off my father? And the child?”

“Of Lord Solo, I will not share my opinion. But off the babe, I think you are just and kind. A child is always a blessing. A sibling is an ally in this world. I think your attitude does you credit, sire” she felt his hand, warm and heavy, slowly touch on her hair, and then stroke through it.

“I fear you are the only soul who views me as such”

“No, it is not true. All servants of this great house care for you as I do”

“You are mistaken Rey, at least, I very much hope you are”

“My Lord?”

“I had hoped your regard for me was higher than that of most. The servants here care for me, as they love my mother, and have watched me grow up. That forms a familial bond.”

“As you watched me grow up?” she ventured, and his hand stilled a moment.

“Maybe so, but it is not familial feelings I find growing inside me now” he said quietly, and Rey’s heart shuddered to a stop, before resuming a painful beat.  

“You have nothing to say?” he asked, after the silence between them had grown deafening.

“Nothing you would like” she said then, her heart beat, once raging inside her dying down. To follow this thread of intrigue would be to ruin herself and her position. She was a girl who had survived Niima orphanage and the mills of the river. She would survive her traitorous heart as well. To want Ben in return, was the opposite of surviving, it was falling on a blade, and she could not let herself do it.

“You must rest now, you must be exhausted, riding half the days and nights to reach us.” Rey said, standing up, just as Ben’s hand had reached the soft skin of her neck, his fingers brushing over her nape, fingers twining in the soft hair there.

She closed the fire guard, and turned to him, finding him standing now, looming over her, as he was apt to do. She looked up at him, and tried to force emotion from her features.

“Please, Ben. Rest now, for your mother might wake in the morning, and be glad to see you” she said. Ben slowly placed his hands on her shoulders, the huge palms dwarfing her narrow frame.

“That is the only comfort you would give me, on this night, cold and dark for the soul?”

“It is the only comfort I am able” she said softly, and surprising herself, turned her face to his hand, and pressed a chaste kiss on his knuckles.

“Sleep well, My Lord, and I shall see you on the morrow” she whispered to him. He stared down at her a longer moment, his face slowly relaxing from it’s torment, weariness washing over him profoundly.

“So, you do comfort me, after all. Sleep well, Rey”

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

The next morning, Rey rose as usual, refreshed by her long sleep the previous day, and invigorated by the prospect of seeing Ben.

She dressed and made a tray up for Leia, though she had not awakened in days. She entered her room quietly, and stopped in the doorway, to see Ben asleep, in a chair by the fire, his muddied boots from the ride from Oxford still upon his feet.

She set the tray down, and went to check on her mistress first. Her breathing was soft and even, though her colour was a little high, or so Rey thought. She rearranged the covers, so that she wouldn’t be too hot, and opened a window, the slightest crack, to change the heavy air in the room. Next, she attended to the breakfast tray, pouring tea for Leia, hoping the smell might coax her awake.

She set it by her bedside, and filled a basin with warm water, from near the fire. She gently wiped her face, and mouth, her neck and hands as well, pressing lavender water into her temples, all the while, gently humming a soothing sound. She brushed out her long hair, carefully untangling any snags, before tucking it all safely away beneath her sleeping cap.

“You do take good care of my mother” Ben said, softly from his place by the fire. Rey reddened a little, at the realisation she was being observed, and by the thrill interacting with Ben always gave her.

“I knew you would make an exceptional lady’s maid” he continued, as she poured him a cup of tea, just as she knew that he preferred it, and brought it to him.

“And why is that?” she asked, as she dropped beside him, and attended to the laces on his boots. His hands stilled on his cup, and he watched her raptly.

It was improper for her to remove his boots. She knew it.

However, seeing him wearing them, tight and uncomfortable, having obviously dismissed has valet as well as everyone else the night before, she longed to ease him, the same way she often felt toward Leia. As though a small gesture could convey her feelings, in a way her words could never.

“Because, you are kind.” He said finally, as she eased the creased leather from his legs, and he breathed a sigh of relief.

“I will fetch Dr Paterson, if you wish” She said, standing, and brushing off her skirts. Ben looked up at her, an expression on his face she knew not how to interpret.

A little while later, Rey stood far behind Holdo and Ben, as the doctor delivered the news that Leia’s condition was worsening.

“One cannot simply die of shock” Ben ground out, his large frame vibrating with anxiety.

“It was the turn that brought her low, let other illness in. She was out the morning she fell ill, in the cold and damp, and then, after the shock, her resistance… she is developing a fever I’m afraid – her body is not fighting it”

“What is to be done?” Ben cut in, anger at the situation and his own powerlessness seeping into the air.

“She must be attended, kept cool and comfortable, until the fever has run its course.”

“And then?”

“And then, god willing, she will return to full health” Ben turned away, striding to the window, where he gripped the ledge with a great strength, as Holdo thanked the doctor, and made to leave.

“Rey, stay and attend to her ladyship” she instructed, before leaving her. Rey swallowed nervously, and went to straighten Leia’s bedcovers, following the doctor’s exam. Ben was unmoving in his position by the window, and so Rey went about her usual tasks and let his mood run its course.

“This is my father's fault. He will be the death of her, and if he is, I will be the death of him” Ben said quietly. Rey was quiet, unsure what to say to such a statement.

“Whose blood was it on the letter?” Ben asked after a long pause, still facing the window.

“It was mine, I apologise. In my haste, I leant on a broken teacup”

“Let me see” he announced suddenly, turning from the window. He held out a hand, and waited. Rey tucked her own inside her apron.

“It is fine, my lord. There is no need for you to worry yourself over it”

“Are you refusing a direct request from me? Your master?” he bit out, and Rey realised his anger was not fading, in fact, it may well be growing.

“Very well, as you wish” she said, going to him, and placing her upturned palm in his hand. It was bandaged, with a wound around linen and he turned it over in his hand.

“Remove it” he instructed. She did as bidden, seeing the now familiar jagged scar come into view. It was healing well, the skin already turning into a scab, no swelling around. He inspected it carefully, his hazel eyes concentrating on it with deep intent.

“Do you feel well?” he asked next, a little softer.

“I feel well enough, sire.”

“Why didn’t you know what was in the letter? Did you not read it when my mother fell ill?” he asked, gentle now, and Rey met his golden gaze without shame.

“No, I cannot read, my lord. I have never been taught” she said. That someone of her station should aspire to read and write was foolish, and laughable really.

“Would you like to learn?” he asked next, and she shook her head immediately.

“There is no need”  
“To grow one’s mind seldom requires need, it is done for its own gratification”

“Not for a servant, my lord. Time is limited and my duties many, I cannot indulge hobbies of any sort, never mind ones of no practical use”

“I cannot imagine anyone describing reading as of no practical use. As to the time, do you wish me to relieve you of some of your duties?”

“No! Certainly not, sire” Rey was aghast at his question. She stared up at him, clueless as to how to read the dark expressions that rolled over his features.

“What if I wished to write to you? Then reading would be of practical use”

“I believe that would be unwise for both of us” she said firmly, and gasped as his fingers closed tighter over her hand.

“So – you want nothing from me? No special consideration, no correspondence, no gifts…”

“Your gift to me is my employment”

“That is something you more than earn.”

“A job anyone could do, and yet, the gift is that you chose me to do it” she cried. He regarded her in silence for a long moment, long enough for her heart to gradually slow it’s dreadful pounding.

“How little value you assign yourself” he said slowly.

“I know my place, My Lord. I know my worth”

“No” he immediately interjected.

“You have no idea” he finished, raising a finger, to trace it down the slope of her cheek. Without gloves, his skin on hers was like fire. It raced from its point of contact, swiftly travelling over her, making her shiver. He watched her reaction with hunger. She whetted her lips, her mouth suddenly parched, and his eyes fell there, darkening all the more. She blushed, unbidden, by the rising heat between them, the way every place where he touched her, whether with his eyes or his hands, seemed to ache.

“No, don’t hide from me. I want your reaction. I want your desire. I want all of it, Rey. I want you to belong to me, and to me alone. I want something rare and precious, that is only for me”

“Some might say, that is a selfish wish” she said.

“I am a selfish man” Ben said, without remorse.

“Would you think it selfish?” he asked, and Rey found herself shaking her head. Everything she had and everything she was, she owed to the man before her. Who was she to deny him.

“No, not selfish. Dangerous. I would say it is dangerous – for me” she whispered as he pulled her closer to him. She could feel the heat of the fire on her left side, and the acute awareness of Leia, sleeping to her right. Everything was heightened, unbearably so.

“You are dangerous to me too… to care about something is to be made vulnerable. You are very dangerous to me, Rey” he said quietly, before leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss against her lips.

“We both hold the means to the others destruction” Ben said, finally releasing her, though his eyes looked at her as possessively as ever, and to Rey’s mortification, she found she almost cherished that look in his eyes, as wrong as she knew it was.

 

* * *

 

 

During that day, Leia’s fever grew worse, and the household was all in an uproar. Rey was mostly untouched by it, tending her ladyship and by her side most of the time. She changed sheets and bathed her in cool water, massaged her legs and feet to draw the fever down. She fed sips of broth between her unresponsive lips and plaited and replaited her hair.

She wished she might read to her, but Ben took up that post, sitting by her bedside, he watched Rey work, helped her when asked, and read to her. Society pages and her favourite novels, Rey listened along, swept away by the soft timbre of his voice.

There were busy times, when the doctor was in the room, and Holdo, and there were quiet, calm times, when only her and Ben continued their vigil.

She started to feed Ben, as she did his mother, including food for him on the tray, as he could barely be coaxed from the room long enough to eat. She fed him toast and soup, sometimes even from her own hand. It was indulgent and silly, but she enjoyed the way he needed her now, even just momentarily.

He watched her near constantly, his eyes on her hands, as they capably tended Leia, or stoked the fire, or fixed his tea. On her face the rest of the time, seeming to enjoy their simple proximity. He attempted to feed her in return, something she had protested greatly against.

“I must eat in the hall, with the others” she had maintained.

“You would leave mother to do so?”

“I couldn’t eat in front of you, My Lord. It would be-“

“Practical?”

“Scandalous” Rey finished.

“Oh Rey, how you do care for convention” he had murmured.

“You might too if your livelihood depended on it” she had argued back.

 .

.

.

.

.

 

On the third day, a cold rain blew in from the East and bringing a biting wind with it. It lashed the windows of Alderaan House, and blew down the chimney’s, guttering the fires and sending a chill around all.

Ben sat at Leia’s bedside, as the doctor put away his tools and looked to Ben with sadness.

“It will not be long now, Master Solo. Her fever is not breaking. She might start to have convulsions”

“You said she would recover after fighting the fever”

“If she could fight the fever, but her body is not strong enough. She is aging, and with age comes frailty. She has given up, in spirit, in her heart. Nothing can pull her back from the brink now.”

Ben turned wild eyes to Rey, the anguish in them tearing at her heart.

“Have Charles write to my father, explore him to come, he will come. She will come alive again, for him” he pleaded, and Rey went directly to Wokesly and gave him the masters orders.

They all waited. In the dark of her room, Ben whispered things in Leia's ear, as he stroked her hair. The tenderness of his actions broke Rey’s heart. She wished to leave them alone, but couldn’t, for whenever Ben would rise from his mother’s bedside, he would sink down by the fire, his head in her lap, and talk to her.

He talked of his childhood, the isolation and loneliness of being the boy who had everything, but was alone, and was never quite exciting enough to pull his mother’s attention from his wildly unpredictable father. The times he would comfort her, when Han would fail to come home, only to be brushed aside the next morning, all forgiven, as he showed up on the threshold, with an outrageous gift and a story.

How he had stopped expecting the same love, as his mother had reserved for Han. How Han would struggle to relate to the quiet, serious boy who hid behind his mother’s skirts, and preferred books to the outdoors.  How he would joke that Ben was Corellian blood wasted.

 

* * *

 

Late on, on which day, Rey had lost track, Leia awoke. She struggled in her covers, and turned, calling out wildly.

“Mother, mother, I am here, do not be afraid, you are safe” Ben had answered, leaping back to her side, from his vigil by the window, where he watched the empty road for sign of his father. She had looked to her son, beautiful in the firelight, her hand reaching out to caress his face.

“My son, my light… I am glad you are with me” she had said, her voice rough with disuse.

“I am here, mother, you are to get well again, and I shall return to Alderaan House. I will stay here with you, and you will never be alone again.” He promised fervently. Leia’s eyes seemed to lose focus a moment, as she stared out at darkness, her voice only a whisper.

“Han? Han..” she called, an eerie whisper that sent goose bumps up Rey’s arms, a voice from beyond the grave. Her eyes shut, and Lady Leia Padme Solo, Marchioness of Alderaan, drew her last breath in this world.

 

* * *

 

 

That night was dark and still. The silence was deep in Alderaan House. Wokesly went about the house solemnly, covering the mirrors, as was tradition in his home land of Kashyyyk. Rey wandered the quiet halls after him, helping him hang the cloths.

“Why do you do it?” she asked at length.

“All types of evil spirits and demons visit a family in mourning, where Lady’s Leia’s soul was, now there is a space, and there are creatures that seek to fill it, and jump into this world through it.”

“Do they come through the mirrors?” Rey asked, her hands falling away from the shiny glass she was trying to cover, in fright.

“No, child. You might only glimpse them behind you in the glass. The spirits – they are already here” The butler said, as he moved along to the end of the hall. A sharp gust of wind travelled down the chimney just then, guttering the candles, and making Rey jump, as a low voice called out to her.

“Rey” she turned to see Ben, silhouetted in darkness, standing at the end of the hall. She climbed down from where she had been pulling the cloth over the glass and hurried to his side.

“Do not climb so high, it is dangerous” he warned, and his bleak voice broke her heart once more.

“Someone must”

“Not you” he ordered, before turning aside.

“The doctor has finished his inspection. She must be prepared for mourning. Will you – Would you do it?” he asked. Rey stared at him, her heart wavering. She did not fear death, she had seen it often enough, and yet, it was a strange kind of honour.

“It should be you, you were the best lady’s maid she had ever known, she told me so herself, she was very fond of you”

“Of course. I will fix her hair – just as she liked it” Rey said, her voice trembling toward the end, her resolve not to put more sadness on Ben, dissolving under the weight of her grief.

She felt him standing near her, pressing close, before pulling away.

“Come” he murmured. They walked through the hallways, deserted now, at the late hour, and with the staff too in mourning for their beloved mistress. Ben stopped near a curtained alcove, and glanced at Rey, seeming to consider something, before ducking inside and pulling her with him.

He walked her backward against the wall of the alcove, and the bookshelves there, and pressed her against them, wrapping his strong arms around her, and with a ragged sigh, buried his head in her hair.

She tentatively raised her arms from her sides, bringing them slowly around him, as she felt his shoulders shake a little, that heavily muscled expanse, brought low with loss. She held him to her more firmly, pressing into him, taking his weight as he bore down on her, relieved to share his burden for a moment.

She felt her own tears, tracing down her cheeks. There had been many crying in the kitchen, but others had looked to Rey, having been there when Leia passed, and Rey had felt it her responsibility to be strong, for Ben’s sake. She didn’t want him to see red eyes and salt tracks, when he himself had lost the most. He hugged her closer still, his hands circling her waist, and pulling her flush against him.

She leaned away from him, to see his face a moment, as he lifted it, the light from the small window illuminating a lost, tear stained expression.

“I cannot believe it – only a month ago in town, she was well” he muttered, as Rey raised her hands to his face, and wiped his tears from his cheeks.

“She was so well” he murmured again, staring down into Rey’s eyes as though he could find the answer to his question there. She met that searching look bravely.

“She is more well than ever now, she is safe, and loved, watching down on you” Rey muttered, plenitudes she had often heard.

“Do you really believe that?” he asked sceptically.

“I believe that if such a place exists, your mother would undoubtedly belong there, an angel returned to heaven” he sighed as she spoke, lifting one of his hands, and stroking across her cheek.

“I am alone now, more than ever before. It is unnerving” he said softly.

“You are not alone. I am with you” Rey said, instinctively.  

“And you will stay with me? Come what may?” he pressed, and she flushed, thinking back to their conversations prior, of how he kept pushing to possess her, demanding her total and absolute devotion.

“Ben-“ she breathed, but before she could speak further, he stepped back.

“We must away. She is waiting” he murmured finally, before ducking back out onto the landing, which was thankfully deserted. Rey followed, trying in vain to calm her clambering heart, and together, they made their way to Leia’s room.

“Master Solo!” a voice suddenly called up the stairs from below. Ben stiffened, before leaning over the railing to see who had called.

“Yes, Dameron, what is it?”

“Lord Solo approaches”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry((
> 
> That was a bit rough. I have never meant Han or Leia to be big characters in this one. I am playing more on their neglectful side, than the good parents side, definitely more neglectful than I think they were in canon. Often society children were passed off on a procession of nannies, and only trotted out for the occasional catch up, so going with the times again, Ben hasn't really ever felt that important to them, though he loved his mother desperately. 
> 
> Han is really not great here, a womaniser, and more terrible than canon for sure! I love canon Han a lot, so this one is really only taking his negative qualities. I hope you can forgive it in effort to enjoy the story and for Ben's issues to be plausible. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! I'm convinced your feedback is what is fuelling all these updates, so keep them coming!! 
> 
> xoxo


	6. Chapter 6

 

Lord Han Solo of Corellia strode into the Alderaan House breathlessly, and practically tossed his coat to his old family servant, Wokesly.

“Tell Ben I have arrived”

“He is aware, sire, he awaits you in the drawing room” Wokesly said stiffly, and Han looked at his old friend in askance, before heading in the direction of his son. Since he had received the urgent message, a bloom of dread had been growing in his chest. Things with Leia had been building to a fever pitch, and he had known in his heart that sending the news by letter was cowardly. Now, as he had ridden himself half to death through the night, that sense of dread had been growing overwhelming inside him, causing him to gasp for breath, pain rippling across the muscles there and down his arm, even to the point where holding the reins had been difficult.

They had never been close, not since Ben had been very young. When Ben had been a child, it was the only time Han could remember feeling like a family in Alderaan House. Leia’s home had always been too grand for him to feel comfortable. The village, even the county, had worshipped at the alter of their princess, and he had felt sorely lacking, and judged. Having Ben was a reprieve. He filled their days with sunshine, and happiness, and in that time Han felt truly accepted by all of Alderaan. But in time, as Ben became withdrawn from him, closer to Leia, preferring study and solitude to spending time hunting with his father. They began to grow apart, and the same look started to appear in Leia’s eyes again, disappointment. He feared he had been nothing but disappointment to her, and now, for some reason, his son believed that his presence could be a comfort to her.

He entered the drawing room, to find Ben standing by the fire. He noted, as he always did, how tall Ben was, his son was a fine figure of a man, he felt a sense of pride just looking at him. And then, he turned, and cast him a look so full of hatred, Han remembered that it was not only Leia he had been a disappointment to.

“Well, I am here, in urgency and haste. Should I not visit your mother directly?” Ben looked at him contemptuously, and turned back to the fire, the only sign of emotion was the slow curling of his hand into a fist at his side.

“You are no longer required” he said shortly.

“She is feeling better?” Han pressed.

“She is free of pain” Ben muttered, once again, staring at the flames. Han walked closer to him, reaching out to touch him and found him hard and cold under his palm.

“Where is she?”

“She is freed from her earthly bonds. You are too late, I do not know why I expected otherwise” Ben said, a bitter laugh, as Han was struck dumb. Leia, his sweet and beautiful wife, who he had loved and failed time and time again, gone. He staggered back, feeling a tightness in his chest that made it hard to breath. He turned to see that Ben was now watching him, with a strange gleam to his dark eyes, watching him intently, predatorily.

“She got your letter, father dear. I suppose congratulations are in order” Ben said quietly, following Han around an end table, watching him stagger a little, suddenly feeling all his years pressing in on him.

“In fact, it is that very thing we can thank for her demise… or I suppose – you” he said, advancing as Han continued to back away, as though putting physical distance between himself and Ben could stop the roll of his words. The tightening in his chest worsened, and he found himself unable to reply, could only listen.

“You’ll be happy to know that she was aware of your impending fatherhood, when she took her last breaths” Ben continued on, watching coldly as his father fumbled himself into a chair.

“She has passed?” he finally managed to struggle out. He watched as his son flinched to hear the words aloud.

“It should have been you” Ben said at last, stepping closer, and Han could see the hurt and despair turning into the emotion that all men of his family found easier to bear. Anger.

“Why wasn’t it you?” Ben growled, as he reached out and hauled Han to his feet. Anger overshadowed all else inside him, dark and dangerous, sweet and soft to sink into. It comforted him.

“You ruined her life, and you caused her death” he shouted in his father’s face, his rage blinding him to the pallor of the older man’s face, and slackness of his mouth.

“She loved you, even as she lay dying, betrayed one last time – she asked for you – called out your name, and you couldn’t even be here!” Ben shouted the last, pulling back his fist and letting it fly. His hand connected with a hard smack, and all the unspent anger of a decade seemed to build in him and burst outwards. He punched him again, as he regained his balance, sending him flailing backwards, almost falling, if not for Ben’s iron tight grip on his lapel. He hauled him upright once more, seeing blood pouring from Han’s blackened eye, and crushed nose. A part of him shuddered in horror at what he had done, while the other part relished in finally hurting the man who had left only a legacy of pain for his family to feast on.

“I wish it was you – It should be you” Ben muttered, his eyes locked onto the man who had sired him, seeing almost a stranger there.

“Ben-“ he realised that his father’s hands were not pushing him away after all, they were pulling him closer, a hand reaching up to touch the granite of his cheek. His eyes seemed to bore into him, imparting some emotion he could not understand.

Then, Ben began to see him more clearly, the haze of anger lifting, as once more the creeping feeling of death began to seep into the room.

“Father?” he asked quietly, as the last colour leeched from Han Solo’s face, and in the space of one evening, Alderaan lost both its Marquess and Marchioness, within hours of each other.

 

* * *

 

 

“Apoplexy” The doctor had determined, upon seeing the corpse. He had not remarked on the obvious beating that had taken place shortly before a fatal heart attack had claimed Lord Solo’s life. It was clear who had inflicted the damage. Rey watched Wokesly take his master’s body away for preparations, which he would do himself. The last duty he would perform, for the man he had lived with since boyhood.

The servants were all whispering of how Master Ben had lost his mind, and his soul, taken by a demon, and beat his father to death. The doctor warned that his heart had no doubt been under stress during the ride, and finding out about his wife’s demise and arguing with Ben had been the last strain it could bear. And yet, the late Han Solo’s face was awash with blood, and Rey had seen Ben, staggering out the drawing room, hands crimson and eyes bedevilled.

He had disappeared, while a housemaid had started screaming anew for the doctor.

Slowly, bit by bit the crowd dispersed, and Rey found herself following in Ben’s path toward the door. Outside was bitterly cold and dark, swirling white flakes of snow hung in the air, and she could still see footprints, large and off kilter, heading toward the stables. She ducked back inside and pulled on a heavy cloak kept at the door for footmen to attend carriages, and pulled another into her arms.

“Rey – where are you going, child?” Holdo’s voice called to her. She stood on the threshold and looked back, to find the housekeeper looking at her with a curious sadness.

“I can’t just leave him out there” she murmured.

“We cannot presume to tell our master what to so, or how to act” Holdo said.

“Its freezing, he could die” Rey argued, feeling new tears streak down her cheeks, almost freezing to ice straight away.

“He called you Amliyn. He’s not just a master to you” Rey insisted.

“And he called you Rey, and I think he is not merely a master to you either, is he?”

“He’s my friend” Rey said stubbornly. Holdo nodded slowly, a compassionate twist coming to her lips.

“Then I bid you to be careful Rey. Take care outside, the darkness harbours ill will this night” she said, before closing the door behind Rey, leaving her on the doorstep, the heavy cloak in her hands. She turned to the footsteps, still visible, and started after them.

The wind fairly howled as she walked, so much so she had to bend double against it, to maintain her progress. She made slow, trudging progress to the stables.

Inside was warmer, but dimly lit, the snorting of horses sleeping, some restless as the wind howled outside. She walked down the familiar stalls, looking in at the horses. Ben’s stead was missing. She sank down in the corner of the stall, covering herself with the extra cloak. There was no way to find him out there in the darkness now, herself unable to ride. She just had to hope that he would survive the night, and the torment of grief that had descended upon him. She would stay here, where he was bound to end up, waiting for him.

It was the last thought she had, as her eyes blurred. The long and weary day, the tears and heartache all pushing down on her at once, until she was fast asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

The sound of buckets clanging shook her awake in the morning. She glanced around, surprised to find herself curled in the corner of the horse stall. It was dark at first, the heavy cloak covering her head completely, and she had also managed to work herself down into the hay, so was really quite warm.

She struggled upright, working blood back into her hands, before standing. The stables were quiet, and she saw empty pales sitting, horses nosing at them hungrily.

The household must be held up, she thought to herself, wondering if it had anything to do with the mourning, as she hastened back to the hall.

She rushed in the servant’s entrance, taking off the heavy cloaks and bundling them up for taking back upstairs. As she stared down the hall, Kaydel appeared at the end, holding an empty bedpan. She saw Rey and let out an awful shriek, dropping the pan with a loud clang.

“What on earth!” Mrs Holdo cried as she came from the kitchen, and looked at the scene. When her eyes met Rey’s, she seemed to let go of some sort of tension about her, for she hurried quickly to her side.

“Rey, dear child. We thought the worst had happened. Master Solo returned to the house not long after you left, he searched high and low for you, and sent people out searching.” Holdo had pulled her to the fire in the kitchen, and was rubbing her hands to warm them, her eyes darting nervously about. Rey realised that all conversation had stopped, and cold feel all eyes upon her. It was quiet, deathly so.

“What happened?”

“The Master, he thought you had run off… or worse, gotten hurt trying to find him. He – lost his head… he became terribly angry” Holdo was saying, and Rey was shocked to see actual tears forming behind the formidable woman’s eyes.

“What did he do?”

“Nothing, except rant and rage like a man possessed. A man on the verge of losing his mind” Mrs Holdo said.

Rey felt a strange prickling sensation on the nape of her neck, and suddenly became aware that the servants around them had stopped watching them, and had changed their focus to the doorway behind them.

“Why, Mrs Holdo, where is that famous loyalty my mother raved about? Has it died with her? I am quite lucid, you will be relieved to see” Ben’s voice was cold, colder than she had ever heard.

She turned slowly around, flinching away from the sight of him. He looked like he hadn’t slept a wink, his hair a tangles mess, eyes bloodshot and stubbled mouth downturned. His eyes went to Rey, and she found herself frozen solid by the weight of them.

“Rey – come to me” he said quietly, holding his hand out before him. Rey felt heat rise in her cheeks. He was calling her by her first name in front of everyone. Worse, he was drawing attention to their relationship, in the most acute manner. She started to see why Mrs Holdo had been so aghast. Ben had lost his reason and restraint, and everyone would know. She caught Poe’s eye, and he looked away. It felt damning.

“Rey – come to me, now” Ben said again, his voice a commanding plea and she went. There were too many years of following orders and subservience to disobey, and openly broken look on Ben’s face was too much to bear. But she went slowly, with a pressure building in her chest as she went. She eventually reached him, though made no move to take his hand.

“I must attend to my duties, sire”

“The lady to whom you were maid, has expired. Who do you plan on carrying out those duties on?” he asked, and she flushed.

“I may be of other uses, here in the kitchen, or-“

“No, you will attend me, and me alone” he said, turning away, and starting along the hall toward the stairs. Rey watched him go, cheeks burning in humiliation. Before she could realise what was happening, Ben had reappeared by her side, and gripped her arm, pulling her firmly behind him.

“Master! Stop – I will walk” she cried, as she hastened to keep to his pace, as he climbed the servant’s stairs. All the staff had gathered to watch, to her shame, as she was propelled through the main hall and toward the stairs for the upper level.

She tripped on her skirts going up, and landed hard on her knee, Ben simply stooped low and picked her up, holding her tight against his chest and ascended the stairs quickly, walking purposefully down the hall until he reached his rooms, and throwing open the doors, and kicking them shut.

He put her down, and immediately, backed away. She watched as he paced by the fire, seemingly collecting himself, as his hands curled in and out of fists, his colour high, his breathing laboured.

“My Lord – you must find your reason – the staff are saying that you have lost your mind, and half dragging a housemaid into your bedroom would satisfy them that they are right!” she said, anger, hurt and worry all colliding in her chest as she watched his restless pacing.

“Ben-“ she said finally, when she saw that his discomfort would not settle, his grief too stark and present to resist. Finally, she approached him, and reached out, catching him by the wrist. He stopped his pacing at once though he remained with his face turned from her, his head bowed.

“I am sorry, about your father” she realised they had not spoken of it, not touched the dangerous subject. In a night he had lost his family, and he seemed to be coming unravelled before her very eyes.

“Stop – don’t” he murmured, little more than a sigh. She stepped closer, and reached up for his face, and carefully pulled it toward her. His eyes were hollow dark spaces, empty and fathomless. She tried to get him to look at her, feeling in her heart that he needed to see something other than the scenes of the previous eve, playing out again and again before him.

“You have lost a great deal, you are right to feel as you do” she said quietly. He let out a bitter laugh, full of self-loathing.

“Right? To still hate my father so? When his own blood still dries on my hands, when I watched him die, and I was relieved?” he said, and Rey worked hard to hide the drop in her stomach is words caused. To hear Ben’s words was to know what it meant to feel forsaken.

“I thought you had died too… taken from me, as my punishment for evil doing” he continued.

“Ben, you did no evil-“

“You are wrong Rey, I felt evil enter my spirit last night, and it has taken root, and I can feel it inside” he said, tearing at his chest, pulling his shirt askew and leaving red marks on the pale skin.

“Stop! There is no evil spirit or demon – there is only men and mistakes that are made. You were upset and angry, he was already ill”

“And so I helped him along… I swore I would be his end, and I was. I wished it upon him, and I felt my wish come true” Ben said, his voice breaking on the last, as he sank to his knees before her, pressing his head into her stomach. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and pulled him tightly to her, her heart breaking for him, and his raw, unbearable pain.

“I thought you had seen the monster inside me, without pretence or disguise, and you had left me, better to brave death in the cold that spend one more moment by my side.” He confessed.

“I will not be without you, Rey” he said after a moment, and Rey shivered in the sudden cold she felt creeping over her.

“Ben, the way you acted in front of the servants-“

“I care not what they think”

“But I care… they are my family”

“I am your family, now” he said resolutely.

She stared in frustration down at the top of his head. How to make him understand the home she had found in Alderaan House, the girl who had never had anyone, suddenly being surrounded by community. How she had felt a sense of belonging, of kinship, for the first time, and how precious it had been to her. He had spoiled it, and she could hardly blame him, mad with loss and guilt. The dye had been cast, and she had lost her home, without ever leaving it, for never would they forget such a scandal. Their opinions of her were forever changed, whether true or not, for there was not much hint of impropriety needed in order to ruin the reputation of a female servant, or really, a woman of any class.

“What will become of me now?” she asked him numbly, once again an orphan tossed into an unknown fate.

“Worry not – you will always have a place. I will always provide for you, Rey.” He said gruffly, looking up at her, his hands digging into her hips, hard enough to leave marks. A brand of ownership.

“Everyone saw – what they must think-“ she said again, tension building in her, sadness  over her mistress’s loss and fear of the consequences all threaten to overwhelm her.

“They will not tempt my anger by upsetting you. It is a good thing, to be favoured by the master, you shall see. You will be well treated until I return-“

“You are leaving?”

“I must travel to London to attend to funeral matters, and arrange the death notices. I wish you would accompany me” he said, and Rey was shocked by the suggestion. She blushed furiously. If the servants weren’t talking of her now, they certainly would be if she accompanied her Lord to London. He took in her red cheeks and downcast eyes.

“Fear not, it is not a demand, merely a wish. I will return as soon as I am able and then there is much to think on, regarding the future.” He said.

“You will await my return” he said, and Rey heard it for the command it was.

He stood slowly, seeming to tremble under the strain of the evening, and as he walked to his dressing room, passing an uncovered mirror, Rey fancied for a moment, she could see something. She thought of Wokesly's spirits, the demons all men carry, guilt and fear, anger and loneliness, feeding on the living like parasites. She wondered what her demon looked like. 

Ben's was black as pitch in the mirror and wretched, clinging to his shoulders, a shadow demon, a devil on his back. Then he turned and it was gone. 

But still, as Rey watched him prepare to leave, his voice hard and empty, his eyes blank with pain, she thought that maybe it was just hiding, perhaps it had always been there, and maybe it intended to stay.


	7. Chapter 7

  “Sir, you have callers. Miss Maxwell, Lord Hux and Lady Phasma await you in the drawing room.”

“Very good” Ben muttered, pushing back from the desk in the study and pulling his coat on over his shirt, and hoping he’d pass as presentable. He had been writing to his family relatives abroad. The news had spread quickly in town and now it seemed his friends had come calling.

He wondered if he would really describe Armitage Hux as a friend, and fancied not. He was a classmate from Oxford, and from a similarly wealthy and noble family. There was something about him that made Ben uneasy, though he knew not why. Something in his manner that was off putting. His sister Catherine was a strange sort too, a little too reserved and cold for company, she could be counted on to discuss serious matters, those which few ladies preferred to.

He entered the drawing room, and forced a smile to his tired face.

“Benjamin! I am so glad to see you. I was quite distraught when I heard about your parents” Kira Maxwell was as pretty as always. Petite and blond, her body was all warm curves and dimples, beneath her strategically chosen white, sprigged gowns. They held an innocence that sometimes Ben wondered at, seeming a touch contrived. Her angelic blue eyes were honest now, he thought at least, as she gazed up at him, taking his hands in hers.

He thought for a moment how Rey would blush and flinch from even the most innocent touches. She was not free with her affections, and every liberty he won felt hard earned.

Kira touched his cheek, surprising him, as he brought his attention back to her.

“Are you well?”

“Miss Maxwell, I apologise. I am well. As well as I could be, in these circumstances”

“A terrible business, Solo, you will accept our family’s condolences I’m sure” Hux drawled from across the room, already having helped himself to the port.

“Yes, I was terribly sorry to hear of Lady Leia, she was such a treasure in society, so well read and refined and terribly knowledgeable, well, I mean she was, before she left the scene when your father-“ Catherine said, and cut off when her brother rolled his eyes and huffed loudly.

“I hardly think he wants to be reminded of that now, Catherine. Do try and develop some tact” he said, embarrassing himself as much as his sister with his outburst, Ben thought critically. He took a seat near Catherine, and ignored Kira’s pout, as she flounced into another empty chair.

“She was clever, wasn’t she? She had a rebellious heart. She did so hate convention.” he said to Catherine softly, coaxing a relieved smile from her.

“She was really very inspiring”

“That women should aspire to be frightfully clever, I do not know. I don’t see it bringing one much happiness” Kira said from the corner.

“And what should women be concerned with?” Ben asked after a long moment, sitting back to include her in the conversation.

“Well, running an efficient house, or at least, learning to give commands that may be useful to the housekeeper. Practicing her talents, such as drawing or music, so she might entertain her husband and friends”

“If that is to be the sum of a woman’s ambition, I might wish I were born male in that case” Catherine said, as Kira laughed scornfully.

“What an odd thing to say! Why would you like to be a man, when being a woman is so very agreeable?” she said.

“I don’t think being a woman is so very agreeable, surely it is a matter of opinion?” Catherine said coldly.

“Ben, do you not think this a very unladylike a conversation?” Kira interrupted suddenly, trying to draw Ben onto her side.

“It is amusing me greatly to hear such different points of view, and providing a great distraction from my grief” Ben added. Catherine nodded from her seat, before launching into her reasoning.

“Men may make important decisions that govern an entire family, where women may not.”

“My mother makes many decisions-“

“I hardly count what to have for dinner or which flowers to put in the parlour decisions of importance. Men may engage in industry or investment, or politics if they wish. They may seek diversion outside the home, where women are held captive inside unless they are accompanied”

“Well, I should hate to go to a ball that was only ladies!” Kira exclaimed.

“Men may go to war, and fight for their beliefs and country.”

“You wish to go out on a bloody battlefield and starve to death or be slain? I thank goodness that I am spared such things every day.”

“Yes, you are, because you are a wealthy, gently bred lady. Do you think poor women are spared violence and starvation? In this very city, it happens every day.”

“Now you wish to be poor also? Make up your mind Catherine”

“Do not be obtuse Kira” Catherine said with the air of one tired of explaining things beyond others capacity to understand.

“Hux, do change the subject and remind your sister of the purpose of our visit today” Kira huffed, growing agitated.

“Yes, Catherine darling, do not infect Miss Maxwell with your radical ideas. You will quite ruin her for any self-respecting husband she may have. We are here to lend support to Solo” He reminded her lightly, pouring a second glass of port, and offering it to Ben. He took it, finding it a relief to bury his face in the glass a moment, the warm spiced liquid fortifying.

“Shall we take a walk? Fresh air will do you good, Benjamin” Kira said suddenly, shooting to her feet.

“If you’d like” he said, standing, as the rest complied.

 

Outside, the winter was less harsh in the city than the country, warmed, but dirtier. He would prefer the searing cold of the moors, and the fresh and crisp clean snow over the steaming chimney’s and sooty grey slush on the streets any day.

As they walked, Hux and Catherine moved on ahead, and Kira linked her arm through his. She smiled at him, her heart shaped face framed by a blue bonnet, the same colour as her eyes.

“I am so sorry that you have suffered so” she said, as they walked slowly along a busy street.

“I know, you are kindness and compassion to visit” he said.

“Only to some. I think only those I care greatly about might describe me as such” Kira continued, glancing sideways at him.

“I suppose that must mean you care greatly about me” Ben supplied for her, her direction most obvious. She blushed charmingly.

“Am I so transparent… you will think me too forward”

“Your manners are impeccable, as well you know”

“Well, I try my best, but it is difficult at times. When I heard of your parents, I wished to come to you directly, no matter what time of day or night, I only thought to comfort you in your greatest need”

“And yet, I have been five days in London, and this is the first I have seen you” Ben remarked lightly.

“It is a blessing and a curse to have had such a successful coming out, why, my calendar is full of appointments” She said importantly, and Ben smothered a smile. He expected nothing less of her. She was beautiful and accomplished, confident in her position, and others good opinion of her. It would strike her as impossible to cancel previously scheduled appointments, even for an emergency, for a lady of good breeding should always honour her commitments, especially when husband hunting. At least she was predictable.

“I did not know if you had heard, how successful my coming out was?”

“No, I have been otherwise occupied”

“Of course. Well, I’ve been frightfully busy, and mama hopes to announce an engagement soon” she said. Ben looked at her in surprise.

“I did not know you were considering marrying yet” he said.

“Well, I am getting older, and I have two sisters younger, who wish their own debuts”

“Yes, of course” he said, leading her across the street to the park Hux and his sister waited before.

“What I mean is, Ben – you are of your own means now, you are a Marquess. If you wish to speak to my father, he would receive you happily” she said, stopping as the words were delivered. Ben stopped alongside her, surprised by her candour.

“Is that what you would wish me to do?” he asked slowly, and Kira’s creamy pale complexion coloured a little as she smiled shyly at him.

“Me – Marchioness of Alderaan? Could you imagine it? We could throw great parties in the country, and bring all out friends there and then live in town, the rest of the year. We would need more staff, of course. The house of Grosvenor Street is a little small, but could be made do with, especially if we kept another residence nearer to…”

Ben had ceased listening, as Kira talked of their lives together. She was being very forward, he thought, though he didn’t mind it. It was illuminating. Of course, young women of the ton knew how to break rules, and which ones to break. Kira was making a play for the biggest fish interested, he thought pragmatically. Most of her other suitors would not have inherited yet, therefore, it put him at an advantage, without a dowager to contend with for power. He admired Kira Maxwell greatly, she had been good company and had a natural cunning that was amusing. But she was ambitious, and ruthless and perhaps a little too mercenary.

Ben did not like to feel hunted.

He thought of Rey’s tanned cheeks and freckles, her natural wide mouth, as soft as a rose, and the way her eyes reflected the world around her, so much so he could almost see it through her eyes.

Kira Maxwell would make an agreeable wife, popping out a child or two, until relaxing into middle age, and expecting her husband to considerately take a mistress and leave her to her own devices. It was an arrangement like most.  There would be little passion there, little spark.

He thought of Rey’s reluctance to be touched, and then her decadent shiver when his hands found her, the way her aloofness would drop away, and then, she fairly burned in his hands. She was female in a way he had little experience off. In the drabbest uniform and most unfeminine positions, she managed to draw his eyes, his body responding even to her most matter of fact ways. She did nothing to lure him in, and he was powerless against her.

When Kira looked at him, he felt his worth as a Marquess.

When Rey looked at him, he felt his worth as a man.

How he longed to bend her to his will, teach her pleasure and love in his arms, break down the wall she had erected around her heart, to keep all out. He longed to burn her ice away with fire.

He would never desire Kira Maxwell to belong to him. She would probably move her mother in, where ever she ended up living, and spend half of every day at least with her lady’s maid, the children’s governess and other wives of the ton. He felt no urge to possess Kira Maxwell.

But Rey, just the thought of it, made him hunger to see her. That light, reserved solely for him. A beacon in the night to lead him forward, a straight and true path. With her sensible practicality, warm-hearted goodness, and constrained propriety, hiding a simmering passion unequalled. _That_  - he wanted all to himself. Though, perhaps Kira Maxwell would make a fine society wife, to keep up appearances, one who preferred town, while he preferred the country. Musing on that idea, he followed his friends into the park.

 .

.

.

.

.

 

“Mrs Holdo, I have come to ask you something, if I may” Mrs Holdo opened the door to her study, and held it, as Rey stepped in.

The days since Ben had departed for London had been strange indeed, and she was choking on her unhappiness. The staff were wary of her, following Ben’s behaviour the previous night. The older ones treated her with thinly veiled contempt, perhaps that such a newcomer, low born and uneducated, could dare to presume a personal relationship, mere friendship or not, with their master. The young ones looked at her with morbid fascination. Her home, was no longer.

Without duties to perform, she had been sent away from the kitchens. She hadn’t been allowed to help with the cleaning, and Wokesly wouldn’t let her perform any task the master might object to. In one night, she had become too important to upset, and beneath even the lowliest kitchen maid in one fell swoop.

She remembered Mrs Holdo’s concern for her, the morning of she returned from the stables. There had been compassion in the older woman’s eyes, and Rey desperately needed that now.

“Rey, what can I help you with”

“I would like to be reassigned some job to do. I hardly feel useful at all these days, and I want to work, to help where I can”

“Rey, dear, we all heard the master’s edict, you are to attend him, and him alone, until further instruction is given.”

“A female servant for man? It is scandalous” Rey said, a look of misery on her face. Mrs Holdo softened a little then.

“Rey, are you here against your will? Are you hostage of some kind?” she asked after a moment. Rey shook her head.

“Well, I do not mean this is be hurtful, but the master has been clear in his decisions. If you are not a willing participant – there is nothing stopping you from leaving his employ”

“I have no place to go, no family, nothing outside these walls. I have nowhere” Rey said.  
“And if you did? What would you do?” the housekeeper asked, her question confounding Rey. She was speechless a long moment.

“I do not know. I have never considered by fate as being able to be changed. I have never seen it as separate from his master’s wishes, since I was a child, and he offered me this place.”

“It is something to think on, dear child. The master is a good person, like his mother, but he also shares his father blood, and perhaps his proclivities” Mrs Holdo said slowly, choosing her words with great care.

“I do not mean to say that the late master was not a good person. He was charming and manipulative, and he always got what he wanted, whether the other person agreed of not. He was a person around whom, other’s opinions, other’s dreams… just blew away, so strong was the force of his personality. Lady Leia suffered this fate, she lost herself, to her love for him. Master Ben has all that charisma and charm and more, the entitlement of a boy who has never been denied”

“You make him sound dangerous”

“He is dangerous, it is the only way he can sound” she said simply.

 Rey rung her fingers in her lap, and carefully slipped her fingers into her pocket, pulling out the crinkled letter. She had stared at it long enough, fearful that the contents might be worse than knowing nothing. It was time to stop running from the past.

“If you cannot give me a job to do, then, perhaps you could do me this kindness. It will not be pleasant, and I might blame you for it, but would you read this letter to me?” Rey asked finally, the words she had wished to say for more than a month finally breaking free.

“Of course” Mrs Holdo said, holding her hand out for the letter, as though it weren’t the most precious thing Rey had in the entire world. She held it out carefully. 

“It is very old” she said, to explain her care. Mrs Holdo took it gently and opened it, smoothing the crinkled paper flat. Then, she began to read.

 

 

“Dearest Daughter.

 

My mother was called Reyna, and you are her namesake. It is fitting, for you are my little ray of sunshine.

I doubt you shall ever read this letter, I pray you will not, for I shall have already returned for you long before now.

 But life has a way of making sure prayers are not answered. Time is too short and this page too small to tell you our story here. For that reason, I enclose my name, and that of my closest ally and confidante and an address where answers may be found. 

 

I hope to be reunited with you soon.

 

Mara Ridley”

 

 

Mrs Holdo cleared her throat, and looked up at Rey.

“There is an address here, for a village called Dunbeath, in Scotland, and a name, Mazarine Kanata of Takodana” Rey sat frozen, the words swirling in her head.

“My mother – did she mean to come back for me? If so, why did she not?” she asked finally, reeling from the news.

“Is Ridley my past name?”

“I suppose that would depend on your father’s name, child” Mrs Holdo said. Rey considered her words. There had been no mention of her father in the letter, the mystery remaining.

“What should I do?” she beseeched Mrs Holdo. The kindly old lady looked every one of her years this morning, the strain from losing her ladyship, not just a mistress, but a friend, clear in every line of her face.

“Your mother spoke of prayers seldom being answered in this world, and I know it to be true. But sometimes -” she said, folding the paper carefully and handing it back to Rey.

“I think you may have just found your place to go, Rey.”

 

* * *

 

 

Rey took her leave of the housekeeper.

She slipped out to the garden, wrapping herself in a warm cloak, planning to walk and clear her head. The gentle hills were beautiful in the January light, and as she went, she could almost forget the terrible events of the past few weeks, and the horrible decisions that awaited her at home.

She looked back to Alderaan House, in the grey of the winter morning, trying to remember all the little details she had loved. The warm lights in the multitude of windows, always making her feel awed, the puffs of smoke rising into the cold air from the numerous chimneys. The beautiful manicured gardens, all covered in a dusting of white, like some Christmas cake treat, waiting to be devoured.

The house seemed so changed now. She thought of Dunbeath village in Scotland, and wondered who awaited her there, who held the answers to her questions. Her past, finally within her grasp. If she left Alderaan House, how could she ever return? It had been her first real home, and it was Ben’s home always. The thought of leaving him, even for a while was upsetting. It felt like a betrayal, and yet, there was no future for her there. She didn’t require Mrs Holdo to tell her that. The place she had thought of as home, was now beyond her reach.

Even if she stayed, she would never drink tea with Mrs Duncan by the fire, hot buttered currant buns on spikes to warm. Never walk with Kaydel into the village when the fair was on, and see the performers and all their lively tricks.  She would never enjoy the simple pleasure of waking up in a full house, brimming with energy and joy to start the day and be part of the mechanism that kept that great house running. Ben had destroyed it in his grief, and with selfishness that was inherent to his class, for who was she and her reputation compared to his. What he was to offer her in return, she couldn’t comprehend yet, but felt afraid of it, all the same.

She felt a duality in herself, as she walked that cold morning, as though a different Rey was awakening inside her. One who wanted something for herself. A feeling that was new and startling. A powerful need to know about this woman had had written so prettily, who had borne her and loved her. A need to understand her place in this world.

The frozen grass crunched beneath her feet as she walked on, a wraith in the half-light, the low mist shrouding her form, haunting the grounds.

 

* * *

 

 

Ben had been gone a fortnight in total, and she had been struggling with the developments of the letter for seven long days, when she heard the cook call out that they were to have the master and his guests for dinner that evening. All had been prepared and taken care of for the death rites, and the former Marquess and Marchioness of Alderaan had been removed for burial. Rey sat up from her spot by the fire, and listened as Mrs Duncan went through the guests who would be coming. Two ladies and a man, as well as the master. Not an eye strayed to her at the news, but still she felt keen scrutiny, and took the mending she had wrestled from Kaydel to her room to finish.

The afternoon came and went. Dinner time approached. Rey stayed in her room, her heart jumping at every noise outside the door.

It was very late when Kaydel came to bed. She saw Rey still sitting upright, sewing in weak candle light, her expression carefully passive.

“It is a relief you are still awake. The master wants you” she said, coming in and sinking onto the bed with a tired sigh. Rey heart jumped painfully.

“What do you mean?”

“He bids you to join him in the drawing room”

“I couldn’t possibly” Rey said instinctively. Kaydel threw her disbelieving look.

“He told me if you didn’t arrive presently, he’d be up to fetch you himself” she warned and Rey jumped from her position, and straightened her uniform, meaning to deter any repeat of the previous week, being dragged through the servant’s quarters.

There was a flash of pity in Kaydel’s eyes as she watched the tremor run through Rey’s body.

“If you don’t fight him, it’ll be easier… it will hurt less. That’s what my ma always said to me” Kaydel said, as Rey made to leave.

She walked numbly down the stairs and along the hall landing, and then down the richly carpeted floors of the main house. All was quiet, so quiet Rey could almost hear her heart pounding out her chest.

 

She stopped outside the room, rooted to the spot, on the threshold to the unknown, a dark precipice over a sea of uncertainty, with a man who would own her soul inside.

She pushed opened the door, and it swung in soundlessly. At a first glance it appeared empty, but as she watched, a dark figure moved in one of the deep armchairs before the hearth. The roaring fire sent shadows leaping up the walls, a demonic dance of amber and midnight surrounding him. She entered, shutting the door quietly behind her, and approached, her heart shuddering painfully with each step. As she drew closer, he raised his eyes to hers. She saw his empty expression, deep shadows carved from lack of sleep, pale and tired beyond measure. His eyes fastened on hers with a desperation that frightened and thrilled her.

“You have returned” she said at last. He did not reply, simply held his hand out to her, leaning forward slightly to reach her. It wavered in the air between them, and at length, she took it, feeling as always that shock that his warm skin sent though the point of contact, pulling all her attention to it. Without standing, he leaned backwards, until he was fully seated once more, and pulled her hand until she stood between his thighs, as he opened them to accommodate her.

“Did you miss me?” he said, a quiet question, low and throaty. Rey watched him enthralled. This Ben was new. Darker than ever before and full of intent, gone was the light joking from his eyes, or even his usual fondness. It had been replaced by something harder, something purposeful and possessive.

“I always miss you when you are away” she murmured, as he placed both her hands on his shoulders, and in a shocking move, slid his hand around the back of her thighs. He carefully and methodically started to pull her heavy skirts up. Her mouth felt like it was filled with ash, her nerves were building impossibly, she was glad for the firm strength of his shoulders to hold onto. She felt when the first free air touched her skin, just exposed under her drawers. He twisted her skirts around the front of them, pooling them in his lap, and then, returned his hands to her bared behind, and slipped his fingers into the waist band of the drawers, and pulled them sharply free, letting them drop to the floor.

Rey flushed, feeling as though all the blood in her body had rushed to her uncovered flesh. She had never felt so brazen or decadent in her life, and it was heady.

“Come to me, Rey” he murmured, now lifting her by her thighs, bare and trembling. He pulled her into his lap, arranging her skirts over her thighs again, straddled across his own legs. He groaned lowly as she let her weight fall upon him. She gasped at the sensation, the feeling of his breeches, buttons and fastenings and all, against her nakedness and him. Her legs were spread over his thighs, so heavily muscled it felt almost like stone. His hands were travelling up her sides now, lingering on her middle a moment, the large plans spanning the clinched in waist, before rising to her face, and cradling around it.

“I missed you, little scavenger” he said, as his eyes found hers again.

“Rey, I am going to kiss you now.” He said softly. She nodded slightly, caught in the terrible spell he was winding around them. His hands had woken desire in her body, so acute and foreign, she could barely cope with the sensations burning inside her.

His thumbs brushed across her lips, and the dragging sensation made her cry out, arching her back, feeling his clothed hardness press against her bare softness. He held her tightly to him, his fingers circling her neck. She felt laid bare in all ways, her body and her emotions supplicant to his will. She felt their bond, felt it flourishing inside her. He wouldn’t hurt her, not in this, she knew. It may be about to change her forever, change him too and their relationship, but in his actions and desire, he was earnest.

“Don’t be afraid, I feel it too” he murmured, as his lips met hers. He kissed her long and deeply, his tongue pushing against hers in a rhythm that made her dizzy. He sucked her bottom lip into his mouth, and the suction was a fresh wave of desire rushing over her. His hands were on her neck, and then her jaw, and dropping to her shoulders, and then, lower still. She caught her breath when he touched her breast, softly kneading it through her dress.

Breaking the kiss, he looked down to her uniform, and roughly pulled at the lacing near her neck, the thin fabric proving no protection against his strength.

“My dress-“ she murmured.

“I’ll buy you ten more” he promised, as he pulled at the fabric, until at last, he was running a heavy thumb over her shift, her bare breast just underneath, the nipples hardened almost to the point of pain, she found, as she panted, watching him with rapt attention as he looked at her with that same, enthralling hunger.

“May I – taste?” he was saying, and without knowing what was guiding her actions, her hands were moving to the back of his head, and she pulled him closer to her chest, in a gross imitation of a babe suckling. The feel of his hot, probing tongue made her quiver and she was ashamed to feel the heat that he was building inside her pooling between her legs, pressed against his breeches. It all felt depraved and indecent, and indescribably tormenting. She had never thought pleasure could be something to torture someone with, but now, she realised how much more her body was capable of, hidden depths of sensation and feeling, that she was only scratching the surface of. He was sucking at her nipples through her shift, and squeezing and rolling her entire breast in between his large palms, a desperate sound issuing from his mouth, as his hips rolled up into hers, harder than before. It seemed she was not the only one in torment. His right hand had left her chest, and delved under her skirts, creeping up her thigh, as his mouth returned to hers, feasting there.

His fingers were all she could think of, as they slide up her hot flesh, skin that had never been touched by any other than her, and rarely so. He reached the place were warmth and wetness seemed to be issuing forth. The place that had started to ache to be touched. He hesitated there, on the cusp, and she pushed her hips harder against him.

"I wish to touch you Rey"

“I wish it too” her voice did not sound like her own, and the words certainly did not either. What she wanted with that bouncing movement, what his fingers might do, she knew not, only that to be touched there by him, was to follow the screaming of her body and demand of her heart. Slowly his fingers brushed her, making her go rigid with feeling, as his fingers carefully caressed her, again, and again, before dipping lower, and finding that pooling, wet feeling that had been building. He captured her mouth in a new kiss as his fingers sorted through that dampness, the evidence of her attraction to him, before stroking her folds. She shuddered in his arms, a living flame.

“My love – you are more exquisite than I had dreamed” he was saying into her hair as his fingers started to explore more freely, one even slipping inside her. She froze, the sensation thrilling and scaring her. He was breeching her body, and she could not ignore how whole it made her feel.

“I am going to take you Rey, and afterward, we will belong to each other, completely. You will be mine, and mine alone. Only my hands will know this body, only my touch will make you burn so.” He was saying as he pushed his long, thick finger deeper inside, his thumb circling a bundle of nerves hidden in the brown curls that covered her modesty, and Rey couldn’t help crying out, his name a groan and a plea against his lips. She was clamped tight around the intrusion, her untested muscles squeezing to evict him, even as she longed for him to gain admittance.

“I won’t hurt you, sweetheart. Trust me and let me in. Do you trust me?”  he asked, his voice a half-groan as his finger slid another inch inside.

“Yes” she replied, feeling heat spiralling up through her body, an uncontrollable fever.

 

"Lord Solo - Miss Maxwell requires assistance” Wokesly’s voice from outside the door felt akin to being dropped in a cold lake, only moments from waking from a deep and peaceful sleep. Rey gasped, her eyes flying open, even as Ben’s hands flew from under her skirts, and settled on her mouth, muting her cry of surprise. She stared at him in horror, as he motioned for her to be quiet.

“Very well, I will be out directly. Fetch Mrs Holdo if you please, Miss Maxwell will need a chaperon.” He said, his voice ragged and hard pressed.

“Yes, Master” Wokesly said from outside, and Ben slowly removed his hands from her mouth, and then, with a dark fascination in his eyes, slid the digits between her lips. She looked at him in confusion, as she tasted herself there. Her eyes widened at his wicked gesture, as he then removed his fingers from her lips, and slide them inside his own mouth, moving his tongue over them, as though receiving something precious.

He helped her to stand, and held her to him as her legs wobbled, until she regained her strength.

“I will take you back to your room” he suggested, as she swayed from the late hour, and the assault of her senses.

“No – I can manage.” She said immediately, tucking her hair back into its proper bun,  making sure her uniform hide all traces of their debauched actions. He watched her all the while, a look full of possession.

“Goodnight, milord” she said at last, and, almost afraid to meet his eyes now, turned away, her head lowered. She had taken about three steps, before he snatched her hand up, and pulled her to him, his mouth capturing hers in a blistering kiss, more demanding and full of emotion than ever before.

“You are – magnificent” he said against her lips, ending their kiss with a ragged breath, as she clung to his shoulders to recover, her heart hammering inside her chest. He pressed a kiss to her forehead, like an absolution, and then another to the crown of her head, a prayer.

“Magnificent, and mine”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cock block chewy! Oh well, plenty of time for that later))
> 
> Note on names- they are driving me crazy in this, as they sound really out of place. Anyway, sibling Phasma and Hux here.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter, building up to a plot heavy few chapters, which will set up our pretty sweet and cuddly Regency Reylo for proper darkness. 
> 
> The song that inspired me to start a dark Ben reylo regency era was Florence and the Machine - Seven Devils, and now, writing the later last scene, I've added Lana with her Gods and Monsters to catch the vibe)) horribly anachronistic, I know, but what can you do!
> 
> I live to read the comments, and hope you enjoyed this one!


	8. Chapter 8

 The next day, Rey went to breakfast late, wishing to avoid Kaydel’s curious eyes, and chat of the household. In the quiet kitchen, she spooned cold porridge into a bowl and ate standing by the fire.

“You ought to warm that, it can hardly be edible so” a new voice called to her, and she turned to see a young woman standing by the door, holding the same fashion periodicals Leia used to read.

“It’s fine, I don’t mind” Rey said, as the two women looked at each other. The other one, her tidy red hair in an elegant style, and her neat uniform foreign to Rey, approached and gave her a smile.

“I’m Victoria Smith. I’m Miss Maxwell’s lady’s maid.” She said.

“I’m Rey” Rey said after a moment, returning the lady’s warm smile. Victoria tipped her head to the side, inspecting Rey a little, her sharp gaze taking in her uniform.

“You are the late mistress’s lady maid, were you not?”

“How did you know that?”

“Just a good guess. What are you employed in now? Will you find a new lady to work for?” She asked. Rey gave her a weak shrug.

“Surely you cannot remain here without a station” Victoria pressed, as Rey turned to the mending she had once again found, and sat beneath a window, where weak light was spilling in.

“I keep myself busy”

“Indeed” Victoria mused, her kind smile a little forced as her eyes turned calculating.

“Well, if you don’t mind, might I keep you company? There is ever so much to do, for my own ladyship.”

“I could help, if you needed it” Rey offered, glad of the diversion.

“That would be very kind. If I might add a few things to your mending pile, as we sit here, that would be very helpful” Victoria said, reaching into a basket and pulling out some fine luxury materials. Rey took them, and sorted through. They were mostly under garments, of such fine lace and modern cut that Rey had seldom seen.

She set herself to working, and passed the time talk to Victoria. She remembered Miss Maxwell from her previous visits to Alderaan House, she knew immediately that she was the woman who Ben had always had an extra fondness for. The one with the tinkling laugh, pretty manners, and a way of gazing up at a gentleman with perfect grace and beauty. Rey swallowed the rough constriction of jealousy from her throat. Miss Maxwell was the one who was calling Ben to her bedchamber at night, the one he had hurried to secure a chaperon for, so as not to taint her gentle reputation. While, Rey was the one he stripped bare and pulled onto his lap in darkness and secret. Her cheeks burned hot as she worked, her mind unable to stop comparing them both. She felt ashamed of her behaviour, wanton and low, when there were women like Kira Maxwell to content with, as though she could ever be treated as her equal by Ben. They were as incomparable as the sun, and the dirt it shone on. She blinked back self-indulgent tears as she forced her mind back to Victoria’s enthused gossiping.

“Of course, when the announcement is made, half the husband hunting girls in Almacks will no doubt cry into the punch glasses, and their mothers alongside them.” She caught Rey’s confused glance.

“Why, the engagement of course, between his lordship and my mistress.”

“Between Lord Solo and Miss Maxwell?” Rey said slowly, feeling rather removed from her actions, as though the she had not moved her lips, and yet, the question was suspending in the air above her.

“Naturally, why else do you think Miss Maxwell has made this journey out to the freezing cold country side, without even a proper house party to attend. The company is so limited, the conditions abysmally harsh… I’m sorry, I do go on, but I can tell from your accent you’re not like these other servants. Were you born in the city?”

“Yes. I grew up in Niima orphanage” Rey was still reeling from the news, her eyes fixed on the fire.

“My word, from Niima to lady’s maid to Lady Leia Solo, that is quite the accomplishment. I can tell a good story lies here, I can sense these things” Victoria said. Rey pulled her attention back to her work, as she felt the sharp stab of the needle, unwatched, into her finger. She pulled it up to her mouth, and closed her lips around it.

“No great story, I’m afraid. I have merely been lucky”

“Well there is lucky and there is miraculous!” Victoria laughed, as she held up a shift, almost translucent, gossamer fabric, with lace edging. It was not a practical garment. It was made to be seen and admired, despite being underclothes. Rey dropped her eyes from the thing, feeling a pain in her chest, quite sharply, enough to draw her breath.

“When will the engagement be announced?” Rey asked.

“Soon, my mistress hopes. Her father allowed her to come here, with myself and Lady Phasma, Lord Hux and Ben himself, because he hopes to make it sooner. His lordship has not officially asked Master Maxwell, but it is only a matter of time. Between the two of them, all is quite settled.”

“Are they – terribly in love?” Rey asked, her cheeks scorching to say the words, but needing to hear the answer more than she had ever needed anything. Victoria looked to Rey.

“I have seldom seen its like.” She confessed. Rey nodded numbly

“What do you think you will do regarding your position?” Victoria asked after a while, having noted the desperately sad look in Rey’s eyes. Rey shrugged again.

“I only ask as I am already Miss Maxwell’s lady’s maid, and I can’t imagine she would need another.”

“I was a housemaid before” Rey said, staring at a drop of blood that had marred the pristine white material on her knee. It felt like the news had itself had wounded her heart, and this drop of blood was the only evidence of the torment she felt inside now.

“You cannot go from a lady’s maid to a housemaid! It would be intolerable, the reduction in station”

“I have been far worse”

“Still, if I were you, and you asked Lord Solo or the housekeeper to provide you a suitable reference, I would seek employment elsewhere, and maintain your standard of living. There are many in London who would be covetous of a Lady’s maid who had attended Lady Solo” Victoria finished with a laugh, and Rey looked to her in askance.

“I was only thinking, I myself will be able to claim the same one day soon – having attended Lady Solo, Marchioness of Alderaan. The title sounds well, does it not?”

“It does, it will suit her very well” Rey said quietly, before standing.

“You must excuse me, I should attend to something for Mrs Holdo, time has quite escaped me”

“Of course, thank you for your help. You have lightened my load dramatically. I suppose I shall see you at dinner?”

Rey barely nodded to her before making her escape. She fled along the passageway, making for the servant’s stairs, before hearing a muffled curse from above her, where the great hall and entrance to the house was. There was a loud clang, and Rey stilled, looking nervously about her. She wished to closet herself in her room and weep into her pillow, or anything else lamentably pathetic. There was no one in sight, no one else to attend to the disturbance above. The master and his guests had gone to call on a neighbouring estate, and wouldn’t be back for hours. She edged toward the hall, straining her head around the corner to make out the form of someone staggering about in the foyer.

“You girl – fetch me my horse, I will depart presently” he suddenly shouted at her, catching sight of her. She considered ducking back around the side, but the red-haired man was now staggering in her direction. HI waistcoat was untucked, and his cravat dishevelled.   
“Did you hear me? Why do you not respond? Are you mute?” he practically bellowed. Rey stepped forward, to avoid further insult.

“Ah, good. Tell the stables to prepare me a mount.”

“I will fetch a footman, my lord” Rey said, clasping her hands before her and averting her eyes as the inebriated man struck the side of a table and tottered sideways in an effort to catch his balance.

“Why? Is the footman also a stable hand? I said I need a horse – not a footman, fetch me my horse, or show me the stables and I will secure myself one presently” his last words were so slurred, it was difficult to make them out. However, the next voice, strong and low, commanding and intimidating, was clear as a bell.

“She will do no such thing. Take to your chambers Hux, and go to sleep. I will return for your sister and Miss Maxwell, and apologise for you to our hosts. I shall say you have taken suddenly ill”

“A complaint of the stomach, it seems” Hux said agreeably, letting out a loud belch. Rey stiffened, as his lumbering form continued toward her, and she struck with the fetid air of his breath.

“You may accompany me, little one, for I shall require a hand and you are really quite –“ a heavy hand appeared on Hux’s shoulder, clapping down hard enough to spin him almost around.

“Wokesly, see that our guest is attended to” Ben said crisply, his gaze on Rey, as Wokelsy appeared behind him, and took the drunken man’s arm, directing him to the stairs, leaving them alone.

Rey listened to the tick of the clock in the hall, counting down the seconds of her mortification. Her embarrassment and shame in her conduct the previous evening, especially in light of Victoria’s revelations about Ben. He was to be married, and she jobless, it seemed.

“Rey, what ails you?” Ben said quietly, as she avoided his stare as though her life were dependent on it.

“Nothing sir, if that will be all” she curtseyed to leave, and was arrested immediately by Ben’s hand wrapping about the top of her arm.

“I asked you what was wrong, and you will answer me” he commanded lowly. She held her tongue, her gaze remaining on the carpet by his feet. She attempted to pull her arm from his grasp.

“I must attend my duties”

“I wasn’t aware you had any, besides my direct edicts” he said, anger creeping into his voice.

“I find ways to be useful, my lord” she said, and bit her tongue once more. She once more attempted to free herself from his grip, and it only hardened his grip of her.

“Why are you flinching away from my touch like I am some kind of monster, and refusing to meet my eye?”

“Because I am ashamed!” she whispered harshly, shocked that the words had passed her lips, her tone so angry and full of loathing for herself, and him too.

“Look at me” Ben said suddenly, stepping closer to her. When she refused, he reached out to tip her chin up, her only defence was to close her eyes, as her face was tilted fully back. She couldn’t let him read the pain and betrayal she was sure hide there, the accusation and hurt. Who was she to tell the master he had wronged her? It wasn’t her place, but it didn’t stop the desperate upset inside her.

“You will look at me” Ben said finally, anger now scoring his words. He stepped back, but did not drop her arm, and turned to toward his study, pulling her behind him.

She did not argue, not wanting to bring attention down upon them.

He opened the door and pushed her inside, turning at once and locking it behind them. She backed away from him, going to a chair by the fire and putting it between them. She finally met his furious gaze.

He looked at the chair between them with a dark look.

“Do you think that could withhold me from you?” he asked starkly, striding over to her, as she edged around the leather bound armchair.

“What ails you, you will tell me at once or regret it. And do not say you are ashamed once more – I will not hear it” he commanded.

“You cannot forbid me from my feelings” Rey finally said, her hurt and fear pushing her to speak.

“I would not have you feel those things in the first place”

“You did not anticipate I would? Or do you think of me so little?” she said, and gasped at her own impertinence. Ben stopped in his pursuit of her at her words, seeming taken aback by the accusation.

“I think of you constantly” he said after a pause.

“Surely you know this? There is nothing to be ashamed of, in loving each other, and showing it with our bodies and hearts” he continued.

“You love me” she stated with a sceptical expression.

“Like I have never loved any other” he said immediately. Her heart warmed, even as it fell. His words were poisoned honey, she thought wearily of what Victoria had said.

Her expression was a bitter smile.

“Does Miss Maxwell know that?” she said, and Ben seemed to still suddenly, frozen a long moment, before letting out a long sigh.

“You are aware of the impending engagement”

“I am”

“Well, it is unfortunate, as I thought to tell you myself. But it is irrelevant. It changes nothing between us”

“Do not condescend to me, Ben. I might only be a maid, and even I know, it changes everything”

“It changes nothing, for I will not allow it to”

“How do you foresee my role in this household, once you are married?” she asked bluntly. He stared at her a long moment.

“In whatever capacity you wish, enough work to placate your desire to remain discreet, but not so much it interferes with your time to a great extent.”

 “What would my position be? As you pointed out, I can hardly be lady’s maid now, unless it is to your future wife” she said, bringing a stinging silence to the room. Ben drew back from her, and looked up, his face a pensive frown.

“Why would you say that? You think I would have you serving my wife?” he asked roughly.

“I cannot remain in this house without a proper position. Anyway, it would be wrong to keep a servant for your personal pleasure, when you are newly wed to a young woman who loves you” Rey said.

“What makes you think she loves me?”

“How could she not?” Rey asked, with such sincerity in her eyes that it arrested Ben’s heart a moment.

“Noblemen do not marry for love” he said gruffly, starting to pace by the fire, running a hand through his unbound hair, a gesture Rey knew well.

“Yes, but I would see you have a happier life than those men, and I am sure your mother wished the same.” He watched as he walked back and forth, his face intent and serious. She stared right back, meeting every furious look with her own.

“Very well, I will provide whatever you need to have an enjoyable, privileged life, where you need not see her.  A home that is yours, servants, a carriage, whatever you desire, you shall have.”

“And what in return?” she asked, knowing already his answer.

“In return you will be mine, and agree to always be so. For me only. We can be together however we wish” he said.

“Until you return home to your wife, and god willing… children” she said. He scowled at her.

“A loveless match only, for mutual benefit.”

“It would be a lonely life without a true partner, Ben.”

“You would be my partner”

“A partner who you sneak off to see, and can never stand beside you in public? It is a half life, and you deserve more” she said sadly.

“And what of you? What do you desire?” he asked after another full minute of pacing.

“I desire a life of meaning, and usefulness. A life with dignity and family, community and peace. I desire you to be happy, but I wish to be so, as well” she felt brazen, demanding something so selfish, so plainly.

“I could make you happy, Rey – I would dedicate myself to it” he swore, coming toward her and taking up her hand, pressing a kiss to the back.

“And what of when you grew tired of me? What would become of me then? I have seen old ladies in the mills, Ben. They do not last”

“You think so low of me, as to expect I would discard you, throw you aside like so?”

“Of course not, but life is long and strange, and people and their hearts can change. You might fall in love with Miss Maxwell after all, someone noble and beautiful, and accomplished, who can stand beside you with her head held high, someone you could come out the shadows with. And what would become of me then?”

“You doubt my heart and my loyalty. My affection and my money is not enough for you” he muttered darkly, before turning his head back to her.

“What would you take, in exchange for being mine?” he ask briskly.

 “I want to live a life to be proud of, to have dignity”

“There is no dignity in loving me?”

“There is no dignity in being your whore, no matter how prettily you put it, you would be paying for my lifestyle, in exchange for my favours. I would be dependent on your continued affection, my life balanced on your whim. I could never feel safe”

“Because you doubt my character? My ability to love?

“As much as I doubt my own or any persons”

“Why? I would not abandon you, Rey. I would be yours in return.”   
“In the morning light, I would still be a servant, and you my master. Masters are forgiven, servants are not. You know this, Ben.”

“My father conceived a bastard with his mistress.” He reminded her, tonelessly, and Rey saw the shard of deep unhappiness that pierced Ben’s eyes as he spoke.

“Would a child to love and take care of, in all comfort and safety comfort you?”

“Ben, you are not your father” she said softly, and he closed his eyes at her words, a long exhale stealing all his breath, and it seemed, all his anger away.

“I am not a possession to be taken or not, or had or handed over” Rey said quietly, that twin of herself that had awakened while reading her mother’s note stealing her voice and speaking her radical opinions.

“I am a person too” she said, drawing herself up to her fullest height and meeting his gaze with one of her own, before turning away and walking slowly to the door.

Every step she took that brought her closer, she took with baited breath. She was the accused waiting for judgement, a barrister waiting for the verdict, her case made, her points communed. Now the judge considered his sentence. For a flicker of a moment, she thought he had considered her opinion, and found it compelling. For a moment, she though she would be allowed to be free.

A warm hand dropped slowly onto the nape of her neck, wrapping around the nape, gently tugging the hair there, resting on her shoulders. It stopped her tracks. She could feel the heat of his body just behind her, as he approached until his front pressed against her back. She stared at the door before her, close and yet out of reach, caged as she was by Ben’s hand. She was frozen there, as he leaned against her, his breath on her back, tickling her ears, sending warmth and sensation rippling through her. He only touched her neck and yet, but it made her tremble. In this way, he reminded her of their connection, of her desire for him and the way he commanded her body. It was not only Ben who kept her prisoner, it was her own heart as well.

“You are mine” he said quietly, with an eerie conviction in his tone.

“And I will not be parted from you, that is something you must become accustomed to, my love.” He said, with a resignation that made her aware that their free exchange was over. She had had her turn to protest, to speak her mind plainly. Ben had decided their future, and would counter no disobedience.

It was then, in the barest whisper of dissent, a thought drifted through her, which she knew in her heart to be true, as soon as it came to her.

She had to leave Alderaan House and its master, and she had to do it soon.


	9. Chapter 9

 

 “The master is to escort his friends back to London, where he will stay for some days before returning.” Wokesly was speaking to Mrs Duncan, as Rey listened from her corner. She was turning the spit above the fire, a lowly job, but one of the kitchen staff were happy to have taken off their hands.

She wondered if Ben would speak with Miss Maxwell’s father when in town. The thought made her foolishly forlorn. This was the time she had been waiting for. She had successfully managed to avoid Ben for a further four days, or more realistically, he had known she needed time alone to sort through her emotions. She felt resigned to her decision now.

She would leave Alderaan House and go to Scotland, and pray that her mother’s belief in her old friend was founded. Whatever she found there, her absence would give Ben a real chance to love his new bride, and recover from the sudden and shocking death of his parents, with Kira Maxwell by his side. She would ask Mrs Holdo to help her pen a letter to him, explaining where she had gone and why she had left him. She could not abandon him without telling him of her intentions, her heart was too tied to his. She would offer to return, if he implored her to, if he needed her to.

For, it had been written long ago that she was his, their fates bound together. If that is what he chose, she would make the best of a life that was uncertain, but inescapable.

A little later, she left the sultry kitchen, and made her way toward the stables. This January was hard and unrelenting, and the ground remained frozen beneath her feet. She stamped off the cold as she entered the warm, hay smelling building, and looked to the end, where a familiar figure worked.

She approached, pulling out the small wedge of cheese and bread she had secreted away for the occasion, holding them out before her. The pariah had to tempt the young hero into breaking the rules, even if it was only a conversation, fear of Ben’s wrath made it so.

“Rey, can I help you with something?” Poe said warily, though he had a pleasant enough smile on his face.

“I brought you a little supper, its cold out here” she said lightly, making her way over to him, and laying the meagre offering on a ledge.

“Just the food, and nothing in return?” Poe asked, coming closer to pick up the cheese and bread.

“Well, I was hoping you would stop here a moment while you eat, and I might ask you a little advice” Rey confessed. Poe tore a hunk off the cheese and considered it, before holding it out to her.

“Very well, but I won’t eat alone. You look like that cloak is about to drown you, and I seldom see you at dinner” he said, passing her an equal share of the food. Rey smiled softly at him, genuine now.

“You are a kind man, Poe”

“No. I’m a coward, and we both know it” he said, surprising her. She stared at him, and shook her head slowly.

“No, that is not correct. To go against a master’s wishes goes against everything we have been taught, and to go against _him_ – is to lose, no matter what” Rey said glumly.

“Is that why you are here? To go against him? To test his leniency? If so, I beg you to conduct the experiment with another, for I do not have the same leeway as you do”

“No, I have not come to anger him, in fact, I hope he does not find out. I have come to ask something of you. You have travelled to some of the great cities of the north, have you not?” she asked. Poe relaxed back, nodding as his gaze drifted into the mid-distance.

“I have, Lord Solo’s business interests meant that we travelled often. Why do you ask?”

“I was wondering, if you are without a carriage, how one might make such a trip” she said, and avoided Poe’s sharpening gaze.

“There are public coaches, that run on a schedule, often found in town, printed once a year. The journey is arduous, the carriage only stops to change horses, but it is manageable”

“How long does it take?”

“A week? Depending on your destination” She caught Poe’s eye, dark and charming, so full of humour and teasing. So very different from the man who sought to possess her, full of roiling emotion and intensity, passion unrestrained.

“Are you running away, Rey?” Poe asked softly after a moment.

“Why do you ask? Would you like to accompany me?” she teased hoping to ease the terrible solemnity that had fallen over their whispered conversation.

“I might, if I truly believed you wanted me to” Poe said. She dropped that warm, honest gaze a moment, unable to let him see evidence of a truth he seemed to already know. There was only room for one man in her heart, and it was far too late to change the devil who had taken up residence there now, a dark prince demanding the kingdom of her body and mind. Whether she ran from Alderaan House or not, her heart was claimed territory.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Rey lingered in Lady’s Leia’s room, tidying away the very last of her possessions, so dear to her. They still retained her smell, and Rey ran her fingers along the soft fabrics, and fine silks. The door was slightly ajar to the hall, and she heard Ben’s heavy footsteps moving along the passageway, and instinctively pressed herself against a nearby bedpost, her hands full of his mother’s things, caught alone, for the first time in days.

“Please, my dear, do not go on so” Ben's voice snapped irritably.

“It is only an observation Ben, I do not see why you should be so upset about it”

“I care little for servant’s gossip, especially your lady’s maid who knows little about this household and its staff”

“Well, servants gossip from Alderaan can reach the drawing rooms of London far faster than any letter. At least wait until we are married, then, I will have guarantees. As it stands, I am missing many an appointment with prospective suitors who were impressed by my debut, and I will be most angry if it was all for nought, if you do not approach my father, and if you continue to lose your head over the hired help” Kira said angrily, and Rey was shocked to hear the harsh words spoken in her usually soft and girlish tones. The content of Kira's angry reprimand shocked her further, and made her feel anew that the time to leave was fast approaching, if not already overdue.

“And to think, some may be under the impression we will marry for love”

“A love match is hardly practical, and I like you well enough, as you do me. Don’t be foolish Benjamin. With your parent’s deaths, your name and reputation is under scrutiny now.”

“I don’t concern myself with those matters”

“You won’t be received in town if you are not careful. Losing your parents in such a manner is of course, terrible, but one cannot simply cease to function!”

“I care not, how many times must I repeat myself?” he asked in a bored tone.

“Well, I plan on being most respectfully situated, and will achieve it through a prudent marriage. You are hardly recommending yourself to me. I start to wonder if you are even an appropriate person to marry” she huffed, and she heard Ben’s low, mocking laugh.

“That may be the only thing of intelligence I have heard you say in the course of this entire conversation” he said.

Rey had been edging to the door, soundlessly as she could, trying to hear their soft murmurs. She wasn’t proud of it, yet everything in her was crying out for a glimpse of Ben, a word to remember him by, when the hour of her departure grew ever closer. Since she had been an abandoned child, he had been her constant, the person in the world who would notice if she died, since he had plucked her from the filthy city streets and brought her to the green heaven of Alderaan. The one who had seen her, when to all others, she had been already a ghost.

Her skirt caught on an ornament, and before she could catch it, it topped off the table behind her. It landed on the carpet with a muffled knock, and Rey pressed her hands into her sides and stood frozen with worry she had been discovered eavesdropping.

“We are leaving presently, I will see you downstairs and we can continue this heartfelt discussion in town”

There was only silence now, and Rey turned to pick up the fallen object, a hand painted fan, thankfully undamaged, and straightened to put it back, becoming unnaturally still as she observed Ben, now standing within the room, tall and immediate,  impossible to ignore.

He closed the door behind him, and leaned back against it, his eyes roving over her and then, across the room, with a bitter melancholy.  

She arranged the fan on the table, and turned back to the cases she was carefully storing Leia’s clothes in.

Ben left the door wordlessly, and walked to the window, taking up the post he had stood vigil at, the long dark hours of his mother’s illness, and subsequent death. They said nothing of the conversation she had clearly been listening to. He seemed to relax there in the window, freeing himself from the mantle she had observed we wore around others of his class. Now, alone with her, he looked more like the Ben she knew, than the cold and callous Lord Solo she had observed with his guests, his charm wielded with stunning precision, his face, a constructed mask of nonchalance. Now, he scrubbed his hand across his face, physically shedding his public visage, fatigue clear on his features.

He watched the carriage being packed below, as Rey worked quietly, starting to hum, as was her habit, under her breath. When she realised what she was doing, she stopped at once, closing the lid of the last box in which Leia Organa Solo’s personal possessions had been packed.

“Please, don’t stop. I enjoy it” Ben said quietly, now turned from the window to observe her.

“It makes me feel as if I might turn around, and see her there, amid the pillows, reading her periodicals, or at the desk, writing her correspondence, as you took care of every little thing around her. How perfect you are Rey, at creating the feeling of warmth and peace for a person.”

“It was my duty, and my pleasure to care for her.” she said, moving aside as he came to help her lift the heavy case to the floor, hefting its bulk with ease. He reached for her waist in a continuation of the movement, and spun them both so they pressed against the bed. He then leaned over her, pushing her gradually against the mattress and brushed a hand down her cheek, his hazel eyes studying hers.

“You have been avoiding me, scavenger”

“We have both been busy”

“Are you still upset with me? I hate it when we quarrel” he said quietly, frowning, and Rey saw him for an instant then, as the young man in the mill, worrying at blood dripping from a cut of an orphaned stranger, his eyes burning with goodness and indignation. She didn’t reply.

“I wish I could remake this world, to have you smile at me again” he said softly.

“What would it look like? This new place?” she humoured him.

“It would all be different – so very different, except for you and us. If I could see everything else torn asunder, I wouldn’t care, if only this existed” he said, pressing a kiss against her cheek. She watched him, raptly, her chest rising and falling with almost a painful constriction. The heat she felt inside her at his words and touches. It hurt to long for someone so. His lips drifted to her ear, and he whispered soft nothings there, the tender heat of his breath sending her flesh to rippling points. His tongue, languid and slow, slid out to trace the shape of her lobe, pulling it into his mouth to suck on it, and Rey jerked with the motion, her hands fisting her gown.

“But you cannot remake the world” she murmured, as those lips trailed down her neck, and his hands toyed with the fastenings at her neck. He stilled gradually, leaning back on his hand to inspect her.

“No. I cannot. Will you hate me for it forever?” he asked, the expression of a man who has already decided on a course of action, whose mind will not be changed, and yet, regrets the pain it might cause. There were arguments at her lips, and reprimands. Urgings to make Ben see her as a person, and not a possession, as she dearly wanted him to. He was her hero, and her perfect idol, and Rey had realised that she was passing into maturity, when this day came.

The day your idol falls, and reveals, he was only ever a man. Flesh and blood and weakness.

But she would miss him terribly, in fact, she suspected she might never stop missing him. Leaving Ben might prove to be an unrecoverable action. She had heard about a man trapped beneath a press in the nearest town and a doctor had asked him if he wanted to remove the limb, and live, or keep it and die there. He had chosen to live, and even survived the infection that had followed the amputation. He walked around, unbalanced, and now and again, he would reach out to scratch a phantom itch on his missing limb, or jump back quickly to protect it from danger, though it was now far beyond his reach.

She suspected the Ben would forever be her missing part, and yet, there was something awake, deep inside her, perhaps it had always been there, but she had never found it until now – that refused to let him sequester her in lifelong solitude and shame, without even knowing who she was and where she’d come from.

“Rey? Will you hate me? For keeping you?” he asked again, genuine worry etched into his brow, his full mouth downturned with worry and guilt.

“Would it change your mind if I said I would?” she asked quietly. He looked at her, his torment in his eyes, before shaking his head.

“I know you love me, as I do you. I know this is no ordinary bond. I know you don’t believe in me, not yet. Maybe you think I will be as my father, faithless and reckless with your regard. But I swear to you my fealty. I am not a man to love lightly or often. My heart has found its mate in yours, to deny it is to deny the tides and rule of nature. I will prove to you my allegiance, in the only way I can, every day, without fail, unrelenting.” He said, sitting up to stare at the fire as he spoke, his hands working his fingers through hers.

“I cannot remake the world for us, this is the only way to reconcile our situation. I can only hope you will not hate me too long and that one day, I will be forgiven” He said at last. He lingered a moment, as if awaiting a response, and when none came, stood stiffly, making his way to the door.

“I will miss you, while I am in town. Take care of yourself in my absence, this winter on the moors grows overlong, and its demons are hungry for life to consume.” He said, an old folk tale of the moors, and it made Rey shiver to hear the words. It was a story told to children at their nurse maid’s knee, and whispered during the long nights of darkness. It was an old and fanciful superstition, and yet, in a house full of spirits, at present, it somehow seemed possible.

“Ben – I could never hate you.” She called to him, stilling him with his hand on the handle.

“And I will always forgive you” she finished, the words more brazen and plain than she had ever uttered.

But she wanted to give him that promise, the memory of her love.

The words she said beneath them, and hid away in plain sight were more painful, the words she dared not breath aloud.

_Farewell, my love._

 

* * *

 

 

"Are you sure you wish to do this, Rey? You can change your mind and no one would know. I have a sister in the city who might be able to secure you a position, something suitable"

“No. My mind is quite made up. I must know. Leaving that letter was the last thing my mother ever did for me, and I would follow her wishes” Rey said. She gestured to the blank paper by Mrs Holdo’s hand.

“If you object to writing for me-“

“No, it’s not that, child. I just do not know what high expectations you hold for your departure from the master. I am worried that too strong a link to you, will only have you back here within the fortnight” Mrs Holdo said honestly.

“I appreciate your concern, but, I have it on good authority Lord Solo will soon be announcing an engagement. Besides, once I have discovered all I can there, I would not deny the master his wishes” Rey admitted, feeling her cheeks flame at the confession. Mrs Holdo looked at her, a disturbed expression wreathing her features.

“I – I love him, you see, so…” Rey trailed off, unprepared for such emotion and such inspection. She ducked her head, and wiped swiftly at her eyes.

“To be young and in love, I do not envy either of you” Mrs Holdo said at last. She took up her pen and looked to Rey for instruction.

"Anyway, I think you underestimate his temper. He will feel I have betrayed him" Rey said miserably. 

"Yet to stay is to betray yourself. It is a hard choice to make, but I believe you are making the right one. Let us write this letter, and bring our farewells to a close. There is no good, lingering in partings."

“May I speak to you, as I would him?”

“Your secrets are safe with me, Rey”

“Very well…” Rey took a breath, and began.

 

_Dearest Ben,_

_It is with a heavy heart I have made the decision to leave Alderaan House and all who reside there. I have long desired to know more of my parents and the circumstances leading up to my arrival at Niima orphanage. The chance to do this came unexpectedly, and I determined to follow the thread of the past, wherever it may lead._

_The choice to leave you was the one I struggled over the longest. For as long as I can remember, you have been my saviour and my shining idol. I thought only to love you from afar, and carry you within my heart, unrequited, as was proper. But circumstance and fate conspired to bring your heart toward mine. A longing that perhaps, should never have been fulfilled._

_To love one another is a virtue, but to find a way to be together by any means possible, is a smear on both our characters. I may be but young, but I know already, you are a better man than the one who proposes me a secret life, lived in the dark, and makes a mockery of the sanctity of marriage, even before it has begun._

_These opinions aside, I know you shall feel as you feel and act accordingly. I will not hide my location from you. You do not hide from the person you love. But, before any rash action I implore you to try and love your fiancée, give her the chance to know you as I do. If you do, I cannot imagine she could fail to love you as I do. You are impossible to resist._

_Yours always,_

_Rey._

 

 

“Leave it somewhere for him to find, and never admit to having penned it for me” Rey advised her, tears drying on her cheeks as she watched the housekeeper fold the letter and seal it shut.

“He will get it when he returns from town. That shall give you the better part of a week, to travel to Dunbeath” Rey stood, looking around the tidy office. Everything was taking on an air of nostalgia and importance, as she faced the reality that she would likely never see these rooms again.

“Well, I bid you thanks, Mrs Holdo, for everything you have done for me” she said, standing at the door of the room.

“No need, you were a hard worker and conscientious girl. I will think of you fondly Rey, and wish you well in your travels. Here, for the journey” Mrs Holdo said, pressing a coin purse into her hands. Rey could feel it was far more than her owed wages. She squeezed the elder woman’s hand, and gave her a tearful smile.

“I hope you find the answers you are looking for” said the housekeeper, as she watched the young woman walk away.

 

* * *

 

 

It was very early when Rey set out through the morning darkness and mist toward town. There was a coach leaving at lunchtime that would take her as far as Manchester, and then, from there, she would try and find a way to Edinburgh, and then, another change to travel beyond, into the wilds of the highlands.

She walked to town, in her best shoes, a heavy cloak over her best uniform, the others safely secured in another cloak, tied to her back. Hidden within her skirts she had the money from her wages that she had saved, and Mrs Holdo’s gifts.

The road was half frozen clods of mud that made walking treacherous, and she went carefully, lest she turn her ankle, her adventure paused before it had begun. She was determined to think of it as such, and ignore the desperate twisting of her heart that felt sick at the thought of leaving Ben. He would get her letter, he would understand her heart, she reminded herself constantly.

In town, she bought her ticket and went to wait near the inn where the coach would depart. She was early, but wished to leave nothing to chance. She had a long wait, and was only setting into it, hands thrust inside her pockets for warmth, huddled on a bench by the side door of the inn, when it burst open, and a rough, shouting voice filled the air. As Rey turned to look, a cold splash of water hit her face as a woman was roughly shoved out the inn door, and fell into a puddle of melted ice on the street. Rey watched in alarm as she argued with a man, he of the loud voice, who was cursing at her, and kicking her reaching hands away, before going back inside the building and kicking the door shut.

The woman’s lips trembled, a moment, before firming, as she turned a defensive glare to Rey. Rey was taken aback by her feral look, her lip curling, her eyes flashing.

“What? You got something to say?” the girl called to her, and Rey shook her head slowly, before changing her mind.

“You shouldn’t let him to speak to you like that” she said quietly. The girl let out a mocking laugh.

“He’s my father, he’ll speak to me however he wishes, and I’ll have no say in the matter” The woman pulled herself up and shivered, cursing her sodden clothes, mere threadbare layers, as Rey had worn herself. She was struck then, by how the woman resembled her, though her hair was lank, it was the same colour and length, and she herself was the same height, though thin to the point of emanciation. Rey suddenly saw herself, if she had managed to survive to her current age, without Ben’s intervention. This woman was the ghost of what might have been.

“Here, I have an extra cloak” she found herself saying, though it wasn’t advisable to give it away at the start of her journey, when she knew not what might await her in Scotland. The woman looked at her distrustfully.

“Why would you give it to me, then? Don’t you need it?” the woman asked. Rey shook her head.

“I do not require two, besides, it was given to me from my employer, and I no longer work there, so I might as well give it to you, who needs it.”

“You worked at the big house?”

“Yes, for many years” the woman snorted, as she pulled on the heavy cloak and shuddered slightly.

“Alright for some. I went up there three or four times when I heard they was looking for staff, always turned away. The housekeeper there thinks mighty highly of herself” the woman snorted, as she sat beside Rey on the bed before the inn.

“I’m Rey”

“Bess” she said in way of return.

“So, Bess, you were looking for work?” Rey continued, feeling as though she should help this girl, if she was able.

“Always am. Though there’s nothing decent ever comes up” the woman said. Rey bit her lip, considering. She fingered her pack and her spare uniform inside. She had an idea, but one that would cost her, but just might work.

“I was lady’s maid to Lady Leia Solo and I am good friends with Mrs Holdo, the housekeeper. If I recommended you, you have a good chance of being given a position of some kind”

“And why would you do that?”

“Does someone need a reason to be kind?”

“A stranger? Yes” Bess said. Rey thought of how to answer.

“Very well, because a stranger’s kindness could change a life, as it did mine once. And if all strangers were kinder to each other, the world would be more pleasant a place” she said.

“There’s not many who think like that” Bess muttered after a strained silence.

“But, I’ll go along with you, I guess, nothing to lose if I do. But how will you recommend me? Will we go along to the house together?” Bess asked.

“I don’t think I have time for that, but I have another idea, if you’ll trust me. You'll need to find a place to wash yourself. Mrs Holdo doesn't take kindly to a slovenly appearance.”

 

An hour later, Rey got onto the coach to Manchester, her pack lighter by one uniform, and the extra cloak. She thought if Bess showed up asking for Mrs Holdo, mentioning Rey by name and wearing her personal lady’s maid uniform, then maybe the housekeeper would be more inclined to give her an opportunity. She had paid forward the kindness that Ben had done her, as well as she could.

The coach finished filling, and they slowly rumbled out the courtyard and onto the road, and Rey pressed her face to the window to see the town passing by, as the countryside heading north opened around them, and everything she knew, fell far behind.

 

 .

.

.

.

.

.

 

 

Ben entered Alderaan House in a mercurial mood. His visit to London had been dreary and dismal. He had argued quite terribly with Kira, who longed for an escort to every party, supper or even card game in Mayfair, and wanted him to use his title to gain them an invitation. He hadn’t spoken to her father, and was in fact, rethinking the entire thing, having found her in an alcove in a dance with a young officer who looked dashing in his regimentals.

When he had asked her about it, she had levelled a look at him and called him unsophisticated to expect her to dance only with him. It had chilled him, the look in her eyes. Moreover, he had wondered if that was the look that Rey saw, when they had discussed his wedding plans. He had no real affection for Kira, but he could imagine that if he had, it would be devastating.

He had started the journey home the next day, cancelling an arrangement to accompany Kira to a luncheon, which she had been furious about. Ben was confident she would already have replaced him with another of her many overly keen suitors.

There was only one person to whom he was not imminently replaceable, and she awaited him at Alderaan House. He wasted no time in returning there.

He strode into the hall with a renewed vigour, his ill temper fading away as the anticipation of seeing Rey, grew stronger.

“Wokesly, fetch Miss Niima to the study, please, and have dinner served for eight, mother always did have roast on a Sunday, didn’t she?”

“Yes sire, unfailingly”

“Very well, be sure the rest is eaten. We are only two to dine on it”

“I will inform Mrs Duncan.”

“Very good”  

 

He eased his boot laces, and cravat, and stood by the fire, trying to shake the ice from his bones. He ran a finger over the spines of the books in his library, well loved and cared for, his first passion, and the one that his father had despised the most. Lord Han had been of the opinion that a gentleman has no need to read another other than the newspapers, and perhaps something related to running the estate, though he had mostly employed men to take care of that for him. Ben was interested in serving the tenants who had been living and  farming on the Alderaan estate for decades. He already knew many of them by sight, having accompanied his father of his visits. But, as to philosophy and art, history and geography, his father’d had no patience.

He thought now, without his disapproval and his mother pushing him to marry, he could indulge his love of study and closet himself in Alderaan House, perfectly and happily secluded from the world. Perhaps he could be an eccentric old hermit, a perpetual bachelor, as his uncle was.

Never marrying, dedicating himself to higher pursuits, and shunning society. The only thing that would pain him, would be the lack of an heir, though, in that regard, he had no drive to continue his family title. It was meaningless, and had only been a heavy burden on his mother and father. The estate would pass to distant family, no doubt thrilled by their good luck, and bound by the same responsibilities as he, to the tenants and staff. 

There could be children with Rey, ones cared for by their mother, and not passed to nannies and governesses. Ones who felt loved, in every way, by both their parents. What a scandal that would be, the hermit lord of Alderaan and his strange household. He could entail them each an inheritance, so they were provided for.

He thought how well it would feel, to sit beside the fire and read alongside Rey, their children playing by the hearth. He almost grinned at his sentimentality, thinking how Rey would admonish him for his contrary ideas and lack of conventionality. 

First, there was something to be remedied there, he reminded himself. He went to his desk and wrote a missive to the local minister, asking for advice on engaging a tutor, someone who could come to the house to teach reading and writing, for an older student.

 A soft knock sounded as he folded and sealed the letter. Wokesly came in, a hint of pink about his cheeks, as though he had been outside in the cold.

“See that this is posted, would you, Charles?” he said, handing over the letter.

“Of course, sire.” He said, taking the letter, but remaining there. Ben suddenly remembered himself.

“I apologise, what did you need?” he said, amusing himself at how his eagerness to see Rey had quite absorbed his thoughts.

“Well, sire, I do not know how to put this, but I cannot seem to locate Miss Niima, and I have asked the other staff I encountered, and they haven’t seen her, for several days, when they thought about it” Wokesly said, his toned muted.

Ben simply stared at him, unable to comprehend his words.

“What are you saying?” he said stupidly.

“Miss Niima, she appears to have gone” Wokesly clarified.

 

* * *

 

 

Ben urged his horse over the cobbles of town, frozen to the bone and numb with worry and fatigue. He had already organised a search of the house, stables, and land about the estate. He had ridden the road to town, and seen nothing. Now, he thought to engage a larger party, with the aid of the local constabulary.

A mere half and hour later, he found himself grinding his teeth and fighting to keep a civil look on his face, as a local policeman scratched his head.

“She’s probably just run off, my lord”

“Not this girl, she was very dedicated to her position”

“Maybe with a young man? Tempted away?” he offered, as Ben glowered at him.

“Impossible” he bit out. They two men stared at each other, as the police man tapped his chin and thought, with obvious difficulty, Ben thought critically.

“Brown hair, you say, and yay tall. And a servant of the big house. Wait a minute…’ he suddenly exclaimed, standing, and leaving through the door to stop at another desk. Two men conferred a moment, and the man finally returned, just when Ben had been about to stand and leave, unable to bare waiting one more moment to resume the search.

“I just thought to myself, that sounds like my colleague’s case, and I was right!” he said, returning to the seat behind the desk.

“There was a you lady of that description, brown hair, shoulder length, same height, and wearing a uniform from Alderaan House, a nice one, special like.”

“A lady’s maid uniform” Ben said quietly, feeling a fit of fear blossom in his chest.

“Yes, perhaps, something not of the usual that come to do the bartering in town at the market. Pretty lass, well, might have been, if we could have distinguished her features clearer.”

“Where is she?” Ben interrupted, that seed of fear growing into a yawning chasm.

“Well, she was found down by the river, off the road to the estate, must have been going down to the water’s edge for something. But it’s slippery as a devil just now. Must have fallen on the rocks.” The policeman said, and Ben could only stare at him a long moment, the words echoing inside the sudden cavern of his chest.

“She is in doctor's care?” he said.

“No sire, poor wee lamb. Split her head right in half, it seems, and dashed the contents on the rocks” Ben pushed his chair back abruptly at the words, nausea battling up his throat. The policeman rose also, seemingly alarmed at Lord Solo’s sudden movement.

“When?”

“Almost a week ago she fell I reckon, but we only found her two days ago” the policeman said. It couldn’t be true, he thought to himself. There must be some kind of mistake. If Rey was gone, he would know, he would feel it. The world would be darker, fundamentally changed. He would know that part of his heart had died. 

“I must see her” Ben finally said, the words working past his constricted throat.

“Well, seeing as she was damaged somewhat, we already saw her to the ground. Doesn’t do to keep their souls from rest. Her face was badly frozen sire, and then picked at by the bird and suchlike…”

“Stop- I beg you” Ben muttered, his hand going to the chair back to grip on for dear life. It felt as though the press of his fingers on the smooth wood was all that was anchoring him together, holding his mind and body together, when they were threatening to pull apart.

“Lord Solo? Are you well?” Ben heard the voice from a far, as though it were moving further and further from him, or he was falling from a great distance, leaving the concerned looking policeman at the top, peering down after him. And yet, there was nothing to see.

He was swallowed by the darkness.

He didn’t remember returning from town. When he made it back to the door, his clothes were soaked through, and hands almost blue with the cold. Night had fallen, despite the many hours that had passed while he had been on the road. He had no memory of that time. His mind was empty.

“Master Ben!” Mrs Holdo exclaimed as he staggered in. Wokesly appeared swiftly, and with the help of footmen, they managed to bring him to his room. He was pale and shaking, when his oldest servants, and his father’s friend, stripped him of his soaked clothes, telling him in between shudders, the news from town.

“What was she doing there? Have you asked the staff? Did anyone know anything?” he asked. Wokesly shook his head.

“I have questioned them all thoroughly, and no one saw her leave, and she made no mention of it to anyone”

Mrs Holdo brought hot tea, and smoothed the covers of his bed over his chest as she had when he was a child. Her eyes held tears, as she looked down at him.

“I am sorry for the loss of Rey. She was a lovely girl, and she did so love Alderaan House”

“Did she say anything to you? Anything at all, that would make you think she planned to leave? Visit town for some reason?” he asked, finding his grief had become a physical pain, in his chest and limbs, all his muscles in agony and ache. Ache for her, one that would never be eased.

The housekeeper looked down at him a long time, before shaking her head sadly.

“No sire, nothing. I am sure it was only a trip into town for something trivial, and perhaps, she wandered the wrong way back, it has been dark so early these nights” she said.

"She was angry with me, I had upset her, disappointed her. It is my fault" Ben stated with a sudden clarity. 

"No, sire, she would surely never blame you. She loved you so" Mrs Holdo said, unable to stop a tear from falling down her cheek, followed by another. The death of Rey, sudden and shocking, and now, the fading of her lord. There had been so much death and sadness, it was enough to break all their hearts. 

“The spirits of the moors chased her to the river, they desired her life light, so much brighter than any others” he mumbled, as he fell into an exhausted dream, leaving Wokesly and Holdo to share concerned glances.

They stepped quietly from the room, and closed the door behind them. In the silence of the hall, a house once more in mourning, a tear slipped from Amylin’s eye, as she grieved the young woman who had finally dared to explore her past, and seek out her own life, and lost it all on the cold hard moors.

“We are right not to tell him, let him grieve her, never knowing she meant to leave him. It would only hurt him more. And I am afraid there is not more hurt that he could bare, on this night, only a pair of months after burying his parents.” Wokesly said, as Mrs Holdo’s fingers crinkled around the letter in her pocket.

Rey’s last secrets, were hers to keep, and she would guard them safely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... that was depressing.. worry not, of course Rey is alive and well and on her new adventure. The Ben Solo pain train is chugging along. 
> 
> I promise not to drag out the separation and sadness longer than necessary, and get onto the good stuff... the reunion and all that steamy, dub-con, bodice ripper goodness featuring possessive/obsessive Ben, and feisty more liberated Rey we are all waiting for ))
> 
> Thank you so much for all the comments! I've read them multiple times, and it always helps me refine where i am going with the story. Your insight, as always is incredible. And welcome new readers, join us for this tale of the darkness and light.
> 
> Also no beta and fast updating can lead to mistakes! Apologies in advance x


	10. Chapter 10

Rey stepped from the carriage that had transported her the last leg of her journey. The knots in her legs and back cramping sharply from ill positioning and the journey’s rough tread.

It was late afternoon, and the village of Dunbeath was laid out, pretty as a frost covered landscape painting. Wisps of smoke rose from small stone cottages, and there was candle light shining from many a small, cut window. She left the coach, and walked on unsteady legs toward the centre of town. There was a church there, and alongside an inn and tavern. The rough shod wooden door of the inn opened at her touch, and she entered the low roofed structure.

A man sat behind a desk, scribbling away at a ledger of some kind. She approached, clutching her bundle of remaining clothes to her chest.

“Excuse me Sir, I am new to these parts, and I was hoping you might be able to help me” she said. The man flickered a glance over her and raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t get many of your kind in these parts” he remarked, his strong accent difficult to fathom.

“Female?” she asked.

“English. Go on then, ask your question lassie” he instructed, and Rey struggled on.

“I am in search of woman, her name is Mazarine Kanata, of Takodana”

“I should have known you’d be here, looking for Maz, with that accent. Maz bids up the dun” he said, closing his ledger book with a sigh, as Rey lingered on, trying desperately to make sense of the directions.

“The caisteal, up on the crag” he clarified again.

“The big house” he said again, and nodded as he saw relief wash over Rey’s face at finally understanding.

“Watch your step mind, it’ll be dark in a blink, and the road runs along the cliffs” he warned her, as she thanked him, and rushed back out into the fading afternoon light.

Merely looking around the village was enough to orientate herself toward the cliffs, and she set off up the track that led in that direction.

As she walked, smelling salt in the air, and hearing the crash of waves for the very first time, gulls crying overhead, she felt almost as though she had left her world, and come to another. It was so different, even the cold felt deeper, driving into her bones with more purpose. In the low light, a magnificent building came into view, it truly was a castle, perched on the rocks, with a wild sea thrashing hungrily below.

She walked steadily onwards, keeping into the side of the cliff, where the road had been cut in, when the wind threatened to knock her straight off.

Finally, her feet meet the crunching gravel of the drive proper, and she walked toward the house, wondering which door she should present herself at. She had no idea who Mazarine Kanata was here, how she might be received, or even, if she still resided in the castle.

She decided on the servant’s entrance, and trudged her way around, her cloak blowing in the wind, sending a chill up her skirts. She was practically shivering by the time she arrived at the door, and knocked. The roar of the sea seemed to drown out any noises, and so, she knocked again harder still, and then wrapped her arms around her waist.

Just when she feared she might be leaving, without ever knowing, the door opened, a warm spill of light illuminating her, as she stood half frozen on the threshold.

“Why! My dear child, come in, come in.” a warm voice cried, and Rey was being pulled into a stiflingly hot kitchen by a study pair of arms, a round face smiling kindly down at her.

“Why, the only person who uses that entrance anymore is young Bobby, bringing the flour and coal and such in.” the woman said, bustling around Rey. She found herself sitting by the fire, her cloak removed and her hands around a warm cup before she quite knew what was happening. She watched the woman fussing over her. Tall, with a large head, round as could be atop thin shoulders, she had a natural stoop to her figure that made her seem shorter. She was wearing an apron, that had floury hand prints on it, and her white hair was tidied away behind a kerchief, atop her head.

“Bobby! Come in here and see to our guest” she called, and before she had stopped speaking, a small boy, barely 7 years old skidded into the room, dark red hair, and a pixie face, his head small and sleek, like a little fox. He snuck closer, and smiled at her shyly.

“Nice to meet you, Bobby” Rey managed, a little bewildered by her unquestioned admittance.

“Do her some toast, there’s a lad” the woman said, before turning her full attention to Rey.

“Now, what’s your name and how did you come to be seeking someone in the caisteal this time in the afternoon?”

“I’m Rey Niima, and it sound strange to explain, but I am looking for someone, my mother sent me to find her, and gave me this address. Her name is Mazarine Kanata.” Rey said, and offered the helpful woman a soft smile.

“I don’t suppose that would be you, would it?” The woman let out a hearty laugh, and shook her head.

“Me? Being Maz? She’ll like that one. I am Artemisia, I’m the cook, housekeeping and everything else around here. This here is Bobby, he’s the stable hand, gardener and everything I am not”

“And Maz?”

“She’s the lady of this fine castle, Lady Mazarine Kanata, Duchess of Takodana. A very fine sort she was too, before she come up here to Scotland and we corrupted her with our heathen ways.” The cook chortled.

“Erm, Artemisia-”

“Just Arte for short” the woman instructed her.

“Arte, then. You mean she is a noblewoman?”

“I suppose, though you’d hardly know it to look at her. I jest, she is the Lady of this house, wife to a great man, and sadly a widow, these ten years at least.” Arte said, as Bobby stuck his fingers into the fire to snatch up a piece of toast that had fallen in.

The cook stood, taking the thick cut slices of bread to a table, where she slathered them in butter and jam, before returning and handing one to Rey, and taking another for herself. She bit into it enthusiastically.

“She’s from down south, I know that much. Perhaps she met your mother there?”

 

“I did indeed, and why wasn’t I informed of an arrival immediately?” A stately voice spoke from the corner, and Rey jumped to her feet anxiously. She turned to see a diminutive figure approaching the fire. She was older than Rey had expected, her face pinched and wrinkled, but perhaps it was the harsh environment that had caused it. Her keen eyes met Rey’s and she gasped, her eyes fixed to Rey’s as though she had seen a ghost.

“You must be her – Reyna. You mother told me you might visit one day, but I had no way to contact you, and all I could do was hope” she said, and something in Rey seemed to break.

A relief so intense that it burned. She felt tears gathering in her eyes, as the kind little lady, a Duchess no less, took her chapped hands in her owns and pressed them against her heart.

“I welcome you here, Reyna, daughter of Mara, my dearest friend. You are welcome, always.” She said softly, her expression full of compassion as she took in the young woman who was the mirror of her mother.

“You know my mother?”  
“I knew her, my dear child, for she has long ago passed. She would never have been parted from you for so long, if not by death” Her words punctured a hole in Rey’s heart. She had known of course, always suspected, but still, without a conclusive answer, there have been the hope. Now, that too was gone.

She started to cry in earnest and wondered how she could be here, with these strangers, and suddenly lose the ability to function, lose her sense of propriety.

“Poor girl, you’ve had a terrible shock” Arte said, as she wrapped Rey in a strangely comforting floury embrace.

“Yes, we must go straight to bed, recover your body from the long journey, and a good rest and time will aid your heart’s recovery. I am sure you have many questions, a great many and I shall answer them all” Lady Kanata was saying as the two servants and the mistress herself bundled Rey along stone corridors and up steps, until reaching a room that was lavishly appointed, with a fire burning in the hearth. She stopped to protest, and was firmly shushed.

“This is my son’s room and I know, highly inappropriate for you to sleep in, but he is far from home this eve, and will not return. The other rooms are too cold and damp to sleep in comfortably” Lady Kanata said in a tone that brooked no disagreement.

“Do you require something to sleep in? Bobby, fetch my mending” Arte barked at the young boy, who ran from the room with great haste. Rey found her boots unlaced, as well as her gown in no time. She was overwhelmed by the events of the past week, and when Lady Kanata touched her hand to her hair, after she had changed into a shift that Arte had fished from the mending pile, she leaned into the touch.

“Rest now, Reyna – you are at journey’s end.” She said softly. After they had left her, Rey slipped into the warmed sheets of the most comfortable bed she had ever lain on, and closed her eyes, pulling the heavy covers over her, feeling almost as though she had fallen into some kind of dream. Thoughts of her mother dropping away into a deep, dark place inside. The salve of finally knowing the truth, soothing the burn of the loss. She drifted off to sleep almost at once, Lady Kanata’s kind, steady words burning inside her.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The first week of her life at Dunbeath castle continued the dream-like feeling of her first night.

The castle itself was beautiful and ancient, she could feel the spirits of those that had dwelt there in the stone, their loves and losses. Maz had told her that was just Scotland.

“The Scots have a respect for the wee folk and the ways of old, that we have forgotten in London.” She chuckled, as they both watched young Bobby walk twice the distance to the woodshed and back, to avoid a little circle of snowdrops that had sprung up, pushing through the frost.

“It’s a fairy circle and its bad luck to disturb the ground chosen by the wee folk to bless” Maz said fondly. She had been instructed to call the older woman Maz, though doing so still made Rey blush. She was a Duchess, the highest ranking woman Rey had ever met, and yet, she wore thrice mended frocks and homespun, wrapped large wool scarves around her tiny shoulders, and got her hands into everything in the house, from carrying firewood to baking and mending.

The house itself was strange. There were no other staff, apart from Artemisia, young Bobby and another servant, who had accompanied Maz’s son to Inverness on business. Rey couldn’t comprehend a household so without formality. They seemed to be equal in a way Rey had never witnessed. Arte spoke her mind to the mistress, whenever she felt like doing so, and the mistress certainly consulted her whenever she wanted to, on a whole range of improper subjects. When she had mentioned that she wasn’t accustomed to the informality of the house, Maz had only laughed, taking no offence.

“I keep little company, Duchess or not, and my life has changed little from the days when my husband was alive. Takodana is a tiny estate, though it is wealthy enough, but there are few who wish to visit us here – at the tip of the world, well beyond the more civilised reaches, and that is just the way I prefer it” she had said.

“I am old now, and many of my family, I only wish to visit with by letter. It suited us, being alone here without the bother of society” Maz said, and Rey nodded, thinking of how she might had lived more freely away from the eyes of a busy household like Alderaan House.

“Now, I am more alone, without my dearly departed husband, and I am so very happy you have come, my child. I do not yet know your plans or obligations down south, but I very much wish you to stay”

“Stay… I would love to stay awhile. How long would you like?” Rey asked, her mind and heart winging across the hundreds of miles between them, to Ben, never far from her thoughts.

“Stay forever, dearest. Make this your home now, if you should like” Maz had said, and Rey had laughed at her enthusiasm, sure that she must be joking.

“But what would my position be? I must be helpful” she said at last, as Maz continued to insist.

“Well, a companion, as my eyesight fails and my hand grows weak to write those who I must keep up with, would be a great help” Maz said, and Rey stared at her, her hopes falling, her disappointment showing on her face. Maz watched her keenly.

“Oh, it’s like that is it? Mara would be most upset. Well, we will start there. You will attend class with Bobby and myself, five times a week, in the study” Maz said.

 

* * *

 

 

In the first months of living on the Takodana estate, Rey tried hard to stop herself of thinking about Ben. To think of him was to fall into longing, intense and heart-breaking.

There had been no word from him, neither a release of goodbye, nor a missive to return. It was if he had forgotten her altogether. The silence deafened her with its implications.

Instead she helped in the kitchen, learning to cook and finding she had quite the talent for it. She washed and mended clothes, and chopped wood, set fires and slept soundly in the deep darkness of the highland wilderness.

She listened to Bobby stutter out his reading practice every morning, and was proud of his swift progress, almost jealous of his young and able mind. It took her far longer to progress, but finally, she started to gain confidence. She painstakingly copied out letters and poems and stories, practicing her penmanship for hours at a time, until her fingers cramped. Maz a diligent but gentle teacher and Rey felt her guidance in more ways than just her studies.

They talked of her mother, for hours and hours, and though Maz’s experience, and her memories, Rey began to feel as though she had known a little of the woman who had borne her. Maz was patient with Rey, telling her time and again all the smallest details of Mara’s life.

“Her name was Mara Ridley, she was born to both parents, in the South of the London, an area called Jakku. Her father was in trade and her mother, a seamstress, if I recall correctly.”

 She told her how Mara’s parents had had little, but they had worked hard, and Mara was able to attend a position to a clerk at the local church, where she learned to read and to write.

 “This proved to be a great blessing for both me and Mara, as she was taken on as a governess, at the age of 17, by a great family in Mayfair – my family, the Kanatas, to their youngest child, my second sister. She was spoiled rotten and Mara could hardly stand her, and in this shared opinion, we became great friends.” Maz said, with a twinkle in her eye.

“And my father, do you know who he was?” Rey asked one day, as they walked the road to the village, and she cast stones down into the tumbling surf.

“Yes, I knew him well. His name was Benjamin Kenobi” Maz said, and Rey jolted in her tracks, turning wide eyes to her.

“You know of the man?”

“No – No, I’ve never heard of him, it’s only the name is common, I suppose” she said, recovering quickly.

“Benjamin, perhaps, but Kenobi – not at all. You see, he was the only son of a truly distinguished title. The Dukedom of Tatooine, was his to inherit. He was of a similar age to me, and we were often at the same gatherings, frequented the same balls and socialised with the same set. He came to the house for a party, and somewhere, in all that hustle and bustle, he met your mother. Your mother told me that when they locked eyes, there was an instant bond, a magic to the very air”

“What happened?” Rey asked as they walked on.

“I confess, I was hopelessly romantic then, and headstrong as any man. I decided to aid them in their affections, and under my careful concealment, they fell in love”

“He was on leave from his commission in the Navy, and in only two short months, your parents were to be parted. They made plans for when he would return. Your mother was untitled, and to be plain, not a good match for him. However, he was determined to have her, and his mind was quite decided, that he would go to his parents upon his return and tell them so.”

Maz glanced to Rey, seeing a stillness over her features, a mournful cast.

“He had courage, your father” Maz said gently, as she saw Rey’s hand clenching and unclenching by her side.

“They were from different worlds, and he sought to breech the two, and make them meet.”

“It would have been scandalous… it would be impossible” 

“Nothing is impossible, it is only a question of what you are willing to give up, child” Maz said, wisely, and Rey felt the words sink like stones in her heart.

“Anyway, not long after he had gone, your mother fell ill. She was with child. My parents, despite my arguments, cast her out. I supported her as best I could, but I was unmarried, and had no real means of my own. She wrote to Ben, and told him of the child, sent the letter with my help to his first port of call. If he had received it, I am sure he would have found a way to return.” Maz said, her voice sad now, full of the past, and faces of people Rey would never meet.

“A month passed this way and then two. News came that his ship had sunk, shot down, three days out of port”

Rey walked on, the words flowing around her, aware that Maz was looking at her with worry.

“I did not know him, it is alright, I am well. Please, continue” She urged.

“At the time, my parents were devising a plan I knew little off. They were to have me married, to some Duke, high in the hills of Scotland, and shuffled off where I couldn’t make more trouble. It all happened very quickly in the end. I was sent to Scotland, and barely had time to give Mara the money I’d saved. I cried three whole weeks when I arrived here, worried about her, alone and pregnant in London”

“And your husband?”

“I had met him before, at my coming out. He had been the quiet one that I had noticed immediately, with the watchful eyes and a slow smile. I don’t know what he saw in me, I doubt I made a good impression. When I failed to calm after leaving my parents, he finally shook off that quiet to ask me what ailed me, and I told him all, too young and distraught to conceal anything. He walked from the room and I remember being afraid of what I had done. Then he returned, carrying a paper and quill, and bid me to describe Mara, and where she might be found, and he would dispatch a missive to his London lawyer, and have her searched for. He told me he could send her money, or bring her to Dunbeath, whatever I may choose. I think I fell in love with him then” Maz sighed.

“I am glad he was a kind man” Rey said, truly grateful the fascinating woman beside her had been so lucky.

“And I, or else I might have killed him. Instead, I loved him till the end, and will continue to do so, until my own end”

“Did he find her?”

“He did, but it was too late… She had been to the Kenobi’s and confessed all. They turned her away and called her a liar, too caught in their own grief to listen. Without a job to earn, and little money to live on, she was put out when the rent I’d given her ran dry. She had too little money to reach Dunbeath, and no idea if my husband would be friendly toward her.

She had you in the church hospital and afterward, when the charity of the church ended, and she faced being homeless with an infant, she knew she had little choice. She believed if only she could work hard for a few weeks, she would be able to gather the money she needed to transport you both to Dunbeath, where she believed that I would find a way to help. We were as sisters. Her own parents had departed, only the year before, so she was quite alone.” 

“When the lawyer located Mara, she was dying in a hospice of consumption. You had been at Niima but one year. She told all to the man who found her, and stayed by her side, another two days, and she was finished. It is a break my heart has never recovered from. I thought to find you at Niima, the lawyer went to enquire, but the mistress there kept lax records. I found soon I was pregnant with my own son, and I confess, I stopped trying. To my shame” Maz said, the sadness in her voice reaching inside Rey, and twining around her own.

“But now, you are come” Maz finally said, reaching a hand out, and wrapping her bony fingers around Rey’s, tugging her closer to her as they walked.

“And I have a chance to make it up to Mara, for failing her, for taking so long to find her. For meddling in the situation between her and Ben Kenobi at all. I was young and foolish and thought love could overcome all.”

“You don’t think that anymore?”

“No, sweet child, now, I know it to be false. There are circumstances that make love feel like a cruel trick, a petty revenge of fate, suffering that would make one hate the love that had brought them there. Your mother felt this way, before she died. Except for you  - Reyna Mara Kenobi… you were the only thing, the lawyer relayed, that made her smile, through the whole sorry tale.” Maz finished, wiping tears from her withered cheeks.

“I will do right by you, daughter of Mara. This I do vow” Maz said, squeezing Rey’s hand, as she moved on down the road, and Rey followed in her wake.

 

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Benjamin Solo, Marquess of Alderaan looked down at the food left on a plate on his desk. It was congealed and cold. He wondered when it had been placed there. In fact, there had been a great many plates of late, cold and tasteless when he had finally seen them.

He cared not for eating, food was ash in his mouth, and reached for his brandy bottle instead. As he knocked back the amber liquid, he raised the bottle in a toast to the portrait over the fire, his father staring down at him.

“To you, papa. You have had your revenge after all” he said, swilling back yet more of the sweet nectar that took him from consciousness and pain. The dull, heavy sensation of alcohol dragging through his veins was a comfort.

“Why did you have to choose her? It should’ve have been me – I was the villain, and she was the maiden fair.” He muttered, low and incomprehensible things.

The last weeks were a blur, drinking and talking to ghosts and shadows. He had walked the halls of his prison, emptiness carving out his chest. He forgot his heart beat, he forgot he must breath to live. He thought endlessly of Rey, alone and afraid, by the river, slipping and falling. He worried over how long it took a person to die like that. He had summoned a doctor to ask him. He wondered if she had thought about him, in the end. He wondered if she had blamed him. He was her protector, her saviour, as she had called him more than once. He had failed her after all.

The fire crackled, and he wondered who it was that was keeping it alight? He then remembered Rey, sooty and young, just a child, scampering about his room, and pulling the curtains back, and settling before the fire with skill. She had been a thing of light and warmth, and she had died alone in the cold dark.

 

He kept dreaming that she was calling for him, out on the moors her voice added to the winds, another unrestful spirit lingering there, lost and forsaken for all time. He had failed her in her life, and now, he failed her in death. He heard her voice at the window, tossed on that ghostly wind, she cried for him deep in the night.

Wokesly had found him several times, underdressed, wandering the moor, following those whispers. Once it had been Dameron the coachman. The young man had helped him back to the house angrily, and when Ben had sneered at him, the man had shouted back, surprising him from his stupor a moment.

“You are the reason she died, she was running away from you, because you had made her life unbearable. Her blood is on your hands”

The words would not leave his head, they wound around his heart too, pulling tighter and tighter, until it hurt to breath. He squeezed his skull, gnashing his teeth, imploring it to stop. His father mocked him, and his mother damned him and Rey’s blood stained his hands, as he thought that all they each had in common was him, being loved by him, his affection a curse on any it should fall upon.

He argued with them, implored them to stop. He called out to their spirits, fancying that he could see them, haunting the halls. He tried to make Rey’s ghost come inside where it was warm, but she never did, preferring the frosty moors to being near him.

He could understand her, but he pleaded nonetheless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello gentle readers,
> 
> Thank you all so much for the lovely comments, I hope you enjoy finding out about Rey's mysterious background... I have diverged from canon, and made her a Kenobi, because I like the idea - for this fic, also I like the parallels to Rey's own situation, and it gives her food for thought. 
> 
> Anyway... you all guessed it! Rey is a nobleman's daughter.
> 
> However, before we celebrate, Rey was illegitimate and at that time, without anyone to back up the story, it is impossible to prove. ALSO - just to be extra rubbish, female children didn't really inherit... without heirs it would go to the next male relative so... No Lady Kenobi coming up (( I'd really love it... but cannot bend the rules so far.
> 
> The servants... couldn't leave the droids out... their names are a bit of a stretch, I tried my best with R2 and BB8, and then gave up with C3P0))
> 
> Dunbeath castle - a real and very beautiful place if you want to see it!
> 
> Let me know what you are thinking! Your feedback is my writing fuel.  
> Also no beta - forgive me


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> I know I'm updating super quickly, but this whole part is pretty dark (Ben's part, anyway) and I just want to get it over with! It all feels like one long chapter, so I am just posting it all up to a certain point... 
> 
> Warning for some pretty grim content, and suicidal thoughts/actions, kind of not really... but just in case!
> 
> I will post the next one almost immediately, so no cliffhanger really.

When Spring came to Dunbeath it did so slowly, in tiny buds of snowdrops and hardy violet crocuses, pushing through the winter hardened soil. It came in the lightened nights and the sweet chorus of birds at her window early in the day. Ushered in by the rushing of thawing brooks and bleating of lambs.

Rey was reading in the library. A room which had always frightened her, now it came alive, as she might manage to sound out the title of many of the tomes that lined the walls, looking for once at both the illustrations and their captions. A whole world was opened up to her by being able to read. Rey would be forever grateful to Maz for providing her education. She thought briefly of how Ben had wanted to help her learn and she had brushed it aside. It was only now that she understood what she had been denying, that she appreciated the tender thoughtfulness of his intent.

A sound at the door brought her to the threshold, and she saw a harried looking man enter the hall, rushing along, his white hair neat and tidy and his uniform well pressed, he looked in surprise at her, as he encountered her at the library door, but paused only a moment, before bustling off.

She went toward the racket that was coming from the entrance way, and saw two burly men carrying a stretcher up the stairs. Maz was standing at the bottom, a handkerchief pressed to her mouth, and as Rey approached, she saw that there were tears on her face.

“Are you well? What has happened?”

“Oh, I am fine, I am merely happy, for my son has returned” she said, smiling at Rey. Rey followed the men who were climbing the stairs with her eyes, lingering on the stretcher.

“You must meet him, later, of course, once he has recovered from the journey. And Simon too, our missing help these past few months, though he can be a hindrance rather than a help at times, still, he is family” Maz beamed, as she linked arms with Rey and led her toward the kitchen.

“Say, why don’t you make that lovely fruit cake we had last week, it was ever so good, and more moist than anything Arte has put on the table in decades. I am sure Dopheld will like it very much”

“Of course, whatever you wish” Rey said immediately. Maz smiled up at her, and stroked her cheek fondly.

“You are such an obliging girl Rey, I hope you know that you may refuse me if you wish. I won’t have you staying here with me because you are too polite to refuse. It would not do to be separating you from a sweetheart who waits for you down south” Rey swallowed hard, a reflex not unnoticed by her canny mistress, and slowly shook her head.

“No, there is no one.” Rey said woodenly, her heart tearing a little more whenever she remembered the sudden and terrific loss of Ben’s regard. As time passed, it seemed more and more likely that his affection had been a product of circumstance, her proximity and obligingness making him think he felt more than he did. Once she had gone, that affection must have swiftly passed to another. She hoped, despite it all, that it had passed to Miss Maxwell, and that Ben should wed his love and be happy. Even with his loss of regard, she would wish him happiness, always.

“Is it wicked of me to be glad? For then we shall always have you here to ourselves!” Mazz laughed, turning to Arte and instructing her on Dopheld’s diet as recommended by the doctor. Rey watched them, merrily arguing. Arte giving a token resistance, though it was clear she would cook anything her beloved mistress and her son required, and Maz pretending that she didn’t know it well. Bobby bumped her elbow, and she turned to him, ruffling his hair as he grinned up a her shyly.

“Good morning, Miss Rey” he mumbled.

“Good morning young sir” she replied, and he coloured under her attention.

“Do you wish to help me make a fruit cake?”

“Yes please, ma’am, if I am allowed” he said, going red even to the tips of his ears.

“Well, you fetch the eggs first, and I shall see about the fruit to prepare, how does it sound?” she said, and Bobby almost fell over his own feet as he ran out the door to the hen house, leaving both Maz and Arte to exclaim over the carelessly opened door.

 

* * *

 

 

After lunch, and after being introduced to Simon, a rather self-important former butler, Rey prepared herself to meet Maz’s son. He was brought down by Simon, carried in his arms, rather than on a stretcher, and as he was arranged on the couch, Rey saw worry shoot through Maz’s eyes, before she fixed a determinedly cheerful expression on her face.

“Dopheld, darling, you have been gone these long month to the dirty and busy city, and quite missed the most wonderful development here in Dunbeath” she said gaily, fixing a weak cup of tea for him herself, bringing it to him, perching her slight weight on the edge of the settee on which he lay.

The young man himself, smiled tiredly at his mother, and Rey could see a slight resemblance, in the gentleness of his eyes, and the brown warmth. There was a sickly pallor however, that cast over him a fragility that made her nervous. He was very thin, to the point of wasting, and his cheeks were chalky, his eyes a little sunken.

He turned that skeletal face toward her, and smiled widely, and Rey saw more of his mother then.

“Mother no introduction is necessary, your letters have prepared me well to meet your new daughter. You are Rey, I know it is true, so no need to confirm it for me” he said, and Rey laughed, taken aback by his relaxed and playful nature. He was a Duke, and young enough to want to be shown the respect of that station, and out in society, and yet, here he lay, joking with servants and strangers as though they were friends.

“Very well, in that case I do not merely presume you to be Master Kanata, I know it to be true as well” Rey said, following his example.

“Oh, but I am not!” Dopheld said, his face turning quite serious. Rey froze with her teacup halfway to her lips.

“I am merely Dopheld, and nothing more formal will be tolerated, unless you’d like me to call you Lady Reyna Kenobi?” he said, and Rey felt all the air go out her lungs. She shook her head weakly.

“I will call you whatever you wish, if only you will call me Rey” 

“Very well, we are in accord, Rey” he said, that same playful smile on his lips.

 

The rest of the afternoon passed well, and Rey found herself laughing more than she could remember. Dopheld was funny, witty and entertaining. His wasted face was quite transformed whenever he talked, becoming more animated and flushed, giving him a look of health that make it possible to forget that otherwise, he seemed an ill young man. Not a word was spoken on his illness, and Rey dared not ask.

When the afternoon light started to fade, so did he, resting back weakly now, no longer strong enough to lean forward.

“Sir, it is time to go up” Simon said, from his chair, making to stand.

“Simon feels he has been around the doctor long enough, that he might start fancying himself one now also” Dopheld complained, as Simon stooped his aged back to carry him up the stairs.

“Goodnight, fair Rey! Thank you for the company. Coming home has been quite the pleasure after all, thanks to you” he said, with a smile, and a great amount of dignity for someone being carried from the room. Rey smiled back, wishing she could express sentiments with the same stunning ease with which he did.

“I will see you on the morrow” she called to him.

“Did you hear that Simon? She is to see me tomorrow, when means you had better rest your back in order to keep up with all our adventures”

Rey’s laughter followed Simon’s protests, Bobby dodging on ahead to open doors for them as they left, and the three women of Dunbeath castle were left alone in the warm afterglow of Dopheld’s charm.

“You make me very happy, Rey. Dopheld was quite upbeat this afternoon, despite everything, and I have you to thank”

“I feel the same is true of him! I don’t recall laughing so much, or so truly”

“I can hardy imagine you have had much to laugh over, in your short life, as hard as it has been” Maz observed, and watched as emotions played over Rey’s features, a soft smile, melancholy and wistful appearing.

“Perhaps you are right, but my life has not been humourless, it would be sad indeed to remember it so” Rey said, thinking that most of the times she had laughed aloud, with abandon had been with Ben, and before that, with Finn, so long ago now, she could barely recall the flash of his smile.

“It is the way of life to lose people, it is a fleeting, fragile thing. I hope it didn’t upset you, when Dopheld called you my daughter?” Rey flushed, the endearment she had known was mere teasing and flattery, already held dearly in her heart.

“No, of course not. It was an honour, even in jest”

“It was no jest, my dear. I long wished for a daughter, or even another son, a friend for Dopheld, but was not blessed with such. You are my dearest’s daughter, and now we are together here, you feel to me like my own.”

Rey feared speaking for knowing how her voice would tremble so. She simply smiled, and knew Maz could see her heart, as well as if she had spoken.

"Yes, I feel we are quite the family now that Dopheld has returned. We have our esteemed friends with us, Arte and Simon, we have a child, in Bobby, I am the dowager duchess, of course, and now, the master has returned, in Dopheld.” Maz said, with a last smile, before getting up and helping Arte clean away the afternoon tea.

Rey stood also, her mind going over Maz’s list of household members, as she wondered, what role it was that she herself fulfilled.

 

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Hundreds of miles south, in the wealthy province of Alderaan, the men of the town nearest the big house, were roused awake in the night. The bell rang in the village, and already, whisps of smoke were drifted across the moonlit moor from the great house that stood against the horizon, wreathed in flames.

“Fire! Fire!” was called, as all scrambled for water and buckets, the track to the estate becoming muddied under many feet.

The servants stood out on the lawn, all accounted for but two. Mrs Holdo the house keeper was directing people with blankets, and making sure everyone was far away from the flames, as she watched the beautiful place she had served a life time of work, crumble and fall.

 

Inside, Charles Wokesly and Poe Dameron finally reached the study, searching for the last man left inside, breaking the outside window to escape the room. If Dameron might have refused going into smoke to retrieve the man who sat in an arm chair, surrounded by fire, uncaring, Wokesly gave him no choice. Wokesly was a man who fallen guardian, in his heart, to the progeny of his oldest friend, all too recently departed. He wasn’t about to let him pass before his very eyes.

Together, they reached him, sitting upright, and saw his eyes were open, blinking in the smoke. He was conscious and very much aware. He was simply choosing to sit there.

They pulled him from the chair, the motion making the man buck and writhe in their hands, and when they managed to pull him from the room, out the window to the waiting help, he reached back toward the flames as though he desperately missed their embrace, his hands spitting with fire, scorching, a terrible smell of meat and Wokesly knew he would never forget the sound of his cry, like a soul in torment, the lament of a broken heart, longing to be free of its earthly bonds and know peace again. It made him shiver, as they wrapped his master in warm blankets, and housemaids cried at the sight of his blood and soot streaked visage. What would become of them all, he no longer knew.

The night stretched long and dark, and the dawn was slow to arrive.

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“My goodness, if Solo could see himself now, he might have preferred to have perished”

“What a tasteless thing to say, all life is precious, Armitage” Catherine said harshly, taken aback by the sight before her.

Benjamin Solo was convalescing in comfort, in his townhouse in Mayfair, which was filled to the brim with staff, from Alderaan House, and his usual town servants.

He had not woken often, in the weeks since the fire, and was attended by one of the best physicians in London, engaged by her brother himself.

Her brother was a careless and callous sort, he had few real friends, and those he considered friends were hardly more friendly to him than a mere acquaintance might be. However, he had known Ben Solo since boyhood, and as much as Armitage might detest personal relationships, he cared for him. It hurt him, to see him brought so low.

He made a pitiful sight, wrapped in bandages, his hands and arms. His massive chest rose and fell beneath the covers of his sick bed evenly, and his face, paler than ever before, was thankfully unscathed, except were a shard of glass had raked across his eyebrow during rescue. It was already healing into a neat, thin scar.

Catherine had always thought Ben handsome, a hint of roughish charm when he smiled, and a serious scholar at other times, now, when she looked at that pleasing face, all she could see was his sadness. It was etched deep into the grooves at the side of his mouth, lips downturned, even in sleep, and into the dark shadows under his eyes. It lay over him like a cloak.

“I must check that his doctor is attending him properly, look at his hand, that bandage looks terrible” Hux was saying, scowling at the wrapped appendage as though it had offended him, with its yellow and pink seeping.

“I will fetch him, my lord” Wokesly the butler, and a constant presence at his master’s side, spoke from the corner.

“See that you do, good man” Hux said, placated. He sat abruptly in his chair, and checked his pocket watch.  
“Where the devil is Miss Maxwell, I would think she would be here by now” he muttered irritably. Catherine shrugged. Despite being friends, Catherine had always known the measure of Kira Maxwell.

“I do not think she will be visiting again, after that first time” she said, bringing to memory the horrid scene in which Kira had swooned when she saw Ben, only a week before, and refused to stay in the room. She had cried pitiful tears, and when Catherine had comforted her with the doctor’s prognosis, that Ben would recover and be well again, he just needed time, she had realised Kira’s tears were not for Ben Solo at all, but for herself.

“He will be horribly disfigured”

“Perhaps his hands will retain marks, but he will have full use of them”

“And his face? Cut in half? How awful” Kira had shuddered, before moving onto her next concern.

“And Alderaan House burned to the ground, all of Lady Leia’s beautiful things, gone – it is a travesty”

“No one lost their lives in the fire, everything else is replaceable”

“Yes, I suppose” Kira had said, already looking toward the door and her escape.

 

No, Catherine did not expect Kira Maxwell to call again soon. Ben had seen them a few times, been awake enough to recognise them, and talk with them briefly. He didn’t seem up to handing a conversation with Miss Maxwell, Catherine thought critically, so perhaps it was best, she found herself telling her brother. He nodded darkly.

“Then good riddance to her” he muttered, and took up the volume he had been reading.

“Read for us, Cathy, it’ll do good for Solo to hear about the stars he loves so much” Hux instructed passing her Ben’s favourite book on astronomy.

“Very well” she accepted, and the siblings settled back, as Catherine read, and doctor entered to check the bandages, and all the while the butler kept his vigil from the door.

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Bobby’s birthday was celebrated in the Katana household in March, though, no one knew of the actual date of his birth, his parents having never told him, before they had left him at the local church and run off to make their fortunes down south.

Rey baked him a special cake, full of fruit and nuts and everything that he liked. The weather was unseasonably warm for once, and so, with Simon and Rey balancing Dopheld’s stretcher, Bobby carrying the cake, Arte, two large picnic hampers, and Maz, two brimming teapots, and a legion of blankets, they descended onto the beach.

There they proceeded to set up the strangest picnic Rey had ever seen, and she loved every moment of it. Her favourite part was when Bobby went to pour the tea, and found out it was hot chocolate instead, sent for by Maz to London. His eyes rolled back as he slurped down cup after cup. Rey lingered over hers, enjoying the smell and the warmth, and finally, eyes closed, she took a sip. The flavours sank into her tongue, spicy and warm and she smiled. When she opened her eyes, she found Dopheld watching her with his own smile. They had become good friends, and she was very fond of the master of this strange and precious household.

They played games on the rocks, and Simon surprised her bringing out a well-cared for fiddle, and playing dancing tunes. Soon, Rey was turning with Bobby on the packed sand, as Maz instructed her on how to dance a reel, a minuet and a jig. Then, Arte showed them some Scottish country dancing, and Rey did not stop moving until her sides ached with laughter and her feet were numb. She sank onto a rock beside Dopheld, as he watched them all, clapping along merrily.

“You dance beautifully, my darling” he said with a grin, as she wiped sweat from her brow. He had taken to calling her such endearments, such things as only Ben had ever said to her, and she did not stop him. He was a force unto himself, and she knew he meant no harm in it.

“It’s my first attempt! Surely that should gain me a little leeway” she said with a laugh.

“Undoubtedly, but it is surely a shame that a girl like you should not be attending balls and dancing your slippers off” he said.

“No, the true shame is that you cannot be doing those things and more” she said quietly. Dopheld turned and look at her. He was thinner these days, though Rey had hardly thought it possible. He slept more and more, and smiled less and less, though on these days, he still managed. She had been surprised that he was willing to trek down to the beach, but so glad that he had, when Bobby smiled to them both, waving his hands to get their attention.

“Look at that wee lad -   he thinks we are his parents, Maz his grandmother, and Arte and Simon his aunt and uncle” Dopheld laughed, and surprised Rey, by slipping his hand into hers.

“I should have liked it very much, I think, having a child with you, Rey. It would have been nice, to be able to leave mama with someone to look after, once I am gone” he said, and Rey simply stared at him. He met her eye and laughed, though it felt strained.

“Come let us not step lightly, you and I both know I am not getting any better. I will only get worse, and soon, I will leave you all for my next grand adventure, and you will all just have to wait the rest of your boring lives out, to see what I have been up to above” he said with a grin.

“I am dying Rey, a wasting disease. I was a sickly child, weakened by scarlett fever as a boy, and never quite recovered. What I have now, whatever it is, the doctors haven’t quite decided, but it will kill me, nonetheless. I know it is obvious, everyone knows it, but we don’t speak of it, it is most annoying” he said, crossing his arms over his bony chest. He caught the teary look in Rey’s eyes.

“Now, no tears, my love, I forbid it. Save all that for after I am gone. I expect nothing less than full mourning, for at least a year, sackcloth gowns and habitual wailing in grief, at 12 pm sharp, daily” he laughed, and Rey tried to cast the pall of sadness from her features.

“A year of mourning?” she teased lamely, unable to sufficient muster her good humour enough to joke.

“Yes indeed, a year is only appropriate, as my wife, you will be expected to mourn longer than any other, though I am sure Maz will try and outdo you, she’s terribly competitive” Rey’s mouth dropped open in shock.

“You wife?”

“Forgive me, this is a terrible proposal, I admit I don’t quite feel up to dropping on a knee just now – but the question remains the same”

“I couldn’t possibly-“

“Now, before you protest you cannot, and for all the reasons you are sure to think up… I’ll have you know, my mother and I both individually came to the same idea, rather naturally, it was most entertaining.” He said.

“You see, I don’t want to leave her alone or the servants either. Neither my mother nor I have long left of this life, and I would know that Takodana was cared for, that Arte, Bobby and Simon were cared for. And you, dearest Rey, I would like to know you are provided for. My mother wishes it very much, her much longed for daughter and friend” He was saying, though the words seemed to be fading in and out of her hearing.

“I do not expect anything wifely of you, if that is what worries you. Just your company, for my remaining time, would be a kindness, and to take care of our family, as long as you are able”

“You are a duke - it would be scandalous. I am no one.” Rey finally muttered, falling back on the comfort of convention to protect her from having to answer.

“My, we wouldn’t want a scandal, would we? Soon enough, I’ll be dead, and I don’t think any one of us here cares much for what society thinks. As long as you stay here, tucked away in Takodana, I don’t see why anyone would bother you about it” Dopheld said.

“And you _are_ someone, you are extraordinary and I bid you to never forget it. You shine, Rey” as he said the words, her cheeks coloured, transporting her to another time and place, another man, igniting her longing to hear his voice once more.

“I must think on it” Rey said after a moment, looking back toward the party, and catching Maz’s watchful eye.

“Of course, but I cannot expect mother to give you long to do so, she’s too excited about the whole thing” he said.

“Say, there isn’t any more hot chocolate left, is there?” he asked, looking around for the teapot, returning to normal with ease, as though he hadn’t just turned the world on its head.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wasting disease might have been something like cancer, but they didn't know what it was, or have a name for it then. 
> 
> Fire - just an accident, happened a lot with candles and open fires, as well as a master who was often drunk and wandering the halls in the night.
> 
> I know it seems pretty grim right now - but I promise - all will be well down the line. Capturing the suffering that canon Ben has been through - to me anyway, is pretty terrible.


	12. Chapter 12

Ben Solo, Marquess of Alderaan, approached the door of his home on Grosvenor Street, staring at the park across the street. The leaves were green, and people were walking in the gardens, children were playing. He leaned on a black cane, better to support his weakened body with. Months of bedrest had left him feeling a stranger in his own skin.

He took frequent walks, and hoped it would rebuild the wasted muscles in time. A pair of children shot out of a darkened alley nearby, the boy sprinting across the street, as the little girl slid to a stop, just avoiding a horse. Ben had reached toward her in fear, his cane gripped tightly, too late to pull her back, but powerless not to try. She sat up, and seeing him, scrambled to her feet. She was skinny and dirty, blonde, perhaps, he couldn’t make out, under the filth. She looked up at him fearfully. He wondered what spectre he might make to her young eyes. Dressed all in black, he towered over her, his scarred eyebrow lending a more sinister cast to his noble features.

“Here – take it” he said, reaching into his pocket to withdraw a good amount of coin. The little girl stared at him, clearly wanting the money, but afraid to come closer. He held his hand out before him, waiting for her to reach out for it. Finally, desperation won over, and she reached out and snatched the coins, her eyes on his black gloves. Black leather in the heat of summer. She sped off, without a backward glance and he continued to his home. He gave money to each and every urchin he passed in the street, though he scared them. He thought they’d be more frightened to see the hands under those gloves, and the man under his carefully created mask of normalcy. He didn’t want to scare them off, after all. Every single one of them was Rey to him.

He slowly climbed the stairs of the townhouse, and Wokesly opened the door to him, giving him an uncustomary smile. Ben came inside, waiting as his butler helped him out his coat, and through to his study.

“Well?” he asked at length, as Wokesly hung up his top hat and placed his cane in easy reach by the desk, the gloves remained on.

“I have located them, sire. You father had rented a place, not far from here after all” he said.

“Well, never let it be said that Han Solo was not practical to the end, that is good news.” He said, cracking a rare smile.

 

* * *

 

 

Rey softly closed the book in her lap, a satisfied smile on her lips, as she traced her fingers over the cover. She had read it, by herself. She felt like a new born calf taking its first steps, and it had been terribly difficult, and she had felt like giving up, numerous times. But, she had done it.

“Rey! Do you have time to get changed, we are to have company” Maz hissed into Rey’s room, before disappearing. Rey stood, crossing swiftly to the window, and looking down. Her room faced the front of the house, and she saw a carriage below. They never had visitors. She rushed to her wardrobe and looked out a day dress Maz had given her. It was a little dated, but obviously good quality. She tugged it on, wondering wildly who could be calling on them. It was a little jarring, when she had gotten so used to the intimate seclusion of Takodana estate, and the closeness she enjoyed with all who lived there.

She made sure her hair was tidy, before descending the long stairs to the drawing room. She could here Dopheld’s voice, and another, low and masculine.

She reached the bottom, and stopped, surprise stilling to the spot.

“And this is my companion, dear friend – Reyna Kenobi.” Maz saw saying as Rey dropped into a curtsey. The red-haired man standing in in the centre of the room, turning a slow inspection on the spot met her gaze and was similarly arrested.

“My Lord” she murmured.

“Reyna, this is Lord Hux, he is our cousin, a distant relation-“

“Not so distant, if you have checked the lines of progression, dear Aunt” Hux said, moving his eyes back to Rey’s, where they narrowed suspiciously.

“Forgive me, but have we met?”

“At Alderaan House, sire.” She said honestly, dropping his probing gaze, as she edged to the side of the room. The family members made awkward small talk, as Rey fidgeted in the corner, aware of Lord Hux’s eyes returning to hers occasionally. There didn’t seem much point in attempting to deceive him, and what would be the point anyway.

“Rey, come and sit by me” Dopheld said suddenly, and Rey flushed red, as he patted the settee near him. It was inappropriately close, and Hux watched them with a carefully controlled expression. Rey perched nervously on the edge, and offered him a tentative smile.

“What was your role at Alderaan House, remind me?” Hux said.

“I was Lady Leia’s lady’s maid” she said, and saw Maz look surprised from the corner of her eye.

“Ah, yes, that’s right. I saw you there after her passing, didn’t I. Terrible business, everything that has happened to that family” Hux said, but before Rey could ask him in continue, Dopheld had started speaking.

“We thank our stars every day that Rey decided to join us here, in Dunbeath. I confess, I quite forget myself in her presence” he said, staring at her. She blushed under that look, and revealing so personal things in front of  Lord Hux, who was watching with suspicious.

“I would be lost without her here” he continued, as Maz moved to Rey’s other shoulder, placing her hand on it, and looking to their cousin as though he was challenging them in some way.

“As would I. She has become very dear to us” Maz said. Rey remained unsure about the reason for their display, could only smile meekly.

 

* * *

 

 

Hours later, they watched the carriage depart. Hux had stood in the doorway, a little put out that he was being bundled unceremoniously out the door so quickly.

“Is it not odd that you didn’t invite him to stay? It is a long journey and he has hardly broken it” she observed as her and Maz returned to Dopheld, who was sitting anxiously, uncomfortably upright.

“No, I wouldn’t let that vulture stay under this roof if I could help it” Maz said, going straight for the brand and pouring three healthy measures. She returned and handed them each a glass.

“We must let Arte and Simon know it is ok to escape the kitchen now” Maz muttered, as she left for the servants.

“What was all that about?” she asked as Dopheld dropped his weary face into his hands.

“Armitage Hux, our dearly beloved cousin, was here, sniffing out my health, and the state of Dunbeath castle. Though, I doubt he wants it, it is the fortune he is after, no doubt” Dopheld was muttering. He saw Rey’s confusion, and passed a hand over her hair, tucking a stray lock behind her ear.

“Forgive me. Without heirs, I am the last Kanata. Hux was my father's nephew, once removed. When I die, Hux is set to inherit all” he explained, and Rey felt her stomach drop.

“He’s not so bad, but he has no interest in Dunbeath, nor interest in three doddering old servants who aren’t much use for anything”

“I certainly do not dodder, sire” Simon sniffed, as he entered the room with Maz.

“That is why we had to show you off to him, Rey. He had to feel like Dopheld has formed a genuine attachment to you, if he is to let the inheritance pass to you, unchallenged.” Maz explained.

“Of course, to discuss such matters directly is uncouth, but hopefully, this display has made him realise, there is a contender for Takodana now, one that is endorsed by both myself and Maz” Dopheld said.

“It sounds awfully complicated” Rey muttered, looking around at her new family.

“It always is, when money is involved” Maz said sagely, before fixing Rey with a look.

“Of course, if you would just make your mind up, we could have this marriage arranged, and done with. The more time you are married, the less likely it is that he could challenge the entail” Rey glanced to Dopheld, her expression pained.

“Do not worry so for my feelings, sweetheart. The best thing you could do to ease my mind is marry me, so I know if I drop dead tomorrow, everyone is provided for.” He said.

Rey swallowed hard. They were her family now, and what he was offering her was more than anyone ever had. He was giving her his name, his home and his worldly possessions. It was overwhelming, and she felt undeserving, but, in their eyes, as she looked at the picture of herself reflected there, she saw a woman of worth, who would be the next caretaker for the Kanata family legacy. Who would fight for it, with dignity and determination. Once again, she found it easier to express her love for them all, with her actions, over mere words.

“Very well, if that is the best way to ease your mind, if it will bring you peace – I accept. I will marry you”

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It was late in the evening, when the card game finished, and Ben found himself with ten times his stake. He cared little whether he won or lost, and played with a hard, passive aggression that was difficult to read. He took a great many risks, and seemed to have the nerve of the devil, and for that reason, he was impossible to beat. He had seen Hux arrive, and he was now at the bar, drinking his favourite cocktail, as Ben approached.

“Have you enjoyed your jaunt north then?” he asked mockingly, knowing Hux had been dreading travelling to the wilds to see his wayward cousin. Hux scowled.

“It was just as dreadful as I had suspected. The castle is in disrepair, not a decent bit of food or drink to be had, and that damn village is so small, you could ride through it in a minute. I would probably just let the whole place languish, anything would beat having to actually go there” Hux shuddered. Ben sat beside his friend, and ordered a drink. The candle light reflected off his leather gloves, always with him, and he rubbed a sheen on the back with his thumb as he listened to Hux ramble about his misfortunate in being next in line to a fortune whose estate was situated in the very last place one would want to visit.

“You won’t guess who I saw.”

“Probably not”

“I couldn’t place her at first, I thought she was familiar, but then, I do have an eye for a pretty face-“

“Really? I never would have guessed, given your usual purchased company” Ben drawled, becoming bored with the conversation. He turned, pulling his overcoat back on, black atop black.

“What was her name again, I can’t recall it… Reyna something – I know not” Hux mumbled, as Ben paused, throwing a curious look over his shoulder.

“I do not know a Reyna”

“She was a servant, not an acquaintance, for your mother, I believe” Ben’s heart started to pound, and his breath felt short. He turned to Hux fully, surprising the man as he pulled him around to face him. He looked into his blue eyes, and spoke forcefully.

“Tell me”

“Fine, I was planning to, good god, man. You must give me chance.” Hux huffed. Ben waited, impatience curling off him.

“She said she was your mother’s lady’s maid, though she is so young I cannot see how she could have been…”

“What did she look like?” Be asked quickly.

“Just like – a young woman, cease this ridiculous pressing of me” Hux said indignantly, as Ben leaned in close enough to leave his heavy bulk against Hux more slender frame.

“She was pretty, brown hair, brown eyes, slim, perhaps a little too slim, little in the way of womanly attributes, yay tall” Hux said, indicating a height on Ben’s chest that brought him to mind immediately of Rey’s head, pressing into his sternum.

“Where?” Ben asked, his voice level, an amazing feat considering how tumultuous his insides were.

“Dunbeath castle, at the end of damn world!” Hux cried, as Ben pushed off him, turning in his sombre dark clothes, and making for the door of Whites.

“It’s five days hard ride!” Hux called after, him, but it was already too late, Ben Solo had disappeared into the night, with a good deal more determination and urgency than he’d seen from him in a year or more. If Hux hadn’t been so riled and inconvenienced to have lost his drinking partner, he might have been happy about it.

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Maz handled preparing the banns to be read at the Dunbeath kirk. There was no need for a marriage to be performed by clergy in Scotland, however, to lend legitamacy to the proceedings, they decided to make it as formal as possible.

Rey did not wish for a new trousseau, though Dopheld offered to fetch an Edinburgh tailor to the castle to make one for her. Her wedding dress, she adapted from a beautiful cream day gown that she found handing in an old bedroom upstairs. She took up the length a little, and tidied up the loose lace edging.

Arte surprised her by stealing it away in the evenings, and refusing to let her see it. After three days, she found it had been decorated with sewn in pearls, pilfered from other frocks in the castle.

“It’s fitting. We are the bits and boobs, the jumbled pieces that no one sought to keep, but together, remade like we are, we fit just fine” the old cook had said, tears in her eyes.

Rey went for long walks in the heather and gorse covered hills, her mind on her parents, and more often than not, Ben. They didn’t receive society papers in Dunbeath, and she was afraid to ask Maz, for she couldn’t answer any questions on the subject. Just the thought of him, was apt to rob her of her voice.  She had left them all behind, Mrs Holdo and Wokesly, Kaydel and Poe. She had once thought of them as her family, and now, with her actions, she had ripped herself from those acquaintances. Their silence was loud indeed.

She had taken to gardening, pulling the tough weeds from the flower beds around the landscaped front of the entrance, her mind wholly occupied with the task. Dopheld was fading fast, even in the short time since she had agreed to his plan, his light seemed to be dimming. It was as if he had determined to see the deed done, and would not go until that moment. After that, Rey did not know, but just the thought already made tears seep from her eyes. She had found a true friend in him. She thought of the three men who had been her friends, Finn, and they had been equals, Ben, who had wanted everything from her, and Dopheld, who planned to give her everything.

It was there, on her knees in the earth, work man’s gloves almost up to her elbow, that her past, finally caught up with her.

 

* * *

 

Ben was sure that the ride to Dunbeath had been uncomfortable, and yet, now, riding through the village, scattering about chickens as he went, he could hardly recall it. His mind had been focused on his destination, and what he might find there, and he scarcely noticed much else.

He asked directions to the castle, and was shown up a dirt track that weaved along the cliff side. As he approached, seeing the large white building ahead, he dismounted, leading his horse over the gravelled drive way, and tying her to post near the gates.

There were few people in evidence, certainly fewer than he’d expect to see from such an imposing and tremendous structure.

Wrapping his great black surcoat securely around him, and taking off his top hat, the wind making it perilous to wear, he started toward the entrance. He had only gone a few steps, when he became aware of a noise, alongside the rush and swell of the sea, licking at the cliffs below, and the wind, tossing gulls upon it noisily.

It was humming.

The sound brought gooseflesh to his arms, his whole being still for a long, agonising moment, where his imagination and mind warred against each other, as his eyes fell on a figure, long, unbound hair blowing freely in the wind, wrapped in green and brown tartan. A wild spirit in the wilderness, he was afraid to move, lest she disappear before his eyes.

Her face was so familiar, so dear and so very longed for, her mouth curving in a soft smile, as she tended to her lot before her. Just, then, a pheasant startled from a bush nearby, and she fell back a little, surprised. She laughed to herself, and then, slowly become aware that she was being watched.

When their eyes met, Ben could have sworn, that the waves stopped crashing, the wind ceased it’s howl and the very Earth drew breath.

“Ben?” she said, slowly standing.

“Rey”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh! I'm sorry if this is riddled with mistakes, no beta and long day, eyes beginning to blur. 
> 
> Agonised over making Hux the cousin, as it seemed too coincidental, however I wanted it to be someone already in the story, with a Ben connection and someone Ben might be able to... influence... later, so just went with it instead of introducing a new OC.
> 
> To the readers worried about Rey's agency with this marriage - at the time, it would have been considered a very advantageous thing to happen to Rey, and puts her on a more equal footing with Ben going forward.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys blew we away with your comments last chapter! 
> 
> I dont know why I didn't think it'd be such an explosive one, but I am so glad you enjoyed it. 
> 
> Warning Spoiler!! (look away now to be unspoiled)
> 
> I don't want to upset anyone, so want to pre-warn that there is a very unsensual smut scene here, consensual, with Ben, but not Rey, and I know that bothers some people. It is important for the wider story, but I hated writing it... if that helps at all!! Scene starts as "Whites" and ends at "Mine"
> 
> End for further notes))

_On a cliffside in Scotland..._

 

“Ben” She tried again, the word lodging in her throat, as the silence surged so thickly between them, it seemed to cloud the very air. He moved toward her in a dreamlike state, his long legs hardly seeming to make progress over the short distance.

Rey was arrested by the changes in him. His boyishness and youthful countenance was hardened somehow. His clothes were austere, black and serious, ill-fitting his tall and slim body, swamping him in darkness. His face was pale, deathly so, and Rey gasped to see a long scar running across his right eyebrow, and almost to his eye. He reached her, his expression pensive and oddly disbelieving.

Without forethought, her eyes on the scar, her hand rose unbidden toward him, her heart fluttering in her chest like a hummingbird. He flinched as her fingers came close to him, reaching his gloved hand to wrap around her wrist, and staying her movement. 

His eyes were dark, as he stared at her face intently, his long throat bobbing in a hard swallow. She saw all those things, these tiny details of the man she had spent almost a year imagining.

He drank her in as she stood there, so beautiful and so alive. It was all he had longed to see, the dark days and night after the news of the girl by the river. And now, he felt the last remaining piece of his heart break, a brittle sound, echoing through the tomb of his body.

“It is true” he said, as he stared. He couldn’t prevent himself, weak at the sight of her as always.

“What is?” she asked, stepping closer to him, as he took a step back in response, dropping her hand as though it had burned him.

She stared at his sudden movement, her expression bewildered.

“Ben, are you well?” she asked, so innocently, he felt like wrapping his hands around her lying mouth and bidding her to never speak again.

“No. I am not well,” he said at last, fighting the urge to rant and rave at her, to bend her over his knee and thrash her soundly for the pain and suffering her thoughtless departure had wrought, all the while wishing to press her against him and taste her lips, feel her hair between his fingers once more, to worship this spirit, returned from the land of the dead.

“Come inside by the fire, you look cold” she said simply, turning away from his brooding stare, his gaze vacillating between shock and anger.

She entered the castle, casting her long, ugly gloves away, and turned to him, offering to take his coat. He stripped it off, without moving his eyes from her, as though afraid she might turn to dust the moment he did.

“Let’s go to the library, it’s warmest and we won’t be disturbed there” she said simply, and walked down one of the stone corridors, leaving him to follow. He trailed after her like a shadow. He couldn’t stop cataloguing the changes in her.

While the changes in him had reduced him, scarred him, both his outside and within, she had become even lovelier.

It was a harsh reminder of the difference between them. Where he had failed, and almost given up all hope without her, she had flourished, gained confidence and poise, her brown eyes more alive now than ever before, her sun warmed complexion freckled, and cheeks rosy with the sea air. He looked at her clothes, seeing those too changed. No more drab uniform, she wore a woollen plaid skirt in muted tones of purples and greens, like the countryside he had ridden through. Her gown was mended in more than one place, and she carefully detangled her hair from the heavy shawl she had worn, revealing a tightly fitting bodice beneath, in the same green as the shawl. She gathered her hair in one hand, and Ben treasured the sight of it free and untamed, as he had never seen it. It was longer, covering her shoulders now, and it waved around her face as she threw another log on the fire, and turned to him. She twisted it deftly into her collar, leaving careless wisps to frame her face. She was breathtakingly lovely, and he looked his fill, even past where she grew awkward and uncomfortable with his silent inspection.

“Please, make yourself at home” she suggested at length. He looked around the greatly appointed room. He sat stiffly in a leather armchair, feeling the strain of the ride start to bloom in his muscles.

Rey hovered nearby, before choosing a chair to sit in. She sat, and pulled her legs up under her, as was her way, covering them with her skirts, a sight he had seen often enough, and yet, it’s casual informality made his anger simmer all the hotter. The passing reference to the closeness they had once shared, that she thought to evoke now, after all that had come to pass.

“It is good to see you” she said at last, when he failed to speak, only stared.

“Is it?” he asked heavily. She frowned, her pretty brow creasing at his words.

“Of course. I would always be happy to see you”

“I find that hard to believe. Surprised – might be a more apt description.” Rey felt befuddled by the conversation but forged on ahead regardless.

“Should I offer you my congratulations on your wedding? We don’t receive any news about London society here-“

“No, you should not. I did not marry Miss Maxwell.” He said shortly.

“Did – something happen to prevent it?” she asked tentatively, unsure how to approach this Ben, almost a stranger, sitting like a giant crow, gripping the arm chair with black gloved hands, even inside by the fire.

“Yes, something happened” he said curtly.

“A girl died, by the river between town and Alderaan House” he said shortly, and Rey struggled to keep up with his change of topic. She waited for him to continue, unsure in what direction they were headed.

“The police were unable to identify her, except for her clothes, a uniform of Alderaan House and without anyone coming forward to looking for her, there were not many other logical conclusions” he said, finally breaking eye contact and looking to the fire. A horrid dread started to grow within Rey.

“What did she look like?” she asked, a whispered prayer to be wrong. Ben took his time answering. When he did speak, he swung his head back to her, his eyes pinning her down with accusation and loss.

“She looked like you”

“No!” Rey cried, as she stood suddenly, the weight of his revelation baring down on her. The girl from the inn, Bess, that had been her name. Dead? It could not be.

“She was wearing your uniform, there was no other explanation to be had” he continued, his voice a grating granite tone. Rey paced before the fire, wrapping her arms around her middle, her mind slipping instantly into the dark imagining of what Ben must have felt, thinking that she had died.

Her whirling skirt brought her close to the fire, and she didn’t see Ben move, but suddenly he was there, hauling her roughly back from the hearth, casting an eye at the hearth.

“Stay back from the flames, or I shall make you” he growled.

She took the opportunity to clutch onto his chest, her eyes filling with tears as she gazed up at him.

“I did not know… I thought only to do her a kindness, as you had done me.” Rey said. Ben had ceased touching her the moment she was safely removed from the fire, though she held onto his coat, twisting it under her fingers, his chest felt hard and cold beneath.

“What tormented me most, in the beginning, was why you would have been there, where you were going… I did not know then – that you meant to abandon me” he said, his voice growing harder by the moment. She stared at him, aghast at his words.

“I heard you calling me, at night, alone… I thought to join your spirit on the moors – I embraced the darkness, for I thought you waited there for me.” He broke off, his eyes moving like molten coals across her, branding an awareness of him wherever they touched.

“I did not know you were here, playing in the heather by the sea. Happy – to be finally free of me” he suddenly growled, throwing her clutching hands off and putting distance between them. He was a coiled trap, ready to spring shut, an overflowing damn, that threatened to burst. A maelstrom of emotion, heady and dark, hia anger and guilt and hurt swirled around him, fogging his view.

“I never wanted to be free of you – Ben! You must believe me”

“I will never believe a word you say again, so do not waste time asking it of me” he warned.

“Ben – allow me to defend myself-“ she protested, and jumped as he suddenly roared.

“I thought you were dead!” the words stole the air from the room, and Rey stared at him, shaken by the furious depths of his pain and anger.

“I mourned you! I lost myself – my home, everything to the darkness that was born inside me that night” his voice faded a little, the wild look in his eyes maturing into desperate sadness.

“You have broken me Rey. Whether it was your intention or not, it is undeniable” he said, quietly now, and yet the words were like a bellow to her ears.

“I never meant you to think I was dead” she said.

“But you did mean to leave me – in silence, in my absence. You said goodbye to me a final time, though I was unknowing of it, and crept away, like I was some monster – keeping you in a tower” he turned angrily, pacing to the window, and staring out. It was a desolate view, all cliff and grey sea.  

“I might have left in your absence, but I left you a letter, please, tell me you received it”

“I received nothing”

“I left you one, and there I explained where I was going and why. I told you to bid me return, if you wanted and I would follow your wishes” he was watching her closely, looking for a lie, she made efforts to lay herself as bare as possible.

“Placating words from the woman who would leave me, mere weeks after both my parents died. You seek to promote sympathy in me, it is impossible. I received no letter, and I already told you I am disinclined to believe anything you say.”

“There was one-“

“Who wrote it for you?” he interjected, and Rey closed her mouth quickly. She flushed as his assessing eyes moved over her. She would not endangered Mrs Holdo to his wrath, without knowing why the letter had never reached Ben.

“And these past months, did you expect I could have possibly received your letter, and failed to come for you, or failed to write you?” he asked, his tone disbelieving.

“I thought you had gotten married, and perhaps, decided it was best not to upset your new bride by bringing me back with you”

“You wished it, you mean”

“No! I never meant it to be a final goodbye between us”

“Yet, when I failed to write and come, you were relieved, you felt you had escaped my evil clutches successfully” Ben said, running a hand through his hair, and letting it spill back over his forehead afterward. Rey twisted her fingers to stop herself reaching out to him. Instead, she stood, closed in on herself and forbore his brooding stare.

“I thought you had forgotten about me” she admitted. If she had thought it silent before, it was nothing compared to the deep and encompassing stillness that fell between them now.

“I thought you had realised your mistake in caring for me, and now, with separation, rationality had returned and you were releasing me.” She said, confessing her most secret fears. Ben held her gaze a long time, his hands going from curled fists in her lap to hang by his sides, as though the fight had seeped from him.

“I see. I understand now… at last” he said slowly, coming closer to her, and reaching for her cheek. His hand was smooth in the glove, but she pressed her face against his palm, as he cupped her cheek.

“You never loved me, as I loved you. I was alone in the affection that I felt, once a life line, stringing from my heart to yours, strengthening me, completing me. Now, it is like a worm, burrowed in, eating its way free from inside. I talk of love, and grand emotion, two souls born to know each other in this lonely world, and you talk of duty and release from obligation.” He said quietly, and each word threw a sharp dagger of pain into Rey’s heart.

“Ben-“ she tried to interject, but his fingers closed over her mouth, stealing the words away.

“You have broken my heart, and this love for you has made me a fool. You have made a mockery of my love for you, and taught me what my mother died, still unknowing, though my father proved it to her time and again.” He removed his hand from her lips, lingering on them as he did, with a wistful look. He brushed her hair back, and Rey found his accusations had robbed her of her voice.

“That love is a lie, a person’s greatest weakness.”

“It isn’t a lie, it is a gift, and everything that has happened does not meant I don’t love you. I do, I always have, and I will never cease, you must believe me” Rey found her voice, cracked with tears and desperation. Her heart couldn’t cope with the revelations. That he had never forgotten her, that he had been mourning her all along, as she danced minuets, and baked cakes in a castle by the sea.

“I don’t think I have it in me, to believe it” he admitted finally, as he seemed to slump inward. Rey raised her hands to his face, quickly cupping his jaw, and drawing his defeated gaze to hers.

“I left to find out who I am and where I came from, what became of my parents. I went when I did because I was afraid that grief would drive you to make a mistake that would cost you your future happiness. I thought that you needed a chance to love Miss Maxwell, without my interference. I have only ever wanted you to be happy” she said earnestly, the words falling from her lips, sent directly from her heart, plainer and forward than any she had ever spoken.

He turned his face into her palm, his lips against her skin, and pressed a kiss there, a shudder running through them both at the intimate gesture, at the sheer feeling of rightness it inspired, like two broken parts, fitting together perfectly once more.

“My life lies in wreckage around me, and yet, I ride five days to see if it could be true, for even now, after it all, I would see you alive and know you left me through choice, than cold and dead in the ground, still loving me.” He said dully. They stood that way a long time, until tiredness made Rey drop her arms, taking his hands instead.

“I am not dead in the ground, and I do still love you, I do not believe I am capable of ceasing”

“I told you I am wary of believing anything from you, especially pretty words such as those”

“How can I convince you?” she asked, desperate to ease his suffering. He stared down at their joined hands.

"I cannot decide if you are a dream or a nightmare" he muttered, seemingly to himself, before drawing a long breath, his hazel eyes fixing on hers solemnly. 

“Pack your things and come with me now” the words were spoken quietly, but there a command there. A demand for capitulation.

“I cannot hate you, and I cannot stop loving you, and if you love me in return, as you claim, you will not withhold yourself one moment more from me. In time, we will forget this darkness between us, and heal the wounds of our hearts together” he said, his hands tightening on hers, and that was the only indication of his intentions, before he was bending to her, and his lips were touching hers.

He kissed her hard, pushing her back a step, as though the force of his longing and pain were able to be expressed there. His hands moved to her waist, and he pulled her against him, clutched her up to his chest, until even her toes left the floor. All the while, his mouth moved on hers, an indescribable torment, his tongue pushing against hers, his breathing turning harsh and laboured. He bore her back to the wall, just behind them, and there, he leant her weight, pulling her legs open to admit him, even with her skirts trapped between them, she could feel him, hard and pressing, between her thighs, as he ground his body against hers. She could not prevent the moan that spilled out, swallowed immediately by Ben’s mouth, capturing hers once more.

She wanted to lose herself in his touch, in the desire of being wanted by this man. His hands tore pleasure from her, her skin ached to feel his.

Yet, through the drugging desire, she felt a warning. Dopheld waiting upstairs in bed, dying slowly, and Maz sitting nearby and watching. Bobby, learning to read, and Arte fussing over them all. Simon ferrying his charges about with a put-upon attitude, and an obvious relief, that although life had not granted most of them any ease, it had brought them together, and it was a blessing.

“Allow me to take you home, Rey, so I might return there myself. I have had no home since you left, and will have none until you return” he was saying, as he pressed kisses down her neck and along her jaw. She fought against the desire to capitulate, to accept the life Ben promised her, for even if she didn’t have her new family, she would have him, and perhaps it would be enough.

But then, in a flicker of insight, she saw her mother. She saw her heavy with child and a victim of circumstance, despite her father’s noble intentions. For prayers are rarely answered in this world, she reminded herself, and that gave her the strength to push his shoulders, and turn her face away.

“Ben, I cannot” she said quietly, and though the words were whispered, he stilled immediately, having heard her clearly.

“I have an obligation to honour” she said. He was frozen beneath her hands, his head bowed.

“An obligation? What of your obligation to me, to be mine, for us, to only be each other’s?”

He said, and there was a hard desolation in his tone that broke her heart anew.

“There was never a world in which this story did not end in heartbreak and despair” she settled for saying. For her mother and father’s story had taught her that.

“You are afraid…. You are a coward, or a liar” he said, stepping back from her, the warmth of his body disappearing at the same time as that coldness he had arrived with swept back into his eyes. He looked at her with something approaching distain.

 “No, I am a survivor. Your story ends with a child, growing up in Niima orphanage, not knowing why she there, and who she is.”

“I would never allow that to happen. I would always take care of you”

“You would keep me as a whore and you would call it love – to love someone is to do the best for them, always, even if it means setting them free.”

“I would keep you in any way I could because I love you. You claim to love me, but you ask me to set you free… as though I am some parasite feasting on your body, a devil on your back”

“You may love someone, and yet know that that love is impossible, and cannot endure, and to try and make it so would be to twist and pervert it, until nothing is left.”

"You'll never be free of me Rey, for we are bound, and to be apart is to feel torn asunder from the insides out.” He stared at her, his gaze urging her to agree. She stared back at him, red blossoming on her cheeks as she finally uttered the words that did break that last reserve.

“The truth still remains, I have an obligation to keep” she said.

“To waste a love like this is unholy” he said sharply, and she fought to ignore the plea to his words.

“Feelings aside, I cannot come with you – I am engaged” her mouth formed the words awkwardly, as though she didn’t want to have to say it to his man and see  his reaction, his betrayal.

Once more, Ben found a stillness that was strangely terrifying.

“Engaged… to be married?”

“Yes, engaged.”

He laughed, a maniacal sound, turning from her to look at the ceiling, his hands clenched into fists by his side.

"A nightmare then - when is this felicitous occasion?”

“Next week” his shock wearing off, he was fairly trembling with anger, Rey saw, with both heartbreak and alarm, and saw him burst into motion, making to leave.

“You should break your journey here, you must be exhausted” she said.

“I cannot remain under this roof for one moment longer, without behaving regretfully. There is only so much lost dignity one can endure.” He said curtly, and turned toward the door. She hurried after him, as he strode down the hallways, remembering well the path, and arriving quickly at the entrance. He snatched up is hat and coat.

“Ben, do not let us part like this-“ she said as she hung by his side.

“You have ensured we must, with your poisoned words and honeyed venom. I wish I had never discovered you here, I wish you had remained a sweet memory to me, for now I know the truth that I cannot ignore.” He had gained the outside now, and strode over the gravel and as she ran to keep up.

“You chose to leave me, you ran from me, like I was a monster, and you never loved me as I loved you. You are duplicitous and manipulative, and you have fooled my heart well” he said coldly, reaching his horse.

“My love for you has cost me my home, my heart and nearly my sanity. I will not allow it to cost me anything more” he said, climbing up, and ignoring Rey, as she reached out for his arm. Atop his great horse, he looked down at her with the most betrayed expression, passion and accusation combined.

“I would have loved you a lifetime” his voice broke at the last, and Rey saw that he was not as angry as he was heartbroken. He lingered, his reluctance to leave and her reluctance to let him clear between them. She could only stare at him mutely. 

“You have nothing to say in our parting?” he asked at last, and she was sure the devastation on his face would stay with her always.  
“What can I say? I could tell you again that I love you, and that I shall never cease, but nothing I could say would recover what you have lost, and I cannot go with you, so we are at an impasse” She muttered miserably. He took up the reigns of his steed, the horse dancing under his control, with the tension of its master.

“Now, I know what is left in love’s wake..” he said quietly, dangerously almost. His eyes drinking their last fill of her.

“What?” she asked, her voice defeated.

“Hated… absolute” He delivered, with cold precision, and a certainty that chilled her, as he turned his mount, and spurred it onwards, his long overcoat flapping, black as night in the soft highland greens around him, gravel flying, as he and his horse disappeared along the cliffs, and from her life.

 

* * *

 

 

Rey did not leave her room the next day, too lost in tears and regret. She thought to go to Ben, chase after him and tell him she was mistaken, that no obligation could ever override the one her heart held toward him. Other times, she sat and stared out at the sea, and thought how better he was without her and how a love like theirs, was too impossible to imagine, and too great to carry. It was no longer a gift, but a burden, one that she would carry for them both, for the rest of her life. She thought of Bess, the poor girl trying to change her life, brutally taken by death, when her luck had only just changed. No, she knew of no answered prayers.

A soft knock sounded at her door, late into the evening, when she had sat at the window a long time, feeling her body grow weary and her heart tired. The door opened, and she was surprised to see Dopheld, leaning on his own against the wall, thin in his dressing robe and slippers. Simon hovered further along the passage way, watching with concern as he came into the room and collapsed into a chair as she rushed to help him.

“What are you doing alone? You shouldn’t waste your energy on coming to visit me, if you had sent for me, I would have come immediately” Rey said all in a rush, as his rapid breathing quieted slightly, and he relaxed back in the chair.

“I could feel you crying, and I couldn’t stand it one more moment, you will use up all the salt of the sea and still not be finished.” He said softly, as she sat beside him, drawing a warm blanket over his legs. He looked up at her, his dark brown eyes filled with worry.

“So, that was him”

“Who?”

“The man who haunts your thoughts, the one who holds your heart” he said gently.

“Am I wrong?” he pressed, as she shook her head.

“How did you know there was a man?”

“Because I know your heart, dear sister. It bleeds for someone, other than yourself or any of us. It longs for him, and now, it is shattered by him”

“No, I shattered it, myself. When I choose to leave him” Rey said.

“Not all choices are free ones, even though we may think they are. I hope you didn’t stay only because of us, your agreement to stay and marry me.”

“No, I didn’t. It was in large part, but it is for myself also. I feel myself part of a family, for the first time, and I don’t want to leave it, even for the man I love, especially when I know that loving me will only bring him hardship and suffering. It sounds very selfish, when I say it” she admitted.

“Selfish, and yet, you lie here and cry. It seems it was not without sacrifice.” He observed.

“He said he hated me, that hatred was all that was left, in the wake of love” she said, another tear falling down her cheek as she recalled Ben’s hardened words.

“And it upsets you, for you still love him so…” Dopheld said, as Rey nodded miserably.

“To be alone in this feeling, this bone deep affection, it is so very lonely” she said.

“Hate is not the opposite of love, dearest one. Ambivalence is. To hate, to love. Perhaps they are the sides of the same coin. It is to feel, and feel greatly. You are not alone. He is still with you” Dopheld said, as Rey leaned into his shoulder, the last of her tears, drying on her cheeks.

“We accept the love we feel we deserve, Reyna Mara Kenobi. And I am telling you, as a man who loves you too, that you deserve more than he planned to give you. And one day, when your heart has healed, the memory of this day will no longer make you feel only heart-crushing pain and guilt. One day, you will feel anger too, that this man sought to own you, and dictate your life, holding you hostage for love. One day, you will accept the love you should give yourself, and want more, demand more. Worry not, with our marriage soon approaching, afterwards, you have time, to find your place, to know your heart”

“You are good to me. I’m sorry” she said quietly, as she wiped her tears away, his words tugging her from her self-introspection to remember that Dopheld did not have the luxury of time, and she must seem as selfishness incarnate, to cry so to him.

“No need to be sorry, just, for my sake, stop being so terribly sad, I cannot bear it”

 .

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In White’s gentlemen’s club of Piccadilly, a lady of the night flinched back from the imposing figure who stood over her, removing his black leather gloves. Her eyes went to the skin of his hands, where it was mottled and run, like candle wax.

“I can dim the candle, my lord” she said, and flinched as his cold eyes found hers.  
“No. I wish to see you. Do not speak, except to call me by my name” he asked her, stripped off his shirt to reveal wide shoulders and a narrow waist, lean but wry.

“Lord Solo?”  
“No. I wish you to call me Ben” he said, stepping closer, as he reached one of those frightening hands toward her, winding into her shoulder length brown hair, before turning her away from him, so her face was hidden in the pillows, as he touched her body, whispering low and unintelligible things to her. She cried out at one point, unused to a client taking such time with her body, overcome with sensation.

“Call me by my name” he reminded her, never ceasing his movements, as she writhed below him.

“Ben! Ben….” She breathed hard, as she felt his hands tighten their grip on her.

“Good girl, that’s my good little scavenger” he said darkly. He started to push her harder, faster, a punishing rhythm, as she lost the ability to speak, to kneel, strength leaving her muscles as everything in her focused to the brutal and sharp point of pleasure that was building in her. His hands were bruising, biting and twisting her hips, his grunt a rough, animalistic sound. She attempted to turn, to pull him closer, and felt a heavy hand land on her neck, staying her, as he continued to move against her furiously.

“No moving, no running. Do as I say. You are mine” he said lowly, leaning closer over her back, his lips brushing her ear.

“Say you’re mine, Scavenger, say it”

“I’m yours” she grunted, as she reached her peak and clenched around him, a rare enough occurrence of a working evening. She felt him leave her, and weight draping over her back, as he reached his own release against her there. In the aftermath, in quiet panting, and the squeak of the old bed, she could make out one word, repeated over and over in a soft, pained pant.

_“Mine”_

 

* * *

  

When he left the chamber he had occupied with the wench, and returned down the stairs to White’s gaming floor, he had thought he might have felt better for longer. He had indulged his craving, when he had seen the harlot, standing above at the balustrade, in the dim lighting, she held more than a passing resemblance to the one who haunted his dreams.

But she had sounded wrong, and smelled of other men and poor hygiene. As was his habit, he imagined her as Rey, if she should never have met him, those long years ago, and the thought was a knife to his gut, even as lust awoke within him for the woman staring down at him, an inviting look in her eyes. He had finished his business with the woman, and paid her generously, averting his eyes, and leaving as fast as possible.

He was no stranger to bedding a woman, having bedded his first at the tender age of 17, on a trip to the city with his father. It sated a physical need, but stopped there. He always felt vaguely empty inside, following the act, and sorry, as though he had committed a terrible transgression against the woman who had received him. He paid them well, and he visited seldom, but still, it was another weight on his conscience.

“A great evening for gambling this one, amongst other pursuits” a low, aristocratic voice came to him from the far end of the bar. He sat down, and looked along to see an older gentleman, raising a glass to him.

“The gaming has become too rich for my blood this eve, I’m afraid” He replied, ordering a whiskey. He took a fortifying sip, and was surprised to see the older gent had moved closer, sitting beside him.

“Forgive me for the presumption, we haven’t been introduced, but there is an air about you that reminds me of an old acquaintance.”

“Who would that be?”

“Lord Han Solo of Corellia” Ben turned to face the man.

“You must have a good eye, for he was my father”

“You are very like him. Is he well?”

“I am afraid he passed away, a year ago”

“My condolences. He was an impressive man, a great ally, in a dangerous situation” Ben raised an inquisitive eyebrow to the older gent.

“We served together in the military, and I knew him in Corellia, when there were troubles, your father never flinched from putting them down, enforcing for his father with an iron fist” he said.

“Strange, I’ve never heard him described like that, I always thought he hated war”

“Of course, it was your grandfather, who really excelled at all things war”

“Skywalker? The legendary general” Ben mused.

“The very one”

“You knew him?”

“I knew him well, he was commander of my first company, I will never forget his bloodthirsty will to be victorious, at any cost – an impressive man” the older gent chuckled, and for some reason, it made the hair in Ben’s arm rise.

“You are very like him, in stature and strength”  
“Not in disposition I am afraid, I have never taken up my family’s commission, and am afraid I shall never distinguish myself in battle. My father and I fought over it often. I question the moral standing, in doing violence against innocents, in the name of someone else’s cause ” Ben said.

“Why, it is only through service that the mind set can be refined and educated. Many a young man feels that way, in these times. Going to a foreign land and fighting for your country, it clarifies the mind and strengthens the spirit. Upon return, you no longer fall victim to petty hurts and slights, you no longer look to others for validation or absolution. You are free” he said, with an eerie conviction to his words.

Ben was moved by his confidence in his opinion. To be a man, untouchable in his strength, not liable to be hurt or torn asunder by the lack of regard of others, his parents, Rey. It was in intriguing idea.

“I apologise, where are my manners. I have not introduced myself. My name is Sir Alexander Snoke, Admiral of the fleet, first Baronet of Dathomir”

“A pleasure to meet someone so distinguished in the practice of war, and knowing not only father, but grandfather as well. It is an honour.”

“No, young Solo, the honour is mine, and the timing is most fortuitous. A great war ship, under my command will set sail for the Iberian peninsula, a mere week from today. If you wish to take up your commission and distinguish yourself in combat, like your father and grandfather before you, I would welcome you aboard.”

Ben thought that in a week’s time, Rey would be married. He thought of ruined Alderaan House, and the ghost of his parents there. There was nothing left for him here anymore.  

“Your offer is an intriguing one, Baronet, I cannot help but admit it. But, I hold no training or value to add to your crew” he confessed.

“With your father’s daring and raw strength, and you grandfather’s indomitable will and military brain, you will flourish in the heat of battle, I am sure of it. It will be the making of you. The boy who leaves here, will return a changed man. Mark my words.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Non virgin Ben  
> I wish I could do virgin Ben, but I just didn't find it realistic in the context of the story, and with the age gap. If they were similar ages, I would go for it, but he's 10 years older, and a wealthy nobleman, with a philandering father. I just don't think it would be possible. I don't think he's had much satisfaction from these encounters, but at this point, doesn't really realise there is anything else out there that could be better, apart from his brushes with Rey
> 
> Snoke - some of you called him coming... I just cannot imaging achieving a canonically dark Ben, without that man's influence. He had to be there in some fashion. I toyed with making him female, and having a Hellfire club style story, but struggled to make it fit with Ben/Kylo Ren character, as I see him.  
> He is driven by a deeper purpose, he feels it is 'right' to do what he is doing (bring order to the galaxy/protect his country), though the actions despicable and wrong, the violence and death, because he feels it is for the greater good... he is very earnest and true. I couldn't imagine him just behaving like a bad boy, and thinking it a justified life. Kylo Ren is religious nut level dedicated to his higher cause, so I felt war had more of a similar feel. 
> 
> Dathomire - because its creepy and mysterious like Snoke, and has an English Regency type sound (well, as much as any SW words can)
> 
> Baronet - a more lowly English title, and one often achieved through military excellence, such as a knighthood
> 
> I hope you guys still find Rey relatable here... she's very confused. She loves him and wants him, but is afraid of her mother's story and knows in her better judgement that it is not a good idea, plus, adding to it she has this new responsibility to Kanata's, who only want to provide for her, and have accepted her into their strange little family. 
> 
> Let me know how you like their confrontation!!


	14. Chapter 14

 

Her bouquet was wild flowers and thistles, tied by a purple ribbon. Her hair was loose on her shoulders. The ceremony was swift, and Dopheld seemed to keep surprising strength, only showing his true exhaustion when they were alone once more. He would do all he could to ensure that the inheritance could withstand a challenge.

They ate a lavish dinner, with people from the town invited to the castle. Many a soul ate and drank with them, without curiosity or reprimand at the lack of formality. It confirmed to Rey that it was not only the little family she had found at Dunbeath castle that were a little out of the ordinary, but the entire village too.

Dopheld watched the proceedings, laughing and drinking, clapping Rey onwards when she danced her first Scottish reel in company.

That evening, when all had departed, she watched Simon help her new husband into bed, as she hovered nearby.

“Away to bed, new wife. You were beautiful today, more than I deserved” he said, with a tired smile.

And so, her first night of her married, life, Rey lay in her cool bed, alone, her arms wrapped around her waist, with slow, hot tears falling silently. She did not regret her choice. And yet, there was another world, where she imagined she lay in the arms of another man, the one her heart still yearned for with all its strength. In that marital bed, there was no loneliness or cold. She pressed her face into the pillow, and whispered his name, her longing a palpable thing, devastating and adamant. It could not be ignored.

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Aboard the HMS Supremacy, Ben found new purpose, as he worked as he never had in his life before. It was a jarring adjustment, even as an officer. He quickly found his body was lacking in strength and stamina and his mind unused to the long periods of solitude, and the expectation of following orders, unchallenged. Though the Army was considered the most suitable occupation for men of noble birth, his father’s commission and grandfathers before that was in the Navy. Great ships sailing through unmeasured space was in his blood.

When they arrived at Iberia, it was almost exciting in the beginning. There was a sense of comradery and friendship amongst the men, a feeling of expectation and excitement to prove their worth and metal on the battlefield. He saw Admiral Snoke often, the elder man seeming to take an interest in him, despite his low rank and lack of experience.

This feeling of excitement soon dissipated with his first battle.

The first time he stared down the enemy, he had felt startled and unsure in the heat of charge, with men fighting on all sides and gun shots sounding around, he had darted and dogded, lashing out with the butt end of his rifle, finding his height a great advantage.

It felt wrong to inflict such damage on a stranger, but a near miss with a sword had him reconsidering. A great ship, as large and fearsome as their own had drawn alongside them, and it fairly swarmed with the opposition. After the two huge vessels had drawn close, suddenly, men were leaping aboard the Supremacy, with serious intent.

He somehow managed the battle without delivering a killing blow, and swayed exhausted after the company as they retreated. Back aboard the ship, the bloodied beach left behind, he had only longed for quiet, to try and force the awful images from his head. He saw few struggling as he had aboard, he was one of the newest to the crew. The rest seemed jovial, flush with survivors victory. As they celebrated, he retreated to his bunk alone.

In the swaying dark, he could not stop staring at his hands, covered in blood. Snoke had found him there, and taken him to the captain’s quarters. He had poured him a generous measure of strong spirits, and told him that he had performed well for his first fight. He then told him that next time, he would need to do more, to aid his cause further, and not merely wound or knock out, but end the men trying to end him. He told him to fail to do so was practically cowardice that could brand him traitorous.

 

It had been two days until their next engagement, and this time, they went to the beaches, stinking sand and course salt in the air and Snoke had been by his side. It was usual for an admiral to leave his vessel, but Snoke was insistent on being by the side of his men, despite advancing age and frailty.

The first time he killed a man, he had been caught in his dying gaze for long, agonising minutes afterward. His sabre sank between ribs, into his adversary like his body was no more than soft butter, until a certain point, where it bounced hard against his spine, the jarring of the bone shaking up Ben’s arm. The man had clutched his arm as he went down, whispering in pained French. Ben could not forget the surprise in his green eyes, as he finally went still. He had felt faint in the aftermath, the roaring in his ears not only the rifle rapport that surrounded him, but something internal too. The mourning howl of innocence lost. 

It became easier, the more often he did it, under his mentor’s encouragement. Soon, he was one of the men trailing the beach, and making sure they had been no enemy survivors. No quarter. No prisoners. Soon, he stopped looking in their eyes, or pausing at all, when they fell to his sabre or rifle. He merely moved to the next, cutting, slashing, shooting. Snoke praised his prowess, as he ascended ranks quickly. It seemed he had found his talent after all, written in his blood, his family legacy. He was good at killing. Perhaps Rey had been correct to fear him, perhaps she had seen beneath his mask. He seemed to make a good monster, after all.

 

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1808

 

“Lady Kanata, may I suggest the Chinese silk cloth, it is hand painted” a polite voice enquired, as Rey looked hopeless at the display before her. The seamstress who was looking after her must have been quite disappointed to be called to wait upon a Duchess, who it seemed, had little affinity for fashion, or inclination to learn.

She smiled at the lady and nodded obligingly, watching her handle the delicate fabric.

She was in London, and after so long in the fresh clean air of Dunbeath, she thought she might be suffocating. Dopheld would attend a physician in the city, and they had decided to bring him there, instead of sending for the doctor to Scotland. They might keep his condition more secret, that way, Maz determined.

And so, a fine journey they had made, servants, nobility and Rey. They had taken twice as long as they might without Dopheld, and Rey had treasured every moment. While the carriage was uncomfortable, and swayed horribly, she had a window seat, and she looked out near constantly. She saw a world of difference as they rode down past Edinburgh and Newcastle, crossing over a high mountain into England. Down further past small towns and villages, always stopping short of actually entering any of the large industrial cities of the North, shying away from the noise and crowd.

When they reached the outskirts of London, Rey felt a damper descend on her. The city of her birth and her mother’s demise. The place of her toil and torment as dirty river rat, returned a Marchioness. It defied belief, and yet, as she stood in the renowned dressmakers, she couldn’t deny it. Assistants attended the seamstress, who attended Rey. Maz pursued catalogues of pretty drawings in the corner, every inch the Dowager Duchess, back in the city of her youth.

She meant to show Rey off, parade her around, along with her new title, though Rey knew not if any of these things would help. When Dopheld died, she would find out what provisions he had provided for her, and through her, for the rest of his unorthodox family. Following that, she would see how much the new Duke, Lord Armitage Hux, would be willing to provide of that provision.

The shop they attended was located in Covent Garden, the very same shop that Maz had attended with her mother as a young woman. She preferred it over the more upscale dressmakers that had moved to Mayfair in her absence.

“Following this, we have an appointment with Waithman and Sons on Fleet Street”

“I hope you have brought a footman to accompany you so close to the prison, My Lady” the seamstress said to Maz, who nodded sagely.

“Yes of course” she said, watching Rey look about the stuffed shop, her hands trailing over ribbons of all hues and sized, buttons and broaches, lace and net, with a lost expression on her face.

“Lady Kanata, Duchess of Takodana must have the very best, her husband would accept nothing less.” She announced airily, and Rey bit her lip to avoid smiling. Maz must have wanted a life on the stage when she was a girl so convincing was she in her role.

Simon complained the entire journey to the next place they were to attend, worried about the sort of people who might come into contact with them there.

“Old Jock who has never met a drink he did not fancy, nor a light skirt he didn’t love, attended the reception at home, and you never said a word about people of the right sort then” Maz teased him, and he reddened.

“There is a difference between a harmless old country squire, and _murderers_ and _thieves_ ” he hissed, before pulling back and replacing his customary expression of distained sufferance.

“But you my lady will do what is best, I am sure” he muttered, as Maz smiled at Rey wickedly.

“Indeed, we shall, come along, daughter of mine, for we must secure you the very best shawls money can buy” Rey bit down her internal groan at the words, having already exhausted her fortitude for shopping. She wondered where Maz got her energy from, at her age, for the never-ending parade of similar looking fabrics, in similar looking shapes.

 

Inside, their business seemed to last an eternity. She felt a headache coming on, as Maz requested to look at the brocade one last time, and indicated to her that she had to get some air.

Stepping outside onto the street, a disapproving Simon by her side, Rey took a deep breath, and grimaced. If the air in London could be considered fresh, she did not know. It was crowded with people and beasts, and the air reflected it.

A small printer’s shop across the way caught her eye and she went to cross the street.

“My lady!” Simon called, hurrying after her as she caught up her skirts and briskly crossed. The little shop had a bell that rang as she pushed it open, and she was already inside and browsing the titles, when Simon caught up with her.

“Lady Rey – really, this is a dangerous sort of place to go running off” he said quietly, worry straining his brow.

“I apologise, I just couldn’t stand there a moment longer, the dirt and smell, and I’d rather be knocked down by a carriage than return to the shop” she said as she walked along row after row of books. After a few moments, Simon followed her.

“Your grace, I must return to see if Lady Mazarine has finished, she might await us alone” he said with concern.  
“Of course, I will accompany you” Rey said, feeling chastised as she turned to follow him. As they reached the front, she heard the tread of someone on the rough-hewn boards, and the sudden sound of something falling, and glass breaking.

“Rey?” came a voice straight from her memories, held dear for so long, unforgotten, even after the long years between them. She turned slowly, her eyes fixing on a man who was a stranger really, with only a whisper of familiarity about him, in his features, a boy she used to know so well.

“Finn?”

“Is it – can it be you?” he continued, his shock mirroring her own. She stared at him, happy tears forming in her eyes.

“It is me, can it be you?” she asked back, as they both stepped closer to each other.

“I cannot believe it!” Finn suddenly exclaimed, reaching out and hugging her impulsively.

“Your grace!!” Simon gasped, and was instantly between them, pushing his old frail body against the man who had manhandled her. She laughed, and patted his arm.

“Be at ease, Simon, he is an acquaintance, from when I lived in the city” she explained, and Simon continued to look between them, pained.

“I know, it is not proper, and I apologise. I quite forgot myself in all the excitement.” She said, trying to sooth his feathers. She felt guilty, they were trying to establish her reputation, and she acted without thought. She was overcome with happiness, however, too much to hold inside.

“Your grace?” Finn questioned, his expressive eyebrows arching over his handsome brow. He had become handsome indeed, Rey observed, her lips curving in a smile toward her oldest friend.

“That – is a long story. I do hope you can join us? Or call on us?”

“I must finish my deliveries, but I could call later in the afternoon? If you..  I mean, I know not what I have discovered here, but something tells me that you don’t reside in Cheap Side any longer” he said, eyeing her dress and reticule.

“I will tell you all, this afternoon. We reside at 5 Berkley Square, the Kanata house.” she said, as Finn nodded slowly.

“Is it – I mean, it is alright to visit you there?” he asked, and Rey nodded emphatically. There was only so much she could say outside, but within the walls of the townhouse, she planned to tell Finn her whole story, and hear his.

“I cannot wait” she said, with a last smile, before she had to follow Simon, who was practically clucking with worry over the impropriety of it all, waving good bye to Finn.

 

* * *

 

 

“He sounds a fine young man, and I cannot believe the luck that would see you reunited after all this time. Perhaps there is a mysterious and divine purpose in this world after all” Maz said, as their carriage made its way back from the streets of the city toward Berkley Square.

“I hope Dopheld will be happy to meet him, he is – we grew up together in Niima” Rey said.

“My son sees not class but character, worry not, sweet child. If he has your testimony, he will have his regard.” Maz reassured her. Rey let her mind drift back over the encounter, how Finn had looked. He had been charming, as always and smiling and well. But he was thin, as many men who work too hard and eat to little are apt to be. His clothes were worn, but well kept, threadbare in places. She wondered where he resided now, and what opportunities he had found in the city.

“How will I leave him here, after we have only just found each other? We leave in a week’s time, and it seems too cruel” Rey murmured, as she stared out the window.

“Perhaps he has a family, children, here in the city?” Maz enquired and Rey shook her head immediately.

“I do not think so. He was never overly interested in… female company, as strange is it might sound” She said, her cheeks colouring as Maz fixed her with a knowing look.

“Nothing is strange in that, dear girl, but then again, you have barely been out in society, so would not know. At any rate, he was only young when you parted. I suspect you will discover much of each other, now as adults. If he does not have a particular attachment to the city, he might consider some country air. It does wonders for the constitution. I wonder if he has ever considered service? A coachman would be most valuable addition to the family” Maz was saying.

Rey stared at her, her mouth agape with surprise.

“What are you saying?” she finally asked, the hope in her heart already too bright to quash.

“I am saying, dearest girl, instead of missing him terribly when we leave that we should take him with us”

.

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“Commander Solo, Admiral Snoke requires you below” Ben nodded, getting to his feet, feeling the weight of the last month settle back on his shoulders, as he made his way through the ship.

Snoke awaited him in a lower room, dimly lit.

“We are at war proper, it seems, Commander Solo. Our sojourn here will not be ending any time soon, in fact, we may well be advancing further into Iberia, Sir Arthur will decide. We will travel as a company, the men can take what they will as we progress, do not challenge them on it. Spirits must be kept high” Snoke said, as Ben nodded sharply.

“We will also maintain provision lines, I assume”

“Yes, of course, but that is not what I speak of. Food and drink certainly bolster the spirit but are hardly the most heartening. I speak to company” Snoke said, as Ben felt his conscience twinge.

“Women, girls, boys, if they have a mind to. This land is in the grip of a war for domination, and its people are forfeit until there is someone to claim them” Snoke said, and Ben swallowed hard.

“Does that bother you?” Snoke said, suddenly noticing Ben’s clenched fists.   Ben did not reply for a long moment, but finally, knowing he must, replied.

“Yes, Admiral”

“So, you are not opposed to killing someone, ending their life forever – but rape offends you?” Snoke said.

“I do not kill for pleasure, I kill out of necessity and cause.”

“You do not view physical comfort or companionship a necessity? How very odd” Snoke almost sneered at him. Ben shifted uncomfortably. It was not the first time his morals had made him feel set apart from the crew of the Supermacy, but it was the first time Snoke was challenging him on it.

“I do not equate rape with companionship, with respect, Admiral” Ben said truthfully.

“There is much you do not know of the world. I feel for you, my boy, I do. I see much of myself in you” the elder man said, as he stood and approached Ben.

“There was a time when small hurts took toll on me, when the realities of my position, and the world we inhabit were cruel teachers to me. There is much to learn of the will of men, and the need for power and dominance. There is a force there, in these acts, that is impossible to resist, once you have tasted it. To be feared, I learned, is better than to be loved. To take is mightier than to be given. It is only by stepping from our moral framing do we perceive the world in all its truth. I can help you” Snoke said.

“How?” Ben asked, nerves like snakes springing up in his belly. Snoke considered him a long moment, before turning to a partition Ben had hardly noticed.

He pulled it aside, and Ben was surprised to see a man there, and overly relieved it was not some poor woman. The man was tied up and gagged, wearing the enemy’s uniform.

“We caught this man spying on our operation. He knows much, but refuses to talk. It would be a boon to know who he is reporting to, and where his men are camped.” Snoke said. He looked to Ben, and held out a blade, small, but wickedly sharp.

“This is no mere pleasure, but war time necessity, it should placate your conscience.” Ben took the knife, frowning at his mentor, anxiety blossoming inside him.

“Your task, Commander Solo, is to make him talk”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Urgh - war stuff. I am no historian, and will try my best to keep away from any major mistakes, but some things, I just don't have time to try and research. 
> 
> Ben has joined the Peninsula War of 1807-1814, when UK allied with Portugal and Spain (eventually) against French invasion. Again, I'm only going by a small amount of research, so I hope I don't go too wrong, anyway, its not the focus. 
> 
> Titles - very confusing - I read somewhere that Admiral was more used in US Navy, but couldn't work out what UK equivalent would be at that time, so just went with it. Same with Commander, I am not sure if he could be a man with a title to be a Commander (as in someone who purchased a commission, took up a family legacy position) or a Commodore... but again, was taking too much time to figure out. Also, I think he might have had a batman of some kind with him, but it wasn't called that then, and I had already written him alone, so just decided to leave it. 
> 
> Hopefully these errors aren't too jarring!
> 
> Thank you so much for the lovely feedback and speculation)) I'm now going to abandon research and double down on getting this thing written.


	15. Chapter 15

 

Finn had fit into life in Dunbeath seamlessly. Arte was half in love with him and Bobby worshiped him, having secured himself a new idol. Dopheld was happy to have another, young and lively mind around to converse with. Simon taught Finn as much of being a coachman as he could muster and Finn quickly surpassed his teacher.

Rey would never forget when he had called at Berkley Square, the afternoon after they had found each other. He had stood nervously in the centre of the room, twisting his cap in his hands.

When Rey had entered, alone, he had relaxed, and over tea, poured by Rey herself, she had heard his story. He had worked at the supplier’s for the mill the entire time, now delivering bits and pieces for the machines. The business has expanded to provide parts for the printing presses too, which is why he had been in the shop that day, which ran a small press in it’s basement. He had been able to learn a little reading and writing, and hoped one day to pull himself up to take over the endeavour, but had been losing heart. The owner was a drunk, and rarely fulfilled orders on time, or to a standard. Finn had been considering leaving his employ, before he had seen Rey again. It seemed increasingly like a kind twist of fate that had brought them together at that same point in time.

Rey told Finn of all that had happened to bring her to Dunbeath, leaving nothing out. She told him of Ben, and the frightening feelings she had harboured for him. She told him of Dopheld, and his intention to provide for her, the only way he could, and of his kind and compassionate heart.

They talked long into the evening. When it came, Maz herself arrived in the parlour to invite Finn to stay to supper. He had been astounded, when the Duke and Duchess of Takodana had simply sat down with him, Rey by his side, and eaten all together.

Afterward, Rey had extended her offer, to come away from the city with them, and have a job, a good one, tending the horses on the estate, and driving Maz occasionally. Finn would not take her charity, but a position, a well-paid and respected one, he would accept.

 

The only low truly low point of her visit to London, was when they were invited to dine with Lady Phasma, and Lord Hux.

They had informed them of their stay in town, for if Hux was not to know of it, there was no point in the whole exercise.

The invite was expected, but dreaded, and when it came, it was to muted reception.  

Maz and Rey dressed for dinner, in all their finery, Rey uncomfortable with the clothes and the expectations. She had been studying under Simon, the proper etiquette required to dine with gentry properly, how to address them as their current better, being now higher in rank than they were.  It all made her incredibly uncomfortable.

They were invited to a dinner at the Hux house, which another family would be attending, and arrived on time, looking rather splendid, Rey thought. Dopheld was also attending, using a crutch to walk, and they went slowly, with all the pretence of ease.

In the parlour, before supper, Rey met the other family who had been invited to dinner. They were Americans and fantastically wealthy according to Maz, but untitled. They were named Tico, and had two daughters, Rose and Paige. Rey took an instant liking to the warm girls, who looked just as spooked as she did about the terribly sombre and strained atmosphere of the house. The mansion the dinner was held in was dark and almost gothic. Many a wall was lined with family portraits, and there was a stillness in the air that seemed to supress even the bubbly Tico girls.

Lady Catherine was a revelation to Rey. She was taller than any man Rey had met, except Ben, of course. She wore eyeglasses around her neck, and used them often to peer at people as they spoke, something she had never seen in the higher classes, for how bookish they looked, and certainly not in the lower, for they were too expensive.

She conversed with strong opinions, and challenged Mr Tico on his industry knowledge and political leanings, before supper.

“My, do be careful my dear, we will all require our smelling salts at this rate” her mother reprimanded, while Maz smiled eagerly.

“No, I am happy to hear such educated opinions, you are opening my eyes to many an issue, Lady Catherine”

“And mine also” Mr Tico said gracefully, as though he had not been lectured to for the best part of an hour.

“Look at Lord Hux… he seems frightfully bored” Rose Tico whispered to Rey, as they sat side by side on a settee after dinner. Rey was still recovering from the ordeal of using the correct cutlery, and keeping up feminine conversation with each of her dinner partners, which had been draining to say the least. She had felt Hux’s speculative gaze on her more than once, and was sure that this was some sort of test, which he expected her to fail.

“I assure you, I am not bored, Miss Tico, simply lacking something sufficiently enticing to engage myself with” he said, suddenly pining both of them with a hard blue stare. Rey felt judgement in that look, and looked away sharply. Rose seemed to find the look an insult also, as she practically bristled beside her.

“Well, I was always taught that to be bored, is to be boring… and to lack sufficient enticement to engage, is to have nothing intelligent or interesting to say on matter” Rose said quietly, and Rey tensed, afraid of Hux’s reaction to such an inflammatory statement.

“Ah yes, this would be an American education, I presume?” he drawled, not in the least drawn out by her scandalous insult. She narrowed her eyes at him.

“That is no difficult matter to presume. I am American”

“Mores the pity. If you had grown up England, within civilised society, you would understand the ways of the ton properly” he sniffed dismissively, but there was something to his stare, a challenge that Rey detected.

“I suppose I may have my own opinion on the matter” Rose said, colour rising in her cheeks.

Hux inclined his head indulgently, as though the opinion of a female was allowed, but not encouraged.

“If a person’s conversation does not draw you in, and they make no attempt to include you, perhaps the fault lies in you and your propensity to offer a substandard contribution.”

Hux stared at the diminutive Tico, his eyes narrowing a little dangerously.

“Your meaning, Miss Tico”

“Be more interesting, Lord Hux. Perhaps you can lure some friends to claim” Rose finished with a sweet smile, while Hux sat abruptly up, clearly offended. She looked to Dopheld, who was conversing with the elder Ticos still, relieved that his cousin’s embarrassment had been limited to only her ears.

“Dopheld, Mr Tico, I would show you the table telescope we have acquired. It is quite fascinating.” He said stiffly, throwing a last, hot look at Rose, before leaving. Rey helped her husband stand, and gave him his walk stick to aid his path.

 

Once the men had departed, she sat down and looked to Rose.

“That was quite scandalous, Miss Tico, I hope you haven’t made an enemy there, I suppose Lord Hux’s wrath could be formidable” she teased lightly, her eyes straying to Lady Catherine’s face, still unsure of the intelligent, outspoken original.

“Worry not, my brother does appreciate a lively wit, and a strong backbone” she murmured, as she took a sip of port.

“Besides, it has been too long since he was challenged thoroughly. Though I am afraid you may have struck close to the bone. His dear friend has been abroad, engaged in the peninsula war these last years, and he has ceased to hear from him.” Rey barely had time to ponder who she might mean, when she looked directly at Rey.

“My brother tells me you were Lady Leia Solo’s lady’s maid, before your fortuitous marriage to my cousin” she said. Rey froze under that icy stare. The Tico sisters cast glances at each other. Maz and their mother were deep in conversation, and had not noticed the turmoil that had descended over her. She swallowed hard, and Catherine’s face softened to the slightest degree.

“I apologise, I did not mean it to be a calling to account. I merely wished to tell you, how much I admired your mistress. She was a great woman” her words lifted the tension from them all. Rey smiled, a genuinely warm one.

“Yes, she was wonderful. I miss her, and think of her often” she agreed.

“Catherine! Can you come here, for a moment dear?” Her mother called, and she left in a swish of expensive skirts. Rey looked guilty to Rose.

“I apologise, you must think me manipulative to not have confessed by origins sooner.” She said quietly. The two girls exchanged looked.

“Whatever for? That is none of our business, I’m sure” Paige said. Rey smiled a little nervously at them.

“That is a very unorthodox opinion.”

“Well, never let it be said that the Tico sisters are ordinary, how very boring, that would be” Rose teased.

“You were a lady’s maid?” Paige asked, her face only showing genuine interest. Rey nodded.

“Yes, and an orphan before that, like many you’d see, I suppose, around the city”

“That is incredible!” Rose gasped, moving closer and clutching Rey’s hand.

“You comport yourself so effortlessly, and so appropriately. I cannot believe you weren’t born to this life.”  
“I try hard, to act as one in my position should” she said. Rose nodded.

“Well, I must commend you. It is working, for we should never had known differently” Rey caught Catherine’s mother’s eye then, her scathing glance, and felt her cheeks flush. Perhaps the bright and cheerful Tico’s could not tell the difference, but the cold ladies of the ton certainly could and Rey couldn’t forget that.

“You know, our father was in trade, still is, and started as a labourer’s apprentice, while our mother was a monthly nurse” Paige said, laying Rey further at ease with them.

“I know this is forward, but I think we should be friends. Forget this stiff upper lip acquaintance rubbish.” Rose said suddenly, in a collusive whisper, as she snatched up Rey’s hand. Rey felt her heart warm at her candour and directness.  

 “I should like that greatly” she said quietly, as they all watched Catherine return. She sat down and looked expectantly over the company, and Rey and Rose’s clasped hands.

“We were just discussing how we are going to be great friends, and form a society of singular and unique women, celebrating female friendship” Rose announced. Rey felt her eyes brows shoot up. It was one thing to be daring and controversial with her, a former lady’s maid with little to no influence in society, but Lady Catherine was another matter. She stared at the three women.

“How very interesting. Lady Leia would undoubtedly have approved” she said finally, and laughed a little, startling Rey, for it was the first time she had heard the sound issue from her lips.

“Well, just because we are here to hunt husbands, does not mean we must lose out on the opportunity to make new friends” Paige agreed with her sister. Catherine’s eyebrows rose high.

“I must confess, being around American’s is terribly unpredictable, I can never seem to prepare myself for what you will say next” Catherine said, and then, with a shyer look than Rey might have ever expected from such a reserved lady, she continued.

“I should like to be a part of our group. I should like to converse with friends and not be the most scandalous person at the table” she confessed. Rose laughed heartily at that.

“Worry not over that! Lady Catherine, you are the ideal of propriety! Our etiquette tutor would adore you”

“I do not know if you are right, it isn’t seemly, for a woman to discuss certain subjects, or express her mind too freely in the presence of gentlemen. It is not proper”

“Of course not, for it wouldn’t do to appear more intelligent than our learned betters, would it… even if you are” Rey said, giving Catherine a tentative smile. She was wary of her, given the situation with Dopheld, but there was something about Catherine, a straightforwardness that made Rey believe she would not mislead her. As the Tico sisters fell into conversation about the great many things in which they knew more about than the gentlemen at home, Rey turned to Catherine.

“Lady Catherine, I hope you do not harbour suspicion of me, or think I have ill intent toward your cousin”

“I confess, before this evening, I knew not what to think. I had not seen my cousin for many years, and could not imagine his health or state of mind. Seeing him tonight, I am able to better inform an opinion.”

“I thought you might have concern over my….”

“Character? I think not. To care for my cousin, as you do, and for him to care for you, is testimony enough. He is the clearest judge of character I have ever encountered. Tonight, he looks well, and in full possession of all his faculties. My fears are abated.”

“And your brother's?”

“His fears centre more on our late father’s expectations, and monetary concerns, than love.” Rey startled at the word, aware that Catherine was watching her reaction.

“You do love my cousin, do you not?” she asked, and Rey found herself nodding.

“Yes, I know it is sudden and unexpected, but I do love him” she said, thinking then of how love can be many things. It could be warm and comforting, the embrace of family and the feeling of safety and understanding, and it could be possessive and dark, all-encompassing and passionate. She did love Dopheld, in the same way she loved Maz, and had loved Finn before any of them. Of the latter type of love, she had only loved one man, and he would never speak to her again.

“I don’t suppose your brother will approve of us being friends” Rey said at last, as the men had re-entered the drawing room.

“We can keep it secret from him, if you wish?” she suggested, and Catherine shot her an amused look.

“Where would be the amusement in that?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ben woke with a cry on his lips. He had been dreaming of the fire of Alderaan House, but instead of Wokesly and Dameron pulling him out, he saw himself, pulling in the faceless bodies of the enemy and stacking them high to burn. He kept going and collecting more, the pile reaching almost to the ceiling of the study.

When he awoke, he could still smell the acrid fire, and taste the unpleasant scent of roast flesh, turning his stomach, and baiting it at the same time.

There was a muffled scream from below, and Ben glanced at the door, ready to stand. He listened and heard another, and the sound of something being dragged.

They had brought women on broad again. He swallowed down bile as he sat ridged on the edge of his bunk, his hands clench on the hard wooden side. He had his own quarters now, but he knew other of the crew, in the main hold, had found girlfriends at port, some willing, other not, and brought them on the ship.

Snoke had made it clear he was not to speak on the subject, or let his judgement show. He had compared it to mutiny, which, while ridiculous, was sobering. Ben swung his legs back upon the bunk. He felt as though there was less of him, lying there than had been the night before, and less again than the night before that. He tried to remember what it had felt like to be a complete man, untarnished by the horrors of combat, and couldn’t. Every day that passed, every act that he carried out against another stranger in the name of King and country, even time Snoke took him aside to “help” him, another piece of him fell to darkness so complete, it felt forever lost.

His memories of more innocent times seemed to dim, as though he were looking at them through a glass, as though they were someone else’s, and had never really belonged to him after all. He wondered if there was anything that had ever really belonged to him.

The memories of Rey lasted the longest, her smile, the line of her neck and arch of her palm, running up into her slender wrist.

He thought of the women below, and pushed Rey from his mind, curling up on his bunk, pressing his head between his hands. He would not evoke her image here, even in comfort. This was a hellish place, made real on earth, and only devils could walk it unscathed.

 

 He slowly became aware of the difference between the crew of the Supremacy and other ships. Other crews were worried by the battles, though hardened by combat. They did not celebrate, and there was no dark revelry. He started to realised that Snoke was not merely respected amongst his crew, he was revered, as a king, or worse.

A god.

Snoke was the only Admiral to leave his ship, to participate in the blood shed that occurred below when necessary, and Ben started to gain insight into the enigmatic man… he enjoyed it.

Other companies were afraid of the Supremacy crew, and Ben saw why, gradually, little by little, over time. They were the only ship to take prisoners, none who ever left to tell the tale. They were interrogated in secret, often by Ben, under Snoke’s watchful gaze. It was there he learned the intimacy of inflicting pain.

The relationship it created, an instant bond, in the slow minutes of absolute concentration and focus. Pain clarified, as Snoke had taught him. He found it to be true, whether inflicting it, or receiving it. The torture was a horror, that muted over time, as though constant exposure to the worse of humanity’s crimes was able to make him numb to it. Torture and killing, listening to women’s sobs through the floors of his quarters. He felt his heart, turn to stone.

Rising fast through the ranks of the Supremacy crew brought him a dark reputation, one that he earned, every day, as little pieces of him were lost to darkness. He was an efficient killer, a butcher at turns and master swordsman at others. His killing was varied and done with aplomb. He stopped trying to rein in his disgust and anger, and instead used them as fuel. His body strengthened, towering over others in height and breadth, long reach and fast reflexes making him dangerous to all. He became a machine of death, that could be deployed and wielded by those in authority. He followed his orders, his conscience has long since ceased to try and question him. To question his actions was to go slowly mad.

He injured his shoulder, an oozing rot took hold, though he was still able to fight. The sweet smell of decay followed him a while, and he would never forget the aroma, even after it had healed.

He fancied, as the months passed, that he could still smell it, and yet there was no infection on his body. He thought it was his soul that was rotting, a putrid stink. He started to only think in anger of the people he had once held affection for. His father, who had abandoned him at a young age, giving up his feeble attempts to maintain a relationship. His mother, who had given all her love to that same man, and left only scraps for him.

Rey, whose betrayal still made his blood burn and fizzle in his veins. He thought of her near constantly, what her expression would be, as he cut down a man and turned to her, face sprayed with heart blood. As he cut intricate patterns into another’s skin and spilled his secrets out, along with his guts.

He wondered how she would like the monster whose seed she had planted.

If he survived this hell, he vowed to himself that one day, he would find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good Sunday all!
> 
> Thanks for comments lovelies)) This time apart is hard, so I kind of want to get it over with quickly... 
> 
> Ben gets worse... Rey makes friends... It a bit self-indulgent for Rey to have a little friend group, but I love ladies supporting ladies, and in this case, they are kind of the odd ones out in usual society, so I feel like they could be friends together. 
> 
> Side ships emerging... can you guess what there are ;)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings!! Graphic battle/war condition descriptions, - true to history and super depressing If you want to read more about it, search The Battle of Corunna.
> 
> If you wish to avoid, don't read anything after the 1809 time stamp until "He didn't know how long passed"

  

In the years following the wedding, Dopheld’s strength appeared to have stabilised, and fared well, from a new treatment for the humours of the body. Not well enough to go for long walks or go into the village, he often kept Rey company while she gardened or cooked. Together they read to Bobby in the library, as summer passed, and winter drew quickly in.

She spent long nights before the fire, speaking with Maz and Dopheld about her childhood, telling Finn of Alderaan House and sometimes, about Ben.

They played cards together and music sometimes, danced around and other times, read books in solitude, side by side. She gradually stopped crying into her empty sheets over the man she had left, the man she had not chosen.

She thought about writing to Mrs Holdo, and enquiring after him, to check he was alright, but knew that no answer she received could satisfy her.

As Finn became a proficient driver, they took Dopheld on short trips over the country side, and picnicked in the soft Scottish mountain grass, drinking from streams and hunting haggis, like children. During one of these times, as they spoke about nothing in particular and everything under the sun, Finn had nudged Dopheld’s foot, looking for a new way to tease Rey, as he was wont to do.

“Have you ever had the pleasure of meeting the man who chased Rey up here?”

“Finn!” Rey had protested weakly, unwilling to evoke Ben, before her husband. Even though they had never even kissed, and their relationship was more of siblings, it still seemed wrong.

“No, I was not present at their – discussion, we shall call it, and that is being kind about it. No gentleman should converse with a lady so”

“I was not a lady, and anyway, it was not formal between him and I. I had known him since I was a girl.”  
“And yet, there was little of a sibling dynamic in your interaction” Dopheld reminded her.

“I did not meet him, but I do know off him” Dopheld continued. Rey looked to him sharply.

“You do?”

“Yes, Maz was well acquainted with his mother, Lady Leia. They were of similar age and consequence. They knew each other quite well, in their coming out days. If I hadn’t grown up here in Dunbeath, Benjamin Solo and I may have been playmates in London.” He said and Rey shuddered to imagine it. For some reason the thought of the two men who would prove to have shaped her life so dramatically, being acquainted, or even friends, made her feel unsettled.

“Lord Hux told me of him, they are indeed close.” Dopheld said, and Rey thought of how she had first met the red-headed man who was now her cousin.

“He took up his family commission in the Navy. Departed for the peninsular war, a few years ago” he said matter-of-factly, even as Rey’s face paled, and her hand gripped the basket she packed so hard with creaked. She felt worry heighten within her, an anxiety that was spiralling and knew no end. She could easily fall into it then, as she stared at her husband.

“I see he is still with you” he remarked quietly, and even though there was no reprimand there, Rey pushed herself to standing, and wrapped her arms around her waist. She walked a little distance off, her mind already imagining Ben in combat, on distant shores, perhaps hurt, perhaps dead. She felt like crying and only the watchfulness of her friends prevented it. She returned quickly, and made a show of regarding the sky, a worried expression upon her face.

“I think our luck will change, and we ought to start back, lest we get stuck in a mire” she said, picking up the picnic things. It was a testament to how they cared for her, that they uttered no resistance, despite sunny, clear skies and simply complied with her request.

Later, it was a testament to how she cared for them, that she made it through the return journey, dinner and cards in the parlour, before succumbing to her bed and her tears in private, when it felt as if her chest had caved in.

 

* * *

 

 

As the year drew close to its end, all thoughts were pushed from her head by the sudden worsening of Dopheld.

One morning, he slept longer than usual, and felt tired all day. That night, he was moaning from pain, far past midnight, and the entire house clustered around the room, watching him. Simon and Finn carried him near the fire when he was cold, and back against when he grew too hot, time and again. Arte fixed tea and cold drinks, whatever he wanted, she provided, little Bobby running in between the upper stairs and kitchens all night long. Maz stayed vigil at his bedside, her hand clasped in his, her eyes fixed on her son, with an intensity that made Rey think, she knew what was coming. Death had entered the room that night, and stood, waiting in the shadows. As if they all felt the presence, they did not leave him alone, did not allow him to lapse into silence too long, each afraid it would be their last.

“I wish to speak to Bobby… alone, if I may” Dopheld said at one point.

“I will stay” Maz said firmly, as her son managed a weak smile

“I did not doubt it, mama” 

Rey waited outside, only soft murmuring voices coming from the room. After a while, Bobby came out, his pale face tear stained. He walked straight to Arte and wrapped his arms around her waist.

“Simon?” Dopheld’s voice called. And so, it went, each of them summoned to bid farewell, and Rey could barely hold back the tears she felt.

“Rey” she went inside when bidden and sat by the bed, both him and Maz watching her. She slipped her hand into his, resting on the covers, and gave him a tentative smile.

“That smile, one should have it shine upon you to know heaven’s favour” Dopheld said quietly.

“No talk of heaven or hell for you. You must stay here, with us” Rey whispered. He held her gaze, his eyes compassionate.

“If only I could, I would never leave you, dearest friend. We have been friends, haven’t we, Rey?”

“More than friends. I love you” she said truthfully, unsure how to express what was in her heart.

“As I love you my dear. And it is fortunate, for we never truly lose the ones we love, we carry them with us, and I look forward to seeing your life, Reyna Kenobi, and all the wonderful things you’ll do with it”

“You give me too much credit”

“And as always, you give yourself too little. Here, in the end, I ask you something to do for me, a task. Treat yourself as I would treat you. Accept only the love you actually deserve, and lastly, do not be afraid. Of yourself, of love, of chance and risk. To love, and cry and hurt and laugh. These things are to be alive. And I want you to _live_ Rey, not only pass the time. Please, do not forget it. Don’t hide yourself away.” He said quietly, his voice growing weak.

“I promise, because you ask it, I promise. You have changed my life, altered it completely. You have selflessly given me a future”

“It was not selfless, for I got to have you, for all this time.” He broke off, and Rey startled when Maz touched her arm.  
“I would have these last hours with my son, alone” she said quietly, as Rey agreed immediately, before slipping out. She stayed by the door, in case Maz needed something and found Simon, Arte and Bobby all doing the same. They slept in the chairs lining the hall by his room, an ancient grandfather clock ticking close by, counting down the last moments of a life lived in goodness and light. A life cut all too short.

When Rey opened her eyes, she heard the soft sound of the door opening, and Maz walking within. She had left the door open behind her, and she could feel that the presence of death had gone, as had the light of her husband’s life.

She entered, and saw how peaceful he looked, his brow free of pain. A window was open, despite the cold chill in the room, and Maz stood there now, looking out.

“To let the soul out” she explained, as they both watched the gulls circling in a pink and grey dawn.

“Fly now, my sweet boy” she whispered, and they stood there a long time, watching the dip and fall of those birds in the sky, wild and free.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Dunbeath castle and indeed the entire village mourned the loss of its master. The days were dark and long, and the very world seemed reduced by the loss of Dopheld’s laugh.

Rey wore mourning black, crepe and bombazine, her hair tied severely back. In the castle alone, they found their company lacking, and had little energy to compensate.

The death announcements were sent out on black-edged card. And Maz started to tuck herself away in Dopheld’s room for days at a time, and could barely be enticed to come out to eat and drink.

Rey mourned the man who had loved her, despite their lack of usual marital relations. Who had raised her up from her lowly position. Only upon his loss, did she fully understand the dedication he had shown to her, and his family.

He had been a man who loved beyond class, beyond societies rules and expectations. He had loved his family, servants and orphans, and not seen them as less than himself. He had been an exceptional person, and she cursed the cruelty of why it was him who was robbed of a full life, when so many other idle gentlemen enjoyed health and vitality late into their lives.

She felt then, a flicker of resentment against Ben. That he had blamed her, for only trying to find out about her origins, that he would seek to make her felt guilt over that simple curiosity. If he had been a more understanding and approachable man she might have told him of her plans, and avoided all the heartache following it. Ben had forced her to creep off in his absence, by only dealing with her in a possessive and authoritarian manner.

She had only been a child then, even these short years passed, she could feel the change in her, the conviction of belief and strength of spirit that would rile against such command as he sought to edict over her.

She had loved him, and god help her, she still did, however, Dopheld’s death fixed in her the absolute knowledge that not everything between them was love. There was more there, in the dark of Ben’s heart, obsession and the need to control, desire for domination and obedience. Now, as she grew in years and education, she knew she could not have accepted such dictatorship without struggle. It sparked an ember of anger toward the man she had only ever idolised before, hidden deep inside, kept alongside the other ember he and only he had awoken in her – desire.

 

A month after the funeral rites, the stillness of Dunbeath castle made it seem almost as though it were under the spell of some sorcerer. Deep in unhappy slumber, the enchanted castle sluggish moved through its days, its young prince stolen into darkness.

It was a morning as such when Maz finally threw open curtains that had been too long kept shut, and opened all the windows to freshen the air. She attended breakfast with them all in the kitchen.

“The time for mourning Dopheld has passed. He wouldn’t wish us to be locked in our misery too long, in fact, he would have hated it. As for myself, I feel my bones grow weary and spirit long for respite. I will see him again, and not too long hence, my feeling tells me” She said, and Rey stared at her in horror, to contemplate losing Maz as well.

“The question is of what must be done before then. Worry not, Rey, I will make sure everything is taken care off for you, and for all of you. I will see my son’s last wishes carried out” Maz said, a steely glint to her eye.

“We will travel to London, and take up residence in the house on Bruton Lane, you have never been, my darling, but it was my mother’s dower house. The castle has none, as you may have observed. We will take up residence immediately, and I will call on Lord Hux, and we will sort out the reading of Dopheld’s last will and testament, and begin negotiations over the widow’s endowment. Make no mistake Rey, despite being in mourning, we must be seen in town, and pressed upon people’s minds that we are off one resolve. There is still a chance Lord Hux could challenge the inheritance completely, and attempt to have the marriage annulled.”

“Annulled! But that is no easy feat” Simon protested.

“It isn’t, I know. However, there are several grounds for proving it, and non-consummation is one of them. Hux need only find a doctor of Dopheld’s, who might account that consummation was impossible, and he could pursue an annulment” Rey felt the blood drain from her face. The thought that she could be dragged through the process of proving that consummation had not taken place, and have it as public record was a disservice to Dopheld’s memory and she could not allow it to happen.

“What must we do?” she asked, looking to Maz, a new light of determination entering her gaze.

“We will go to town. You will speak with Lady Catherine, and encourage that relationship. She is a kind and compassionate soul, and she might be able to influence her brother. I will introduce you to all the ladies of quality I grew up with, most of them matrons of society now, and the gatekeepers for a world that must accept you, for our plan to work. If they accept you, it will be more difficult for Hux to get rid of you quietly. He would not like to be seen as chasing after a far-removed title, with a pretty young widow in mourning to cast aside. It would not look favourable in the slightest. Now, we must make preparations without delay. The season begins in Spring, I would have us in residence before it, and well into our plan”

 

 

 

 

1809

 

They were dreadfully outnumbered in Portugal. When the Convention of Cintra was signed, there had never been more than 50,000 Anglo-Portuguese allies, when the French had numbered fives times as much. Moore, their commanding officer, still reeling from disappointment at the Convention signed by Wellington, had set off high into the Portuguese mountains, to penetrate into Spain, where local insurgents threatened the French rule there.

Ben had been part of the company, picked selectively from his crew, for his reputation and hardiness. He never again saw the crew of the Supremacy, as he left with the army, and collection of naval officers, drafted into service, when they were so short of men. Admiral Snoke promised that they would be reunited in London, when he was successful in Moore’s campaign. He no longer cared.  

High in the mountains, even as far as Salamance, when intelligence was received on the number of French in the area, they were forced to retreat, the news the final testing blow to many.

It was winter and the path through the mountains had taken its toll. Snow and ice coated them as they trudged on, supply lines having long since failed. Ben walked in a daze, the white swirling landscape around him some cruel dream, he stumbled on in that blistering white. He thought he could hear his mother’s voice, calling him home, to Alderaan House. Not the skeletal structure he had ordered rebuilt before he left for Portugal but the Alderaan House of his childhood. In his memories, the fields were a lush green or swaying golden yellow, abundant and rich. The house towered above him, as he played on the lawn, and his father and mother watched from nearby, drinking tea on terrace. The sun was soft on his skin, and the air smelled like roses.

They kept beckoning him over to them, and little by little, his game drew to a close, and he thought he might join them. His stomach was a hollow shell, his strength spilled out of him, with every step. The things he had seen, on that long retreat to the shore would never leave him, and he had seen much that nightmares are made of.

The trek over the mountains had been long and gruelling, the withdrawal took fifteen long days, and on that path, left behind, 5,000 men, to freeze in the snow, their bodies left to their final rest. The mountains were full of frozen tunnels and gaping abysses, and paths that crumbled below their feet. The howling wind and sleet was constant and the dragging mud and slush slowed them, even while the French and certain death followed behind them.

The horses struggle to keep up, at a forced pace with no food to power them, and they too fell by the wayside, butchered in near silence by starving men. In the party of women who accompanied them, some prostitutes, some wives or partners of soldiers in the party had been pregnant. Two women that he saw, gave birth in the snow, the screaming of a baby born in the white choked air, pierced something inside him. He thought he would never forget the red of womb blood on fresh fallen snow.

When they stumbled into Corunna, without shoes, starved and half maddened by the conditions, they were 28,000, and piling onto the ships in the harbour, the French reached them after all.

 

The battle that took place there was Ben’s last. Something in him that had been dying slowly with each day of war, had finally given way, up there in the white, clean heavens on the mountain. He had looked his end in the eye, and felt no attachment to this life. The pain and suffering was too great, the needless death and horror. He forgot why he was fighting, why any of it mattered.

On the docks, as they swarmed with French, clashing with the remaining allies, he snatched up a sword to fight, but couldn’t find the heart to enter the fray. He felt finished. The thing that enticed him once more, was that piercing baby’s cry. Loud and insistent, it turned his head, to where a cowering woman, the one who had survived the birth, was crouching low over the infant, as an assailant dragged her backwards, kicking away her blood-stained skirts. He walked toward them in a daze, the cry of the baby reaching fever pitch as it’s mother’s screams filled the air.

His sword slid through the man’s back, and into his chest, and he slumped forward, gasping, while Ben leant over the baby, tiny and afraid, it’s eyes barely open. He touched its cheek, and felt the mother rush to his side.

He couldn’t quite comprehend how such innocence could exist here, in this hell. His fingertip left a fresh smear of blood on the baby’s cheek, and he let the mother pull it from him, and tuck the babe against her chest, crying and screaming at him.

Suddenly, she pointed in terror, behind him, and he turned, too slowly. The man he had run through was clinging to life, unfinished. He pitched his body into Ben’s, a clumsy sort of fall. Ben felt his blade, concealed until that moment, rip across his chest and down his abdomen, digging into his guts.  

He fell onto his knees, the pain unexpected and surprising. He had thought he was far beyond feeling, but that pain, he recognised. It meant the end of him.

The man swayed to his knees beside him, and then, he was falling forward. The baby was crying again, by his head, as the woman he had saved pressed his tattered uniform jacket over the wound, screaming for help. He wanted to tell her to run, get that innocent thing in her arms away from the docks. They were all monsters here, and he was the worse of them all, he tried to tell her, but his words slipped away.

He felt strong arms lift him, a stretcher under his back, as he was moved. He fell into darkness.

He didn’t know how long passed, in the swaying dark, with only the tether of pain to keep him in this world. He thought it might be death, the awful floating emptiness. A cool hand touched his brow, and for a moment, he could see Rey, touching his mother’s face with the same, tender comfort, and turned his face toward it.

“Rey?” he breathed, unable to see in the dim light. A voice whispered softly.

“Commander Solo, you must rest. You have been wounded”

“I am dead, I should be dead” he said, trying to make sense of the strangeness of everything he could perceive.

“No, My Lord, you are merely wounded, but wounded badly. We are retreating to England, and if you survive the trip, you will be taken back to London, and your family” the voice continued. Ben swallowed thickly.

“I have no one. I am alone” he said, trying to make them see the foolishness of preserving his life.

“Be that as it may, Milord, you are going home”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU GUYS! We made it.... same city, same time... I wonder what might happen??


	17. Chapter 17

  
Spring 1810

 

 

Armitage Hux ascended the steps to the Solo townhouse on Grosvenor Street with a curling sneer for the news that had only just reached him, before he had departed home.

He was admitted by Wokesly, and went straight upstairs, hardly waiting to be announced before entering in a rage.

“You will not believe the audacity of my mad aunt and that faithless chit” he stormed, as he entered, and felt his rage ebb a little, in face of the picture before him.

Benjamin Solo, Marquess of Alderaan, sat before the window, settled into a deep armchair, fairly swaddled by blankets. There was a faintly medicinal smell to the air of the room, and it felt still, tomblike, as thought nothing had moved there for hours before he’d entered. His oldest friend did not turn his head at his entry, and instead remained, unmoving, watching the street and park outside.

He had been pleased, and overly relieved when he had recieved word that Ben had returned from war, and been discharged, with honours, following a life threatening injury. He had awaited his departure from military care eagerly, but the man who returned to Grosvenor Street, was not the man Hux had known.

This man was quiet, and cold. Dark in way that Hux had never encountered before. He seemed to exist in some place between the waking world, and his nightmares, lost in remembrance of past actions and events.

“Solo? Are you listening to me?” he said, quieter now, and looked to Wokesly, who remained unmoved by his inquisitive gaze. He approached the figure in the chair, thinking for one moment that he would touch him, and he would be cold and stiff with death, a macabre imagining.

“Ben?” he murmured, as his hand finally made contact. His friend of thirty years flinched beneath his palm, as if he had struck him, before turning his head to see him.

“Armitage? What brings you here so early?” Ben asked.

“Early? It’s gone three in the afternoon” Hux reminded him, wondering anew when Ben had started his silent vigil. He removed his hand quickly, remembering the other oddity of Solo, following his return from the Navy. He did not like to be touched.

“I came to call on you, and see how you are faring” he said, looking over his long hair, and stubbled jaw. He was unkempt and quite unlike his previous self.

“I am as you see” Ben said, after a long pause, where he seemed almost surprised that Hux awaited an actual reply.

“Which is?” he prompted him.

“Alive” Ben replied and turned back to the street. Hux regarded him a long moment, lost a little as to how to proceed, he decided to try and engage him conversation, and returned to the outrage he had come to indulge in.

“As discouraging to further discourse as that might be, I urge you to leave this room, and seek new company. Entertainment is needed, and something new to think over. The horrors of war will not be forgotten without something to replace them with.”

“What do you know of the horrors of war?” Ben asked sharply. Hux let out a deep calming breath.

“Very little, as you will not talk to me” he said, trying to keep the reprimand from his voice.

“Really Ben, if you keep this up, you might as well not have returned at all” he continued, feeling his anger, born of concern bubble up.

“Why are you here?” Ben asked cuttingly, and Hux coloured a little, in the rebuff of his advice and friendship.

“I came to see you, which, is unpleasant as always of late. Secondly, I came to speak with you over the trouble of my late cousin’s estate, I am tired of thinking over it, and when I see my aunt, and that jumped up little servant of yours, parading about Mayfair, without a care in the world, all smiles and obliging, and do not get me started on the company she keeps-“ he stopped mid-flow, as a large hand, without gloves, the skin marred and run along the fingers, landed on his wrist, and squeezed. He looked to Ben, and was arrested by the look of interest in his hazel eyes.

“Tell me what you speak of, plainly, and from the beginning” Ben instructed, in such an authoritative tone he would refuse him, if he were any other, but he had long waited for his absent friend to take an interest in something besides his melancholy.

“My cousin, the Duke of Takodana, that dreaded estate up North. He has passed away, and before doing so, he married a girl, a commoner, no less. None other than your mother’s former lady’s maid. Now, he is dead and she remains the Duchess of Takodana, until I marry. Dopheld provided an enormous share of the estate to her as a dower, I cannot begin to guess why, unless that pretty, but plain façade hides something much more-“ he trailed off as Ben hand only continued to tighten on his wrist.

“Cease talking” Ben instructed, and stood up. He swayed a little on his feet, and walked to the window to steady himself against the sill.

“Solo, you are being rather mysterious” he sniffed, watching as before his eyes, the shrunken frame of his friend seemed to straighten, his back elongating, as though forgotten vertebrae were snapping back into place. He watched him run a hand through his hair, and across his jaw. He glanced down at his wrinkled clothes.

“I require a tailor, perhaps yours may see me” he said, further shocking Hux, who could merely agree.

“Of course, I will engage him directly”

“Your cousin’s widow… is she in mourning?”

“Why? Of course, she wouldn’t dare defy convention, when she herself is so objectionable” His friend seemed to think for a long moment, before turning to Hux, and smiling.

“I never did celebrate returning from my commission. Perhaps you would throw me a small dinner, and I could meet the girl who used to be my employee, and now asks me to call her your grace” he suggested. It was a light suggestion, and Hux agree amiably enough, keen to rattle the disposition of the young upstart. However, there was something to his request, that made it seem less like one, and more a demand, while there was something in his smile, that was less friendly than predatory.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“It not every evening that one attends the first ball of the season!” Rose smiled, as she and her sister Paige, visited Rey in her house, on the eve of the opening of the season.

The last few months had been tedium in extreme, shot through with glimmers of terror, when she had done something wrong in front of the wrong person, or Hux had seemed overly irritated with her. She had seen him a couple of times, once when he called to pay his condolences, not long after they had taken up proper residence in London.

This required sending cards out to various friends and acquantinences, and hosting several events, the first of which had not yet come to pass, for which Rey was grateful. They were still in the first stage of Maz’s grand plan, which involved calling on a procession of elderly society matrons, drinking endless cups of tea, and having her manners inspected at every turn. Maz was obviously someone dear to them and most seemed inclined to favour Rey, though, Rey wondered how long that attitude would continue, if Maz were not present. Others were less kind, giving Rey a terrifying insight into the season proper, when house calls and dinners, house parties in the country, the theatre and many other social occasions would necessitate her exposure to potential cutting and ridicule. Maz seemed determined that it was still the best option to ensure Hux would leave the widows provision untouched.

 Already, they had met regarding the legal matters. They had decided that Rey and Maz would stay in the dower house on Bruton Lane, and Maz would of course, continue to receive her income. Rey’s was currently being paid by Hux unchallenged, and she had found out that Dopheld had been generous, allowing even more than the standard third of the total estate. As it stood at the moment, she was an exceeding rich young lady. The title, of course, had passed to Hux, as the nearest living male relative, however, Rey was still referred to as Duchess Kanata, and would be until Hux married. In that case, his new wife would become the Duchess Kanata, and Rey would become the Dowager Countess of Takodana.

Rey longed to sneak away back to Dunbeath, and stay in her room overlooking the sea, and forget London and the season, and all the spoiled and arrogant men who would look at her as a reaching social climber, and women who would say sweet words to her face, and laugh at her manners behind her back. 

She had been prodded and pricked to death getting a new wardrobe for social occasions. Soon, she would be in half mourning and would no longer wear only black. Muted tones of other colours were permitted, such as grey and lavender, and she started to hate the sight of crepe, for its uncomfortable rustling and itch on her skin.

In half mourning, she would be able to attend certain restrained functions, and Rey violently wished she was not about to end full mourning at all, so nervous was she.

Only her interactions with the Ticos and Lady Catherine were soothing to her, and she had learned much from her cousin on how to comport herself at an event, if she wished to remain unnoticed. It seemed to be a skill Catherine herself employed often. 

"Who will be attendance? Do you think that your Lord Hux will be there?” Rey teased the youngest sister. Rose tossed her head uncaring.

“I do not know, nor care to. He is not my Lord Hux, at any rate. We can hardly be in the same room without arguing”

“You have caught his interest, as difficult as that is to arouse” Paige observed, well versed with her sister’s dislike of their friend’s brother.

“Enough on the subject. Tomorrow evening we shall meet eligible gentlemen, and finally, please our mother by being biddable and sweet, and everything a young Duke or Marquess may desire… as well as astoundingly rich, of course” Rose said sweetly. She glanced to Rey.

“We cannot convince you to come with us?”

“Alas, no. I am not in half mourning yet, another week” she said, grateful of the excuse.

“Well next week you will have to attend your cousin’s dinner. There will be no escaping that occasion. It is intimate and hosted by family” Paige warned Rey, as she dropped a chin glumly into her hand.

“I am well aware”

 

* * *

 

 

The Tico sisters survived their first ball, and the London season started in grand fashion. Rey remained at home, going out to Maz’s friends houses, and generally hiding away from the world. With Finn, Arte and Bobby, they made their own little world within the house on Bruton Lane.

The night of the dinner at Lord Hux’s house arrived, and she dressed in deep lavender, with reserve. Maz had assured her that is was necessary to go into half mourning, and wearing black to a family dinner, whilst in half mourning, bordered on an insult.

They arrived at the town house, with Finn driving them in the carriage. The distance was hardly anything, but Maz again insisted on appearances. It was just as gothic and frightening as she remembered it to be, and reminded herself that Catherine, Rose and Paige were inside, and calmed her nerves somewhat.

Inside, it seemed that the party had already started as they were announced to a full room. She spied Rose and Paige immediately, and suffered through more unfeeling condolences until she might make her escape toward them.

They talked and observed those around them. There were four other families in attendance, and Rey was taken aback to see Miss Kira Maxwell amongst them. She was escorted by her father, causing Rey to wonder that she had still not married. She was still a very pretty girl, however, that initial bloom of youth, and heart-wrenching perfection had faded somewhat. Her eyes were a little more calculating than Rey could remember, and her smile more false. Perhaps so long out and unmarried grew tiresome, Rey could well imagine it. Another couple were announced, as Lord Hux finally came to greet her, with his sister on his arm.

“Your grace, we thank you for attending our little get together this evening. It is quite the felicitous occasion” he said smoothly, before looking to the Tico sister.

“Miss Tico, Miss Tico” he said stiffly his eyes landing only momentarily on Rose as she smiled at him.

“Lord Hux, you have a proper occasion in order to through a party? I thought reasons were unnecessary during the season, pure hedonism prevailed” she said prettily, making Hux choke on the glass of champagne he had been imbibing.  Ah he calmed himself, he fixed Rose with a steely look.

“I believe we have covered your lack of appropriate education, so I would try hard not to hold preconceptions of the season, Miss Tico. In this case, we are welcoming home a war hero, and a close personal friend of mine, engaged these past two years on the Iberian peninsula” he said, and Rey felt every hair on her body stand up.

Hux blue eyes cut to hers, and she thought for a moment that he seemed pleased by her sudden stillness.

“Is this a real, or imaginary friend, milord? For I notice the hour grows late, and no one claiming such a dubious introduction has arrived” Rose pointed out, pulling his attention back to her. His eyes narrowed, and he was no doubt about to set down a scathing response, when the footman entered, and announced the last guest.

“Lord Benjamin Organa Solo, Marquess of Alderaan, Commander of his majesty’s fleet.” The man called, and the guests paused in anticipation of his entry.

The figure who filled the door seemed too tall and broad to appear here, in this tiny parlour, towering over these esteemed guests. He stole her breath away, more handsome than she could remember, dark and flashing eyes, his hair held back at the neck, a fitted surcoat of black, over black pantaloons and grey waistcoat, tall black boots gleaming up muscled thighs. All this she saw in the moments she allowed herself to look, before turning her blushing face to her friends.

“My word, this evening just became much more interesting” Rose murmured, forgetting that Lord Hux was still within earshot. He turned a scathing look at her, his pale face reddening to the tips of his ears, before he bowed shortly, and left, heading in the direction of his most recently arrived guest.

“Rose, you will lose Lord Hux’s good opinion” Paige mocked, both knowing it had been lost long before.

“What care I of Hux’s good opinion, when such men as that are in attendance” Rose teased, turning to Rey, although she did appear chastised.  
“Do you not think him handsome?”

“He is very fine” she said quickly, feeling as though her back were on fire with the awareness that Ben was somewhere behind her, talking to people, moving through the crowd. It was excruciating.

How would he react? She could not guess. Would he be cold with her, angry as they had parted? Betrayed by her leaving him, and furious that she had removed herself and exercised her free will, taking away that which he sought to own. She reminded herself that those were heinous things and he had no right to be angry over them. She would let him feel badly about it, even if she had missed him terribly, and worried over his fate in battle, near daily. She heard a girlish exclamation behind her, and realised that Miss Maxwell must have been reunited with her previous suitor.

“It appears Miss Maxwell is already acquainted with him” Paige observed.

  
“They were almost engaged” Rey said without thinking, and both girls turned to look at her.

“How do you know that?”

“I – was lady’s maid to his mother.”

“This was your master, at your old position?” Rose said, her eyes wide. Rey nodded, wishing she had not revealed the connection.

The dinner gong suddenly sounded, and Rey was relieved that the time for conversing before dinner had finished. Now all she needed was to prevail through supper, and then she might plead with Maz to take her home.

She was horrified to realise that she would have to be near the head of the procession for dinner, with her title remaining Duchess of Takodana. As everyone got into their positions, appropriate for their social standing, Rey walked to the head, toward Hux, and could feel the very moment that Ben saw her.

It was as if all the air in the room had vanished, the lights had gotten brighter and she weaker, all at once. She approached, painfully aware of the looming man waiting for her to take position in front of him.

“Of course, cousin Rey, you must already know Lord Solo from previous acquaintance.” Hux was saying snidely, reminding Rey of her origins. She ignored the insult, and steeled herself, turning to Ben, and looking up to his face. When their eyes met, his leather gloved hand reached for hers. All this she felt from far away, as the look in his eyes was so absorbing, and so full of intent that she forgot herself.

“Your Grace” he murmured lowly. She tore herself away, as Hux rudely reminded her that she must start them into dinner.

She walked in, and followed a footman to her seat. It was only then that she realised she was trembling.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Ben worked to keep his eyes on Kira Maxwell, enough so she wouldn’t notice the object of his fascination, further down the table.

Why Hux had invited the former flame, he had no idea, perhaps hoping she would entice him back into the world again, little did he know there was no chance of that. Not while Rey  sat across from him, furiously avoiding his hot gaze, and giving all of her attention to the stuffy bore sitting next to her. It infuriated him, how she was evading him, but he took pleasure in knowing she was aware of him, her pretty, smooth cheeks tinging petal pink whenever his eyes were on her, her delicate throat, swallowing nervously under his stare. Her manners were impeccable now, he was strangely proud to see. She ate with precision and grace, which was opposite of how she had once eaten, grateful for every scrap of food on the plate.

How perfectly stunning he was, he thought with detachment, as he watched her. She was not merely the girl he had known, that much was clear.

Her purity of thought and spirit, her innocence and guileless nature, the one person who had been natural with him, without airs and graces, how much of it remained, he could not guess.

Yet, he could remember how much he had wanted her, that very face and body. That heart, most of all. It felt foolish now. How he had been curious to see her, what had become of the woman who had started his journey abroad, and changed him indelibly. Even in half mourning, she cast all others in attendance to mere pale shadows.

“Lord Solo? I would have thought you an opinion on the matter?” Miss Maxwell prompted, and he turned cursory attention to the girl, answering in a short, clipped manner. He had no desire to be drawn into conversation with anyone there, but one. He wanted to shatter that carefully crafted composition and force her to acknowledge him, see him.

 He was no longer a man who waited, if he had ever been.

Now, he was a man who took, and he had forgotten how to be anything but. Seeing Rey had pushed new life into his veins, he felt himself awakening, for the first time in as long as he could remember.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the evening, he watched her from afar that eve, knowing that only the threat of his presence was enough to make her uncomfortable. There was a strange contrary nature to his feelings surrounding her, he realised. He wished her to be discomforted by him, on edge and nervous. He wanted her to watch for him, and worry over what he would say, when they were finally alone, and yet, at the same time, he wanted to be the only man to illicit that reaction from her. He wanted her attention, her fear, her anticipation. He did not like the thought that anyone else might upset her. That was his right, and he had earned it.

 Unused to company, and feeling an ache in his ribs from his injury, he escaped from a game of cards to the library, remembering the room had a small balcony attached. He opened the door, and embraced the cool air with relish. So long abroad and frequently outside had made him intolerant of stuffy parlours and candle waxed air.

He heard a noise, faint, from within the library, and turned his head that way, hoping he wasn’t to be disturbed so soon, enjoying the cool air upon his skin, so welcome after the stuffy, unbearable after dinner atmosphere. Brandy swam in his veins, his body still weakened from his injury. He gripped the cool metal of the balustrade in his marred palms, and looked up at the falling night. Stars winked in the pale grey and charcoal sky. He thought himself in a dream, for a moment. It was a feeling he often had, since returning from Portugal. He would realise he was still aboard that last vessel being borne home, his wound fresh, his life blood dipping to the deck below.

“Lord Solo, are you well?” the voice that called to him sent his feeling of unreality skittering away, and made his heart, long unmoved, beat suddenly stronger.

He turned to see Rey, hovering in the doorway, still safely inside the library, but watching him. Her luminous eyes were fixed on him wholly, for the first time all evening. He felt the look as if it were a touch.

“Your grace” he said formally, bowing to her, before straightening.

“Are you – do you require aid?” she continued to say to him, her cheeks blushing once more, as he only stared at her. He had not thought she would seek him out.

“I apologise, I have disturbed your solitude” she said suddenly, when his only response to her was his intent gaze. She stepped back, and he followed, quickly entering the library, his voice reaching Rey as she hesitated on the open threshold of the library entrance.

“I was not searching for solitude, only air” he said quickly, surprised to find his voice worked at all.

“I haven’t disturbed you then” she said finally, stepping away from the exit, and he felt something in him relaxed infinitesimally.

“Not in the way you imagine” he said, and the barest hint of a smile touched her lips.

“I might say the same. I had no idea you would be in attendance, in fact I had no idea that you had returned from abroad” she said slowly, seeming to search for the right words. He watched her, committing to memory every movement she made.

“I returned at the start of the year, following the battle of Corunna. I was injured” he said by way of explanation. Her eyes traced over his form them, and he felt an awakening of desire in their wake.

“You look well to me”

“You might not think so, if you saw more of me” he said, and she bit her lip in a smile, looking away to maintain propriety.

“Was it awful?” she suddenly asked, looking back to him. He was struck then, at how well she knew him. There was no fawning over the heroics of war, or flattery over a soldier’s assumed prowess.

“There are no words for what it was” he said quietly, truthfully, for once.

“I am sorry” she said then, and he took a step toward her, the inevitable pull between them overcoming his hesitation. Close enough to touch, he stopped and looked down at her. She met his eye more forwardly than ever before. The shy, young servant now a woman, with the budding confidence to match.

“What for?” he asked, oddly breathless. It was enthralling to be this close to her, to imagine reaching out and touching her, hearing her intake of breath as that connection was re-established.

“Your suffering” she said, gracefully avoiding his real question. Did she regret marrying another? Had she missed him even a day when they were apart? Did she think of him still, late at night, alone, as he did her?

His hand rose, almost without thinking, and cupped her cheek. She looked at him wide eyed, and then, in a moment he would never forget, flinched away.

It was a pain similar to the one that had dug into his guts. The one that had sought to end him.

She stepped back, her eyes wary, her body no longer relaxed, he could see tension in her frame, as she glanced toward the open doorway there.

“I should get back to the drawing room” she said, taking her leave, and all of a sudden, was gone, leaving Ben alone. His hand was still outstretched toward her cheek, so rapidly had her escape been made.

He lowered it slowly to his side, pain blossoming in his chest. He might walk upright, and eat and drink like a gentleman. He may cut his hair and shave off his whiskers, and tie a fashionable cravat. But underneath, in his heart, he was no longer a man.

He was the monster who had devoured him at war.

No one had noticed yet, that a beast walked among them, eyes of darkness and hands made to rip and tear flesh, until now. Rey had seen him.

She recognised the monster in disguise. The wolf in sheep’s clothing. He swallowed hard around an obstruction in his throat, and followed slowly after her.

In the drawing room, she was conversing with a gentleman and his wife, Maz by her side. As soon as he entered, she glanced his way, before resuming her conversation.

Rey was a wild thing, or she had been, a child of the lost, who had survived. The feral creature within her scented the danger he posed, the lamb skittering from the smell of wolf. And she was right. In that moment, when she had seen him, looked inside, that beast that dwelled in his heart had looked back. It had liked what it had seen. It had caught her scent too, and now it longed to hunt it down and take it for its own.

 

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The next morning, Wokesly and Mrs Holdo paused their breakfast conversation in surprise, when the bell from the master’s room jingled in the kitchen. The entire kitchen ceased movement for a moment.

Shaking off his surprise, he quickly went upstairs, worried something had happened to his young master. There had not been one morning since he had returned that Master Solo had requested his presence or aid, in dressing or eating. He was the one who pushed the master to face the day, leave his bed, eat something, to speak with his only visitor, Lord Hux.

 He entered Master Solo’s bedroom, and saw, to his surprise he was standing already, looking to Wokesly with relief.

“Ah, Charles, I mean to pay a call this morning, and would prefer to look less like the decrepit solider who limped home from war, and more my old self.” He was saying, and Wokely practically leapt into action. It was what he had been waiting on and hoping for. The master had found a sufficient enticement to engage in the world again. As he dressed him, he took in his demeanour. He was still sombre, as he always was, but there was an excitement to him.

“You are looking well this morning, if I may say so” Wokesly said cautiously.

“I feel well, if you can believe it” Master Solo said.

“May I ask what could account for the transformation?” he ventured. His lordship finished dressing, pulling on his leather gloves last, and gave Wokesly an approximation of a smile.

“Vengeance, Charles. Vengeance.”

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“Your grace, you have a caller. I told him that you were not available, however, he cannot seem to accept that as an answer” Simon said, his throat bobbing with distress. Rey closed the book on her lap, and looked to the door. She wondered who it might be, and if the prickling in her stomach was correct. She nodded to him.

“Very well, I don’t want to cause a scene. Show him in, and then stay, as chaperone. Maz will not return until this afternoon” she said, glancing in the looking glass above the fire. She looked as tired as she felt, after a sleepless night, the face of Ben haunting her thoughts.

She did not yet understand what had possessed her to seek him out following an awkward dinner, but she had been unable to stop herself. He had been her constant companion, these last years, her worry over him something that had consumed much of her thoughts. She had wanted to speak with him, had known it was inevitable, and preferring to face that demon early on.

Her mind was laid to rest when he had responded civilly enough, but then, her body had betrayed her. As he had stood close to her, looking down at her with the eyes that her very soul knew well, she had wanted him to touch her, embrace her, push her roughly against the wall, as he had once done, his mouth plundering hers.

It had been a shocking thought, utterly scandalous.

When he had reached out to her, she had been jolted from her reverie, and suddenly understood the danger she had faced. Ben had never respected her wishes for propriety, why would he had developed that now? In fact, as she pulled back, and anger came to his eyes, she realised quickly, that the man who was once her lord and master, seemed to harbour the same illusion still, that he had once before.

The she was an object belonging to him. That same possessive fire still burned in his eyes, now it was no longer tempered by affection and sweetness. Instead, in this new man before her, that familiar look was darkened by dominance and power, a man used to being obeyed. She couldn’t allow him to think that she would stand for his previous behaviour. Want him, though she may, she would not lose her independence to him, her dignity and free will, not without a fight.

 

Simon returned only moments later, announcing the name she had been expecting.

“The Marquess of Alderaan, Ma’am” he said, eyeing Ben warily, as he went to stand near the door.

Ben swooped in, a determined gait, stilling as he gained the middle of the room, and looked around, seeming pleased they were alone. She inclined her head in greeting.

“Your grace, thank you for receiving me” he said, as she rang for tea.

“My footman tells me you were quite insistent” she said, sitting down at the edge of a chair, allowing him to follow suit. His eyes were on her from the instant he entered, and now, they watched every movement she made, even the rise and fall of her breath, he captured it all.

“And the dowager duchess, I trust she is well?” he said after a long moment. Rey nodded.

“She is quite unchanged, since yesterday eve, when you saw her last”

“And you?”

“I am also quite unchanged.” She said, as Simon opened the door to admit Bobby, struggling under the heavy tea service.

“I see I am to be the exception, in that case” Ben said, sitting back, and following Rey’s eye to the little boy dressed in livery, and carrying a laden tray with quiet determination.

“In what way?” Rey asked distracted, as she watch Bobby set down the tray nervously, the entire thing shaking as it made its descent.

“I feel entirely changed” Ben’s reply stole her breath, as she looked up and found his eyes had found her again. His look arrested her. She stared at him overly long, until Bobby was fidgeting between them.

“Erm, tea, Ma’am?” he said quietly.

“Of course.” She said, and they both watched as Bobby began a torturous pouring of the tea. His hand shook as he strained the tea leaves, scatting droplets of amber liquid about, he then poured far too much into Rey’s cup, leaving a sea in her saucer, and too much sugar, after he dropped in three cubes. He passed it to her, the cup rattling in the saucer the entire way, as she waited with baited breath to see if it would make the journey intact. Closing her hand around it finally, she smiled at Bobby warmly.

“Thank you, Robert. I will take care of Lord Solo’s tea, if you could attend Arte in the kitchen” she said softly, releasing him. Ben watched the young boy escape, and Rey set the tea cup down with a slight shudder, before reaching for the tea pot, and preparing his cup, just as he had always taken it. She passed it to him.

He took it with a murmured thanks, watching her avidly as she stood and carried her tea to a potted plant, and tipped it in, before returning and pouring herself another cup, fixing it to her preference.

“You might have just rung for another cup” he suggested, feeling for all the world as though he wanted to smile, a feeling that was wholly unfamiliar to him of late.

“Then Bobby would feel bad about his efforts, and the plant would receive no benefit.” She pointed out. Ben accepted her answer, wondering what kind of unorthodox house Maz and Rey kept, with elderly, belligerent butlers and child footmen under foot.

“The weather is rather fine today-“ she started and he interrupted her almost immediately.

“I care not for passing pleasantries. I have not called to exchange inconsequential utterances on the weather” he said directly. Rey narrowed her eyes at him, her pulse jumping in her throat at his authoritative tone.

“Then why have you come?”

“I thought we should catch up, in a more intimate atmosphere. We are old friends, are we not?” the way his voice lingered on the words made her feel as though she was sitting too close to the fire.

“The last time we spoke in Scotland, you did not seem inclined to remain friends any longer.”  Rey pointed out, unsure why she was doing so, except to gain time to soothe her nerves.

“I have changed my mind” Ben stated flatly, a statement that seemed to have no response. She stared at him, and he stared back, for an unknown amount of time.

“Well, what do you wish to talk of?” she finally asked. He leaned back indolently, the picture of ease, but there was a hard glint to his eyes that indicated that his relaxed position may not be completely sincere.

“I wish to know more of your short marriage, and your late husband. My condolences, by the way, I forgot to say, yesterday evening”

“Thank you” she said automatically, as her heart started to scream at her the folly of entering into this conversation.

“What sort of man was he?”

“The best kind” she answered immediately, noting how her answer made Ben’s hands, encased in his black gloves, tighten on the chair arms.

“How long were you married?”

“Too short a time, just over a year or so”

“Short indeed” Ben agreed, his eyes narrowing at her over his cup.

“You might have mentioned to me in Dunbeath that your betrothed was a Duke, it might have helped to soften the blow.”

“Meaning?”

“I might have thought better of you all these years, had I known it was also a monetary decision, that the little scavenger from the banks of the Thames had upward aspirations far above being mistress to a lowly Marquess.” He stated it mildly, but the insinuation was horrible enough to send her to her feet.

It stung, those casual grenades, flung so causally at her. He watched her reaction intently, his eyes seeming to drink in her upset, savouring it, feasting on it. To argue with him would only be to give him the very reaction he was searching for. Instead, she forced her expression into one of bland congeniality.

 

“Think what you will, I doubt I could change your mind at any rate” she said, turning dismissively, missing the way his hands curled in anger at his failure to goad her, even while the rest of his demeanour remained deceptively uncaring.

 

She approached the plant she had poured the tea into, making a show of carefully wiping any stray drops from the surface leaves, winning time to sooth her nerves, to calm the desperate pounding of her heart. He was so different and so familiar.

His face had become that of a man’s, the promise of his handsome youth, made real. But it was a hard face, fearsome in its grace. A terrible beauty, which he now wielded against her.

 

“Why have you sought me out today?” she asked, once she could be sure of her steadiness.

 

“I wanted to see for myself, what had become of the penniless Niima orphan, who turned her back on my love, for a dukedom. The young woman who would save her body for a greater conquest than I” his voice was speculative, his gaze intense, yet curious. Rey found herself too numb to do much more than stare at him.

 

“I am sure such matters no longer shock you, there is no need to appear so chaste, you have been a married woman. To tempt a Duke into marrying someone such as yourself… you must have debased yourself to such a degree, I can barely imagine” his dark eyes flashed a moment the, revealing his feelings, a roiling and burning anger.

 

“If you have come to abuse me, I will not stand for it. You may leave” she said, finally finding her voice and turned away again. She felt unsettled and laid bare. She glanced back a moment later to find him unmoving in his chair, watching her with a smirk on his face.

 

“Did you not hear me? I asked you to leave?” She said, desperately attempting to keep her composure until she was alone. He looked around with interest.

 

“I do apologise! Are you taking to me with such command in your tone?”

 

“If you do not leave-“

 

“You’ll what? I don’t respond well to threats, your grace” she stared at him, her heart tossed about her chest, her heart aching with uncertainty.

 

“Do what you want. I will leave” she said finally, sure that she must remove herself from the situation. She strode toward the door, upset and anger colliding within her.

 

“No, you won’t. For I have not given permission for you to do so” he said, standing to that towering height as she passed, and grabbing her arm.  She gasped as his strong grip bit into her skin.

“I’ll scream” she warned.

“Do so and bring more scandal still down on your head. You are the most talked about woman in London as it stands” he growled.

“You are hurting me” she snapped.

“Good, for it is my intention” he replied, though he did let go, a moment later, pushing her away, so she staggered back to her chair. Her eyes filled with tears, but they were in anger as well as sadness. Anger for all the ways that he had not changed, and sadness for all the ways that he had.

“You have lost your soul at war, you cannot be the same man-“

“I would rather not discuss your lack of regard for the man I was. The one you lied to, and lead along… the one you abandoned, when he needed you most, when you saw an opportunity to advance your station”

“I abandoned you because if I hadn’t, it would have been my ruination, and your downfall also. You had to find your way, without me. Do you think Lady Maxwell would have considered you, if she had known you kept a servant as a mistress at your townhouse?”

“I didn’t give a damn about her, not that you cared to find that out, or ask me. You ran from me in the most cowardly fashion, and treated me like I was a monster.” He said, his tone silkily smooth, as he advanced on her slowly, the wolf, stalking the lamb.

“And so, a monster I have become. Does it please you? I have fulfilled your wishes.”

“Have you lost your mind?” she muttered, appalled as he came closer, his dark eyes alight with darker intentions.

“Only trying to live up to your dark prophecy”

“I never wanted you to become a monster”

“It’s a little late now, my dear” he laughed darkly, and the sound sent fear twitching up her spine.

“It wasn’t enough to have stolen my heart and bewitched my mind… you didn’t want the heart I offered you, the love I foolishly held out like a whipping boy – you ran off where you might further your favours, and buy yourself a fortune and a title with that very innocence I had so greatly admired.” he said.

“Yes, how dare I aspire to more than a life of being your servant by day, and your whore by night. I should have been grateful that the great and mighty Commander Solo, Marquess of Alderaan, should stoop as low as to favour me. You are drunk on your own importance Ben-“

“Do not call me that. Ever” his hand suddenly settled around her throat, resting there, not pressing, just warning, and her pulse leapt beneath it. He leaned into her until his lips brushed against the skin of her forehead.

“That was a privilege given to a young girl who loved me. A young girl who deserved the world, or so I thought” he growled as he looked her over, close enough to see all the beauty that age had ripened in her.

“She exists no longer – and I won’t have a social climbing, cunning little fox assume her privileges” he whispered.

“How lovely some fool’s money and a life of idleness has made you” he whispered, running lascivious eyes over her.

“How very beautiful you have become… beautiful and spoiled rotten”

“Unhand me, you brute. You are the one who is spoiled, and always were.” she said, finding her courage, her voice cold. Her surprise was giving way to anger, white hot and burning. That he would treat her so abominably, when all she had done was care about him and worry over him the last years. That he would accuse her of selfishly trying to advance her social position, made her feel that he had never known her even a day.

“You could not conceive of my imagining a life outside of you, even though you would treat me as a mere possession. You are arrogant and spoiled rotten to the core, privileged and insufferable. I didn’t see it then for I was only a child, something you took full advantage of, but I am no longer some no-one for you to bully and abuse in the dark any longer, and you will not touch me again.” She said, her indignation burning in her throat, spilling out. Her heart hurt, to say the words, and to hear him say his. She became aware that somehow, he had been pressing her backwards, and she now felt the wall behind her.

“We will see” he said darkly, taking his hand from her neck, but caging her in, with both hands braced on either side of her head.

“I thought to forget you, to ignore you. I vowed to hate you forever. But now I see you, I rather think I would like to extract my revenge in another way.” He said, raising his hand once more to her throat, but this time, rubbing circles against the reddened skin there, his other hand grabbing hers as she sought to throw him off.

“Maybe I would prefer to sample the skills you employed against Duke Kanata, sample the wares that were mine, that you stole, so long ago, and gave to him.” 

“Desist touching me at once, or I really will scream, reputation be damned.” She warned. A touch of humour graced his lips, but it was as cold and as cruel as his anger.

“Go ahead, I am sure it will support Hux’s case, that the Duchess of Takodana can hardly be out of mourning black before she is seen entertaining her next mark, gentlemen of great fortune, with injury or illness, are her quarry. Perhaps they will think you a black widow.” He said, and Rey paled, knowing it to be true. His eyes seized on that reluctance, and his smile magnified, and she cursed herself, for allowing him to see that weakness.

“Ah, the little scavenger has grown accustomed to a life of leisure and money, it seems. Well, I do hope nothing endangers it. A reputation is so hard to establish in a court of law”

“I have been low and penniless before, as you well know. I once though you my hero, my saviour, and overlooked anything people might say of you. Your temper, your propensity toward violence. I can see now, I was mistaken to overlook those things. They are not the exception; your act of kindness was” He watched her speak with hooded eyes. His fingers moved their path from her neck, and one ran a long slow line down her neck. She flinched at the sensation.

“Perhaps you are right, for I find myself no longer capable of such emotion, such weakness, it was beaten out of me. I joined the war effort, because you broke my heart, and I was adrift on a sea of loneliness without you. Now, my soul will never be restful again. My eyes will never forget the things I have seen, the depravity and death, the suffering and pure, senseless waste. My hands will never be clean, from the blood they’ve shed, and the lives they’ve taken.” he drawled, in almost a bored tone, and Rey flinched once more.

It struck deep.

Despite his cruelty and highhanded behaviour, it still broke her heart to think of the young man she had known, hardened by those things he talked off. It hurt to see the self-loathing in his eyes, all the ways he hated himself, for after all, this was Ben, the man she had loved without fail, since she had been a child.

A tear brimmed at her eye, and fell out, splashing down her cheek to hit his hand, freezing it.

He looked down at the wet splash on his skin, and slowly, removed the offending hand from her chest, releasing her hands as he went. She turned immediately from him and pressed herself away from him, against the wall he had crowded her against.  He stared at her a long moment.

“Tears will not move me, even if they are for me. Especially then” he warned.

“Just, leave me alone, I beg of you” she said, her voice muted, as she sought to control the pain piercing her chest.

“But, why would I do that, when you have been my constant companion, all these years. I have carried you with me, Rey. You have tormented me, the source of my weakness, my greatest defeat…” his tone with heavy with something similar to regret. She felt his hand, gently, almost reverently, touching her neck, caressing the wisps of hair that had escaped her bun. She shivered at the conflicting feelings it sent through her. Anger at his audaciousness, frustration at her powerlessness, sadness at his brokenness.

“It is time to recall the debt, your grace. There will be no escape, this time. There is nowhere to run, that I would not drag you back from” he said, leaning down to bring his eyes to her level, bringing an end to her desperation to avoid that hazel gaze.

“What do you want from me?” she asked finally,

“I want everything from you, sweetheart, as you took from me. Nothing less will slake my vengeance” With those final words send a chill down her spine, he turned on his heel and left, his coat flapping behind him, snatching up his gloves as he went.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is LONG - to make up for a week of no updates))
> 
> "The Braes of Balquhither" by Scottish poet Robert Tannahill (1774–1810) and Scottish composer Robert Archibald Smith (1780–1829)
> 
> Adapted in 1957, and again, to the most famous and popular version of this song "Will ye go, lassie, go" bye the Corries! (if you don't know this one, listen to it and think of Scotland))

 

Rey was subdued the next day, as she walked with Catherine and Rose, while Paige and their mother and father strode ahead, deep in conversation.

The previous morning with Ben loomed largely in her mind. Simon’s shocked face, his bluster, to Ben’s departing back, while shrinking away, reminded Rey of how alone she was, if someone like Ben should choose to dictate her future, there would be no one able to stand in his way.

Rose was similarly quiet, and Rey wondered what had happened at the dinner party that she might have missed, so fixated on Ben and his sudden appearance. She listened to Lady’s Catherine’s description of a funny episode between her brother and Miss Maxwell.

“Have they been acquainted long?” Rose asked.

“As long as Lord Solo has been known her, I suppose, at least 10 years” Catherine said.

“I cannot believe they were almost engaged” Rose said again, and Catherine shot Rey a censorious look.

“I doubt Lord Solo would be pleased for it to be common knowledge” she said, but it was hardly a reprimand. Rey shrugged.

“Maybe I don’t care to please Lord Solo” she said darkly, feeling for a moment his hand on her flesh, burningly hot, even through his gloves.

“And yet, you seem to do so effortlessly. He could hardly drag his eyes of you at dinner” Rose said. Rey coloured, adjusting her gloves as she went, to hid her eyes from their searching looks.

“Why, speak of the devil and he doth appear.” Catherine suddenly announced, and Rey felt a flurry of flight take shape in her. She looked up, and saw both Lord Hux and Ben, crossing the street in front of them, aiming to intercept them. Hux led the way, with Ben tailing behind. Their long coats practically brushed the ground, and with a top hat, Ben was ridiculously tall.

Rey dropped her eyes, unwilling to meet his direct stare.

“Dearest sister, how fortuitous. I was telling Ben where you were this afternoon, after you were not at home to entertain us” Hux said, with a smile at his sister. Rey was surprised to see it, it quite transformed his face, making him really quite handsome.

“Lady Catherine, it has been too long. I was saddened not to have the opportunity to talk with you further at your house”

“Benjamin Solo, you need not flatter me so. You were run off your feet with admirers of your military career and did not need my attention also” Catherine said, in her usual no nonsense tone. Rey risked a glance at Ben’s face, in the light of such a set down. The ghost of a smile played on his lips.

“I am glad that somethings, and some people, do not change.” Ben murmured agreeably, though Rey couldn’t help but read a reprimand for herself into his words.

“Miss Tico” Hux said to Rose, who was watching all with great curiosity. She bobbed a curtsey.

“Well, Lord Hux, it appears I have done you an injustice. It seems you do have distinguished friends after all” she said with a smile. Ben looked to her in curiosity.

“Was my reputation in question?” he queried.

“Certainly not, only whether Lord Hux may boast a relationship with you” Rose said. Hux narrowed his eyes at her.

“Lord Solo, this is Miss Tico, recently arrived from America”

“A pleasure to make your acquaintance, my lord. I have heard something of you, if you must know, from Lady Kanata” Rose said eagerly, and Rey felt her stomach lurch.

“Well, Miss Tico, you cannot believe everything you hear, I beg the opportunity to form a better first impression, than I suppose Lady Kanata has given me” Ben turned toward her, and as the only one who hadn’t been greeted, Rey knew it was impossible to prevent it longer.

“Good afternoon cousin.” Hux said, in a distracted tone, and Ben looked down to her, and spoke in the softest of voices.  
“Rey” he said, in way of greeting. Silence ensued following his address. It was improper, addressing her by her first name, and it also meant that he was revealing that they had an intimate acquaintance, to be so free with each other. She gradually levelled her eyes to his, not allowing her panic to show on her face, under so many watchful eyes.

“My Lord Solo” she said in response. It was a set down for someone to claim an intimacy, and the other to fail to reciprocate. Something darkened in his eyes, and she thought his mouth might have twitched upwards, but that was his only reaction.

“Well, Lord Solo and I were thinking of strolling along to Whites. Catherine is partial to the hot chocolate there, and we would be happy to escort you all, if you’d like?” Hux said, after the deafening quiet had reached its peak, in his customary bored tone.

“I have heard tale of this hot chocolate, that is it sinfully warm and delicious, and ever so slightly spicy!” Rose was exclaiming. Hux looked down at her in consternation.

“Does everything excite you so, Miss Tico?” he asked after a moment.

“Does everything bore you? You seem almost constantly without stimulation, Lord Hux, I cannot fathom how you endure such a dull life, as you seem to find it”

“I can assure you, I am plenty stimulated at present, being in your company seems to have that effect on me” Hux said, his pale neck growing red at the collar. His tone seemed intended to rebuke, but Rose merely smiled at him.

“What pretty compliments you pay me, Lord Hux. Since you make such a pleasing plea, I shall endeavour to enrich your day further and consent to accompany you to Whites, if only to save you from ennui.” She said.

“How do you manage to locate the only girls in London who might be as contrary as you, dear sister” Hux managed finally, taking his sister’s arm, and Rose’s on his left, as she held it out rather pointedly.

“Shall we? Lady Kanata?” Ben said, extending his elbow for her to take. She looked at it distrustfully.

“Worry not, I do not bite, not here, in public, at the very least” he said, and she threaded her arm through his and they followed their friends.

“You look tired”

“Do not pretend concern for my well-being” she snapped at him, grateful to be free of listeners.

“I pretend nothing, your tiredness pleases me. It means I have cost you sleep. I plan to cost you much more” he said, as they walked.

“I know what you are planning, you mean to ruin me, make me more scandalous than ever, alluding to a relationship between us, so I lose my title and inheritance. It is an obvious plan”

“If only it were so simple, I suppose it might already have been accomplished.” They walked in silence a few moments more.

“Well, is that all you’ll say on the matter? Surely you wish to taunt me more-“ she said, growing frustrated with his silence.

“I do not care to divulge more, at this time. Perhaps your punishment has already begun, in the wondering, the anxiety of my unpredictability” he said and Rey immediately knew it to be true. To worry about his plan and intentions were worse than anything.

“Well, now you have revealed it, I supposed I will not be scared by the tactic anymore” she said determinedly, and stopped, as he put a hand atop hers on his arm and stilled in the street.

“Are you confident that you can?” he said quietly, as she stared stubbornly at his chest. To meet that devil’s eyes was to know torment. His finger lifted her chin

“Look at me, Rey. Do not deny my power over you, or I shall be forced to remind you” he said sternly, and she lifted her face quickly, horribly aware of the scene they were making. As her eyes met his, he smiled, and it was cold and ruthless expression.

“Good girl. Never fail to forget that I could ruin you, any place, and at any time. Right this moment, I could force my lips upon yours, in full view of the crowd. For a man’s reputation is not as easily dented, as a woman’s is entirely lost. The ton are looking for a reason to cast you out and strip you of your title, and even your dower.” He said to her. She glared at him, trying to force all her strength of anger at him through that scorching blaze.

“If you knew how your anger moves me, heats my body, with the desire to dominate it, subjugate the proud lioness, you would not look at me so” he said to her, and she looked a moment longer, before tearing her eyes away.

 She looked down at her toes, and resisted the urge to see his expression. He lingered, waiting to see if she would lose her patience again, if she would allow her anger to take hold. He seemed almost disappointed when she failed to respond to him once more, and tugged her arm to start her walking again, to where their friends awaited them, watching with curious expressions.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Armitage Hux had accompanied his sister to the chocolate parlour in Whites many a time. There were few truly decadent, girlish things that Catherine enjoyed, and hot chocolate was one of them. He therefore endeavoured to treat her to it, as often as he could.

He could hardly remember being quite so aware of the whole experience before, he realised, troubled. It was Miss Tico’s fault. She exclaimed over the room, with it’s beautiful leather booths with glass surrounds, dainty chairs and high corniced ceilings. It was gauche and unfashionable to express quite so much delight in something so ordinary. He felt sure that Miss Tico knew that well, and yet, she persisted in ignoring it.

She exclaimed over the menu, and then, over the chocolate pot, when it arrived. Her cheeks were pink with excitement, her brown eyes lively and merry. He had to look away. It was indecent, the enthusiasm she was showing. It was distracting. And that was nothing compared to the feeling it gave him when she teased him. He knew he was somewhat a figure of farcical propriety and English aristocracy to her. He was not relaxed amongst new people and lacked the ability to charm or flatter. Most people irritated him, quite terribly and Miss Tico was no different in that regard, however, what was strikingly different, was his own response. When she set him down, or acted impertinently, he found it rather unsettling, endearing almost, and often longed to be the object of her attention again, as soon as she had turned her focus to another.

He watched his new cousin closely, as Catherine conversed with Rose. She seemed distressed, and it was not difficult to reason out why. Ben stared at her at every opportunity, a dark promise to his gaze. There was something electric between them two of them, and Hux had the sudden feeling that if they should touch, lightening might crackle in the space around them. The hot chocolate was poured, and they busied themselves with drinking it. Rose was silent, and Hux found himself keen to hear her voice again.

“Miss Tico, does it fulfil your expectations?” he asked, when he could wait no longer to hear her opinion. She ruminated on it a moment, and then turned to him with a brilliant smile. It quite shook the cup in his hand.

“It is beyond my imagining. It is so exotic… I imagine distant shores and otherworldly people when I taste it. It tastes like all the places I should like to go and all the people I’d like to meet, all at once.” she said, inhaling it with rapture.

“I like it very much, Lord Hux, and I thank you, for bringing me here” she said, suddenly earnest. Hux choked on the thick drink in his mouth, coughing to clear it. If he had thought her teasing overwhelming, to be recipient of her heartfelt thanks was too much.

“Many ladies care for it, it is no unusual experience” he demurred, unsure what else to say.

“Then, I suppose I must be very ordinary, for I care very much for it too” she sighed into her cup. Hux found himself supressing the desire to disagree with her, for she was not very ordinary at all. Not to him.

He felt himself growing red and bumbling, as often happened when he felt under scrutiny, and looked to Ben to change the subject. Isolated at the end of the booth, he found his friend occupied.

Lady Kanata was sipping the hot chocolate, the cup held against her lips, and her eyes had drifted shut. It was a strange place to doze off, but he had the feeling that she was merely enjoying the moment.

She took a deep draught, and then, with her eyes still closed, smiled. He might not care much for the former lady’s maid who had pushed into his family, but even he could admit, it was a beautiful smile. There was an innocence there, of someone who is not spoiled by the excesses of society, who sees the world with the fresh eyes of one used to being without. His friend was apparently transfixed also, for Ben’s eyes never left her small smile, and he saw in that moment, the hardness, that Ben had donned like a mask since he had returned, fall away. In its aftermath, he saw his friend again, and his face was a picture of reverence. There was history between the two people at the end of the table, and he wished to know what it could be. Why that girl, could inspire such a look of devotion on Ben’s face, when he had been nothing but wretched for months.

Rey opened her eyes, and found Ben’s on hers, and blushed furiously, looking away as she did, laying her cup down, and closing in on herself. Ben crossed his arms over his chest and cleared his throat, and Hux could practically see him sitting his mask back across his expressive features, making him unreadable once more, and the spell was broken.

 

"I wanted to issue an invite to you, Lady Catherine and your brother, to join me at the theatre. My parents box has sat empty over long, and I would fill it with people who appreciate the arts. Miss Tico, you and your family are more than welcome to attend, and Lady Kanata, you as well”

“We have not yet attended the theatre here” Rose said immediately, with enthusiasm.

“Rey, will you come with us? Say you will, it is such a kind invitation” Rose cajoled, and Rey shook her head slowly.  
“I am in mourning still-“

“Half mourning, which is completely appropriate, as it is a sombre play” Ben interjected as Rey kept her eyes resolutely from his face.

“I believe I am occupied” she continued smoothly.

“But he hasn’t said the night of the play yet” Catherine reminded her. She swallowed hard.

“When was it, Lord Solo?” she asked. He gave her an amused smile.

“Why don’t you tell me the nights you are occupied, in half-mourning, and I shall endeavour to find an available evening” he said, and Rey could have slapped him. To be sat with him in a box for hours on end, in the dark. She would sooner die. She would find a way to release herself from the obligation she promised.

“How very kind” she said, biting her tongue as he mocked her, his eyes goading.

“I try” he murmured.

“The theatre! How exciting, will you come, Lord Hux?” Rose said, turning to him.

“Yes, I rather think the theatre sound just the thing” he said.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The night of the theatre approached, and Rey dressed forlornly in one of the nicer half mourning gowns she had, while Arte curled and pinned her hair.

“Cheer up, love. You’d think you were going to a wake than a play” said the servant as she clipped ear bobs on Rey, and fussed about.

Rey scowled at her image in the glass, hating seeing herself trussed up so, just to be paraded and humiliated before everyone in attendance. She had no doubt that is what Ben had planned. There was no other reason to have invited her, going so far as to send a handwritten note to Maz, extending the invite and telling her who else would be there.

“The Organa-Solo box, my goodness. That is something I should be sorry to miss” Maz had said regretfully, tucking the elegantly written parchment away.

“But you must attend, this is exactly the type of situation that will establish you in society. To be seen with Lord Hux and his sister, would make it all the more awkward were they to challenge you. And, Lord Solo, son of a dear friend. He could make things much easier for you in the ton, Rey.” Her voice did not say the subsequent implication, that he could also make things much harder. Rey held her tongue, the last thing she wanted was to upset Maz, or cause her more worry. She already knew their history and that it had ended badly. It was enough to worry her over, without telling her that Ben had returned hell bent on enacting a personal vendetta against her.

“Will you not attend?”

“I am going to visit an old friend, someone who may make all the difference to us. I would take you with me, but I think, for this particular person, it would be better to go alone., and worry not, I will have young Finn on hand for safety.”

Maz said, her empathetic eyes taking in Rey’s downcast reaction. She held her hand out to her, and Rey took it immediately, holding it hard for strength and comfort.

“Rey, dearest girl. You will tell me, if there is something amiss? You seem out of sorts lately.” Maz said. Rey again wished to confess all, but to say how turned about her heart was by Ben, with Dopheld not cold in the ground, was too much. She gave her a smile.

“I am well, as you see”

“That is what worries me” she watched her a long time, before letting go of her hand.

“No matter, I shall fix it all for us, with the help of my friend, and soon, we will be in Dunbeath again, with the sea air on our faces and nothing but wild mountain thyme and blooming heather around us” Maz said, referencing her favourite poem but the Scotsman Robert Tannahill.

“Promise?” she whispered, and Maz smiled deeply.

“Sweet girl. Goodness knows, I should want more for you than a life of widowhood in the wilds, but I am selfish too, and I do not want to be parted from you.”

“Hurry back” was all Rey said in response.

 

The Tico sisters arrived to escort Rey to the dreaded theatre. She had already attempted to cry off, sending a note to the Solo residence, hoping for it to be put aside by a footman and read the next day.

Unfortunately, a messenger arrived a mere hour after she had made her excuses with a simple sentence scrolled in bold, fanciful writing.

 

_I shall either drag you from your sickbed, or join you in it, make your choice, scavenger._

She sat resigned in the carriage, wracking her brains to think why Ben might be going to this trouble, unless it was only to frighten her, have her on edge, and drive herself to distraction with worry. Whatever it was, it seemed to be working. She had barely eaten or slept in the week since the visit to the chocolate parlour, and given her naturally slender physique, already showed signs of gauntness. Where Ben was too broad and muscular to be considered in fashion, she was too lean and straight in silhouette, and this week had only heightened it.

 

"What will we be seeing?"

“The main opera is Artexerxes, but there will be a farce and pantomime afterwards” Rose said. The carriage brought them quickly toward Drury Lane and the newly built Theatre Royal there. The street was crowded with carriages, and it was painstaking work to weave through them. Rose was hanging out the window, her mother frantically trying to pull her back inside, bidding her to remain calm and aloof, as was the preferred composure of the well-bred ladies of the English aristocracy.

“But I see our escorts mother! Catherine!” she called from the window, and Rey steeled herself for the ordeal that was no doubt about to begin.

The carriage drew up, and Rose was already opening the door. They had stopped along the busy street, the driver content to let them exit onto the clogged road. They climbed one by one from the carriage, and Rey saw Ben waiting at the door.

Mrs Tico, leaving the carriage before, and in a move that Rey was unashamedly thankful for, wobbled a little as she stepped down, forcing Ben, who was the closest to the door, to reach out for her. Her voice wavered with admiration as she thanked him.  
“Commander Solo! Thank goodness, I am not usually so clumsy” she was saying. Rey smiled to herself, at Rose’s mother’s inadvertent slip of military title, reducing his station greatly, as she quickly left the carriage unaided. She skilfully manoeuvred herself to Rose’s side and took up her arm.

 

Inside was a crush of bodies, dressed in their finest, reeking of pomade and perfume, added to the candles burning all around, the air was heavy and suffocating. Rey trailed after their party, as Ben led the way to the Organa-Solo box, trying to put off the inevitable as long as possible.

She soon realised her mistake, as Ben paused in the curtained entrance to the box, holding back the heavy drapes, allowing everyone through. As she approached, he smirked down at her, and her obvious attempts to evade him. She stepped inside, and saw to her dismay that the chairs were arranged in a sort of procession, two abreast. The front one’s had been taken by the elder Ticos. Rose and her sister sat in the next, just behind them and Hux and Catherine followed. It left two chairs side by side, alone at the back.

The curtain fell behind her, the box darkening dramatically, as Ben stepped forward and placed his hand on the small of her back. She propelled forward, hastening to sit in the chair nearest the drop, and folded her hands primly on her lap, her gaze absorbed with the view down below at the orchestra warming up, and people finding their seats. There were whispers from the surrounding boxes, and Rey felt as though Ben was staring a hole in the side of her face. She focused on those half-heard words instead of engage with him. She felt all aflame, her heart beating fast, her breath short. She was being ridiculous, she knew it well, but being so close to him, seeing him, in his opera clothes, in all his state, was rather overwhelming. She reminded herself that they were not here as friends, and he was openly engaging in a mission to terrorise her, and it sobered her somewhat. It was difficult though, to maintain that position, to keep his anger at the forefront of her mind, because, sometimes when she glimpsed his smile, or heard him speak warmly, it was as he would simply turn to her and laugh, tease her for believing his charade, and simply be her Ben again.

“Do you mean to avoid me all evening?” he asked finally, as she squinted at her programme in the half light.

“I can read it to you, if you’d like” he said, surprising her. That surprise was quickly quashed when she realised he was only looking for another way to embarrass her and remind her of her previous ignorance.

“Thank you for your concern, but I am no longer in need of a teacher” she snapped at him. He gave her a vaguely amused smirk.

“I merely meant the light is better nearer the door. Retract your claws, Lady Kanata” he said quietly, and Rey felt doubly embarrassed.

She turned her face from his, and suddenly heard her name being whispered in the box behind them. She listened, and her cheeks reddened at the little she made out.

 

“It is! The servant whore to Dopheld Kanata, probably so addled by illness he might have married his horse for all he knew” cruel giggling ensued.

“Sitting in the Organa-Solo box, I suppose we know who her next conquest is, though, I doubt he’d have her. Lord Solo is not one to turn his head for a pretty pair of eyes, as pleasing as hers might be, they are still a commoners”. She didn’t want to hear any more.

She dropped her chin, hiding her filling eyes in the darkness, as she watched her fingers twist in her lap.

Suddenly, a hand reached for her, black leather gripping firmly and tugged her to her feet. She choked off a cry of protest, blinking her eyes furiously, as a stone-faced Ben practically dragged her to the edge of the box, to overlook the seating behind.

“Lady Fletcher. I thought I overheard your dulcet tones.” Ben said sharply, to the reddening matron sitting beside her daughter. They stared at Ben and Rey, and Ben’s hand dug sharply into hers, almost making her gasp, urging her to participate. 

“Lord Solo! What a pleasure, and an honour. We had heard you’d returned from the peninsula, but not had the chance to see you out this season. How well you have taken up your grandfather’s legacy” the eldest woman simpered. Rey risked a glance at Ben’s face, and almost pitied the woman, when she saw the condescension written plainly there.

“I keep selective company. On that note, allow me to introduce you to her grace, Lady Kanata, Duchess of Takodana” Ben said, forced the women to rise, and greet Rey, as he stared at them expectantly.

“Pleasure to meet you -” the youngest said demurely, and only finished the address when Ben glowered at her.

-your grace” she said, before sitting pettily, flushed with her embarrassment. Her mother performed a little more gracefully. In silence that followed, Lady Fletcher sought to break it, exclaiming,

“What a treat this evening shall be-“

“Enjoy the show, and good evening” Ben said curtly, and turned away. He returned to their seats in rapid steps, while Rey trailed behind him. She sat down, and looked to him. His anger seemed spent, he was staring hard at the program.

“If you let them upset you, you let them win.” he said mildly, after a long moment. Rey watched him carefully, his constructed air of nonchalance, his simmering anger, always loosely lidded.

“I can hardly stop myself from being upset, I don’t have that kind of control. My heart is not made of stone” she murmured in reply. He glanced at her, his brown eyes cool and assessing.

“It seems not. Nevertheless, cry if you want to, tremble and pout and complain, but do not do so before those who would find victory in it” he advised, and an incredulous laugh fell from her lips.

“Do you speak of yourself?”

“I should. It is how I should feel. It is how I _want_ to feel.” He said, rather cryptically, and then, the orchestrate started to play below, and the theatre fell quiet. Rey stared at Ben in the darkness, until she could make out no more, and then turned to the stage, and the story and love and loss about to be acted out there.

It was partway through the second act, as the war was created on stage, and the opera’s most famous song was aria with poignancy, that Rey became aware of the shifting energy beside her.

The cymbals clashed, the sounds of combat, swords clashing, and men crying out, filled the theatre. It made her heart jump a little, but that was nothing compared to the look that had come over Ben’s face. She turned to see him, a sudden pallor of his complexion taking her notice. He was deathly white, and she could see that his shoulders, lodged firmly beneath his ears, were almost shaking. His hands were clenched on his knees, the leather pulled tight across his knuckles. His eyes were fixed on the scene below, darting to and forth. A sudden boom sounded, and he flinched, his lips snarling back over his teeth.

“Lord Solo?” she tried, leaning a little closer to him, to try and distract his eyes from the stage. She noticed his chest did not seem to be rising or falling. He was stuck, breathless, in some memory, dragged there by the violent scene and inescapable music, almost deafening in the enclosed space.

“Lord Solo” she tried again, reaching out a hand toward him, well concealed in the darkness.

She found his hand, hard as stone under her fingers.

“Ben” she tried, remembering his anger at her use of his name before. It still elicited no reaction.

She was becoming more and more worried. He hadn’t seemed to breath in minutes, locked in some invisible battle. She leaned into his side, throwing propriety out the window for a moment, as her fingers battled to loose his fingers from his knees, and whispered in his ear, his lips gently brushing the skin there.

“Benjamin Solo. You are not at war, you are in the Theatre Royal, watching a play, and I am beside you.” She said, and felt him take the slightest, shuddering breath. He paused, and then took another, though his gaze was still locked on the stage.

“Ben, come back. You are safe here. You are safe.” she tried, leaning away, as his hand opened and closed around her fingers, pressing his palm against hers, and his eyes shifted to her face. What she saw there arrested her greatly. It was devastation and loss, and pain and guilt on a scale that Rey couldn’t begin to understand. He took a long breath, and another, his chest expanding, and stopping that inward deflation.

He turned to her, every emotion he was feeling plain of his face, and it was difficult to see. It was to look trauma and suffering in the eye, and then, he stood and strode toward the curtain, pushing it open, he disappeared into the corridor. Hux turned at his departure, and eyes Rey speculatively.

“Lord Hux, I believe you should follow Lord Solo. I believe he is quite distressed” Rey said, lingering on the edge of her seat. Hux looked to the curtain and back to Rey.

“I think your presence might be better tolerated than mine.” He said. Rey chewed her lip as she thought about it. Why would she even consider it? All he had done was abuse her since they had been reunited, and yet, there was something so familiar about him, in that moment. She had a sudden thought, that the real Ben, the one who had plucked her from the streets, and cried at his mother’s bedside, was trapped within the cold, hard stranger who had returned to London. That Ben, the one of her heart, was looking out through cruel, dark eyes, and begging her to help him, to release him from his purgatory. She stood, looking to Mr and Mrs Tico.

“Go now, there is more than half this act remaining” Hux advised. She knew how unwise it was to trust advice from her cousin, who may still seek to unseat her, but when it came to his friend, Lord Hux had proved to be attentive and caring. She nodded to him, and followed Ben.

The corridor outside the box was empty, dimly lit with candles, a rich red carpet, and patterned walls. Despite being high ceilinged it felt closed in, as she started to walk in a direction. She passed by a curtained alcove, where people could go to rest during acts, or sit in intermission. This one had the curtain closed. The recognition of the strangeness of that fact was only occurring to her, when a hand shot out, and she was being pulled inside the small, secluded area.

Ben loomed over her, pressing her immediately back against the alcove wall, and a chair back, that rested there. His hands came to cup her face, as she looked at him in surprise. His cheeks were wet, a fact that shocked her, his eyes red rimmed, and he was still deathly pale. “Rey” he murmured into her hair, over and over, as he pulled her against him, and into the wall simultaneously. His hand fell to her shoulders, to roam over her back and waist, and all the while, he whispered her name like a prayer.

“You burn me… so warm, like the light made flesh” he said, his lips moving over the skin of her forehead, and she felt her entire body heat beneath the caress of his breath.

“And I am always so cold, carved from ice, lost in the snow of the mountains, did I leave that forsaken place? Did I die there, and this is my hell… or is it heaven?” he muttered, as he leaned back to see in her eyes.

“But you look upon me, an angel still, and I see my soul is blacker than night, and damned as the devil’s himself” he was murmuring, as he pressed his full body against hers.

She felt a hunger open up within her at his touch, and it felt shameful. To thrive in his demanding arms and be thrilled by his possessive touch was wrong, and yet, she couldn’t deny that there was a part of her that revelled in her power over him.

Suddenly, he pulled back, only pressing his hips against her now, keeping her in place with his weight and she could feel him, solid against her belly, his eyes had moved to her lips, and he ran a fingertip over them, until they parted. He lowered his mouth to hers, so slowly, she felt her heart start to pound in her ears.

When their lips touched, everything else fell away. He kissed her softly, and it surprised her. For all his bluster and anger, his threats of retribution, he kissed her like a promise and a prayer, a worshiping.

She let her lips part more, and he groaned somewhere low in his throat, and started to rock his hips and hard length against her, forceful thrusts that made her knees feel weak.

She had no knowledge of carnality still, no true idea of what might occur between a man and wife, only that the way Ben was moving was send heat rushing through her, and for a moment, she longed to reach down and touch him, run her fingertips against that straining length in his britches, to feel his surprise. He was vulnerable, like this, she realised. Consumed by passion, he seemed more himself once more. She brought her hands up to his lapels, and pulled him closer into the kiss, her tongue tangling with his, an obscene wet sliding, making her toes curl, and Ben pant against her mouth.

Something inside her was spurring her on, curious and hungry for what Ben knew, and alluded to, the acts that he persisted in engaging in with her, something inside her desperately longed to find out. Being married to Dopheld, with not the slightest encouragement in that fashion, her sensuality had lain dormant, since Ben. Ben had banked a fire within her, and now, years later, he set it alit.

Her head fell to the side, as his lips moved away from her mouth, and she whimpered a little at the loss. They continued to her ear, tracing the shape, sucking her ear lobe into his mouth, all the while his hips ground against her in a lewd rhythm.

“Rey?” Rose’s voice was a crash of icy water across them, and Rey pulled back the instant it penetrated the haze that had fallen over them.

They stood staring at each other, Ben in want and irritation at being interrupted, Rey in shock and confusion, desire still rolling through her veins even as rationality pressed in. She took a small step toward the curtain, and Ben raised a hand to stay her.

“Do not run from me” he said, quietly but forcefully, his eyes demanding she stay.

“Reyna…” Rose called again from the hall, her voice moving further away and with a last glance at Ben, she gracefully dodged his hand, and slipped out into the crowded hallway.

“Oh! It’s intermission, and the third act is meant to be better than the first two combined” Rose said happily, linking her arm through her friend’s.

“Are you well? You seem flushed”

“I am fine.” Rey said meekly, as she let herself be led from the upper floor to the lower hall below.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

That night, Rey awoke with a start in her bed, feeling the too hot sheets scratch against her body, still warm and lush from Ben’s ministrations and her own limited imagination.

He had not reappeared in the box, and she had left with the Ticos, her curiosity unsatisfied. She wondered if he felt as she had, if something had changed within them, when they had touched. She dismissed it as being fanciful, the notions of a curious maiden, and thought she quite made the picture of one now, lying alone in her pristine bed, prim white night gown and hair bound in a long plait, her lurid imaginings costing her sleep.

The soft crackle of the fire in the grate pulled her attention, as she threw the covers back and turned to see a hearty blaze glowing in the hearth. It was no wonder she was hot, she thought, as she stared at it. In the small hours of the night, the fire was usually banked and slumbering, as she was.

Awareness prickled along every nerve as she realised someone must have entered her room to stoke the fire.

The room was dark, heavy drapes hiding the moonlight, but, the orange light danced over all, and she saw him then, a dark, hulking shadow, seated by the fire, the chair turned to watch her.

Ben was in her room, in the night, and they were alone.

Fear ripped through her, and that same curiosity as before. The most irritating was the relief, that he seemed to be well, after his episode at the theatre. She lay there and watched him, watching her. After a long time, she spoke.

“You shouldn’t be here” she said quietly, slowly pushed herself up on her elbow. He smiled at her words, a bitter melancholy twist of his full lips.

“The angel casts the devil back to hell. I am well-aware, my sweet. I should never have survived the war. I didn’t mean to, in the end, but it seems I was meant to torment you, once more” he said grimly.

“You don’t have to” she said, now leaning on her hand, her legs curled under her. He made no move, just watched her with fascination.

“Why would you comfort me? At the theatre…” he asked suddenly.

“Because you needed it”

“So, you would comfort anyone in the same fashion”

“No” she said quickly, knowing it to be truth.

“Why did you shame those women over me?” she asked in return.

“Because, even if you had remained a river rat to this day, you would have been immeasurably more valuable than those simpering fools, even were they queens. And besides, you are mine to torment. I will not suffer anyone else the same privilege.” he said darkly, and Rey frowned, trying to understand his logic.

He stood, and she shrank back, reaching down and pulling up the heavy covers, pooled at her knees, to cover up to her chin. He gave a brief smirk at the action, as he approached the bed.

“I can’t have your love, so I will have your hate. You owe me a grand emotion, and a place in your head.” He said softly, as she struggled to grasp his meaning. He had arrived at her bedside, and she felt terribly vulnerable, lying while he stood over her, a tower of a man, with wicked intent.

“Do you always close your eyes when you drink chocolate? Or was it mere artifice?” he asked suddenly, coldly. She tried to keep up with his mercurial mood.

“I wasn’t aware I did” He stared down at her, his eyes burning. Reaching out a leather clad hand, he gripped the edge of her covers, and slowly, pulled them down from her neck

“These won’t protect you” he warned, his rough words at odds with the gentle way he sat beside her, the bed dipping under his weight and rolling her toward him.

“What game are you playing with me?” he asked at length, his eyes running over her every feature, as though trying to find a lie there.

“No game, we are no longer children” she reminded him.

“Adults play the most dangerous games of all” he leaned forward, bringing his face closer to hers, and she felt a thrill in the pit of her stomach, that he was going to kiss her, and then, the following shame, that she was anticipating it.

“Do you want to play a game with me, Rey?” he said softly, his lips only just brushing hers, letting all her blood rush there.

“I don’t know” she said shakily. Ben lent forward, his mouth hovering over hers, pulled her bottom lip into his mouth, and held it gently with his teeth. The slight pain, faded to pleasure, as blood returned in the wake of his bite.

“Do you?” she suddenly asked, feeling his uncertainty. He stared into her eyes as though his answer lay somewhere inside her.

Instead of answering, he leaned back in, and captured her mouth in a searing kiss. He pressed her back into the bed, as his mouth bore down on hers with an intensity that made it hard to breath.

His body had shifted onto the bed completely, and now, he pressed himself against her, his weight bearing down on her, and making her feel prone and supplicant beneath him. The strangest part was how she found she didn’t mind the feeling. His hands in their gloves were moving to the laces of her gown, and she felt she should stop this madness now, before it was something to regret. But as his fingers brushed her nipples, hard and desperate for his touch, she was no longer sure she would regret it. She moved a hand to the laces, and he stopped, looking down at her with hooded eyes.

“You will not deny me” he said darkly, as his fingers tugged loose the lacing and her own fell away, without ever really hindering him.

“You do not wish to deny me, I can see in your eyes, you wish for the pleasure a man may give you” he murmured, as her chest was finally laid bare, under layers of gentle muslin. He lowered a hand to her breast, and cupped it softly, thumb brushing a nipple, so sensitive she shuddered at the sensation. He kneaded the soft globe in his hand, harder, and harder still, until an ache broke open inside Rey, raw and hungry.

“Not any man – only you” she said, through her haze of pleasure. If felt important for Ben to realise, this feeling in her, was not merely physical. It was the culmination of her love, and her longing and all her worry in their time apart. This feeling was made by him, and could only be unmade by him. Her words seemed to wind him, he looked at her in wonder,

“Don’t cheat, it is against the rules of the game” he admonished her finally, though the strange new light that had entered his gaze at her words burned brightly within him. He lowered his mouth to her breast, and she thought no more.

There was not an inch of her that escaped his attention, as his mouth moved downwards, tugging her shift to her waist. As his stubble dragged up her ribs, beneath her breasts, before his lips latched onto her nipples again, she felt his hands slip around her to cup her buttocks. It seemed impossible to feel his touch correctly now, when his skin was denied her.

“Your gloves. Remove them” she ordered, writhing her hips against him. He stilled immediately, and she could feel a great reluctance.

“I do not remove my gloves”

“I wish them gone”

“I retain them for you” he confessed, though the words were too strange and her mind too addled by lust to perceive his warning.

“I would have your skin on mine… please, Ben.” she said, reaching out a hand to cup his cheek, as he sat back on his knees, straddling her, and looking down at her with an unreadable expression. After a long minute, he took his hands from her, and started to pull off his gloves.

“Very well, but remember, when you shudder, that you have demanded it, when I thought to spare you. And because of that, I shall not wear them again to touch you, even if it sickens you” he said, his voice tight and harsh, at odds with the passion running between them. His gloves fell to the side, and she smiled in satisfaction. Reaching out a hand to take his, she felt for the source of his reluctance, sure that there must be one.

Her fingers ran along his, finding the skin marred and run, like candle wax had dripped down them. Some patches were rough, others smooth, and she could well imagine their shine. He was silent at her inspection. Her throat closed, and she found it hard to swallow past the obstruction. A tear ran soundlessly down her cheek, as she bit her lip to make no noise to judge him with.

He was tense over her, a corded bow, and there were no words she could think of that might release that strain. Instead, she pulled his fingers to her lips, and pressed a sweet kiss there, and then, lifted the back to her tear stained cheek, and rubbed his ruined fingers against her skin, turning her face into them.

She could barely see his face in the shadows of the room, yet, she felt his mood shift, a softening, so tender and sacred, as he took control back of his hand, and wiped her tears from her cheek, soothed the skin there.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked, a question from a man confused, a man so very lost. She hesitated to answer, unsure how to admit the feelings in her heart, how she had loved him and longed for him without end. How, despite his threats and dark promises, seeing him again had brought a tiny touch of colour into a world that had seemed all too grey.  He was domineering and selfish and controlling, and how she had missed him.

In her introspection, her silence scattered the intimate mood of the room, the one where Ben had started to cast of his stranger’s anger and hardness, and become the man she had cared for again.

He pushed back from her, almost stumbling from the bed, in the dark. He gathered his coat in near silence, and strode to the door. She pulled her gown shut, as she watched him mutely. He paused at the threshold.

“Have your servants lock the doors better, this is not Dunbeath. Monsters lurk in the dark here” he said shortly, and left.

Rey could only stare at the door, his abrupt departure jarring and confusing. He had claimed an aim of punishing her, debasing her, bending her to his will, to exact retribution, and yet, under her fingers he trembled, and seemed so terribly lonely, it filled her cavernous heart with sadness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys... the feedback on the last chapter was phenomenal, I feel so lucky to have such sweet and thoughtful readers. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this one... we are moving into the belligerent sexual tension phase/monster ben gets SHOOK - by sweetheart Rey/how to tame a dragon/beauty gentles the beast. 
> 
> Also - Roux! Didn't think I'd enjoy writing this relationship so much... but there you go!
> 
> I feel like everyone is super worried after last chapter that Ben will be rough with Rey, or too cruel and punishing... I want him to be as close to canon, and I feel like Kylo Ren would find it difficult to truly hurt or force Rey (throwing into tree, not withstanding). They had a unique connection, that would make it hard to hurt each other too much, physically anyway... I feel... hopefully you guys agree and enjoy the ride they are about to go on. There is still plenty bodice ripping to come. 
> 
> Worry not about Rey, she isn't about to do anything she doesn't want to. I know she's very prim and proper, on one hand, but on the other hand, she's only human, and knows next to nothing about the feelings in her body Ben inspires. She's curious ok? Plus... if Maz gets her way, and they go back up to Dunbeath together forever, she might never get to find out what fun can be had between two consenting adults)) Soft boi Ben is her kryptonite, and pushy hardass Kylo can get lost.


	19. Chapter 19

“I want the stable at the new Alderaan House to rival my father’s, I leave it in your hands, Dameron.” Ben said, as he finished looking over the adjustments to his carriage his head groom and coachman had made. Despite their beginning, Poe Dameron had become an invaluable member of his staff, and one who he had judged too harshly, he could now, freely admit.

“Will you be coming out to the estate any time soon? I had a small surprised prepared, with a little help… I know you will like it very much” Poe said, watching his taciturn master fiddle with his gloves, still too pale and drawn under the sweet early summer sun. A smile touched his lips, and he nodded.

“I will endeavour to visit soon. It has been too long. I confess, I did not foresee staying overly long in town once the season started, but I have no plans to escape it just yet” he said.

“Begging the intrusion, but this wouldn’t have anything to do with the new Duchess of Takodana, would it?” Poe asked, and was subject to Ben’s heavy gaze landing on him.

“It might. What do you know of her?”

“Now, nothing at all, my lord, only that she is rather a legend and a treasure to the staff, milord and there was a time when you were really rather protective of-“

“Enough, I grow weary of your impertinence. I need no reminding of my weakness where that woman is concerned” Ben warned, starting up the stairs to the house of Grosvenor Street.

“If you don’t mind me saying, my lord, caring about someone isn’t weakness. Forgiving them, isn’t either” Dameron called. Ben hesitated on the stairs, before tossing back a ridged stare.

“Do you not have work to attend to?” he reminded the head groom, and went inside, dismissing him. He was becoming overly easy in his company, a horrible trait of his personality which Ben would have to watch.

Inside his library, alone, however, the words were less easy to dismiss. Rey was the only reason he lingered in London, instead of escaping for the rest and recuperation that Alderaan promised. He found he could not quite bring himself to leave, with her out, in his absence. The thought of people of the ton snubbing her, made his blood boil, as it were he himself they were berating. The whole thing made him angry. It was supposed to be simple. Seduce her, and use her and leave her broken, as he felt she had done him, the perfect fool to go off to war, and lose himself.

It was the damned chocolate parlour, that muddied the lines, he thoughts grimly, sparing an evil thought for Hux.

Seeing her close her eyes, as she had drunk the sweet, frothy beverage, transported him back years, to a secluded rose garden, and Spanish rolls in a bag, and a beautiful girl, just becoming a woman, who had looked at him like he was good, and whole, and her idol. He had wondered for a moment, that if Rey could still savour her chocolate like that, if she might ever be able to look at him the same way as she had then, before the world fell apart, and he lost a piece of himself on some foreign field.

And then, the theatre, when the noise and sounds had crowded in, her voice and her touch had pulled him free.

He had been cruel to her, mocked her and threatened her, and yet, she offered him comfort. Her compassion had stolen his anger from him somehow, robbed him of his righteous indignation.

 

"My Lord, you have a caller” Wokesly said from the door, as Ben cast off his cravat, and undid his waistcoat, stifled under the stiff satin.

“Who is it?”

“He identified himself as a Sir Snoke, milord” Wokesly said, a slight rise to his eyebrow that contained the faintest disapproval. Ben froze at the name, a sudden screaming starting up in his head.

“My Lord?”

“Yes, send him to the drawing room, I will attend him presently” Ben mumbled, still suffering the paralysis of unwelcome shock.

The last he had seen the man, he had been on the deck of the Supremacy, preparing to leave with Moore’s men, and Snoke had seemed to reluctant to let him go. That they had both survived the gruelling campaign and the arduous journey back was surprising.

He gathered himself, rebuttoning his waistcoat, and walked to the drawing room, pausing outside to calm his nerves.

Inside, he found his former Admiral standing at a cabinet of antique ornaments, his mother’s treasures. He turned at the sound of his entry. Ben bit down his disquiet, as seeing the man’s face. It was even thinner and more skull like than before, a hideous scaring pulling his cheek to the side, and sucking it in. He forced a smile to his lips in greeting.

“Admiral, what a pleasant surprise, I am honoured that you have sought me out.” He said, as Snoke’s eyes perused him slowly.

“Commander Solo, though I suppose I must now call you My Lord” he remarked.

“Of course not, we are familiar, you may be relaxed with me” Ben said instantly. Snoke chuckled.

“How very kind of you” he said, and came to the fire, and the seats arranged there, sitting down and looking to the tea service that Wokesly brought in.

“I heard you were injured gravely on the retreat, I am relieved to see you unchanged”

“I am not unchanged, yet I can manage, much as I used to”

“Yes, the body may heal and endure. And what of the mind, young Solo?” Snoke asked, and the title irritated Ben. He shook off the feeling, and raised his eyes to his mentor.

“The mind stays forever scarred. I pray that one day, I can forget the terrible things done in name of King and country”

“Why on earth would you wish that? Out there, sword in hand, blood stained and honest, you were your greatest self. Savage and bloodthirsty, you were magnificent. And do not fool yourself, you went beyond what most might in the name of King and country” Snoke said. Ben felt the blood drain from his face.

“You were my teacher”

“Yes, I was, and I am proud of the work we did together, the deeds we accomplished. To regret them now is an insult”

“Regardless, my assignment is at an end, I am discharged and must settle to life as it was once more”

“You will never experience life as it was again… you have seen beyond the veil, you have looked at life from the other side, free of morals and constraints, shame and mercy… you have been liberated. Nothing can now stand in your way, nothing may keep you from what you desire.” Snoke said watching him avidly. Ben strove to remain his composure.

“I do not wish to live a life stuck in the past. I will endeavour to forget the worst of my experiences at war, and live a dignified life.”

“A weak life, you mean… to pretend to be an ordinary man, when you were once a young god, is a failing and an embarrassment. I didn’t expect such from you, you who knew no mercy”

Ben looked away and fixed his eyes on the clock ticking on the mantle, the quiet sound of the mechanism filling the silence of the room. He composed himself and would not enter into argument with the man before him.

“And what do you desire, from this ordinary life? Do not tell me… a happy estate, a friendly wife and fat children” Snoke made each one seem an insult. Ben shrugged lightly.

“There are worse futures”

“Not for you, there aren’t, and not for your little wife”

“Meaning” Ben worked hard to keep his emotion from his face, knowing that it would only spur Snoke’s vitriol.

“Meaning, you are a man who had dipped his hands in life blood countless times, and revelled in death. You have inflicted pain and misery with a mastery I have never witnessed. You were so good at it, Lord Solo, because you enjoyed it – whether you admit it to yourself or not”

“You are mistaken”

“And now, you lie to yourself. Wait until you grow bored of your obliging wife, and she annoys you, until you start to imagine how squeezing her neck to stop her rambling, or knocking a self-satisfied look from her face would feel so delicious… “

“No – I would never touch her in anger” Ben started, and scowled as he realised what he had revealed. Snoke had goaded him, and he had proved an easy mark, he admonished himself. Snoke’s face showed his excitement, like an animal moving in for the kill.

“So, there is a young lady you admire? Congratulations. I would love to meet her. I see so little of society, it would be a great honour to attend an event with you, and see how the ton fares, if you find me up to snuff, off the field of battle, that is” he said, staring at Ben until he was forced to nod.

"Of course, I shall find something appropriate" he said, as she Snoke smiled in satisfaction, and stood to take his leave.

Ben was ridiculously relieved, and yet, as he saw him out, he couldn’t help the words Snoke had said so causally, sink through him like stones.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

A week passed in relative quiet, and Maz returned. Together they visited her friends, and Rey called on Rose and Paige. She told Maz of the ladies at the opera, and Maz took the news hard, especially as the lady in question had been one of Maz’s acquaintances. She hated to be a disappointment to Maz, and a source of upset for her, but as it stood, except for behaving impeccably, there was little she might do to change people’s opinions.

She felt ashamed of her behaviour when she thought of the night of the opera. Kissing in the alcove, where they could have been discovered by anyone, was a terrible failure of character. She was curious about Ben, this hidden vulnerability, it drew her in, but she couldn’t be so dismissive of propriety. Despite how she might try, she realised, she was naive, and untrained at this type of company. She acted too impulsively and genuinely, and without proper forethought. She tried to imagine Maz hearing of her behaviour, and was shamed anew.

Ben had not called on her again, and she had not seen him out in company. In fact, almost another week had passed before she saw him again, and by this time, her heart had grown tremendously fragile over their intimate experience.

She was taking tea with Catherine at her house, as Maz spoke with Lady Hux. Catherine was excited over an article concerning astronomy in the paper, and talking animatedly about it.

Lord Hux and Lord Solo entered, to greet the lady of the house, and Rey felt herself freeze under Ben’s dark gaze.

After threatening her with retribution, and then, kissing her senseless, revealing private, intimate parts of themselves, he had quite disappeared, leaving her forlorn and confused. She felt relieved and disappointed at the same time, a curious dichotomy.

The two gentlemen stayed to take tea, and Rey was pointedly aware of every moment spent sitting near Ben, without speaking with him directly. The minutes ticked by, until Catherine enquired if Ben had read the article she had been talking about. He confirmed he had, and the two of them chatted at length about the topic, while Lord Hux turned to her.

“I trust you are well, cousin?”

“I am, and you?”

“As well as usual, at this point in the season. It all starts to get a little tedious” he mused, before continuing.

“I suppose you dear friend Miss Tico would think me terribly spoiled and boring to find endless parties and engagements dull”

“I don’t know if she would, she was saying to me only the other day how she longs for some fresh, country air, and how the city is becoming tiring”

“She is not unwell?” Hux pressed, seeming concerned.

“No, not at all, only eager for a new experience, I suppose. I confess I miss the country also”

“Dunbeath is hardly country, more wilderness” Hux said.

“Perhaps it suits Lady Kanata’s wild nature” Ben suddenly said, joining the conversation, and making Rey blush, feeling he was alluding to their fire lit encounter.  

“I wish to show Lord Solo something with the telescope, brother. Can we adjourn upstairs?” Catherine said, already standing and moving eagerly toward the doorway.

“Of course, cousin Rey, will you join us?” Hux asked, as he stood also, and offered Rey his hand. Conscious of Ben watching her, she nodded, and took Hux’s hand politely, rising, and following them from the room. Ben took up the rear. They walked in silence along the hall, and Rey risked a glance back at him. He was frowning at the carpet, and seemed disinclined to speak. He seemed to sense Rey’s eyes on him, however, and met her eye.

“Lady Kanata, you look well” he said formally. Rey fought the urge to frown. He was as a stranger once more, and she would never have believed the intimacy they had shared only the week before.

“As do you, Lord Solo. Are you well?”

“I am as you see”

“That is not exactly an answer” she observed, and there was a tiny, quick as a flash tug of his lips.

“It is the best I can muster” he said, the words so muted, it made Rey stop, and turn to him, leaving Catherine and Hux to continue without them. Ben stilled, an arms-length from her, and looked at her warily.

“How are you, really?”

“I would fear for your delicate disposition to attempt the truth” Ben said, after a lengthy consideration. She gave him a small smile.

“I think you underestimate my disposition. I am not made of glass.” She said. He stepped closer to her after a heartbeat, his eyes warming a little to her.

“I am aware. You are flesh and blood, and it drives me to distraction” he admitted. Rey flushed, embarrassed, but oddly proud of his revelation.

“You are not without your own distractions, Lord Solo”

“You flatter me. I will use your feelings against you, you should know that. I am not a good man, Rey, even if somehow, you are convinced I am. I am a devil. You should know the man who pursues you. The man who would own you, if he could” he said slowly, and Rey frowned at the self-loathing in his tone.

“I wish to give you a fair warning, so you should know who seeks to possess you. I do not envisage hearts and happiness in our future relationship, Rey. You should know it, and know it well. I will subjugate you, when I have half a chance” he said, his voice a quiet mutter.

“Why would you say these things, after the other night?”

“Why not? It has changed nothing, except that know I know – you desire me in return. With that knowledge, I will not be swayed. I will finish what we started.” He said, a sound of dark promise to his words, but his eyes were far away, and he only seemed partly to be with her, hidden behind his hard mask.

“Where have you gone, Ben?” she asked, stepping closer to him, and daring to touch his chest, laying her hand lightly on his coat. He watched the motion, before his eyes moved to hers.

“Come back” she whispered. His gaze burned into hers so hotly, for a moment, she thought that the icy composure was going to break, and he would smile, and be himself again.

“I cannot” he replied. She stepped away from him, wrapping her arms around her middle at the sudden chill she felt.

“Your affection is inconstant and as changeable as the seasons. Your regard is fleeting, and unpredictable. You are playing with me, I feel. When you don an unfeeling mask and hide behind it, like a child. If you feel damaged by the war, tell me of your actions, if you feel yourself a monster, confess your sins. Don’t be a coward” She snapped at him, and turned away, meaning to hurry after Catherine and her brother, but Ben quickly reached her side with a long-legged stride, and pulled her to him. He walked them backwards until a wall came up against her back, and pressed his hand over her mouth, silencing her. His dark eyes were flashing down at her, but she felt no fear, as the anger inside her chest more than matched his offense.

“Do not speak of what you do not know. Even in your darkest imaginings you cannot begin to fathom the sins I have committed, the lines that had been crossed and humanity that was lost on the way. Do not rail at me as if I was your childhood sweetheart, he is gone. I am not him, and do not forget that I hold you responsible in part for his loss. If you had considered him, even once, his heart, his naïve feelings –“ he bit off, his nostrils flaring with his frustration.

“Do not look at me with compassion, and trust me, so completely and wholly, to be a man who you helped destroy! The real wounds I carry cannot be kissed away, and they would make my hands look a pretty picture” he hissed at her, and his words scorched a path of righteous anger through Rey.

She glowered as him as best she could, but nothing seemed to dent his own fury. His dismissiveness of the intimacy that had passed between them that night stung the most. The realisation that it might have been special and tender for Rey, but just another manipulation to Ben, twisted in her guts. The soft leather of his gloves was hateful on her skin, another mask to hide behind, and without further thought she sank her teeth into a fingertip, hard through the leather, and into his flesh.

He grunted, surprised, but not shaken, and slowly loosened his hand, moving it to bracket her jaw instead, as she stared at him defiantly.

“You take little responsibility for your selfish desires and the character faults that drove me away in secret before, and less still, for the decision to go to war, which was wholly your own. You are the man you made yourself to be. I will take no blame in it.” She challenged.

They glared at each other, and Ben lips finally dropped to her lips, and that anger seemed to seep slowly away, as he rubbed a thumb against her lower lip, holding her head in place, despite her attempts to turn away.

“I like it when you fight back, little scavenger… I will enjoy conquering you all the more. Maybe you are right, and I am exactly the man I am meant to be, the man I made myself. If I am that monster, you are my prey and it is only fitting then, that I savour your resistance. For I find it sweet indeed… sweet and enticing, this scent of fear” he murmured, running his nose up her cheek and pressing his face into her hair.

“I am not afraid of you” she said quietly. He stilled, dropping his forceful grip, after a moment, and leaned away, so she was free to move.

“You should be” he muttered, as she took her opportunity to escape, anger fuelling her to shoulder past him, forcing him back a step, as she stormed away up the corridor, leaving him alone, with his demons.  

 

* * *

 

 

 

Anger at Ben propelled Rey through another two weeks of engagements. Luckily, she did not have to see him often, and when she did, she went out of her way not to be alone with him. Each night the house was locked up tight, and when he came to call, which happened three times, she asked Maz to attend him alone.

After the two weeks, her anger started to fade, and she saw him less and less often. He did not call again, and even at a supper at Catherine’s house, he was not in attendance. She was relieved, almost completely. The other part of her, hateful and weak, worried at his absence, if he were ill or fallen into melancholy, such as his terrible moods seemed to suggest he was plagued with, or even that awful episode in the theatre. There was much to worry over, in the state of Ben’s emotions, volatile and explosive, but the person who she worried for most in them, was himself. It might make her naïve, but it was what her heart told her.

Catherine was introducing a new acquaintance to them that evening, a young woman by the name of Miss Erso. She was ward to a great family, her own parents having perished when she was only young. Paige and Rose were also in attendance, and Catherine revealed the reason for her supper.

“I thought that Miss Erso might be happy to meet with other young ladies who have a good deal more to talk of than silk dresses and dances” she had suggested, and after gentle conversation, Rey found a great deal to discuss with Miss Erso, who asked her to be familiar with her, and use her first name, Jyn.

“Will you be going to the dance at Almacks? The end of the season grows near” Paige said.

“I do not know, it depends on whether Lady Ealing will attend” Jyn said, with a slight shrug.

“Well, we are going, and for some reason, Mama thinks that we will suddenly be snapped up, like an auction, and the last pieces are negotiated at lower prices, least they not sell at all” Rose bemoaned.

“I should think there are enough poor, but titled gentlemen who must be in need of a rich wife’ Catherine observed, as direct as ever.

“I would have thought so too”

“Please, Rose! You cannot deny you have been called upon and courted as much as any season’s great success… just because you do not have a mind to encourage their affection, does not mean you are without options” her sister laughed. Rose nodded slowly, her gaze turning wistful.

“I suppose there are options, though none appeal, at present. I had this ludicrous notion that we would come here, and maybe, perhaps, somehow… marry for love” she said, and squeezed her eyes shut at the sympathetic glances the other women exchanged.

“To marry for love is rare, and often inconvenient” Catherine said.

“Is that why you haven’t married? I know there are many men who would be happy to make you an offer, your dowry alone, and family connections” Rey said, eager to satisfy her curiosity once and for all.

“I admit, despite my awkward behaviour, there have been gentlemen who have approached Armitage about marriage, to the point where he doesn’t trouble me with the details. His answer is always the same.”

“Which is?” Rose asked, her eyes raptly fixed to Catherine.

“If she felt the same way, I would know it already, and as I don’t, the answer is no”

“It doesn’t upset you? That he presumes to answer for you”

“No, it is alright. He knows my heart, and I know his” Catherine said, and her eyes flickered to Rose’s for a moment.

“I would never have taken your brother for a romantic” Paige said with a laugh.

“He might surprise you” Catherine said, before accepting a fresh cup of tea.

“He himself, I’m afraid, has little choice. He has been out a long time, and yet, has never properly expressed an interest in an individual. My father wished him to marry aristocracy, nobility even, and elevate the family, money is not a great issue”

“That is a great privilege” Rey said quietly, and Catherine looked at her sympathetically.

“Armitage has done nothing to challenge your dower, and I don’t believe he will. He knows how important you are, to me and to-“ Catherine bit off her words, and both the Tico girls followed them like bloodhounds do a scent.

“To who!?” Rose asked.

“Catherine exaggerates” Rey said.

“I care not! Tell us who… if I guess, will you confirm it?” Rose pressed, making a game of it.

Catherine nodded imperceptibly.

“It’s Lord Solo, isn’t it” Rose said confidently, leaning away and smirking.

“Speaking of Lord Solo, I do hope his attendance at the house party will not ruin it for you” Catherine said, with worry. Rey fought a sigh.

Hux had decided to throw a party at his estate, outside the city, to relieve the tedium of the city. The Ticos were invited, as well as others, and Ben was amongst the guests. Why she was invited, she did not know, but could only guess it might be the work of Catherine.

She had thought of every excuse not to attend, but in the end, Maz thought it best to go, and remain amiable with Hux’s family.

“He is bringing a guest to the party, someone he served with abroad” Catherine continued.

“That should keep him plenty occupied” Rey said, with a small smile. Jyn Erso looked at her curiously.

“Forgive me, as this is my first meeting in your wonderful company, but I must ask, why would it be a relief? Lord Solo is one of the most sought after unmarried men of the season, of every season.” She said.

“And I hope he marries well, and soon, and wish him all the best” Rey said primly, though the words left a bitter taste in her mouth, for all their falseness.

“You do not truly mean that, do you Rey?” Rose asked, and she became aware that every single gaze was fixed on her.

“There is nothing but sad history between Lord Solo and I.”

“He holds you in high regard, Armitage says he won’t hear a bad word about you in public, even from close acquaintances” Rey thought of Ben’s insistence that only he had the right to insult her, and smiled sadly.

“I doubt he intends it to be construed as a compliment”

“However, it is a compliment nonetheless. He checks with my brother over your health, when you refuse to see him, when he calls” Catherine said, revealing a deeper knowledge of her situation with Ben than she had predicted.

“You refuse to see him!” Miss Erso’s eyebrows had climbed high on her delicate forehead.

“I have not been home when he has called. As I said, there was an old familiarity between us, but that is now passed. He is a very changed man, from the one I knew. Now, I cannot claim anything but polite acquaintance with him. I am sure your brother has witnessed the changes as much as I”

“It is true, and I also. There is a sadness, and resounding…” Catherine searched for the word, and Rey knew the only one which might fill its space.

“Darkness” she said quietly.

“Quite. There is darkness about him, that I never knew before, even after his parents died. Regardless, he will make some woman a very advantageous match, a great estate, name and fortune.” Catherine said, eyeing Rey speculatively.

“If there was any doubt in my mind over your character, as it pertains to Dopheld, and your marriage, your resistance to the charms and obvious compliments of Lord Solo would convince me that you are as genuine as you seem” Catherine said. It was a long speech from someone who was normally very reserved, but it seemed their little group had managed to rub off certain qualities to each other. She supposed they could thank Rose for the candidness.

“That means a lot to me” Rey said with a smile.

“I know my brother thinks similarly. Though, now that is established, no one would blame you if you were flattered by his attentions, Rey. He would be an advantageous match for you too” Rey tried to stop the laugh that sprang up, when she contrasted her friend’s expectations with the reality of what Ben said to her. Threats, insults and intimidation.

“Advantageous to myself, but practically ruinous for him, therefore on that account, I believe I am safe. I beg of you, no more scrutiny. I would hear what Miss Erso has to say, of love” Rey said. Jyn coloured at the attention turned to her.

“I confess, I do not have a lot of prospects at present, but do so enjoy teaching, and learning. I have become a sort of governess to my mistress’s youngest child, and it fills my days in a most pleasing way” she said. Rey thought of her own mother then, with a pang.

“I cannot think of anything better than days dedicated to the expansion of one’s mind, and the moulding of young ones” Catherine said.

“Please, let us not talk of literature or science once more, there is a ball tomorrow night, and for once, we will be a full party! I cannot contain myself. Let us discuss ribbons and gowns for once, and Rey’s first society dance.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments! I am so happy you feel like Ben is canonically conflicted.. wants to be the hard man but when it comes to Rey, he becomes mush at her smile... 
> 
> That being said, his mental state is not great, he is traumatised and angry, and afraid... which could lead to a little... one step forward, two steps back. 
> 
> Remember this was warned as having a dark flavour to the romance, and we won't approve of Ben's methods, but hopefully, you can see that he has the light in him, even just a little... when shit goes down!
> 
> Just FYI on remarrying as a widow - The match with Rey would not be advantageous for Ben because - she has a bad reputation, due to being raised from a servant by her marriage, and as a widow, if she remarries, she will retain next to nothing from her previous estate - she would take her new title from her new husband and lose any property or allowance that she had previously. Basically, she wouldn't bring anything to the marriage except her previous scandal/baggage, if anyone was wondering what her prospects were. The way to keep most of her money and maximum independence would be to stay a widow. 
> 
> On half term break here... you know what that means... more writing time than usual! Let me know what you think to fuel me onwards... got a couple of (very dramatic) chapters all lined up for checking/formatting xxx


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, the previous one was really more of a 2 parter, so uploading second part... enjoy!

 

Almacks was a glow with light and laughter, as the night marking the end of the season finally came. Rey was wearing a pale dress, with lace and brocade, finer than any she’d worn so far. Her mourning was soon to be complete, and under Maz’s guidance, she strived to be as appropriate as possible.

Inside, the assembly rooms were grand, with high ceilings and lavish decoration. She followed in Maz’s wake as she visited her friends, always calling on Rey to be included in their regard. Lady Fletcher, she cut directly.

Rey spied her friends after an hour or so, in the crowded company, and begged Maz that she might be able to go and see them. Maz agreed, having done her part, she wanted to go to the card room, and trounce everyone with her superior skills.

Rey hurried to her friend’s sides, happy to see how wonderful they looked. Miss Erso was not in attendance, but the Tico sisters and Catherine looked very well.

They drank a little punch, and ate some food, and then, as the music began, accompanied each other to the ballrooms. Inside, Rey watched the dancers turn on the floor, thinking how strange her life had turned out to be. From Niima orphanage, not too far from this very ballroom, to the peaceful prosperity of Alderaan, to the wilds of Dunbeath and back. She saw the dull red shine of Lord Hux’s hair, taller than many in attendance, as he made his way to them. He greeted his sister, and then the rest of them in turn.

“It will not do to have such lovely company standing by the side, and not enjoying the dancing.” He said, turning to look at the busy dancefloor, before turning his eyes back to their group, and Rose in particular.

“Is this the first society dance you have been to this year, brother, you will never catch a wife if you do not attempt some semblance of interest” Catherine teased him, watching him grow flustered with a fond expression.

“I do not know if you are familiar with this dance, Miss Tico, I mean to say, if it is popular in America yet, I don’t mean to imply we might set the fashion in England, only-“ his face grew increasingly red as he blundered around the subject, and he practically jumped in surprise as Rose stepped toward him, a small smile on her face.

“I know this dance well, and would be eager for the chance to perform it, if you would escort me, without thinking me too bold for inviting myself…” she said. After a pause, Hux took her proffered hand, tiny in its white glove, against his larger one.

“I would bring me great pleasure, Miss Tico” he murmured, as they departed for the dance floor. Rey watched them go, happy for the light in her friend’s eyes. To think that her cousin, the one they had all feared, could have his heart melted by love, and almost transform before her very eyes, was some feat indeed.

 

At thoughts of hard hearts and cruel behaviour, she saw a dark figure making its way through the crowd toward them, and did not need to see him clearly to know his identity from height and stature alone. She turned quickly to Catherine, to see she was being invited to dance, at that very moment, and Paige had been called to her mother’s side, who was introducing her to a lady and her daughter.

She meant to simply slip away into the crowd, when, her indecision cost her, taking too long and her escape route was met with a broad chest, and the weight of a penetrating stare.

“Lady Kanata, may I have the pleasure of this dance?” Ben asked.

“I am not inclined to dance” she said, wishing to fold her arms across her chest, but knowing it would look disagreeable to those who must be watching.

“And yet, you will humour me. For it has been a fortnight that you have denied my wishes to see you, and I have been indulgent. It ends this evening.” He said, and his voice was amiable enough, and when she looked up to his face, she found him smiling and pleasant. She knew it would be her who would appear shrewish to observers, and it irritated her all the more that he was so much more accomplished at society games than she.

“Or do you wish to cause a scene?” he continued. She forced a smile to her lips, and took his proffered hand.

“Of course not, I wish to slap you in your rotten face, and never see you again, but I suppose we cannot always get what we would wish” she said, smiling sweetly all the while. He laughed a little at that, as he led her out onto the dancefloor, joining the rest of the dancers in a waltz. He pulled her into him, as she forced him back with her arms, to maintain an appropriate distance.

“Are you impressed with yourself, for refusing to see me?” he asked, after a moment or two of dancing.

“Yes, rather.” She said.

“We really are more similar than you’d like to believe Rey, we both take pleasure in cruelty” he said.  

“How cruel for the person you are harassing to wish for a moments peace” she disagreed.

“And a fortnight is a mere moment? You test my patience. I could have come and removed you from there, at any time, brought you back to my home, tied you to my bed, laid my claim, and told Maz to come and fetch you if she wished… or worse, I could have spirited your away to Gretna in the night, and made you a bride to your devil by morning. What would she think then?” He turned Rey expertly beneath his arm, and pulled her back in, closer than before.

“You joke about marriage, as it is some threat to wield over someone, when I know it is a beautiful thing, if the right man proposes” she said

“And Lord Kanata was the right man for you?”  

“Yes, he was more noble and selfless than you’ll ever be”

“I don’t dispute it, the only thing we will ever have in common is you. Being seated between your thighs is where our similarities will begin and end.” He said. Rey turned her blushing face to watch others dancing, thankful for the loud music that no one could hear them.  

“You’re trying to shock me with your vulgarity, it is hardly enterprising or new”

“I am merely trying to prepare you, let’s move on to more mannered subjects. How lovely you look this evening, truly stunning”

“Am I supposed to be flattered? I advise you to take your manipulative compliments to one of your many admirers… they will find little effect here” she lied, annoyed that her stomach lurched at the quiet burning in his gaze, and the way her body felt as though it were waking up after weeks of sleep.

“Ah, so, I no longer affect you? You are immune to me… if I were to touch the skin of you belly, or kiss beneath your ear, cup your breast…” he said, dipping his head a little toward her, forcing her to put a hand to his chest to stay him, her eyes flashing a warning, and she could only hope that no one was paying them any attention.

“Stop” she commanded, but fear had stolen the strength of her voice. He leaned away, but pulled her in closer than before, his large hand spanning her back for a moment, as she struggled to free herself, without drawing attention.

“Admit you are not unmoved by me, and I will” he said. She saw an elderly matron, friend to Maz, raising her pince-nez toward them, fumbling it on her gloves.

“Very well, I admit it” she said in a rush.

“Admit what?”

“Something in my body yearns for yours… but it is not my head, nor my heart” she forced out, and finally felt Ben’s hands around her relax a little, enabling her to push away, and restore propriety.

“Good girl, that wasn’t so very difficult, was it?” he murmured, and sending indignation through her.

“I wish to speak with you privately” he continued.

“No, it wouldn’t be appropriate” she countered immediately. He sighed, long and pained.

“You are becoming utterly predictable, my love. I shall visit your chamber again, in the night in that case”

“You shall find the house locked up tight”

“You underestimate me greatly if you think that the simple lock on the kitchen door will keep me from you” he said, as the music ended, and people started to leave the floor. Ben’s hands remained on her however, and she realised with horror that he meant to detain her there until the next dance was called.

“Desist. People are watching us, you have shown me too much partiality already”

“I only mean to show you more. If you would prefer to keep our meeting close to the public arena, I suggest you agree to speak with me here and now, somewhere somewhat private”

She stared at him considering.

“That is the greatest consideration you will get from me. I could put you over my shoulder and carry you from this room. The only thing stopping me is the indecision on your face, and how it burns all the more to be complicit in your own ruin.” He said.

“If I agree will I get to return to my friends afterwards and hear no more of your vitriolic nonsense?”

“Without fail”

‘Fine, where shall we speak?”

“There is a rather secluded terrace, to the back of the library. I will meet you there”

The music for the next dance started and Rey plastered a mildly pleasant smile on her face, though her eyes flashed at him, as he pulled her hand to his lips, and pressed a kiss there, before she tore it from his grasp, and stalked away.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Ben watched the door of the terrace, the night air cooling his body considerably, after the dance with Rey had stirred it up. A longer two weeks he could barely remember. It had been worse than ever. The nightmares, the waking paralysis and terrors. Now that he had felt a strange sort of peace, in Rey’s company, being without her made being alone harder to bear.

Snoke had called on him frequently, the man’s ramblings of battle and fond recollections of things that made Ben’s skin crawl had him half mad, and half ill. He had to have Rey, nothing else would suffice, and he knew that she still felt for him. Whether it proved to be folly or not, her heart, still warm and compassionate, not as merciless and calculating as he had assumed, could still be moulded, her fair conscience would be her undoing

In his better moments, he longed to have her at his side, as his equal, to live the life he had longed for so many years ago.

In his worse moments, the dark times, where guilt and regret pressed in, resentment made him long for her surrender, for her punishment for abandoning him. For not loving him, as he had her. He longed to dominate her, and control her, to see her reluctant tears as he showed her what her body could feel, the heights it may reach, when he was allowed full control, to see her begging him prettily afterwards, to give her what only he could.

He would teach her of pleasure and pain, and the thin line both walked. He would teach her of control and submission, and earn the trust he hungered for from her. He would make her his in every way he could, and then, he could relax and find peace. For if he had Rey by his side, he was sure he could continue on.

“Well, what did you wish to speak off?” she asked curtly, appearing behind him, lingering by the French doors. He turned to take her in, in all her loveliness. How she suited the paler colours, how it framed the light that seemed to surround her. He took his time to find the phrasing he desired, and steeled himself before he spoke.

“I have fought against it, I have tried distraction, and replacement, and nothing has worked. I admit defeat. I know I have made my intentions clear, but I fear you are under the impression I have been teasing or exaggerating. However, it is time to speak plainly, I must have what has been so long denied me.” He said slowly, meeting her eyes brazenly.

“I do not take your meaning” Rey huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I think that you do, now all that remains, is the question of price”

“What are you talking off?”

“If you think that forcing me to voice my sordid desires will shame me, you are very wrong, my lovely. I’ll enjoy seeing you blush” he warned, and sat forward as Rey continued to stare at him in confusion.

“Still so unsophisticated, even after years of high society. I suppose a leopard can’t change its spots”

“Speak plainly or leave” she said, annoyed now, and he enjoyed that he had gotten a rise out of her.

“How much will it cost me – to have you?”

“Money is no object. You may demand anything your heart desires” he said. Rey flushed pink, such an innocent colour, he thought with surprise as she stood gaping him.

“An apartment in Knightsbridge, holidays abroad, all the dresses my money can buy. Perfume and baubles and all the Spanish rolls you can eat. How much do you require to give yourself to me, with good grace.” Rey was staring at him with hurt, and something shifted in his chest at the look, but he remained fixed on his objective.

“How dare you say that to me? Proposition me so? I am not the same scared little girl you found it easy to trap and seduce anymore”

“Mores the pity. I am offering you a valuable exchange, instead of merely taking what I desire. It is a common arrangement, or did you think all wealthy titled widows are celibate?” Ben asked.

“Would you make an advance like that to them?” she demanded. Her anger was heavenly, her golden eyes flashing at him, her sweet mouth tightened in frustration. He smirked at her, an expression perfectly designed to bring forth further anger.

“Poor little Rey, still an outsider looking in… do they cut you? Dismiss you? Make you feel small?” he said, his voice dropping to a whisper. She watched his lips avidly.

“The haute ton are terribly good at making people feel unwanted… I could change that for you, you know. My name and reputation would be a mask to hold before you. Every society matron, every household of good repute would not hesitate to invite you, to court you, to cosset you, for fear of me.”

“I don’t care what they think” she said after a long agonising moment where he thought perhaps, she might capitulate easily.

“And there is no amount in the world that could induce me to –“

“Induce you to what… say it” he urged, his face dark and harbouring an almost hurt expression.

“Induce me to sell myself to you… or any man” she finished. He considered her words.

“But you already sold yourself to a man, sweetheart, do not forget.” He said finally, and Rey sighed.

Part of her wished in that moment she could tell Ben the truth, tell him the strange arrangement between herself and Dopheld. That she had never loved him in the same way she did Ben, that he was the only man that had held that place in her heart. And yet, to do so now was too dangerous. He had proved himself to be untrustworthy, and that information was all Lord Hux would need, to strip her of her dower.

“And so, my money is not good enough, once more, to purchase your favours”

“No, it is your character that is lacking… to win them”

“You wound me, your grace. You think much of your own character, though, I am not convinced we are so very different, when it comes down to it. Mercenary, strong… cruel. You will accept my offer Rey, it may seem voluntary, but you should know it is not. I know you still care about me, you have tipped your hand. You desire me, as I do you. You can only fight it for so long, and I will be there, when your will to resist diminishes.”

“You underestimate my will and overestimate my affection” a light spray of cold rain, starting to fall freely beyond the terrace blew over her, and she shivered.

“We will see, shall we? Your position in society is precarious at best, and at some point, you will need my help. I will be all too happy to oblige, at a price. Now I release you, return to the warmth of inside” he said, casting a glance to the sky, and then a nod to the terrace doors.

“Sweetheart – I shall call on you tomorrow, and you will receive me. I have played along with your slighting long enough. Do not test my patience again.” He warned her, his words echoing in her ears as she moved back to the party, damp and shivering in her thin dress.

 

* * *

 

 

“Is that the Kanata carriage?” A voice called, as Finn covered the horses’ heads as best he could. The rain was starting to come down, and he had just been about to duck inside to wait it out. He turned to see a dark-haired man with a lively smile approaching.

“Who’s asking?” he challenged, and the man stopped, his smile widening, as he raised his hands in a gesture of surrender.

“I am groom to Lord Solo. And if you are groom to Lady Kanata, I think we might have a friend in common” he said, squinting at him in the rain.

“I’m Poe Dameron, and you don’t have to satisfy my curiosity about the carriage, I’ll find out myself soon enough, probably.”

“What does that mean?” Finn asked, a little bewildered by the exchange.

“You’ll see my friend. May I gain your name, before I get inside, and ward of this damn downpour?” Finn thought it over a long moment, before sticking his hand out to the other man.

“I’m Finn”

“Finn…”

“Niima” he finished, with as little of a flinch as he could manage. He hated to tell people his last name, they would always know so much about him after hearing it. But Dameron’s handshake was not weakened by the admission of his upbringing, if anything, he squeezed his grip even tighter.

“Tell Rey, I was asking for her, and I’ll see her soon, I hope!” Poe Dameron said, dropping the handshake at last, and leaving Finn’s palm tingling, and shock over hearing Rey’s first name said so casually.

He pulled his gaze away from the groom’s departing back, and looked around for Bobby. He was still perched on the metal railings, near one of the windows, looking into the assembly rooms.

“Bobby, get down here, it’s raining, and you’ll catch your death” Finn called, opening the carriage door and getting in. Bobby scampered after him, and Finn could feel cold emanating off him as he sat next to him in the carriage.

“You are frozen solid” Finn admonished, as Bobby shivered beside him. He let out several large sneezes, before laying back against an embroidered cushion.

“I don’t feel all that well, Finn” he muttered, running a soaking wet hand under his nose, which had developed a drip.

“What were you thinking? What if you take ill now?”

“It was worth it, to see the mistress dancing” Bobby argued, as Finn covered him over with a blanket.

“Dancing, was she? Who with?”

“A tall gentleman, with black hair and a wicked smile”

“Sounds like a devil” Finn said, dismissively.

“And Lady Rey… how did she look?” Bobby coughed, his little body still trembling from cold, as Finn took his hands between his and rubbed some warmth into them.

“Happy, and sad, angry and little scary… most of all, entranced.”

“Entranced. That’s a big word… what’ll that mean, then?” Finn asked, testing the word on his tongue.

“Like there was no one else in the room, in the world, only the two of them.”


	21. Chapter 21

That night, Rey was roused by the sound of coughing, and gently shushed whispers of Arte and Simon moving around quietly. She slipped on her wrapper and went to the hallway to see. Along at the end, in Bobby’s room, she saw the soft glow of the candle. As she approached she heard his coughing.

“What has happened?”

“Fool boy’s been taken ill, just a cold no doubt” Arte said, as she rubbed his chest with camphor, the strong smell permeating the hall.

“What should we do?” She asked Simon.

“Nothing to do, your grace. He must rest, and Arte will make him soup and tea, he will be better in no time. The Dowager Duchess will depart tomorrow morning on a personal errand, and she will not return until after you have departed for Arkanis, and the house party. I suggest you get your rest, so you can attend her tomorrow morning early before she leaves. We will take care of young Robert.” Simon said.

Rey agreed reluctantly, returning to her room. The thought of the impending party, a whole week she would stay, and other guests would stay longer, making sleep difficult to catch hold on again. She couldn’t help thinking that being secluded in the country for a whole week in Ben’s company, was going to be very dangerous indeed.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning, Maz departed after breakfasting with Rey, returning once more to her secret friend’s house, and leaving Rey behind. She promised this would be the last time, and looked in on Bobby before she left, leaving him a sweet kiss and a murmured command to feel better.

But, by lunchtime, he wasn’t feeling better, in fact, he seemed much worse. Rey paced the hallway outside his door, and listened to his cough through it. She wrung her hands in the skirts of the grey sprigged muslin she was wearing, and, ran her hands through her hair repeatedly, long since having pulled the pins from it in frustration.

“Here we go, this poultice, applied to the chest, will work wonders” Arte said, huffing as she climbed the stairs. Simon followed close behind, carrying a tray with yet more hot water on it. Downstairs, she heard the doorbell ring, and glanced to Simon.

“Get rid of them, whoever it is” she instructed, as they went together into Bobby’s room. It was dimly light and the air seemed thick. She chewed her lip as she considered it.

“Should it be warm inside for a fever or cool?” she asked worriedly. Downstairs, there was a racket, as Simon protested loudly. Rey was busy dipping her hands in the warm water, and pulling the damp poultice from it, when she heard Simon shouting a certain name, and groaned in frustration. She had quite forgotten Ben’s threat to call the previous evening, and now, it seemed, he had chosen the worst time to do it, as he was apt to.  

“Her grace will attend you below!”

“I think not, I will simply find her myself, if you are unable”

“I am quite able, I simply-“

“Simon. Waste your breath no longer, Lord Solo will do as pleases him” she called, and turned back to the job at hand. Arte glanced to the doorway, and the imposing figure approaching, dressed in unrelenting black.

“So, this is the infamous Solo” she whispered to her, while Ben was still out of ear shot, Rey nodded.

“Seems a charming fellow” Arte grinned, before turning back to Bobby, prostrate on the bed, and just becoming aware of the very many people in his room.

“Mistress, please, don’t worry over me, I am well, I just feel a little rough today” Bobby wheezed, as Rey sank down beside him, and smoothed the hair stuck with sweat off his forehead.

“It is no trouble, you are no trouble. If you are feeling ill, we would like to be near you, so we may cheer your spirits” Rey said softly.

“It’s beneath your dignity” Bobby said softly, and Simon chuffed from the doorway.

“At least one of you realises it” he muttered, and closed his mouth with a snap as Rey shot a dark look at him, before turning back to the suffering child.

“You are my family, and your suffering is all of ours. Now, Arte made this poultice, and I want you to keep it on your chest, it will help with the coughing.” She said, reaching out for the vile smelling bag, and laying it over Bobby’s chest with Finn’s help.

She held onto Bobby’s hand, until he relaxed into a light doze, as Arte went downstairs, taking with her sweat soaked bedding, a dirty bed pan and empty cups from the long night they had spent by the invalid’s bedside.

“You might open the curtains” Ben’s voice made Rey jump. He had been so quiet, she had almost forgotten his hateful presence. She looked to him, and he stepped into the room.

“If I may?” he asked, before going to the window and drawing back the heavy drapes, and then, cracking the window the slightest amount.

“I didn’t know, if you should keep them warm or cool, light or dark”

“Light and cool, help the body to cool down, but be careful not to create a draft. The fever is most dangerous, if it sits in his head” Ben said, surprising her. She carefully detangled her hand from Bobby’s, and stood. Simon cleared his throat from the doorway.

“Lord Solo, I can escort you downstairs, and allow her grace to… gather herself” the old butler said, eyeing Rey’s dishevelled gown and unbound hair.

“Not necessary” Ben said immediately. Simon started to give fight, when Rey motioned him to quieten.

“He is right, it is not necessary. Please, go and take your rest, this night was long for you, and I wouldn’t have you too falling ill. I will see to myself and Lord Solo” she said tiredly, and waiting as Simon begrudgingly left them alone, amid much wringing of hands and muttering. Ben watched him go, and turned his attention back to the little boy in bed, now sleeping soundly, despite the strong smell from the poultice.

“It is an interesting household you keep, your grace” he remarked, as they left the room, and Rey pulled the door quietly shut.

“Please, save your judgement for another day, I cannot quite manage it now” She said, as she turned toward the stair. As she descended, she felt Ben’s hand wrap around her arm, supporting her journey, and was almost grateful. Her lack of sleep and anxiety over Bobby had taken its toll on her strength. She stopped in the foyer at the bottom and looked up at Ben.

“How do you know of illness and treatment?”

“Many a good soldier succumbed to fever at sea” he said, and Rey nodded, her fingers twisting a lock her hair, her eyes unfocused and distracted.

“I’m afraid I won’t be able to give you much sport today. You should leave” she said.

“Let us take some tea, you look like you haven’t eaten, in fact, you are looking thinner and thinner by the day. I can have your cook make something” he said, and Rey shook her head, frowning instinctively.

“No, you cannot. You cannot come into this house and order my staff around. I am too busy to wait on you, please leave” she repeated, stubbornly fixing her eyes at his chest level.

“Rey” he murmured, trying to urge her eyes to his face. She still refused, and simply waited there. He reached up, and touched her unbound hair, almost long enough to brush her waist, the brown strands mixing with caramel in a shaft of light falling from the window nearby. He twisted it several times around a finger, and then, let go. It would seem to be somewhat of a pattern between them, he thought. That he would want her, and try to gain her in any way he might manage, and along the way, something is her very nature, her compassion, would steal away his harsher intentions, and disarm him completely.

He let out a long breath, and stepped back from her.

“Very well, your grace. I hope you find time to eat, and rest, your advice should not only be for the help, but yourself also. I take my leave” he said stiffly, and Rey was surprised to see he really did leave, the heavy door of the townhouse closing quietly behind him.

There was a strange sort of disappointment, as she wandered upstairs to her room, and sat on the edge of her bed. That he would leave without a fight, perhaps, when their verbal sparring had become a sort of game, or perhaps it was because he had left at all. The thought was too uncomfortable to dwell on. Instead, she lay on her side, bringing her knees up under her, meaning only to rest her eyes for a moment.

 

* * *

 

 

She awoke to the sound of footsteps in the hall, and the murmur of voices. She sat up, and looked at the clock, surprised to see several hours had passed. She felt alarm shoot through her, as she thought of Bobby unattended, and hurried to leave the room, weaving along the hall, to the open door there. Inside, she found Simon standing guard at the door, and an elderly gentleman, tapping his fingers on Bobby’s chest, his moustache quivering as he nodded.

“Ah, good evening, Lady Kanata”

“Good evening” Rey replied, looking to Simon for an explanation.

“I am Dr Burke. I am engaged to check on this young man. I am happy to say, it is not serious, and with continued rest, he will soon be back on his feet” the Dr said, and Rey sagged with relief.

“That is wonderful news” she said.

“What should we do to attend him?”

“I will have a word with your housekeeper, and explain what might help ease him, but otherwise, his fever has broken, and he is one the mend”

“Thank you so much, Dr, you are so kind.” She said, as the man passed her in the hall, and started down the stairs.

“Where did you find him?” she asked Simon, already wondering how she might pay him.

“He found us, he simply showed up with Lord Solo, and I brought him up to see Bobby. I hope I did not do wrong?” Simon asked, unsure for once. Rey shook her head.

“No, it was the right thing. We can rest easier knowing that the Dr has seen him, and he is getting better. Did Lord Solo leave?”

“I’m afraid not, he said he planned to wait for you in the drawing room, and I was not sure how to refuse him, seeing as…”

“It is fine, do not worry. I shall see him out myself” Rey muttered, as she made her way to the drawing room.

Ben was indeed waiting for her, seated comfortably before the fire, a book on his lap, and Arte was pouring him tea. As she entered, he looked up at her and smiled, closing the heavy tome on his knee.

“You look much restored” he said approvingly.

“Thank you Arte, I will see Lord Solo is dealt with” she said to Arte, who was lingering by the tea things. Arte bobbed a curtesy, pausing only as Ben spoke to her.

“Thank you once again, Artemisia, and do let’s try those recipes we discussed” Rey stared as Arte practically blushed, before leaving. She turned and glared at Ben.

“What recipes?“ she asked, walking over to Ben, and taking the book from his hands, and placing it on the table.

“Just a couple of things Mrs Holdo recommended, that can be used to tempt fashionable young ladies into eating.”   
“I eat enough, and you do not know me well if you suspect me of turning down unspoiled food.”

“You grow too slender Rey, you are a reed in the wind”

“If my figure displeases you so, find someone else to spend time with” she snapped, and the words came out all wrong. They sounded hurt, and jilted, as though she was upset he might find fault in her figure, instead of righteous and commanding, tired of being dictated to.

“It is not your appearance but your health that concerns me” he said mildly, as he watched her pace around.

“Would it not be to your liking to threaten someone ill? Would that be reprehensible?” she sneered.

“I would prefer you fit and well, I make no secret of it”

“Fit and well for your debasement?” she snapped out, stopping before him, and staring down at him, in all his handsome nonchalance, as he narrowed his eyes at her.

“If I am thin and unwell it is because of you. If you wish me better then leave me alone.”

“You seem agitated today, my sweet” he said after a moment, and she ground her teeth in frustration.

“Tell me the amount you have paid the doctor, and I will reimburse you” she demanded, frustrated by the very thought of owing Ben money.

“I think not, it is unseemly to discuss money with a lady” he reminded her, settling back rather arrogantly in the chair by the heath, looking all too at home to Rey. He sipped the warm tea cup left on the table there, his dark eyes burning into hers the whole time. He raised his cup to her.

“Tea?”

“You presume too much, Lord Solo.” She said quietly, rage starting to simmer in her belly at the insolent slouch of his shoulders.

“There are many ladies who would gladly invite me to take tea, a great many in fact, who would find my presence an accomplishment.” He replied smoothly.

 Rey could help the snort of laughter that escaped her at his boast, smoothing her skirts, as she composed herself. When she turned back to him, she had once again replenished her store of righteous indignation, and stood slightly over him, letting her gaze rest of the dark eyes that were threatening her, in some way she couldn’t understand.

“You will forgive me, perhaps it is because I am not a lady, that I cannot seem to muster the same enthusiasm as they would toward your overbearing and frankly controlling behaviour” 

His eyes full of dark warning.

“You indeed are a lady now, Lady Kanata, and should strive to act accordingly.” 

She stared up at him, completely unbeaten by reprimand.

“So, I should simper after you, gaze stupidly into your eyes and thank you for your attempts to ingratiate yourself into my life. Is that what you would prefer? Is that what would please you, to be my lord and master once more?” she bit out, freezing as his dark eyes turned to molten fire. He leaned slowly forward, and before she could move away, snatched her wrist rather forcefully, and forced her hand to his mouth. She felt a jolt run up her arm as his mouth, disturbingly hot and soft, contrasting with his rough whiskers in a way that made her belly flutter, moved slowly across her skin, his tongue slipping out to taste her.

“If you had any idea the things that would please me, when it comes to you Rey, you wouldn’t be standing so bravely before me, tempting me, goading me. You would be running as fast as you could” he said against the burning skin of the inside of her wrist, a place she had given little thought to before, and now, seemed the most sensitive place in her whole body.

“You think highly of yourself and your powers if you think I would run from you. Your arrogance will be your undoing” she murmured to his bent, dark curls.

“And your naivety will be yours, my sweet” he said, suddenly standing before her and placing her hand on his chest, cradled by his.

“For you see, I shall have you, Rey, I shall have you in every which way I desire, in whatever wicked and debasing fashion I long for, and you shall beg me for more. I shall take care of your every need, and you shall learn to suffer me, once more, in time” He slowly took his hand form hers, leaving hers pressing against his chest.

“Don’t call me that” she muttered, feeling rather like a rabbit caught in a snare held only by the spell his magnetism seemed to cast over her body.

“My sweet?”

“Rey. Don’t call me Rey. It is too familiar, if someone should hear-”

“I see you are indeed learning the ways of society and civilisation, albeit slowly. You need not worry, for when you are mine, I will not care if you act like a lady or not, in fact, I rather hope for the latter. I find you perfect, as you are. Feral and unrestrained” he said, touching his hands to her waist, his giant hand span almost fully encircling the slender curve there, pulling her body against his, his face falling toward her head, and his nose, inhaling long and slowly, pulling her scent into him, feeling it slake some need that being around her and not close enough always seemed to awaken.

 Rey bore it as long as she could. In the end, when she found the strength to push him away, the chill of the air the absence of his body left around her felt strangely bitter.

“I care not for your condescension, and am unmoved by your attempts to shame me, I am no lady, have made no claim to be one and have no desire to become one either, from what I have witnessed thus far of polite society, I want no part of it” Rey ground out, and Ben could only watch with fascination, her unfashionably tanned cheeks glowing pink, her bosom, small and perfect, straining beneath her gown, head held in an indignant tilt toward him. She stole his words away.

“If you will not tell me the amount of money, I shall visit the good doctor myself and explain the situation – I shall not be indebted to you”

“And if your cousin should decide to press suit against you, if you were to find yourself destitute once more, what then? Would my money become acceptable then? To save you from the streets? From the poorhouse? Or you offer to warm his bed to retain your conveniences?”

“The street was my bedroom and the poorhouse my nursery. I know them well, as well as you know Mayfair. I have no fear of going home, so do not think that should you choose to exert your pull with Lord Hux, and press him into challenging me, that it shall have the consequences you hope for” she said. He seemed frustrated by her answer, angry she wasn’t responding as he wished.

“And what of your servants? What of little Bobby, and Arte. Old Simon and your coachman, Finn?” he said, and saw his words, finally, at long last, hit a nerve.

“Will it be the workhouse for them too?” he continued ruthlessly, knowing Simon was too old for such labours, and would quickly grow weak. Bobby would survive, for a while, but he was a pretty boy, and pretty boys tended to disappear quickly in this city. He could see by the look on Rey’s face that she didn’t need to be told that, she knew it well.

“It won’t come to that.” She muttered. 

 “And if it does” he said, pressing his advantage, seeing her eyes dart around, looking for a way to ensure their safety.

“I will support them, I will find a way – a way that doesn’t involve becoming your whore” she said, surprising them both with her vehemence.

He bit down the retort on his tongue, the need to disagree that his desire for her was something so bawdy and ordinary. The need to explain that he didn’t only want her supplicant beneath him in his bed, but by his side in all things, a feeling he was wholly unfamiliar with and slightly disturbed by. It felt a lot like weakness, this partiality he had developed to know her mind, to see her smile.

"And my wife? Would having my title and the respectability of my name behind you, entice you?” he asked slowly, hardly daring to glance at her face. She was quiet, and finally, he had to see. She was staring at him with great sadness.

“Even if I thought you genuine, which I do not, I would not risk my independence, and live a life subject to your whim. I would not betray Dopheld’s memory, only just out of mourning. I do not plan to remarry. I would wish there to be more than vengeance and desire between us” She said quietly, and Ben swallowed the obstruction in his throat.

“You talk of love”

“Yes, love”

“And if I told you that I do love you, that I have this entire time, even when it made a fool of me, even when it hurt me most.” She stared at him a long time, searching his face for sign of something he couldn’t guess.

“Love doesn’t manipulate. Love isn’t selfish. You do not love me, Ben and I don’t know if you ever have” she said at last, and he forced his visage to remain impassive.

“Love aside, being tied to me, might be a good deal easier than anything else you could do to support a household of three… there are only so many hours in the day, sweetheart, and you are only one person.”

“I’m not afraid of hard work. I am more afraid of-“ her words fell away, her eyes jumping from his, and it intrigued him, whatever she felt too awful to say, even after this conversation in which she had hardly held back.

“More afraid of what?” he prompted. She opened her mouth as if to speak, but, in the end, simply turned away.

“I am tired. If you leave now, I promise I shall eat and rest, if you feel actual concern for my well-being.” She said, a kind of defeated compromise to her voice. He supposed it was the best he might hope for.

“Very well, I will remove my monstrous presence, and take my leave” he said shortly, adjusting his gloves in sharp, determined movements. He gave her a short bow, and turned on his heel.

“I will see you in Arkanis” He said, sounding more a threat than a promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Your comments are making me LIVE! I'm glad Ben is straddling the line he needs to... this whole story is inspired by the feel of bodice rippers of yore, in which, with a reread, the hero can be terribly high-handed and alpha male, Ben is hopefully walking that line, without making you hate him too much. 
> 
> As I picture canon Kylo/Ben, he struggles with how to get what he wants, with only the methods he is used to using... power, force etc.
> 
> Upcoming chapters - House party in Arkanis and a T minus 3 chapter warning for bodice ripping... I feel like I owe you guys, to put a time on it, as I've promised it plenty, and not delivered yet. Just getting our two protagonists to a suitably angsty place for said bodice ripping to occur. Is there such a thing as slow burn bodice ripping?? I guess we are finding out lol xx


	22. Chapter 22

 

Arkanis House was a similar province as Alderaan, in terms of wealth and lush, fertile land. They rolled through beautiful landscape, drawing ever closer to the great estate that Hux and Catherine had both grown up in. Rey was riding with the Tico sisters and their parents, as Finn had been engaged in driving Maz to her secret destination.

 

She had some new gowns, but had insisted that for the most part, they be muted and respectful. Hux’s family would see that her feelings for their cousin had been real. It had been love, even if not the type they expected.

 

She was assigned a room, and shown there by a maid, while Rose and Paige headed off in another direction. They made plans to meet in the library as soon as they were settled. Arte accompanied her to the room. The whole building was old looking, and had that same gothic feel their home in London. It was dark inside, with little windows, and not much natural light. She tried to imagine Catherine growing up there, an inquisitive little girl, taller than her brother at the tender age of 10.

She looked out the window at the dark woods in the distance. They were to go riding later, and Rey was nervous. Although she had learned in Dunbeath, it was a skill learned too late to ever truly be proficient at.

She changed from her travelling clothes, and into a riding habit. Side saddle was ridiculous, but the clothes were pretty, she thought, admiring the form and fit of the brown plaid, with its asymmetric hem.

Arte bustled around, happy to be in a new place, and set to work organising Rey’s clothes, as she sent her down to the library and out from under her feet.

The darkness of the lower floor was even more concentrated, she thought, as she wandered, looking for her meeting place. She eventually found it, grateful to be surrounded by the sombre and studious atmosphere a room full of books might create, as though they held their own magic.

The fire place was huge, larger than she had ever seen, taller than her. She could see seats carved inside, and realised how terribly old Arkanis must be.

She held her fingers out to the fire, sure that this must be Catherine’s favourite room, when the soft sound of a book shutting surprised her.

“I always gravitate toward the library myself. It usually separates the wheat from the chaff” a voice called to her, and she turned to see an elderly man getting up from a reading chair in the window. He was quite disfigured, she realised as he approached, and she sought to keep her thoughts from her face, even as she felt a pang of sympathy for an accident that might have caused such damage.

“I do not know if I take your meaning?” she said, with a smile.

“Well, there would no doubt be plenty of young ladies who will have gone for the parlour or the drawing room, and the French fancies and champagne there. You, my dear, have chosen instead the library, which speaks to a purity of character. Forgive me, we have not been introduced, and as there is no one to do it for us, all our hosts are busy primping I am afraid, I shall throw propriety to the wind and do it myself. I am Sir Alexander Snoke, Admiral to his majesty’s fleet” the man said, and Rey bobbed her head at the introduction.

“I am Lady Reyna Kanata” She said quietly, always feeling scrutiny at her title, and wishing to downplay the entire ordeal.

“Duchess of Takodana” A strong voice called out, and she saw Ben and Hux entering the library.

“Your grace, I apologise I was not present to make the introduction” Lord Hux said formally, bowing over her hand. She looked at him curiously. He hadn’t put on airs before her in a long time, not since she had become close with Catherine, and Rose had worked her special magic on his character. Hux’s blue eyes flickered to Sir Snoke, and suddenly Rey understood, the ridged and proper introduction was not for her, but as a show to Snoke. He didn’t like him, Rey realised, understanding it instantly.

“Admiral, I had thought I would collect you from your rooms, once you were settled” Ben said stiffly, and Snoke smiled at her conspirationally.

“Like I am a child waiting for my chaperon, my my, age does humble us all, my dear. Lady Kanata and I would have missed our moment of privacy if I had waited overly long for you, Commander.” Snoke said. There seemed to be some kind of unspoken communication between Hux and Ben, because, at that instant, Hux gestured to Snoke to follow him.

“Sir Snoke, as you have travelled so much more agreeably than the rest of us, allow me to take you to my mother, and make introductions. She is our kind hostess” he said. Rey made to follow, but Ben shifted slightly to prevent her, his dark eyes asking her not to speak, as they watched the other two men leave.

“Will Lady Rey not also require an introduction?” Snoke enquired, stopping as if to wait on her.

“Lady Kanata is our dear cousin, and family, and so, no introduction is needed” Hux said, for once his stuffy uptight manner benefitting Rey, by putting Snoke firmly in his place, as to how much familiarity might be claimed with her.

She watched them leave, and turned to Ben.

“He is your guest, is he not?” she asked, remembering that Catherine had told her Ben would be bringing someone.

“Unfortunately. I already regret bringing him here” Ben said quietly. He ran a hand through his hair, his gloves flexing, and Rey wondered how he could bear to wear them in the stuffy hot indoors.

“Why did you?”

“It is complicated, so much so, I don’t fully know myself. There is a bond between men who serve together, that goes deeper than acquaintance, thicker than blood often.”

“So, you are very close.”

“We were, but not in the way you’d think. I have never liked him, not even once. But that bond remains” Ben mused, as he approached a sideboard, and reached for the whiskey decanter. Rey watched him with a frown, turning away as he met her eyes.

“Don’t tell me I’m to be chastised for indulging. It’s been a hellish day already, and its barely lunchtime.”

“I said not one word. If you wish to drink yourself stupid and break your neck falling off your horse, its your decision” she said, eyeing his glass. He laughed quietly at her words, and turned back to the decanter.

“I am happy to meet my demise with your permission” he said, as she glowered at him.

“Lunch will be called soon” she reminded him, and at the amusement on his face, decided to say no more, even if he should drink the whole bottle.

“I know you will probably go out of your way to defy my wishes, but I would request something of you, during our stay” Ben said from behind her, as Rey perused the books.

“Stay away from Sir Snoke. He is not someone you would enjoy conversing with, or have anything in common with” he finished.

“It seems we have you in common” Rey commented, pulling a book from the shelf, and seating herself in a chair by the fire.

“Hardly. The man that Snoke knew if not the same one you know”

“The many faces of Benjamin Solo… perhaps you should be studied in some way for science”

“Maybe so, regardless, I beg you – do not engage overly much with Sir Snoke, and no matter what, under no circumstances, be alone with him.” She looked at him with a frown.

“You are worrying me Ben, if these warnings are genuine, they should be for all guests, and you shouldn’t have brought him where there were ladies in attendance”

“I know, I shouldn’t have, and I regret it already.” He said, with a heavy sigh, settling in the chair opposite her.

“Here I thought there was only going to be one dangerous and disreputable scoundrel creeping the halls, and now you tell me there are two, and one brought the other” Rey muttered. They sat in silence several moments, and she became aware of his eyes on her face.

“Read to me” he asked, as her eyes flickered to his and back to the page.

“Why? So you may find my skills lacking?” she asked immediately. Ben let out a half groan.

“When will you drop your defensiveness, it wraps around you like a shroud. Not everyone is poking holes in your intelligence Rey, not everyone is looking for fault. You apologise for your title, even as you’re being improperly introduced to an impertinent Baronet”

“Are you not criticising my manners now also?” she asked. He let out a frustrated sigh.

“I wish you would apply your rigorous sense of propriety and respect to yourself also. You should demand that he use the correct address, require him to treat you with the respect your position demands. And as for your reading, or your dancing… its true, you learned these things late, but it doesn’t detract from the accomplishment, in fact it elevates it. To learn as a child is easy. Stop diminishing yourself”

“If I wanted to demand respect from someone, you would be the first. How would I accomplish that?” Rey asked. Ben looked at her a long moment.

“I do respect you Rey, I do admire you. Very much indeed, wherein lies the problem.” He said cryptically, and before she could question him further, a loud exclamation filled the room.

“Wow! Look at all these books, no wonder Catherine is so clever” Rose said, as she came into the library on her sister’s arm.

“Lord Solo! What are you two talking of so secretly all alone” Rose teased, her eyes lighting up at spying Rey and Ben together.

“Nothing so secret, Miss Tico, I was just coaxing Lady Rey into reading for me” Rose tipped over Rey’s book, sitting on the arm of her chair, and reading out the title, to Rey’s mortification.  
“The Romance of the Forest! Well, I am shocked to see Rey indulging in what mother calls gothic nonsense, and more than shocked that you, Lord Solo, care to listen to it”

“I am not opposed to Mrs Radcliffe’s writing, Miss Tico, and I had no objection to the reader, so I would happily stay the day, in such company” Ben said, his gaze warm on her.

“Praise indeed” Rose murmured, elbowing Rey, in her obvious excitement.

“Well, it seems all that fresh air in the carriage has gone to Miss Tico’s head, so I will endeavour to leave you to your peace alone, and find out about luncheon” Rey said, standing up, and practically chasing Rose and her teasing smile from the room.

“And as you enjoy the material so much, here you go, my Lord” she said, as she passed Ben’s chair, placing the novel on the arm, and following her friends, ignoring the warm feeling his soft laughter gave her.

 

* * *

 

 

After lunch, they went to the stables, and Rey was overly relieved to be given a fat and placid pony to ride. She mounted using a block and arranged her legs appropriately. There were two groups, one who was going to head off hunting, and the other, mostly women, who would have a gentle walk, and get the bracing, country air.

The air was splendid, Rey thought as she watched Ben leave at the head of the hunting party, which also included Snoke. She was truly relaxed as the horses followed a trail along the edge of the estate, until she heard a voice she well remembered. The rest of the party, those later to arrive, had now joined them, and she saw Kira Maxwell was among them. She was making a fuss with the groom, because the hunting party had already left, and she had wanted to go with them. Instead, she was left with the wallflowers and matrons, she said sourly, and just loudly enough that the women waiting could hear.

 

They set off again, with a sulking Kira taking up the rear. Rey rose with Paige and Rose, as Catherine was busy inside, helping her mother, and neither of the American girls cared to hunt and kill innocent animals for fun.

Rose was talking about lunch, and the introductions they had made. She laughed aloud suddenly.  
“I couldn’t believe the domestic scene in the library when we found you and Lord Solo, reading aloud for his entertainment… and it turns out to be nothing less than a scandalous sacrilegious romance! And he is there, listening intently to every word you say.” Rose said merrily.

“I highly doubt that” A sharp nasal voice cut in from behind them. Rey tensed, and looking over her shoulder, found that Miss Maxwell had moved up the company to ride near them. She was looking at Rose almost angrily.  
“Believe it or not, it is true” Rose insisted, raising an eyebrow at Rey, as the blond girl tossed her head at her.

“I am sure you haven’t been acquainted with Lord Solo long, coming from America, and all, but if you did know him, you would understand, he has no patience for such silly, girlish things. He is quite an accomplished gentleman, in the fields of science and politics. I met him when he attended Oxford, you see” Kira explained, her haughty tone indicating how lucky she believed the others should be for her past with Lord Solo.

“How exciting for you” Paige said, and Rey bit her lip against the smile that threatened to break free.

“I don’t believe we have been introduced” Kira said after a moment, and cursory introductions were made all around. As soon as Rey’s name was said, a shrewd smile appeared on Miss Maxwell’s bow mouth.

“Ah, yes, Lady Kanata, I have heard you were recently widowed.”

“Almost a year ago now”

“Why, almost as long as your ill-fated marriage” Kira said, with an innocent smile that Rey did not like one bit.

“It is heartening to see you on such good terms with the family, after the… troubles.” Kira said.

“Good terms? She is practically best friends with Lady Catherine, and Lord Hux too”

“I see, that is very fortunate for you, Lady Kanata, and I am happy to hear it. It is also wonderful that Lord Solo is willing to overlook your previous occupation and station, treat you as an equal, and sit at the same table with you” Kira said, revealing that the gossip of Rey’s origins was well known to her. It was not a secret she had been Lady Leia’s lady’s maid, it couldn’t be, too many people knew of it.

“But she’s not his equal, is she, sister?” Paige suddenly said, and Rey felt a chill down her back at her matter of fact tone.

“No sister, she isn’t. He is a Marquess, and Rey is a Duchess. She is his better, if I understand English peerage properly” Rose adopted an inquisitive tone, as though she were searching for the correct answer in an academic sense.

“Well, yes, a duchess is of higher rank than a marquess –“ Kira started, and was cut off shortly.

“Thank you for settling that question, Miss Maxwell. It was weighing on my mind, given the level of elevation Lord Solo shows Lady Kanata, I had thought it must be so, for if it is not demanded by society’s rules, then it is a blatant show of regard, and quite shocking in its openness” the girls continued and Rey begged them to stop with her urgent stare.

“Is that right?” Miss Maxwell managed, as they pulled ahead a little. Rey thought of Ben’s words, how she apologised for her position and her title and failed to demand respect from those who should give it to her. She turned her head and met Miss Maxwell’s stare.

“Quite right” she said simply, before turning, and urging her horse onwards.

 

As they approached the stables, the late summer air having enlivened everyone, and sent good cheer among them, despite Miss Maxwell’s best efforts, Rey was surprised to see that there were no stable hands to take care of the horses. It seemed unlikely in such a prestigious house, with such a well-stocked stable. The ladies stood, holding their reins, as they chatted.

Rey turned her gaze to the woods, where the hunters had disappeared to, and saw in the distance a small figure sprinting from the house, and back toward the woods.

“I think we should go back to the house, I think something is wrong” Rey said aloud, as the women looked to each other in concern.

“Well, we can’t leave the horses untethered. Come on, everyone tie your horse inside a stall, it’s the least we can do.” Paige said, leading her horse up the stable alley, its hoofs ringing loudly on the floor. Rey tied up her pony, who was content to stay munching hay, and started back to the house. She was well behind some others, including Miss Maxwell, who had deemed stabling her horse beneath her, and simply dropped her reins and walked away.

As she come up the terrace, she heard a piercing female cry. Rey took the steps quickly, something in her gut twisting with nerves, as she gained the drawing room, and the scene unfolding there. The stable hands were crouched over a figure on a make shift stretcher, and Miss Maxwell was leaning over the person on it. Hux was grim faced, as he stood by the door.

“The doctor is on his way, now, clear a path, and let’s get him upstairs. I will be moving his accommodation to the blue room, as it is closer to aid, if required” Hux snapped out orders, as Catherine appeared by Rey’s side. She took up her hand, and squeezed it gently. Rey looked up at her.

“Who is it? Who is hurt?” she asked, although, in her heart, she knew.

“It is Ben, there was a gunshot, too close and his horse spooked, and threw him. He either damaged himself in the fall or took some buckshot, we won’t know until the doctor has been” Catherine said, her eyes full of sympathy.  Rey felt numb, the words colourless and without meaning. Ben was hurt, hurt more, hurt again. It seemed the man would never cease being wounded in some way, until it killed him. She swallowed hard and nodded, but found no words to say.

 

* * *

 

 

That evening dinner was a subdued affair. The doctor had come and gone and pronounced Ben as having been grazed by the shot, and he had also twisted his leg in the fall. Despite the injuries being less serious than she had feared, Rey felt sick and was unable to eat, as they sat down to eight courses. Unlike Miss Maxwell, who had sobbed openly, while spooning chocolate pudding down. It was Rey’s own reaction that worried her, the feeling of panic at the thought of him being hurt. Try as she might, pretend as she would, she couldn’t deceive her heart. Ben Solo still resided there, very much so.

Hux was withdrawn, clearly worried for his friend, and others who knew him less were a little ill at ease, but otherwise got on with things. The person who Rey could not stop watching was Sir Snoke, he sat at the end of the table, and seemed to be enjoying the havoc that had been wrecked. Rey felt sure it was him who had caused the accident, Ben’s earlier warnings about him ringing in her ears.

After dinner, when the men joined the ladies in the drawing room, Hux took her aside.

“Cousin, Catherine is going to check in on Ben, and try and cheer his spirits. I wonder if you would accompany her? I know you haven’t been on the best terms-“

“Yes, I will” Rey interrupted, feeling relieved at being afforded the opportunity to lay her anxious mind to rest.

“Thank you for thinking of me” She said earnestly, and Lord Hux looked down at her, perplexed.

“Surely you know, that when thinking of who might cheer Solo considerably, there is no one else to think of but you. You must know of his regard for you, surely… anyone can see it” he said, and Rey blushed.

“I wish our relationship was as uncomplicated as you make it sound” she said quietly. Hux mulled over her words a moment.

“Ben is a damaged man, since his time away. He is broken in ways I cannot even begin to fathom. He fights off every attempt to put him back together, he resists every opportunity to change, for he is afraid he cannot”

“You seem to understand him better than I”

“Only because I am male, and I know the frightening effect of ego and pride on a wounded soul. I will tell Catherine you are ready to go up”

“Thank you” was all Rey could manage, as she waited by the door. Catherine came to her quickly, and together the ascended the long stair case to the upper floor, with a quick stop in the library.

The room they went to was near to her own, Rey realised, as they paused outside, and Catherine knocked. After a pause, Ben’s low rumble sounded through the door, permitting them entry.

They went in, and Rey’s eyes went instantly to the figure lying in bed, covered to the neck in sheets, looking pale and irritated. At the sight of them, the irritation melted away.

“And there I thought it might be dinner” he said dryly, as his eyes met Rey’s.  
“I will attend to it at once! I thought it would have been handled-“ Catherine was muttered, appalled at the staff’s lapse, and disappeared out the door.

Rey came in, her eyes sweeping over Ben’s injuries. There were bloody bandages wrapped around the upper part of his body, that she could make put under the sheet, and his face was bruised.

“Alone at last” he rasped, and she let out an involuntary laugh, which turned into something sounding suspiciously like a sob. She wrapped her arms around her midsection, and swallowed down the rest of her upset.

“You might resort to less dramatic means to achieve it” she said finally, and perched on the edge of a seat near the bed.

“I am to cheer you up” she said miserably, her mouth downturned, and eyes red. Ben let out a loud laugh at that, and then clutched his side, as his body locked up in pain. Bit by bit, he eased, and leaned back, and smiled at her.

“Well done, I didn’t think I’d laugh today. Tell me Rey, why are you upset?” he asked. His eyes missing none of her hesitant reaction.

“I didn’t know how hurt you were, I thought it was grave”

“But why worry for me? All I have done is torment you” he said heavily. She shifted her eyes from his intent gaze.

“I know not, I confess, my heart feels a stranger to me.” she said.

“Here, I thought we could pass the time” she said, at last, pulling a volume from her skirts, and was rewarded with Ben’s throaty chuckle as he glimpsed the title, The Romance in the Forest.

  
“Tell the truth, you just want an excuse to read that titillating gothic romance… to indulge in it, when you can’t be blamed for finding it exciting…” he said, teasing her. She was struck how normal things were between them for once.

“Maybe… do you mind?” she asked. He shook his head a little, and leaned back, making himself comfortable once more.

“No, I’ll take the blame, I don’t mind”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

The next few days, the house party returned to its more usual state, with games and excursions, plenty more riding and socialising. Rey spared a thought often for the man lying upstairs, already chaffing against his doctor’s orders to rest. He was much recovered, Lord Hux reported, and though she had not been to visit him again, she could feel him there, in the room near hers, like an invisible string was tied between them.

She thought often also of Lord Hux’s words. It was not her duty, to try and fix the problems of the man who seemed to absorb much of her waking thoughts. She had no responsibility except to the feelings in her own heart. To leave him to his darkness, unchecked and unopposed, seemed wrong, when she cared for him so very much. Whether it was mere care due to their past, and the young man who had once saved her and started her down a path that had ended in prosperity and safety for her, or whether it was also feeling for this new man, damaged and wild from years of violence, one who only gentled at her touch, and hers alone, one who seemed starved for kindness.

She had little luck avoiding Sir Snoke, and in fact, she rather thought he might be going out of his way to engage her. That evening, he managed to corner her as she wrote a letter to Maz in the drawing room, the rest of the room engaged in card games and conversation.

“Lady Kanata, once again you set yourself apart from other ladies, by following higher pursuits than your peers” he had remarked, making himself comfortable beside her. She stiffened and shifted away.

“You do me too great a credit, I am afraid” she had said, sparely.

“I think not, do not think it has escaped my notice that you are one of the few ladies who remembers to call on our poor invalid above”

“I believe I am not in the minority in that respect, only in that Lord Hux deems it necessary to limit visitors” she didn’t add that Hux had turned away any other young, husband hunting ladies from visiting him, including Miss Maxwell.

“Surely a great compliment to you, that he finds you worthy. Are you well acquainted with Lord Solo” Snoke said.

“Somewhat” she said.

“I heard a tale that you were once lady’s maid to his mother, the great Leia Organa Solo. I knew her husband, you know, a long time ago”

“How fortunate” Rey said, hoping to discourage him from further conversation.

“Ben of course, is nothing like his father. I had thought he would be, and he does have his daring, his courage, but in other aspects, he has more of his grandfather in him” Rey thought a moment.

“You refer to Lord Anakin Skywalker?” she guessed.

“Yes indeed, a great hero he was, and will always be remembered as one. I knew him, when he was only Ben’s age. Full of ambition and a desire to see the world burn. He was an impressive young man. So full of anger” Snoke said, his voice lingering on the words.

“Ben reminds me of him, greatly. Though, even Anakin might have shied away from some of the things I have seen Benjamin do” he continued, and Rey felt her stomach drop. She wanted away from this man and this conversation, but his words lured her in, sparked her curiosity.

“What kind of things?” She asked, in a half whisper.

“Things that would keep you awake at night… terrible, dark deeds, done without remorse or conscience”

“You are not well acquainted with Ben if you think him without remorse, he is wholly changed by it since his return. He is haunted by it”

“A mere act, I am sure. No one could have been so convincing, in the face of bloody horror.” Rey stared at him, cataloguing with detachment the gleam in his eyes, the calculating curl to his lips.

A last puzzle piece of the man who had returned changed to her, the man she struggled to understand constantly. Others returned less changed than Ben had been by war, she had seen so herself, and yet, there had seemed like more than only bad luck between their experiences. Now, seeing Snoke, Rey finally understood, how a dark mentor, malicious and cunning, wielding authority over someone, might bend them to breaking point and make all the difference. She thought of her words carefully.

“How cruel it must be, for a man to serve his king and his country, and lose himself in doing it, but nonetheless, carry out his duty, and then, feel as though he is a demon for those very things. As if those things were a mark on his character, in a place where violence and death are easily dealt, and orders are given with impunity, leaving only the poor souls who must carry them out, the guilt to bear. How crueller still it is, to make a man marked by such conscience and guilt, to feel he is somehow personally damaged by those events, irreparably changed, and that perhaps, he was worse than any other, guilty of even more than his share. A king amongst monsters, when he did what he was asked, told, what duty demanded of him, and survived as he could.” She finished softly, as words sending a mottled flush up Snoke’s neck, as his mouth flattened in restrained anger.

“I have heard of your past, Rey Niima, I suppose you have done what you needed to survive as well” he said, meaning to shame her. Her mind moved quicker and quicker, connecting her impressions of Ben, his jagged self-loathing, his anger and encompassing guilt.

Survival. It was something she understood better than most.

Instead of reprimanding Snoke for his impertinence, she nodded, and surprised him, by reaching out and touching his hand.

“We all wish to survive, Sir Snoke. Thank you, for making me see it…” she said, softly.

 

 

Hux had watched Rose from afar that evening, for long enough. After cousin Rey had excused herself for bed, he had watched Sir Snoke, someone he had taken an instant dislike to, sidle up to Miss Tico. He wasn't the only one to court her attention at the party. Unwed, and filthy rich, she was an attractive conquest to many nobles with minor titles. He couldn't help but remember their names, and frown at their forwardness. Snoke was by far the lowest of rank, manner and the eldest. the difference in their ages disgusted Hux, and he endeavoured to spare Rose Snoke's company whenever he could. Now, he approached, and was gratified to see that even the sight of him approaching, sent the admiral away, not without a contemptuous glance. 

“Miss Tico, I wanted to ask how you are finding our little gathering?” Lord Hux asked Rose, as she turned her attention gratefully to him. She turned and looked at him, a warm rosy tint to her smooth cheeks that he found immeasurably pleasant to look at. 

“It is very agreeable” she said softly.

“You do not find the company limited?” he explored further, finding himself quite satisfied with her pretty appreciation

“Not at all, you have assembled an interesting array of people. If anything, I fear I might lack the requisite interests to entertain the others”

“Well, I know that not to be the case. As I have observed you talent of making even something mundane, seem fascinating”

“I’m not sure that is fully a compliment, Lord Hux” Rose laughed.

“Well, it was meant as one, even if my tongue does attempt to trip me every chance, when we converse.” He said, and continued quickly as though the admission had revealed too much of his inner flouderings.

“And the countryside, how do you find Arkanis? Is it to your liking?”

“It is, I cannot someone who didn’t love such a place.” Rose admitted.

“I am relieved”

“Worry not, Lord Hux, I am sure your guests are very satisfied”

“I mean I am happy that you like it, Miss Tico, above others” Rose stared at him, and he met her gaze. She felt her breath grow light and her entire body tingle under that strong, blue regard.

“You flatter me, Lord Hux” she demurred, quite unsure of how to proceed in the face of his earnest and confident compliments.

“I mean to, Miss Tico” he said, with a smile.

 

* * *

 

 

That night Rey lay in bed, feeling a warmth in her chest, where before there had been anxiety. She could finally understand something about Ben. It didn’t excuse him, or absolve him, but speaking to Snoke had given her an insight into the darkness he had experienced, the one ripping him apart.

Now, he tore and he threatened and he manipulated… and she thought she had started to understand why.

To survive.

The deep night inside of Ben was slowly swallowing him whole, and he was grasping at the means of survival, and to him, it was her. She was standing at the edge of that abys over which he hung, and only her skirt tails stopped him from slipping. It might not be true, or it might be unfair to her, but nonetheless, she could finally see, it was how he felt. She had taken the first step, closer to the heart of his darkness.

 

Long after Rey had succumbed to sleep, and all the house was finally abed, a soft sound in the hall woke her. She blinked awake, a sudden and jarring movement into consciousness. It was a skill learned at a young age, to jump awake, the soft persistent sounds of someone trying to steal your things at Niima, like a siren through her slumber.

She lay in the dark, her eyes open and staring, her heart bumping unusually fast as she took stock of her surroundings. She quickly recalled her location, and determined that the noises were coming from the doorway, locked, as was her usual precaution, with the sound of a key turning.

She sat up, instantly wary and climbed out of bed. She went toward the door, just as it opened.

“Arte!” she gasped, upon seeing her face, lit by a sole candle, emerging from the darkness of the hall.

“What’s wrong?” she asked the breathless maid, who was looking about as though she were being hunted.

“I don’t know, maybe nothing, and you’ll berate me, but I couldn’t stand it if I were wrong”

“Speak plainly then, what ails you” Rey said, pulling Arte into her chamber.

“I was working in the kitchen, finishing up mending that dress, the blue one, with the ripped hem? Anways, I saw a man there, poking around near the butlers study. He came out, and went directly into the foyer, and then, up the stairs. I thought it strange see, I don’t know why, but there was something… off about him” Arte said, and Rey imagined she knew exactly who her friend meant.

“What happened?”

“Well, I followed him a little up the stair, just trying to make sure everything was as it should be. He went into a room along the hall a ways, he entered with a key”

“It might have been his own room” Rey said, even as nerves sprang to life in her gut.

“Yes, it might have been… only, I saw him use the butler’s keys to enter, not the ones give to guests. Also, the room was located in the women’s quarters… I don’t think it was his” Arte explained. Rey pulled her wrapper from her bed, and pulled it on, going to the doorway, and into the hall.

“Show me where” she instructed Arte, and followed her bobbing candle down the hall, in the opposite direction of her own room. As she went, the feeling of dread inside her grew stronger.

Finally Arte pointed, and Rey froze still.

“That one, it was that one” Arte said, her voice quiet with anxiety. Rey rushed past her, and tried the handle of the door. It was locked fast. She tried to turn it either way, and then, banged a fist on the hard surface. Arte’s hand pulled her back sharply, just as she was about to open her mouth to scream, and bring all of Arkanis House down upon them. She turned to her wild eyed.

“This is Rose’s room!! He has entered Rose’s room and locked the door, Arte – help me” she cried, raising her fist to the door and preparing to bang again. Arte pulled her away.

“Wait, Rey, think what you do! This might be his very purpose. Your friend is exceedingly rich. If she is found, before the whole household - compromised, she could end up married to the fiend” Arte said, the words like a shock of cold water over Rey’s head. She felt paralysed with fear.

“So what? You suggest we leave her to be defiled by such a monster, and hide his crime? He could be hurting her right now!” Rey hissed at Arte, who gripped her hands back harder, and shook her.

“Collect yourself. We could find Lord hux”

“We know not where his room is, in order to be discreet, and besides, he might be the last person Rose would want to know –“ Rey cried.

“Then you must think of someone who has the means to help, and who can be convinced to be quiet about it… someone with something to gain from helping” Arte said, and the certainty settled on Rey. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy. She suddenly knew who it had to be, and she also knew, what his price would be.

“I know who, come with me” she said, turning back toward her end of the house, and running, her bare feet making no sound against the carpet. She reached her door and continued on, reaching Ben’s quickly. She knocked quietly, hoping against hope that the sound would wake him.

“Ben” she hissed through the key hole, every second that passed and its implications for Rose bearing down on her and making her frantic with worry.

She knocked again, a little louder and waited. Just when she thought him asleep, and that she would be forced to scream the house awake after all, the door opened, and Ben appeared, leaning heavily on the handle, his twisted leg still not fully recovered. He was dressed only in his undershirt, loose at the laces, and untucked from breeches. He didn’t seem too sleep ridden, however, and his eyes sharped quickly on examination of her face.

“Rey  - what’s wrong?” he asked immediately.

“I -  I require your help, and it can only be you, and it must be now” she said, all in a rush.

“Can you walk?” she asked, gesturing madly along the hall, as he came out his room, and starting after her without question. They travelled down the hall, Rey running on ahead, and waiting for Ben to catch up.

As they came close to the room, and its disturbing silence, Ben paused, pressing a hand to the wall, as he gathered strength.

“I know not what I will find beyond that door, but whatever it is, it will be as you ask it to be… but you know my price, and I will have your word to pay it” he said suddenly, and she felt her heart fall that he would exact her promise in advance, and in another stranger way, grateful that this game was coming to an end between them.

Since the night he had crept into her house, and kissed her to a frenzy in her bed, she had felt deep inside her that it would not be the last time, and she had tried to deny the part of her that didn’t want it to be. Her recent revelations about Ben’s character, his darkness, his need to survive, and how he depended on her for the will to do it, had broken some of her resistance against him. She thought, perhaps, there was a chance, that if she went to him, offered herself to him, he would turn, from the dark path he had been set upon, and find the man he once was, again. Or perhaps she was only naïve and hopeful, regardless, Rose needed her, and she would not fail her.

“Rey – will you accept my conditions, wholly and without reservation?” he asked again, and she found herself nodding.

“I would hear you say it” he pushed, his dark eyes intent on hers.

“I will agree to meet your price. Whatever it may be, I take on the debt” she said, and turned to the door.

“Break it down” she instructed grimly.

He came closer, setting his large hand to the handle and trying it, rattling it so hard, the whole door creaked. He leaned away, frowning, and then, threw his weight into it, slamming it with his shoulder. It remained locked. He did so again, a grunt leaving his lips at the impact. The door was unmoved, through it had rattled harder than ever that time. Just when Rey thought that perhaps it was too strong or his injury too grave, he looked at her, all the longing in the world on his face, before he slammed his shoulder into it once more, his good side taking the battering, and the door flew open. Ben fell into the room, and Rey was right behind him, with Arte rushing in, and closing the door after them.

Ben had not stopped moving when he came crashing through the door, and now she saw that he had descended on the figures on the bed, and pulled the top one, Snoke, to the floor. Rose was laying on the bed, curling herself into a ball, with sobs already shaking her slight body. Rey went instantly to her side, and pulled her to her chest.

“All is well, it is over, we are here” she whispered, as Arte too reached around Rose, and together, they surrounded her with the feeling of safety.

Ben was grappling with his former superior on the floor, the old man no match physically for Ben, but he was aware of Ben’s injuries, and as Rey watched, Snoke threw out a sharp kick into Ben’s twisted knee, and he went down heavily on it.

“Ben!” she gasped, as he pivoted on the floor, recovering quickly, and grabbing the back of Snoke’s jacket as he attempted to stand. He threw him down again, his hands pressing his shoulders into the floor, as he tried to subdue him.

“What have you done? You sick, twisted- you have betrayed my trust“ Ben was saying, in a ugly, aggressive tone.

“Trust? Surely you have never trusted me, Solo? That would be a great folly” the old man laughed, as he squirmed beneath Ben, looking for a hand hold to break free.

“You have no honor” Ben was grunting, as Snoke attempt to ring his neck with his hands, and Ben pulled back, his long reach enabling him to stay out of Snoke’s reaching fingers.

“And you do? Please. Do not lie to me, I know you, young Solo. I am you, only you were luckier in birth and circumstance. Why should these whelps have all the money, and all the influence, why should I, who have served more than any, have nothing?” Snoke was saying, as he tried to slide out from Ben’s heavy weight.

“Rey – take Rose, and go directly to your rooms, and lock the doors behind. I will come to you, when I have seen that our unwanted guest has left” Ben was saying, thought everything was sounding an effort, the spry old man providing stronger than he looked.

“Rey- go now, Protect Miss Tico’s reputation” Ben said, and Rey stood. Together, her and Arte took Rose from the room, leaving Ben fighting with Snoke, and hurried to Rey’s room, locking the door upon entry.

Rose was crying quietly, and Rey took her to her bed and tucked her in there. She went to the other side, and got in, wrapping arms around her friend as she wept.

The dark night passed in the quiet ticking of seconds on the clock, and the soft cries of Rose’s despair, until eventually, she lost all energy, and fell into a troubled sleep. Rey could not find even that, her mind fixed on Ben and Snoke, and the wonder of what was happening.

As grey light started to filter beneath the curtains, and the sounds of staff waking up filled the corridors. She heard a soft knock at the door. She got carefully out of bed, and went to the door, opening it a crack. Ben was standing in the hall. He was ashen faced, the long, difficult night having extracted a toll. He was fully dressed however, and she saw fresh mud had lick his boots.

“I do not wish to disturb Miss Tico, but I wanted to inform you that Sir Snoke has departed, I saw him off myself.” Ben said, his hazel eyes light with the pre-dawn colours creeping into the hallway from the long windows at the end.

“She will never have to see him again. She is safe now” Ben said, his face troubled with guilt, and Rey could easily understand why, being the reason Snoke was in invited in the first place.

“You couldn’t have known, that he would try something of this sort” she said softly. Ben nodded, looking her in the eye with such grave torment, she was caught in his stare.

“I would have you know, that I had no part in this. I would never – it was not some elaborate ruse to gain your agreement. I want you to know that, I need for you to know it. Despite my terrible wrong doings, and dark deeds, there were lines that I never crossed, that I would never-” he bit off his words, and she could easily see the honestly on his face. Ben’s face had never been a mystery, every emotion he felt was played out there, for all to see. She had seen his anger and genuine shock and disgust. She believed him.

“How is Miss Tico? I will have to tell Hux something… to explain” he said, shifting in the doorway. Rey nodded, biting her lip.

“Perhaps Catherine can handle it all?” she suggested.

“Perhaps, though Hux will wonder what is wrong with Rose, if she is unable to leave her rooms and act somewhat normal for the remainder of the party. Perhaps an expedient excuse, to take her back to London, would be best” Ben said.

“Yes, I will think of something. I will go with her and Paige.”

“Very good. I will call on you, in London then. We can talk – about yesterday evening.. and-“ he was flushed almost, his pale cheek tinting the softest pink, as his eyes slid from hers. She almost suspected he was flustered, discussing his intent toward her, what he meant to exact in the wake of her promise, perhaps because of the way it had come about.

“Our agreement. I do not mean to go back on my word, Ben. But there are terms and conditions to be agreed”

“You agreed to all, sight unseen” he reminded her, showing her once more than even when he seemed almost bearable again, in the next moment, he frustrated her.

“And I would like to know what that entails.” She said, softly, glancing inside the room as she heard the bed covers stirring, and soft murmur of her voice.

“I will release you now, please, attend your friend. Give her comfort and reassurance. Have a safe journey to town. I will not be long behind.” He said, and suddenly, stepped toward her, surprising her with a swift press of his lips, a flash of the warmth of his breath on her skin, his glove against her cheek, and was gone, almost as soon as she realised it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all!
> 
> Almost Guy Fawkes night here, and I'm posting amid all the fireworks in London going off outside!
> 
> And now for the story fireworks... this is a long one, but I didn't think it needed split, so maybe I'll just start doing really long chapters from now on? 
> 
> Anyway... enjoy! Let me know what you think xoxo


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What can I say? I couldn't wait...

 “Follow me your grace” the Tico’s footman directed Rey into a drawing room, wide and gracious, where she instantly saw Rose, sitting in a puddle of light, a book open on her lap, though her eyes were fixed in the distance. Paige was sitting near her embroidering. It was quiet in the room, the eerie sort of deep quiet, that was the very opposite of any place Rose normal inhabited.

Paige looked up as Rey entered, looking relieved.

“Look sister, Rey has come already, isn’t it nice” she said, putting out her hand to touch Rose, and awoke her from her reverie. Rose turned to look at Rey, and stood, her book falling off her lap. She rushed to her and threw her arms around her middle. Rose had been taciturn in the carriage ride home the previous day, and Rey had left her with reluctance before returning to her own house.

The night had seemed to have done little to calm her, Rey noted with despair.

“Thank you for coming” Rose breathed against her chest, as Rey returned her embrace, rubbing large, warm circles on her back.

“I couldn’t wait to see you” Rey said, drawing Rose to the couch, and sitting with her there. Paige settled opposite, her eyes full of concern as she watched them. Rose was snuggled into Rey’s side, her hand always touching some part of her.

“How are you feeling?”

“Terrible, worse than terrible… I feel afraid when I close my eyes, that I will open them, and that monstrous face will be there”

“He is gone, I do not know where, but Ben would not leave him lightly, after realising his crime” Rey felt sure of that.

“I am ruined” Rose muttered.

“No! Not at all, no one knows, save Ben and Arte, and us present in this room, and no one will know, if you wish it. Not even Catherine.”  
“Catherine would tell her brother, there is little between them, and I would not have him know for-“ Rose broke off, her voice was defeated.

“If he thought less of you for it, he is not as good a man as we think him to be. It is only a judgement on his character” Paige said stiffly, and Rey nodded in agreement. Rose let out a bitter laugh.

“Those proclamations are easy to say… when you do not care for him.”

“He will know nothing, and would think nothing bad of you if he did. How are you feeling, have you spoken to Paige about – the incident?” Rey pushed, the thought had kept her awake at night. She had been alighting her carriage and going up the stairs of the townhouse, when she had heard a baby crying, through an open window. She had suddenly stilled, thinking of the horror that might be yet to come, if Snoke had had enough time to plant his seed within Rose. She had barely been able to sleep for thought of it. Rose was shaking her head, and Paige looked worriedly at them both.

“Will you tell us about it now? Secrets are a poison, we must bleed them out, with a cut, quick and painless” Rey urged, hoping Rose felt safe enough to tell her.

There was a silence, for a long time, nothing was spoken, and then, finally, Rose’s voice filled the air.

“He entered the room, and I did not quite wake, straight away. I think he was looking around, at my things, walking to and fro. Eventually, this woke me. When I saw him, I was about to scream, but then he smiled, and I realised he was waiting for me to do it. He had cast off his coat, and his shirt was open, his breeches-“ she broke of, clenching her hands in her skirts, so hard her knuckles were completely white.

“He had unfastened his breeches also. I did not scream. I realised he was waiting for me to. I understood then, that he meant to ruin me, and force me into some kind of financial compromise. I stood up, and he laughed, as he looked at me. He told me, he supposed he would have to do it ‘the old fashioned way’ and came for me. I escaped under the bed, there is much room there, and from there I was able to kick off his hands as he tried to pull me out.” Rey felt a surge of pride for her ingenious friend.

“He had only just taken hold of my ankle, and pulled me out, throwing me on the bed, when the door to the room started to bang. He must have thought that somehow, despite my lack of compliance in screaming or calling for aid, someone was about to discover us. He threw me down, and rent my shift, so I looked as debauched as he, and then, Lord Solo arrived, and cast him off me” Rose said, and both Rey and Paige shared twin looks of relief. Rey let out a long breath she felt she had been holding since the previous night.

“You must think me weak to be so turned about by it-“

“No! Rose, you endured a terrible ordeal, and only by wit and strength did you manage to escape it so wholly. As it stands, he violated less than he meant to, but did so nonetheless, and I am so proud of you… but I would never tell you that you have no right to be fearful and upset. It was a terrible experience, you must feel how you feel and have no guilt in it” Rey pressed, desperately hoping Rose would be kind to herself.

“I cannot stop thinking, there must have been something I did to attract his attention”

“Sister, desist at once. A wolf needs no provocation to attack, he is a predator, who chose an unknowing victim. You should feel no shame nor guilt”

“I know, it is what I would tell you, if the situation were reversed, and yet, I cannot help feel it about myself.” Rose said miserably.

“It will pass. The horror is still fresh, you are still unsettled. When the trauma passes, you will feel gradually at ease once more. Just practice, being kind to yourself, every day” Rey advised.

“What if someone saw?”

“No one saw, and any way, any rumours that abound Ben will take care of”

“Why would he do that?”

“Snoke was his guest, and he is obliged to” she didn’t say, that it was also in his best interests to make the entire thing disappear to Rey’s satisfaction.

 

* * *

 

  

Rey changed her gown when she returned from the Tico’s from her walking out dress to a home dress, for receiving visitors. She chose not to examine this desire too closely. She had a multitude of dresses and barely wore them, especially the light coloured ones, and she felt like shaking off the darkness today.

Her hair was caught up loosely, the heavy mass pinned softly at her nape, and her dress was a creamy muslin, embroidered with tiny flowers, the arms transparent and long, in deference to the cool weather.

She did not like to admit to herself that she was waiting, but, as she sat in the window seat, a book on her knee, and looked up once more, seeing another black clothed person pass the window, she felt it silly to deny it.

A little after noon, he came.

He entered the room all in a rush, his face drawn and intent, and seemed almost taken aback to find her there, standing to receive him, without murmur of protest. He stopped short, upon entering, cause Simon to stumble into his back, which he did not notice.

“Lord Benjamin Solo, your grace” Simon sniffed, still wary about Ben, and his unpredictable behaviour.

“Thank you, you may leave us” Rey said, and Simon turned a scandalised face to her.

“That will be all” she said, turning away to dismiss him, hoping against hope that his sense of deference would force him to leave them without further comment.

The sound of the door shutting a little too pointedly sounded, and Rey looked over, to see Ben frowning smiling faintly.

“I don’t think your butler is overly fond of me”

“He is far too sensible to take you for anything other than what you are”

“Which is?”

“A scoundrel” she said sweetly, sitting down, so he might. He still seemed unsettled, looking about as if waiting for some other guest to swoop down on them, or another member of staff to appear.

When none did, he sat, flicking back his coat tails as he did, filling the large chair entirely with his broad frame.

“May I enquire as to the health of Miss Tico?” he asked.

“She is physically well, but emotionally, she is still quite distraught. She is having nightmares and is very fearful and agitated.”

“I am very sorry to hear it. She is a lovely girl. She will recover, I hope, to her full self again, in time?”

“I think so, she is strong, stronger than she realises.”

“This may sound indelicate, and believe me when I confess, I have no wish to ask you, but have you asked her what occurred? There are questions as to-“

“Her virtue was not taken. She fought him off, escaped and managed to preserve herself from his touch, almost until you entered” Rey said, and it was as if a great weight was lifted off Ben, his shoulders slumping with relief a little, as he pressed back further in the chair. He caught her watchful expression.

“I know she is scared, and she suffered terribly, but I pray, knowing she does not harbour memories even more hurtful, even physical pain and the greater consequences... is a relief. It will make it easier for her to move past, in time.”

“What did you do with him?” Rey asked, and Ben almost flinched, as though the memory of his last interaction with Snoke hurt him also.

“I dragged him from the estate, and took him somewhere, quiet. I confess – I beat him terribly. I thought then, that it wouldn’t take much more, to end his miserable life, but I could not commit the act. I left him there, for nature to take him, if it willed, and warned him that the consequence should he return, would be death” he shifted his eyes from hers, guilt shining in them.

“I am sorry” he said heavily.

“Why?”

“I couldn’t – end him, as he deserved. I have not taken a life outside of war, and I found in me a line I didn’t know how to breech. But I will” he looked at her then, his eyes hardening a little.

“If he returns, I will overcome that resistance and end him. I swear it to you”

“I pray he does not, for I would like that line to stay uncrossed also” Re admitted at length.

“Hux was concerned for Rose’s wellbeing, he seemed disbelieving of the story of needing to return to town. He will call on her, soon, I suspect.” Ben warned.

“She does not wish to tell him, or Catherine, for fear of him finding out”

“He would not blame her. Hux may be a jaded cynic to most, but he is really rather steadfast in his affections, and he has settled much attachment on Miss Tico. He highly regards her”

“I know. I can see it, in the way he looks at her” Rey said, a slight smile on her lips as she thought of them.

“Let us discuss your price then, for I am certain it is why you have called.” She said suddenly, the expectation weighing on her more moment by moment. He nodded, watching her carefully.

“You know my intentions toward you” he said after a moment.

“You want.. to lay with me?” she managed, a blush that felt as though it started in her feet and blossomed over her entire being.

“Try again, dearest one.” He said, giving her a crooked smile.

“To punish me?” she asked, reminding him of his cruel and vengeful words, mere weeks ago. He frowned.

“I confess, I feel my vengeance waning, in face of my desire for you, though, the two are not mutually exclusive. My price is not a night of stolen passion, Rey, and you know it”

“I don’t know it, just tell me, please, just tell me what I have agreed to”

 “What would a monster want, besides your mind and body, your very soul… to own, to possess” he said, sitting forward, and reaching for her hand, lying on her lap. She looked down at it, as he took her fingers between his, lacing them between each other.

 “Do you still think me a monster?” he asked, his eyes watching her every reaction.

“It doesn’t matter what I think but what you think. Do you really consider yourself so?” she asked, arching an eyebrow at him. His hazel eyes were clear today, luminous gold in places, and warm, so warm.

“A wretched soul cannot just change overnight, I am afraid, a monster cannot remember how to be a man so easily. I want my price, and I will have it. I want you to be mine, totally and completely.” He said. His words scared her as much as they thrilled something shameful inside her.

“I am not without consideration of course. You dower is modest, and the home you share with Maz is tight. I would make you the Marchioness of Alderaan, in return, if you wished it.” He said it almost casually. Rey frowned at him, proposing a life-long relationship, with such ease.

“You propose marriage, when only days ago you were threatening me and warning me away. I would not risk my income and survival on your affection… when it seems as changeable as the wind” she said quietly, and ignored the hurt look in his eye.

“I am independent and free. I would choose to stay so.” She said finally. He nodded at length, accepting her decision, though his expression was stung.

“Then be as most wealthy widows, and take a lover.” He said, and Rey nodded slowly, her cheeks flaming at his words, at the scandalous proposition he was making, that she had already agreed to.

“Of course, this is entirely voluntary of course. I won’t have an unwilling participant, in fact, a requirement I have is that you participate quite keenly. You can shudder from my touch all you want, internally. To my face and under my hands, before others, I will seem your most beloved and treasured… you will always welcome me, that is a condition of our agreement” he was saying, his voice a little harder on the words, masking his worry that she was unwilling, and would only suffer his touch because of her debt.

“I do not shudder at your touch. I do not feel revulsion, when you touch me, Ben. If I did, I do not think you would be proposing what you are. I do not think you are the monster you imagine.” She said slowly. He stared at her, looking taken aback by her confidence.

“I think it is a mask, that you wear to hide your true self… and I have no fondness for it.”

“You are naïve to think I am unchanged, you will be disappointed” he warned.

“I didn’t say you were unchanged. I said I do not think you a monster. I know you are changed, affected… but not lost… not unredeemable” she said. He looked completely thrown by her words, shifting uncomfortably in the seat, his cheek stained pink, under her honest stare.

“Your confidence may prove to be unfounded, but I will not warn you away. Do you accept?” he said at last.

“What of Hux? What if he challenges my dower, and I lose my title?” she asked suddenly, the worry always lingering at the back of her mind.

“It matters not to me if you are titled or not.” He said immediately.

“I wouldn’t be able to hold up my end in that case, but should be excused from it. I will have to move, to find a form of work”

“No” Ben said shortly, and she stared at him and his instant response.

“What do you mean no? I will have to-“

“I will not have your time taken up with such things. The agreement is that you are on hand for when I want you, and I do not like being made to wait.” He said, and Rey suddenly say him as the impetuous boy he had been when they met. Perhaps there was some of Ben Solo that had not changed overly much.

“You will visit me in the poorhouse then? Warm my bed in a room of twenty others?” she smiled softly a him, inviting him to see his folly.

“So you may fulfil your obligation, I will provide your living, it is hardly of consequence, and do not see it as a possible escape from our arrangement” he warned, his eyes narrowing.

“And my servants?”

“If we married, they would always have a place at Alderaan House” he said.

“We discussed that already, I do not wish to lose my independence”

“If Hux takes your dower, you have lost it anyway, my sweet” he reminded her.

“I would not marry again except for the highest inducement to do so. The strongest love, the truest trust, the purest happiness. I would not bargain with both our futures so lightly…” she said finally.

“Very well, if this is a negotiation, then I have a final stipulation, in order to provide living for all your household, without exception”

“I am listening”

“You must never say no to me. You will never refuse my request.” He said, and Rey’s heart fell at his words. There had been a moment where it seemed them both to be making a leap of trust together, and then, Ben had to dash those hopes immediately.

“That is… cruel, even for you” she finally, her disappointment clear on her face. He nodded slightly.

“I will not pretend to be anything other than I am.”

“A monster?” she bit out, a little accusingly, already regretting her previous assertion that he was not.

“As you say”

“So you will force me then, you want my dignity and free will”

“I want – your surrender, Rey. Total and absolute. Nothing less will satisfy me. Now tell me, do you accept my terms?”

She nodded jerkily, and the smile on his face was enough to turn her stomach. It was gloating, pure and simple.

“I want to hear you say it” he said.

“I accept your terms” she said from afar, hearing her voice as if from a long distance. He nodded solemnly, before shifting forward in the chair, and cupping her face with his hands, running his thumbs over the apples of her cheeks, before leaning in, and pressing the lightest of kisses on her lips.

“Lie back” he commanded, making her heart leap into her throat.

“Why?” she demanded immediately, as he stood up and went to the door, turning the key in the lock. The sound echoed in her chest, sending nerves spiralling through her.

He turned around and looked at her, gone was an openness of his previous expression. Now, his face burning with want, and intention. He walked toward her, pulling his gloves off as he went, finger by finger, he loosened them, and then, cast them aside, his eyes never leaving hers as he did so.

“Lie back, sweetheart. I desire to seal this agreement, just in case, you decide to change your mind” he said, as he took off his coat, and laid it next to his gloves, and approached her, kneeling before the settee she sat on.

“I do not break my promises” she said, and a frown crossed his face. He was no doubt recalling when she left Alderaan House, after promising to be there with him, in the wake of his parents deaths. She did not see it as breaking her promise, as she had promised to return if he wanted, but of course, he didn’t know that, and doubted her word.

“You’ll forgive me if I am reluctant to take your word as bond… but the flesh, it doesn’t lie. And I mean to taste what I have won, and write my name where only you know, to remind you of my claim.” He was saying, as he put a hand to her sternum, and gently pushed her flat on her back. She found herself lying on the settee, her legs dangling off the edge, staring at the ceiling, nerves coiling through her. She felt his hands touch the hem of her gown, and then, slowly start to drag her skirts up. The air felt cool against her stockinged legs, and soon, Ben’s hands were sliding around her ankles, as he removed her shoes. She couldn’t bear it, she rose on her elbows to watch him, his touch the first on the virgin skin of her legs, as he then, ran his fingers up past her knees, and onto her thighs. He unfastened her stockings, his breath coming more quickly as his eyes lingered on the exposure skin there. He started to peel them off, as gentle as could be. He looked up and caught her panicked expression then, and must have seen the fear in her eyes.

“Rey, I won’t hurt you. I mean to give you pleasure, if you will let me” he said softly. His hands were calloused and rough, as they dragged up her skin, prickling in the air, and left goose bumps in their wake. She found her thighs were trembling, and dug her hands into her bunched skirts. He leaned forward then, and suddenly ran his nose along the inside of her thigh, which made her jump.

“What are you doing?” she asked, nervous for all she didn’t know, her ignorance of matters of the bedroom making her feel vulnerable.

“Are you not… going to lie with me?” she asked, knowing only that what Ben was doing was far from the crude coupling she had seen as a child on the streets, or animals on the estate.

“No, I won’t lie with you now. There are preparations to be made, if you wish to prevent the conception of children… as you surely know, as you did not conceive during your marriage”

“Of course” she said, feeling relieved, and also frightened of Ben realising the truth. It seemed too great a secret, for what it would reveal about her relationship with Dopheld. She determined not to tell, unless she was forced. Knowing little about the act of sex, she thought perhaps she might conceal it.

“Trust me, Rey. I won’t do anything to hurt you” he was saying as he trailed a hot, wet line up her inner thigh with his tongue, a dragging motion that made her writhe.

“I won’t do anything you do not enjoy, and beg me for… again and again” he was murmuring, his words making her shift around on the soft chair, an ache inside her begging for release.

“If you wish me to stop anytime, you need only ask” his voice caressed, and she could feel his face was now position before her centre, only the thinnest drawers concealing her from his eyes. His hot breath curled the skin there, making her shiver anew. He leaned his face forward, and pressed against her through her underwear, and she nearly shot off the settee. He waited a moment, as the sensation became bearable to Rey, the heightened sensitivity dulling a little, only to long for more. Her breathing grew ragged as she waited, stopping herself from reaching out to pull his head more firmly against her. As it was, only a fraction of him brushed her, and it was maddening.

“Tell me to stop, and I will” he said again, and she realised he was waiting for her to tell him. She felt frustration, even as she leaned up and looked at him, the wicked gleam in his eye only dulled by the apparent want. It was as maddening for him as her, and to stop now would destroy them both.

“Don’t stop” she said, and sealed her fate. She was a fallen woman, and she had embraced it wholeheartedly. There was nothing left but to experience what she was had traded Rose’s reputation for.

“Good girl… lie still, and trust me” he said, his voice muffling as he leaned forward and put his mouth directly there, where she wanted it the most.

His nose brushed firmly against her, making her toes curl, and her thighs try to close. He put his hands on her thighs and pushed them apart, splaying her more widely open, and unlaced her drawers, opening her intimate place to the air.

“You are exquisite” he breathed, as he looked at her. She felt that there should be shame in such wanton behaviour, but felt curiously unable to feel it. All she felt was hunger, for the things Ben promised her, to finally know what her body called for, in the long and lonely nights.

He leaned forward once more, and his mouth descended on her, and she thought no more.

His mouth was hot on her, his tongue sorting through her folds deftly, sliding up and down the length of her, before settling on the bundle of nerves hidden at the top, like a pearl. His tongue traced slow circles on her, pausing only to suck at intervals, and then, resuming its lazy pace. His fingers moved higher on her thighs, now urging them up onto his shoulders, so if she crossed her knees, she might hold him in place there, at her mercy. Rey was lost in the sensations, a building ache inside her, foreign and frightening. He pulled back, and she almost whined at the loss, and opened her eyes and looked down, to find him grinning against her inner thigh as he pressed kisses along it.

“You taste better than I had remembered.” He murmured, raising a finger to her lips. She had barely a moment to wonder what he wanted, before he pressed it inside her mouth, pumping it gently in and out, until it was wet, sliding free with a pop. He lowered it back to her centre, and his mouth resumed its delicious torture, as his long, thick finger, stroked her lower, and finally, in a move that had her tightening her thighs around his head with pleasure, slid inside her.

His mouth worked her, as his finger explored, pushing in and out, in a lewd rhythm, one that made her legs shake. Rey felt herself building, toward some unknown destination, and Ben seemed to feel it also, as his tongue moved faster and more purposefully, and his finger became a relentless swirl inside her, faster and faster, until she sensed the edge of a precipice of feeling approaching, with no means to stop. She threw her hands to his head, holding him in place, her fingers curling into his long hair, as she fell over that edge, Ben the relentless driver of her euphoria, pushing her into a blinding peak of pleasure. He didn’t stop, even as her legs threatened to topple him, flexing strong muscles around his head, her fingers tugging his hair for mercy. She felt herself let lose wetness she couldn’t counter, an unbidden rush from her body, into Ben’s waiting mouth, and the obscene sound of his lapping and suckling, made her feel wanton and decadent in extreme. He gentled his movements, when the sensitivity became too much, carefully pulling his fingers from inside her, a farewell caress, and pressed feather-light kisses to her twitching centre, even his soft breath too much to bear in her swollen flesh.

As her vision was still fogged and her body still alive with feeling, pulsing and contracting, she heard him swear and pull away, his hands leaving her body gently, though she cried out, feeling the absence of his closeness immediately.

She heard the sound of his unbuckling his breeches, and then, the slap of skin on skin. She leaned up to see, her curiosity driving her, and found the sight before her, for all its sinfulness, making her pleasure pulse brighter for a moment. He was gloriously unrestrained, his face flushed, his eyes dark as the night sky, his mouth, pink and moist with her juices, head thrown back, his strong muscled throat working, as his hands moved within his breeches. He was pumping himself hard, and she marvelled at the sight, the very first time she had witnessed its like. She must have made some sound, for he looked at her, and the curious expression on her face undid something inside him. He groaned, low and desperate, and then, leaned over her, his hand moving at frantic pace. She couldn’t help looking then, at his manhood, held in his fist, as he brought himself to release.

It was longer and thicker than she could have imagined, and as she watched, his spend, white and viscous, shot out against her trembling thighs, ropes of hot liquid splashing over her stomach and bare legs. Ben groaned again, as if in pain, his eyes burning into her skin and the evidence of his possession of her, of her acceptance of him, and then, at length slumped back down between her legs. The room was filled with their harsh breathing, and Rey felt the last of her pleasure slowly leave her, though in its wake was a tingling, an awareness of a new part of herself, that had just awoken.

She felt Ben’s hands touch her knees, and watched him taking her in, a rapt expression on his face. Her skin was glistening with his seed, and now, he started to massage it into the skin. In soft, even circles, he rubbed his release into her, soothing the muscles that had flexed for the first time, around his head.

“You are perfect, debauched and desperate for me, longing for my touch and glistening with my spend, marked as mine. And you are mine now Rey, you mustn’t forget it. No other man may touch you, as I have touched you, no other man may taste what is reserved for me” he was murmuring.

”I can tell in your pleasure you have never known it before, and might surmise that your martial bed held little in the way of it. I am sure you performed your duty regardless. But Rey, there is a world of pleasure that exists for two bodies, when they are entwined together in intimacy. I would show you that world, teach you of it… all you need do is allow me to” he was saying, his voice rough with spent passion, and Rey felt an exhaustion she had barely known before, descend over her.

He seemed to see it, as he pulled her dress carefully down, and arranged it modestly, before taking her hands, and pulling her upright. He even turned her to rest back against the sofa back, and arranged a cushion to lean against. Next, he leant down, and tucked her hair back, that which had escaped its prim bindings, and then, in a move that shocked her, perhaps more than anything he had done before, pressed a chaste kiss to her nose, and whispered to her.

“Thank you” he said, before straightening. He was looking at her with a fond expression, his hazel eyes lighter and less troubled than she had seen since his return.

“I wish I might bear you upstairs now, and tuck us both into bed, but I fear I have scandalised you enough for today. I am sure you wish to be rid of me, and have your privacy” he said, and she nodded faintly, though she was surprised to find inside herself the smallest disappointment that he was leaving.

“I will take my leave, I mean to see Hux and Catherine, and smooth over any questions about Miss Tico. Since you have decided to fulfil your part of the bargain so graciously, I will do my best to meet mine.”

“Very well” Rey said, finding the strength to move, and standing, though her legs were traitorous to her, and her knees felt weak.

“Until next time, your grace. I do so look forward to it” Ben said, with a crooked smile, as he went to the door, and gave a long, last, lingering glance, as though he might be changing his mind about leaving after all. However, he gathered himself, and unlocked the door, touching his hat in a farewell, before he was gone.

Rey fell back to the settee, in a puff of skirts, and fanned herself, her face finally aflame as she realised what she had done, what he had done, and the shameful question that had already sprung up in her heart… when would he return to do it again?

 

 

* * *

 

 

Catherine had suffered through the rest of the house party, but after her closer friends had left, she had taken little pleasure in it. It had seemed to be doomed from the start, with Ben’s injury and then Rey having to return to London on urgent business, and the Tico sisters deciding to go with her.

Since returning to town, she had attempted to call on Rose and Paige twice, along with her brother, who was most anxious to ensure all was well, and had been turned away. The first time was because they were not at home to received callers, and the second time, due to illness. Catherine was beginning to feel quite upset that her previously dear and open friends were acting cold toward her. Ben had been to call, and assured her nothing was amiss. He claimed to have seen both Rey and the Tico sisters, and found everything as usual, but there was something in his manner that seemed suspicious to Catherine.

Now, a week after their return from Arkanis, she became aware of a nasty rumour circulating about the house party. There was talk that something had happened in the night, the very night before her friends had fled for London. Talk of Rose, and a man in her room, talk of ruination and scandal, and the man in question, the man who was seen… it was nothing short of the scandal of the season.

The thought seemed ludicrous, but the rumour was circling widely, and believed by many. Catherine wished to speak with her friend and ascertain the truth herself, only she couldn’t manage to see her, and she didn’t dare trust anyone else to tell her the truth, for the man in question, the one who had been seen.... was none other than Benjamin Solo himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super long and mostly smut... sorry... 
> 
> Since everyone was worried about Rose, I wanted to update! 
> 
> Regarding the kind of dub-con between Rey and Ben, this is a forewarned dark fic... consent is iffy here, even if she ends up enjoying it... redemption is a long way off (if he manages it) for Ben. Hope you don't hate him too much for it!


	24. Chapter 24

 

 Armitage Hux had never cared for idle gossip. It was beneath him to listen to the drivel that people enjoy whispering behind others backs. Then again, seldom had the gossip involved someone he had a vested interest in.

Ben Solo had been his friend for most of his life. He was his best friend, even if the man who had returned recently to them was changed, in some fundamental way. He had seen gimplses of the old Ben, mostly in his interactions with Rey Kanata. His mother’s former servant brought out the man Hux had called his truest friend. He thought, given time, and the correct encouragement, alongside Rey, Ben might find himself again.

That was part of his entire reasoning behind the cursed house party in the first place. That, and Rey’s admission that Miss Tico was finding the season wearing, and she longed for country air. Instead of a peaceful and dare he say it, intimate gathering of friends, it had become a nightmare. Ben’s injury, and half his female guests escaping to London at first light one morning. That is not to mention Ben’s unsavoury guest. The man had struck Hux as wrong immediately, and he should have followed his instincts and made Ben take him away.

Now, dark and unpleasant rumours were flying, and he found himself doubting how well he knew Solo anymore. The Ben that he used to know, would never compromise an unwilling young woman, and he never would have kept company with that snake Snoke, in the first place. This Ben, at times a cold and arrogant stranger, he could no longer be sure, and it hurt him inside, a little, to lose faith in his friend.

 He was watching the door for Catherine. She had been to call on the Ticos, the first two times had been unsuccessful, and now, she had decided to go alone. He hoped, without his company, they might be induced to receive her. It cut him deeply, that for some reason Miss Tico did not wish to see him. He almost hoped that Catherine would against be refused, for it might mean he was not at fault, but, she had been gone the best part of the morning.

 

His mother was talking to an old friend, Lady Simmons, in the parlour behind him, their low tones turning scandalised, as he heard them move onto the topic most vexing to him.

“Of course, he won’t marry her… to besmirch the name of Solo by taking a husband hunting wife? Not to mention, a commoner, running Alderaan House? The scandal would be immense. Lord Solo’s reputation could absorb it of course, there are few more respected, thanks to his mother, and despite his father’s best efforts.”

“But he won’t, I bet my life on it. He has too much of his mother in him, to take a commoner to Alderaan and make her mistress there.” Lady Simmons said, her voice almost gleeful.

“And the girl knows nothing, believe me, even Armitage here has witnessed it, haven’t you, darling?” his mother said, drawing him into their conversation.

“Armitage?” his mother prompted, when he failed to respond.

“What, mother?” he snapped at her, and she was visibly taken aback by his response.

“He is upset, over what all this scandal might do to his friend’s reputation. Lord Solo is such a dear friend of the family”

“I do not suppose this will do anything to his reputation mother, for seldom does gossip harm a gentleman, than ruin a woman.”

“Women of loose virtue deserve to be ruined, Lord Hux” Lady Simmons sniffed, and Hux let out a bitter laugh.

“Purity is a virtue… as is compassion, is it not?” Hux said, and both the ladies faces reddened under his stare.

“If we tolerate the lack of one in society, and flaunt it, no less, then I suppose we should tolerate the other” he said critically.

“You have been listening to your sister too much, she has all these ideas and of course, she is friends with the Americans, if you can believe it” his mother went on, excluding him from further conversation. He stood abruptly, unwilling to hear more vitriol spilled that morning.

“I am going to White’s. I will be home for supper” he announced, and gave a short bow, barely enough to be considered polite, before leaving.

 

* * *

 

 

He decided to walk to the club, only a little while off, and clear his head. It was swimming with the gossip, with his own anxiety, writhing in the pit of his stomach.

He ascended the stairs to White’s, handing his hat and gloves to the attendant, and entered the gracious building. The club was busy, the gaming tables crowded and card games and conversation was a plenty as he walked through the smoky room toward the bar. As he approached, he saw the very man his conversation had featured, leaning there, alone, nursing a drink.

Ben turned when he saw him approaching in the mirror, a look of relief on his face.

“Hux, good man. I haven’t heard from you, I trust the end of the party was tolerable?”

“Uneventful” Hux supplied, as he asked for a drink and stood waiting for it, his hands drumming the bar.

“Look, I thought we might talk, I-“ Ben had started, and was cut off when a couple of gentlemen walked past, stopping beside them, one of them clapping Solo on the shoulder, leaning into him, already foxed at this early hour.

“Solo! I heard you’re making up for lost time! Your father would be proud… how was she?” the drunken fool asked, and Hux felt his expression turn to stone. Ben shrugged off the inebriated man, and turned away from him dismissively.

“I do not know who you speak of” he said.

“Surely you do, all of London knows… the little rich American… did you teach her some manners?” the man continued, as Ben met Hux’s cold gaze in the mirror beyond the bar.

“Remember yourself. I know not what you speak off, and you are close to offending me-“  
“So, nothing happened? Nothing in the dead of night… with Miss Tico and a torn shift…” the man murmured, quiet now, his voice suggestive. Hux might have missed it, if his eyes hadn’t already been on Ben’s. He expected him to deny it again, laugh it off, and he might relax, for of course his friend had not betrayed him so. But then, he saw, a little flicker of guilt in Ben’s eye. He was lying.

“I know nothing of the such, and suggest it again at your peril” Ben ground out, sending the men away, and leaving them along together at the bar.

“Let us speak, privately” Ben suggested, seeing Hux’s countenance. Hux followed him into a private room, where meetings are held, and waited until Ben closed the door behind him. He wasn’t sure how he felt, wasn’t certain of the depth of his anger, until Ben turned to face him. That handsome face, so like his handsome parents, always so able to get whatever he wanted, the most sought after man of every season, and he had chosen her…

His arm was arcing before he had even realised it, his fist flying toward Ben’s jaw, and it must have been the pure surprise of the attack that allowed him to land the hit so soundly. Ben’s head snapped back, a small crack sounding, as he turned away, cursing.

Hux stood there panting, his hand already painful, the knuckles throbbing, as Ben turned to face him, blood running freely from his nose and staining his teeth, as he shook his head.

“I deserve that” he said, and Hux felt that fury flare again, and stepped toward him. Ben held a warding hand, and Hux knew he’d never land another hit now.

“I deserve it, but not for the reason you think. Allow me to explain, please, my friend. Then, see what blame I deserve, for there is a large part that is mine regardless.”

 

* * *

 

 

And so Hux sat, stiffly at first, barely looking at Ben, and then, in time, stiffly for his anger was overflowing his veins.

“I brought him there, and that is my fault.”

“And I allowed him to stay, even when I took his measure immediately. That is mine” Hux said, standing to pace.

“That is why Miss Tico would not receive me” he muttered.

“She does not wish any one further to know, but I felt I must tell you, given the rumours that are spreading, unfortunately.” Hux stopped before the fire, leaning on the mantle, he looked into the flames, his heart beating uncomfortably.

“What will you do?” he asked at length, afraid to hear the answer.

“My friend, the real question… is what will you?” Ben asked, as they shared a long look.

“I must speak with her, but she will not receive me.”

“Speaking with her or not, these rumours are not abating. If she is to stay, she must marry. If something isn’t done, she will have no choice but to return home, where her reputation is less damaged.” Hux swore, his heart felt like bursting at the thought. It was a strange thing, for him, to feel such emotion. He was used to boredom and entitlement, the mildly scandalous preaching of his sister, but nothing came close to him. Nothing moved him. Inside his chest had been a lifelong cavern of ice, that had slowly been melting, since meeting Rose Tico, and now, faced with her loss, he felt like it had dried to a kindling inside, and might catch fire, and consume him.

 

* * *

 

 

Rey held the gown for court between her fingertips, looking at the fine, lace edging, feeling more nervous than ever about the occasion.

Two weeks had passed since she had last seen Ben, and it was strangely hard to bear. She should be relieved, but she wasn’t. He sent her letter, saying there was urgent business regarding his estate to attend to. She wondered if he had travelled to Alderaan House. She'd felt a twist of longing for a moment, for the rolling hills and foggy moors. The landscape of her childhood, her true one, the one she treasured.

It had come as a shock to her, that Rose and Paige had been invited to be introduced at court. As daughter to a wealthy merchant, it was not unheard of, however, the girls had already been out in society the season, and were older than others who might be presented. Be that as it may, and whatever strings their father had pulled to achieve it, they were to be presented. Rey wondered if it would do anything for the rumours circulating about Rose. The fact that Ben was being called the culprit was a curious and hurtful thing. That he might offer to marry her, to preserve her reputation was upsetting, while Rey chastised herself for casting her friend the lot of a ruined reputation so selfishly.

Despite marrying a peer, Rey had never attended a court drawing room, and never been in the presence of Queen Charlotte. She had an instinctive discomfort for the rich environment of the palace, and the gilded women and men they passed on their way to the Tico’s presentation. The girls were wearing their dresses, costing their father a fortune no doubt, hooped and wide, it was impossible to walk alongside, and Rey trailed behind, with their parents. Rose was quiet, and Paige bubbling with nerves. A presentation was not required, in order to enter society, and many girls married and left London without one. Mr Tico had hoped it would cheer Rose up. He had of course heard the rumours and gossip about his youngest daughter, something he would not have believed if not for the downcast manner of his usually delightfully cheerful girl. Something or someone had wounded her, and he was at a loss as to how to remedy it. Being presented would lend her a new level of respectability, and in the very least, remind eligible men how very rich she was. 

The presentation was brief, the girls approached the Queen, sitting in all her state, attended by her ladies in waiting, and performed gracefully. The court drawing room was lavish beyond imagining, with high windows and heavy red velvet drapes. Gold ornamentation graced many a surface, and highly patterned ornate chairs and other seating was taken up with the Queen’s court, lounging and talking. Rey tried to imagine living in such a place, a museum of wealth, and found she couldn’t. She much preferred the rustic warmth of Dunbeath, or elegant restraint of Leia’s rooms in Alderaan.

Soon, they were backing out the room, and Rey was left surprised that it was indeed so quick.  

They gained the hall, and Rose spun around and laughed, looking at them. Her eyes were a little lighter, as she pressed her hands to her cheeks.

“That was far more frightening than I had thought it would be!” she exclaimed. Paige was laughing too now, the pent-up anxiety they had felt before spilling over. Rey was relieved to see her friend seeming so relaxed and distracted.

“You did remarkably well! I cannot imagine how you managed to walk backwards in those gowns, you are far braver than I” Rey giggled, as they made to move down the hall. As they went, brushing by other court members, and others waiting to be presented, Rey slowly became aware of a dark figure striding toward them, along the great hall. She looked up to see it was Ben, dressed formally, and forbiddingly in black, his face fixed on their little party. She wondered wildly what he was doing, before he reached them, and bowed, addressing Mr and Mrs Tico first.

She saw Hux and Catherine approaching also, and gave Catherine a warm smile, who returned it immediately.

“Mr and Mrs Tico, I have attempted to speak with you, and have not had the fortune of being received.”

“You have some nerve coming here!” Mr Tico said loudly, causing Rey to flinch, and the assembled party to freeze. The noise in the hall fell quiet, as those around them turned their attention as well.

“Father-“ Rose started, her cheeks staining red under Ben’s heavy gaze on her parents, unflinching.

“No – do not attempt to intervene for this – cad… I will have my say” Mr Tico continued.

“You’ll only make it worse father!” Paige cried, taking his arm, only to be firmly set aside.

“We are only here to salvage your sister’s prospects, because this scoundrel has rent them apart, without care or conscientious. I will not spare his feelings.”

“I advise you to lower your voice, Mr Tico. It will do no one’s reputation any good, if a scene is caused”

“You Sir – are the one who caused the scene, and you know what I speak of” Mr Tico’s face had turned quite red, and he almost seemed as though he might hit Ben.

“Very well, if you do not wish to speak more privately, you leave me with no choice” Ben said stiffly, his eyes not daring glance at Rey.

“Lord Solo, do not distress yourself. You are not to blame, and I have been wrong not to admit the truth earlier. I will not have your reputation lost or damaged because of a good deed-“ Rose started, stepping forward, her tiny form almost completely obscured by her dress. Ben looked to her, his visage softening in sympathy, before he glanced to Rey.

“Rose, speak no more. You are heartbroken and confused. You have left her no choices, Lord Solo. She must marry and marry expediently, or return to America, a failure. Will you marry her, and do your duty as an honourable man?” Mr Tico demanded loudly, and Rey felt like crying in that moment. They were at an impasse. They could not reveal that it had been Snoke, for it would only ruin Rose further, and give the treacherous leech what he had wanted, a captive, rich wife.  At Ben’s silence, long and agonising, Mr Tico turned redder and redder still, and Mrs Tico began to cry, loudly, while silent tears tracked down Rose’s cheeks, and she looked more lost than ever. The observers on either side of them whispered louder and louder, and Rey thought she might scream with the tension, when a cold and precise voice cut through the din.

“Enough!” Rey turned her head toward the source of the silencing protest and was shocked to see Hux, pulled up to his impressive height, his face forbidding, as he stalked toward them. He went to Rose, and in a moment, surprised them all. He reached out a gloved hand, and wiped her tears off her cheek. The moment was fraught with tension, but Hux’s soft and gentleness with Rose, deflated something, it let the air return. It was silent as a grave, when Hux spoke again, softly.

“Are you well, Miss Tico?” he asked, his voice a world apart from its previous commanding tone. She bit her lip, as more tears still spilled from her beautiful almond eyes and she shook her head, minutely.

“I will make it so…” he murmured, so softly Rey wasn’t sure she would have made it out, if she hadn’t been standing beside her. He raised his voice then, and turned to her father. He held the attention of everyone in the hall, nigh on a hundred people.

“It is time to be honest, sweetheart. I will not see you hurt anymore, by my rash actions” he said, slowly and clearly, his words ringing out, causing a ripple of shock over the crowd.

“Mr Tico, I apologise that this confusion has been allowed to continue for so long. It was not Lord Solo who is wrong here, but I” the words sent the murmur of scandal up to fever pitch. Rose merely stared at him, with round eyes, her tears forgotten on her cheeks. He picked up her hand and held it gently against his chest.

“Mr Tico, your daughter has enchanted me, and I wish to claim her as my own, and make her Duchess of Takodana, Lady of Arkanis and my wife and partner” his eyes blazed the truest blue Rey had ever seen, and there was no air of nonchalance or ennui to the man now. She couldn’t believe the conviction with which he spoke and her heart melted, seeing the hope shining in Rose’s eyes.

“Are you asking me for consent… to marry my daughter?” Mr Tico finally managed, quite turned about by events.

“I will, in the second instance” Hux said, as Mr Tico frowned at the scene before him.

“And in the first?”

“I will ask for her consent” Hux said, turning to Rose, and taking her other hand, clasping them both to his chest. He looked down at her, and Rey saw how they seemed to slip away, enter a place where only the two of them existed.

“Dearest Rose, I ask you humbly to accept my offer of marriage, and consent to warm my lonely days with your smile, and my cynical, jaded heart with your love.” He said softly. Rey felt her own tears fall at his words, so heartfelt, and when Rose smiled at him, a shining light seemed to illuminate them both, as she nodded simply.

The racket in the hall was unbearable, the scandal of the imprudent match already spreading like wildfire. She felt a little overcome by it all, and when she turned, and stumbled, Ben was there. He threaded his arm through hers, and supported her.  
“May I be so bold as to suggest we return to my home on Grosvenor Street for a celebration of the felicitous news? We may depart directly” Ben said loudly, before leading them out of the palace at long last. Mr and Mrs Tico seemed to be in shock, though Mrs Tico was recovering faster, and had hugged Rose, and surprised Hux, by embracing him too. She was more than ready for her daughter to become a Duchess. Catherine fell into step beside Rey and Ben, and Ben offered her his other arm.

“Congratulations are in order! I cannot believe this is all real, it feels more of a fairy tale” Rey sighed to Catherine, and looked around Ben to catch a glimpse of her expression.

“I hope you can forgive Rose, for being absent lately”

“Now I know all, I forgive her completely. I admit, it is hard to keep secrets from Armitage, we know each other too well. Thank goodness Ben decided to rectify this situation with a little well placed honesty.”

“So, your brother knows all? I mean, I assumed as much but-“

“He cares not, only that she was upset and afraid. The thought that she might marry another, or leave London, was enough to spur him into action”

“Did you know his feelings?” Rey asked Ben, glancing up at him.

“I suspected, more than suspected. A man may hide behind words, but his actions seldom lie. I suspected he loved her, when he threw the house party for her. I knew he did, when he punched me quite across the room, when he thought I’d behaved unforgivably”

Ben aimed a grin her way, the kind of smile that had only recently begun to pop up and make itself known to him again. It was a smile from before, and Rey treasured it.

“I wish I had seen that” she muttered, as he squeezed her arm.

 

* * *

 

 

Rey stood in the drawing room of the house on Grosvenor Street, her heart beating hard, a feeling of thick nostalgia flowing through her. She had never thought to see the inside of this house again, and yet, here she stood, in the drawing room no less, with Ben smiling at her across the room, and Wokesly pouring champagne. When he reached her, his eyes flickered to her, and Rey smiled warmly at him.

“Your grace, forgive me for disturbing you” he said quietly, as the rest of the company talked in excitement around them.

“You would never disturb me, and do not call me your grace… “

“It is only proper, and I will not deviate from propriety over much, except to say, how glad I am, to see you” he said, and having filled her glass, gave her the slightest smile, the touch of humour cracking his formal façade only a sliver, before turning away and attending the rest of the guests.

Mr Ticco seemed worn out by the day, Paige, a bundle of excitement, Mrs Tico was clearly relieved and happy, and Rose was glowing.

They sat awkwardly in their hoop skirts, but even that inconvenience could not damper their spirits. Catherine sat nearby Rose, and Rey was relieved to see her taking Rose’s hand, their head bent together as they reunited. Hux was talking to Ben, and had a rare smile on his face.

Ben called for silence after a moment, and proposed a toast. It jolted Rey as she listened to what Rose’s new title would be. The Duchess of Takodana. Rey’s title, when Dopheld was alive. She swallowed hard, reminding herself that it mattered little to her, and in fact, with Rose in her corner, Hux would have less inducement to disinherit her than ever.

The party continued on, and all in attendance drank a little too much, and laughed a little too loudly. After an hour, Mr Tico announced that they should return home. He had drank more than any, and looked more than ready to put the long day behind him, though some of his wife’s excitement had started to enthuse him too. He promised to receive Hux when he called the next day, to go over the finer points of dowry and marital property. Catherine promised that she would see Rey home, with Maz’s dower house only around the corner.

“I meant to thank you, cousin” Hux said, turning to her.

“Thank me?”

“I know that it was your servant who alerted you to trouble concerning Miss Tico, and you yourself, who threw your own reputation into danger, by going to her rescue.” He said earnestly.

“Please, it was the only decent thing to do, whether she was my dearest friend or not” Rey said.

“Not all would regard it as such. I hope Ben did not trouble you overly much, in helping?” he asked, and Rey saw the question in his eyes, a concern that sincerely touched her. She shook her head slowly.

“No, he did not extract more than I wanted to give” she said, and it felt damning to say, and liberating at the same time. It was the truth, and what kind of woman that made her, she decided not to dwell on. She had not lived an ordinary life, it did not seem the time to start now.

“It is not a man’s words but his actions that reveal his feelings… Ben told me such” Hux said, glancing over at his friend and Catherine, conversing easily.

“It sounds foolish now, but I had hoped, maybe, Ben and Catherine would hit it off, one day, so she could be settled…”

“Why would it seem foolish?”

“For, now I see him with you, I realise I’ve never seen him moved by a woman before. There is no substitute for love. Now, onto something more mannered, I wish to tell you that I have no intention of challenging your inheritance, and you may rest easy on that. I will not have you upset about it. My mind is make up on that account” Rey smiled, a true weigh, lifted from her shoulders.

“That is kind, cousin” she said.

“No, it is fair… and I don’t think I should mind having you as a cousin, Rey… and I think my new wife will like it very much, as will my sister. If I can make so many of the women in my life happy, I will be a lucky man” he said, standing to leave.

“Catherine, let us face mother. I am sure she has heard by now”

“Will she be frightfully opposed?” Rey asked Catherine, as they walked to the door.

“Dreadfully so, but Armitage is head of the house, and she cannot really disagree with him overly much, when he sets his mind to something” Catherine said.

“And what of the scandal?” Rey pressed.

“A man as rich and titled as Hux… a love match and a scandalous proposal will only add to their popularity. Rose will find herself sought after company after this. A man like Hux, or Ben, for that matter, can hardly do wrong in the eyes of the haute ton, they will be trend setters, when they do something scandalous, and originals, when they do something mundane. They cannot lose, in this world.”

“Lucky them” Rey said, as she and Catherine exchange a look, full of the hardship of being female, whatever section of society that may be in.

Rey accepted her coat, as Wokesly held it out, and Ben took it from him, and slid it on himself. He leaned forward as he did, whispering in her ear.

“Have I satisfied you in regard to my end of our agreement?” Rey smiled at him.

“You have. Admirably so”

“In that case, I shall visit you later. Leave the door unlocked.” he murmured further, giving over her gloves, and watching her slender fingers slip into the supple fabric. She flushed as his heated eyes travelled over her features, full of forbidden promise. She fought down the instinctive refusal on her lips, and bit it instead, remembering her promise not to refuse him. He smiled, as though he knew the war raging inside her.

“Leave the door unlocked Rey, and I will see you later” he said again, lowly, before Catherine and Hux approached, and they made their way to the street outside.

As they bid their goodbyes, and started away, Rey looked back as they rounded the corner of Grosvenor Street, and saw Ben still standing there watching. She wished she might have stayed, and the thought surprised her.

As she turned the corner, she saw a carriage draw up outside the townhouse, and Ben turned his attention from her, to the newly arrived trap.

It was all she saw, as she turned and followed Hux and Catherine home, and she thought no more of it.

 

* * *

 

 

Ben stared at the carriage that had stopped before the grand entrance to his late mother’s townhouse. It was frighteningly familiar, and he felt as a young boy for a moment, having stood in the very spot, and seen the very same carriage draw up countless times.

The door opened, and a man emerged, and that feeling of nostalgia shattered.

The man was grizzled and old, aged so much more than his mother had looked, when she had passed, all too soon. He wore austere clothes, which were cheap and often mended. His hair was unfashionably long, lying on his shoulders, and his beard was almost unkempt. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs, leaning hard on a cane, and looked up at Ben. His eyes narrowed in a gesture that was heartbreakingly familiar.

“Lord Solo, good of you to receive me in person” he grunted, as he started up the stairs. Ben watched him approach, and after a long moment, stepped aside to allow him entry.

“Uncle” he finally managed, even as he turned and followed him inside.

“Master Skywalker, an honor to receive you” Wokesly said, a genuine smile gracing his face.

“Charles, you are aging far better than me, my friend, and you know you must call me Luke”

“If only I might, Lord Skywalker” Wokesly said, unfailing in his propriety. The exchange allowed Ben some time to gather his scattered thoughts.

“Some tea, please Charles” he said, as he led the way through to the drawing room, his uncle following behind.

“You have kept it as Leia did. It reminds me of her, being in here”

“It is a wonder you have not visited sooner, in that case.” Ben said, his irritation with his uncle and his contrary ways always simmering close to the surface.

“You’ve grown” Luke observed, craning his neck up to peer at Ben, before sitting down presumptuously. Ben swallowed hard, and sat also.

“You are as observant as ever” A servants arrived with tea, and both men watched as their drinks were poured.

“I take it you still do not indulge?”

“No, I have no need to numb myself from life”  
“Still pious then” Ben remarked, gripping his cup hard.

“And you are still wilfully hard-headed it seems” Luke snapped back at him, and Ben was surprised by the reaction. Usually his peaceful uncle was far harder to provoke.

“May I ask what has prompted this impromtou visit, or simply wait for you to deign to tell me” Ben finally said, in the silence that had fallen between them.

“Luke took his time to finish his drink, and then stood. He linked his hands behind his back, and stood at the fire, warming himself.

“Please, at your leisure” Ben said again, feeling his anger rising higher and higher. His uncle had always been tiresome. He liked to think of himself as pious and good to the point of sainthood, but he had been at war, and met Han Solo there. It was through him that his mother and father were even introduced. Han had never commented much on the fact that following the war, Luke had moved into a secluded house, taken to indulging in learning, and study of religion, and other cultures, making his life a shrine to the lessons he derived from it.

Now that Ben had experienced the feeling of wrongness, in invading another country, in seeing it’s people terrified, beliefs that you could not understand and cultural practices that were foreign to you, he could see how curiosity at the world, coupled with the will to right the wrong, of being there in the first place, could consume you. But his mother had taken his absence hard, and Ben had always thought that if Luke had been closer, had visited more, had cared at all about his twin sister, she would have been happier. He had been a good influence on Han, and the happiest times Ben could remember of his childhood, Luke was there. Han was well behaved and attentive, it stopped his wandering, having Luke’s cool, blue gaze on him. After Leia died, and Alderaan House was destroyed, Luke had sent a short missive, and that was all. There was nothing much in the way of affection for the nephew who had been left behind. He did not attend her funeral, or visit at all. The distance between them, had grown wider still.

“I have had a visitor of late, an old friend. She is very concerned and I couldn’t understand why it was me, she was seeking out, except for the most general advice, until she told me of the threat posed to her family.”

“Which is?” Ben asked, settling back to hear what was sure to be a rambling, long winded accusation of something or other.

“You” Luke said, turning to lock Ben into his searing gaze.

“What are you doing with Maz Kanata’s daughter in law?” Luke asked coldly and Ben froze under his words.

“I-“ Ben started, and found his words were lacking, there was no response he could find. He was shocked, at being asked about his private relationship with Rey, by his uncle of all people, his very breath was robbed away. There was a blazing fear, starting in his chest. The feeling that Luke might threaten his access to Rey, that somewhere, wheels were turning that would carry her away from him. That he would be without her, once more, when he had only just breeched her determination to keep him at a distance.

“Can you not account for yourself? Tell me what the hell you are thinking, and what is the meaning of your involvement with the girl??” Luke went on, and Ben suddenly saw again, how his usually placid uncle was extremely agitated. He vibrated with emotion.  

“I owe you no explanation, but since you have troubled yourself to travel here to ask, I care about her.”

“You mustn’t care about her much, if you are leading her into scandal recklessly” Luke accused.

“If I am leading her into scandal it is purposeful” Ben argued back.

“What purpose?”  
“I mean to marry her” Ben said, the words surprising even himself, in their raw and undiluted force and longing. Luke looked at him a long moment, his severe expression softening slightly.

“Then marry her. It is not necessary to ruin her first”

“You do not know the history between us… it is complicated and long, and full of hurt. She will not marry me willingly, not yet” it was silent in the wake of those words, and Luke turned back to the fire.

“I have never known you to take no for an answer… Maz believes you are behaving scandalously with her, bedding her, without honour”

“Perhaps I have none, like my father before me”

“Yet you also have your mother’s influence, Benjamin. And she wouldn’t approve of this” Ben let out a bitter laugh at his uncle’s confidence.

“How will I change her mind then, if I never see her?”

“See her and court her as other suitors do, not into bed, and not in the dark. Win her over with your charm and wit. I know you possess both, though you seemed determined to act to the contrary.”

“You do not understand. There is a well of bitterness and resentment, in my heart, and I cannot take it out. There is a vile venom inside me, and every word I say is poison to her, in every look she sees judgement and manipulation. I wish to tell her my heart, and only cruel command comes out. I wish to ask her how she feels, and I am too afraid to know.”

Ben let out a long, shuddering breath, the thoughts revelations to himself also.

“I seek to bed her, for only with my actions and my body can I convince her. With my body, I can express that which I cannot say, I can forgive and be forgiven, I am honest and free. I hope to win her affection, and at the same time, become worthy of her love.”

 His voice was raw sounding in the last, his honestly burning inside him, leaving him exposed and vulnerable, and he shifted in his chair, feeling uncomfortable. Luke scrubbed a hand down his face, looking suddenly terribly weary.

“I cannot advise you if what you are doing if folly or not, I do not know. I long ago gave up the idea of romantic love. What I do know, is that if you care for the girl, you will attend her now, and waste not one moment more.” Luke said, with a heavy sigh. Ben sat up straighter, wondering what had distressed his uncle so.

“Why?”

“Because, my nephew, I learned that on the journey here, the carriage carrying Mazarine Kanata over turned, and she was killed. Your girl is all alone now, completely.” His words sent Ben to his feet, reeling. Maz killed, Rey alone. She would be bereft, after all she had suffered, all she had lost.  

“No uncle, she is not alone” Ben said, starting toward the door, without a further thought for his unwanted guest.

“Not while I draw breath”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this kind of turned into a Gingerrose/Roux chapter? Am I super shipping them now?! Who knows... but I am for sure shipping this version of them in the story! Hux is being super non conformist for the times, but hey, he's rich and powerful, he likes to get his own way... also historically accurate ;)
> 
> Some happy, and then sad... the next chapter might be a bit rough, but plenty of Reylo (like PLENTY) 
> 
> Feed me comments for writing fuel)) xoxo


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being slow!
> 
> Here is some mega beautiful artwork done for this story by the fabulous and talented Anhedoniapsychee. 
> 
> Here is the original post
> 
> https://anhedoniapsychee.tumblr.com/post/179728456364/reunion-his-hand-was-smooth-in-the-glove-but-she
> 
> And with her permission it is posted at the beginning of the story... beautiful!!

 

_by Anhedonia_

_Inspired by Chapter 13_

 

* * *

 

 

Ben rapped on the door of the late dowager duchess of Takodana’s residence, his heart pounding almost as hard as his fist fell on the hard wood.

There was a long delay, and then, when he was about to pound again, the door opened suddenly.

“My lord?!” Rey’s old servant, Simon, butler come busybody and interfering old grandfather. He looked rattled for once, his usually pristine composure well and truly shaken.

“Where is she?” Ben asked immediately, stepping inside and forcing Simon back. He made little fuss, for once, as he retreated to the hall, his eyes darting to the drawing room. Ben saw the other servants, the little boy, Bobby, and the cook Arte, standing by the closed door. Bobby had tears on his cheeks, and Arte’s face was white with shock. Ben remembered then, what a strangely close household they were, and how these people had likely taken the news as hard, or harder than Rey herself.

“Where is your mistress?” he asked stiffly, approaching them.

“She is within, my lord” Arte said, her hands wringing her apron.

“I will tend to her –you should return to your duties” he instructed.

“She is – not herself” Arte said, clearly torn between leaving Rey to Ben and hoping to prepare him for what he should find.

“I could anticipate as much. You’ve all had a shock. You are dismissed to recover as needed. I can see to myself and your mistress for now” he said, his voice more coaxing and gentle now.

She nodded after a long moment, and turned back toward the kitchens. Little Bobby stood staring up at him, his white, pinched face wet with tears.

“Go on now, lad. Comfort them, they will need you to be strong as well” Ben said softly to him. Bobby nodded, and straightened his spine, pulling himself up to the full of his diminutive height and marching after Simon and Arte.

Ben turned to the drawing room, and opened the door.

Inside, the coachman Finn, was sitting by the fire, wrapped in a blanket, his face dazed and shocked still, his gleaming brown skin marred by an ugly gash to the temple. He was holding Rey’s hand, who was sitting still as stone, staring at the fire. Finn looked relieved to see him, as he entered, casting off his coat and gloves, for once uncaring of the hideous sight of his hands.

“What happened?” he asked the coachman, approaching them.

“It was a sharp bend, the horse was spooked, and bolted. We went down an embankment, and I was thrown from the carriage. It overturned, and didn’t stop until it hit the trees. She was inside, thrown about…” Finn broke off, a silent tear tracing down him cheek. Ben fought the urge to look away, that show of emotion, a strength, he found strangely uncomfortable to behold.

“You should rest, I will call a physician, to check you for injuries” Ben said, taking in the man’s many lacerations and bruises.

“No, my lord, I couldn’t allow that”

“You have no choice in the matter” he said shortly, and then inclined his head toward the door.

“Now, go and rest, you have suffered greatly, and even not being to blame, you will be feeling the responsibility heavily, though you shouldn’t.” He said. Finn shook his head, his tired face bleak.

“Shouldn’t I?”

“Did you spook the horse? Did you aim to flip the carriage? Did you try and kill your mistress?” Ben said bluntly and Finn’s face blanched at the questions.

“Of course not” he muttered.

“So, you see… an accident does not hold blame, only grief” Ben said, and then, not able to wait any longer, turned his attention to Rey. Finn left the room quietly, but Ben barely noticed, all his focus was on the woman sitting like a stone before the fire.

“Rey?” he murmured, approaching. He went to his knee beside her, finally catching a glimpse of her face, pale and distant. Carved from marble. She wasn’t crying, she wasn’t moving. He could barely make out the movement of her breath.

“Sweetheart?” he asked, feeling how far she was, her eyes fixed on another place. Slowly her focus returned, as he touched his hand to hers, feeling like he was reaching between worlds as he did.

“Where is Finn?” she finally said, her voice muted and heavy with some emotion.

“I sent him to rest, and will call a doctor to check his injuries.”

“He feels guilty” she said flatly.

“He shouldn’t”

“I know, he shouldn’t… he is not to blame.” Rey said, and finally moved, turning her head toward him, her eyes no longer empty, but burning with a strong emotion.

“The only person who holds blame in this… is you” she said, the anger in her eyes finally scorching him with its intensity. 

Ben sat back on his heels, her anger a palpable, scorching thing, brushing over his skin, melting his skin from his bone.

“You are to blame” she said again, her gaze was unflinching.

“And how could that be?” he asked, lowly, caught in her wrath.

“She was worried about your intentions, sniffing around, she knew our history, and she worried why you were paying me attention… she wanted to save me from you, find some way to restrain you and your influence.”

“Save you? Like I’m the beast in some macabre fairy tale”

“Aren’t you?” Rey said suddenly. Ben stared at her, trying to calm his pounding blood, his anger and hurt, racing through him. He reached out to touch her hand. She flinched away, and stood.

“Don’t touch me. I give you no permission to touch me” she said stiffly, her hands balling into fists at her sides. He watched her helplessly, as her anger turned her inside out.

“You have given me your full consent, your body, in return for a price that has already been paid” he said, standing to surpass her height.

“Well… I have changed my mind” she said, stepping away from him, her look challenging him.

“If it wasn’t for you, Maz would be here still, and would never have gone off on a fool’s errand, to find someone who might be capable of making you behave like a decent being. You are the reason she died – and I am alone!” she cried, her colour high of her cheeks, and her burning eyes impossibly wide.

“You are not alone… I am here, with you” he said slowly. She laughed, a bitter, hurtful sound.

“In that case, I’d rather be alone” she muttered darkly. He stared at her.

“I suppose you call your ragtag family nothing then, are they not with you?” he asked, and a deeper flush of shame tinted her cheeks.

“Forgot them, did you? In your efforts to goad me, and hurt me, you would forget the very people who were putting you first, despite their own grief” he couldn’t stop himself from saying. His words wounded her, he could tell, but he was angry and afraid, and he couldn’t stop himself.

“I will not participate in your twisted and degrading games any longer.” She said at last, changing the subject smoothly.

“Is that right?” he murmured, a dangerous edge to his tone, as he stepped toward her.

“Yes” she said, her eyes, still dry as could be and her mouth a firm line of anger.

“What makes you think you have a choice?” he said, and she cast a knowing look at him, one full of failed expectation.

“If you touch me, I will scream” she warned.

“Scream away, I might enjoy it” he said, losing all caution.

“I supposed you would… I have no wish to be touched by you, ever again, so leave now, and stay away” she said, her whole body trembling. Her words cut him like glass, stopping his slow advance.

She was frightfully angry, he could see it in every line of her body, in her posture and in the very energy of the room. And yet, there was something else there, simmering under that bubbling surface. Something quite different. Under the fury in her eyes, and hurt, there was a desperation that he felt sure matched his own.

“I should punish you for this insubordination” he said quietly. She scowled at him.

“I bet you would enjoy that” she challenged.

  
“Yes, I rather believe I would, and I would do so… if my heart was not moved by the loss you have suffered.”

“Your heart? I thought you no longer possessed one” she said, stepping forward then, and grabbing his arm, surprising him with her strength.

“I thought you were a monster? A creature of the dark? Not some sentimental-“

“Enough or my good will ends now” he warned, as she hung on his arm, her furious eyes burning into him.

“So? Let it end and be the man you claim” the goading words slide inside him, and caught on something there, shattering the last of his reserve.

 “I do not know what you are asking me for… I can only imagine my absence will soothe you, as my company is so loathsome to endure. I find myself disinclined to add to your hardships today” he said quietly, a soft murmur, even while his heart ached from her words. What more could he expect? He had warned her of his cruelty, and used leverage over her to gain her acceptance of him. He was all she accused him off. She looked so alone and small there, standing in the middle of them room, eyes down cast, pale and slight.

He hated to leave her there in that state, alone. So, terribly alone.

“Yes, you should go now… it is better. Then I won’t get used to your presence… and I can be at peace, once more” Rey murmured suddenly, colour flaring on her cheeks as she stared at the carpet before his feet.

“Give up, why not?” she muttered, a small, barely consequential murmur, but it stopped Ben’s heart a moment. Now she stared at the fire, not watching him go, as if the sight of one more person leaving her was too much to bear.

“Rey? Do you wish me to stay?” he tried, his mind confounded by the complexity of her emotion. She continued to hide her face from him.

“What do you want from me, Rey?” he asked hollowly.

“Nothing, I don’t want anything from you…”

“Very well, what do you need from me, then?” he said, and watched Rey swallow hard, still stubbornly refusing to meet his eye.

“Have you wept for the loss of the woman who you felt was a mother to you?” he asked suddenly, and Rey flushed deeper.

“Have you allowed yourself to feel her loss?”

“Do not try to tell me how to feel” she said, an ugly tone twisting her voice.

Suddenly, she was a flurry of movement, rushing forward, and Ben braced himself, seeing her intention in her eyes. She reached him quickly, pounded on his chest, both hands clenched into fists.

“Just leave… get out of here… leave now… why wait? I’d rather you left now, all at once.”

“Like Mazarine? Like your husband?” he guessed softly. She reared back and fixed him with a searing look.

“Everyone I have ever loved has left me. Except you… I suppose that will be your punishment… to finally go, just when you have returned.” she said, with a bitter laugh.

The phrase staggered Ben, its implications, the hurt and the hope that were held in the words. She put her hands to his chest and pushed him again.

She needed something from him, she was burning with pain, overwhelmed, without a hope of shedding the mantle of panic and grief. Not without help.

He caught her hands by the wrists, as her arms started to tire of pushing him, an immoveable force, and her feverish face turned tormented.

“I do not mean to leave, and will not do so without your order to. That will never be my punishment.” He said quietly. Her eyes jumped to his, a shiver of fear, a touch of anticipation and something else, more than anything else… relief.

“I am afraid my punishment is more severe, and will no doubt end in your tears. I am sorry to cause you pain, but there is no alternative.”

“What are you going to do?” she asked, stepping back, though he held her hands tightly, and she could not move much.

“I am going to strike you, ten times at least, more if you disobey me.” He stated starkly, and waited to see if his prediction was correct. If she was asking him for something she had no words to describe. A release.

She stared at him, her eyes finally finding his and staying there.

“Will you submit to the punishment I see fit to bestow?” he asked, his heart beating a little faster as she stared at him. He felt he was asking much more than those simple words. He was asking for her trust and her acceptance of him.

“If I don’t?” she murmured.

“I will leave you to your grief, for now, and intrude no more upon private matters, until you ask for me, if you do.” he said stiffly, again, simple words hiding deeper meaning.

He could no more have her against her will than he could tear his own heart from his chest. He was once again powerless before her, as he had in truth, always been.  

She stared at him so long he wondered if she would answer at all, her hands curling into fists and releasing, only to curl again immediately after. He took her silence for horror at his proposition, her words to reprimand him and his vile inclinations all spent, and thought to lessen the burden for her. He nodded gently, and took a step toward the door. Rey mirrored his movement, her eyes flashing alive with something.

“I will accept your punishment. I will submit to you” She said quickly, a flush working over her smooth cheeks. The tension in the room suddenly changed, becoming charged with another kind of energy.

“Are you certain?” he asked, afraid to ask, but unable not to.

“I am” she said, more firmly this time. Her chin rose an inch, as she stared him down, and he knew that expression. He knew her. That expression was resolution, a mind made up far more stubborn than his own.

He turned and walked over to the settee, and sat, after stripping off his coat. He slowly rolled the sleeves of his shirt up to the elbow, and Rey watched him transfixed. Her gaze lingered on his muscled forearms, and he noted that her hands had stopped their wretched clenching.

“Come here to me” he commanded, settling back, his palms resting atop his thighs, and waited for her to come. She came without hesitation.

“Stand before me” he said, natural authority ringing in his tone. His dark eyes were intent upon her, as she moved before him, her skirts brushing his knees.

“Look at me” When she did not move her head from its bowed position, he leaned forward and caught her hands, tugging her forward until she was bent toward him and her eyes finally flickered to his face.

“If you disobey my instruction, I will add an extra strike for each infraction. Tell me why you are being punished?” he said, letting her hands go, and she straightened immediately, but did not move her eyes from his.

“Because you are a tyrant and a bully” she said, a little of her usual fire sparking in her eyes for a moment. He waited.

“Try again”

“Because I attempted to renege on our agreement, once I was satisfied it had achieved the outcome I desired.” She said at last.

“Is that all?” he said quietly, and when she failed to answer, nodded shortly.

“It shall suffice, to begin with.”

He reached out and gripped her wrist.

“If this punishment should prove too much to bear, you hold the power to stop it immediately. Tell me to stop if you approach your limit” he advised, before pulling her across him. She landed lightly, already anticipating him, and he pulled her into place, across his knee, her head resting on a pillow below his left arm, and her knees together on the settee.

“Tell me you have understood” he commanded, his hands going to the hem of her skirt, and he pulled it up. When she failed to respond, he let his hand fall lightly, a playful imitation of what was to come, and she jerked under his touch.

“I understand” she said, her voice muffled by the cushion. He pulled her skirts up, exposed her slender legs, encased in creamy stockings, and belted with garters above the knee. He pulled higher still, and bared her under things, laying her skirts in a swath of fabric over her lower back.

His hands went to her drawers, and carefully he pulled them down. He had thought she might have protested or squirmed, given him any sign of her limits or feelings, but there was no movement. She was purposefully still. Waiting. It was sign enough of her feelings, in its own way.

Her backside was beyond beautiful, firm round globes of creamy flesh, that he longed to caress gently, and lean forward and kiss, trail his lips across the untouched cheeks, and into the cleft between them, yet he did nothing. This punishment was no game, it was not a teasing prelude to intimacy. Rey needed permission to let her emotions go, she needed a release, and he was going to give her one.

She was tight with anticipation, the very air around her seemed to be waiting. He rested his hand gently on her, and then, raised it, and swiftly brought it down. The cracking sound was sudden and jarring in the silence that had proceeded it. Rey’s whole body jerked on top of him. He raised his hand again, and brought it down hard on the other side, and heard Rey let out a long, pained sigh. Her skin was already warming to a pink colour where he had struck her, and he stared at it, the sight shocking him. What kind of monster was he, that he would beat a grieving woman, a woman he proclaimed to care for, instead of offering her comfort? His heart twisted in his chest, recrimation and doubt about to crash down on him, when Rey turned her head toward him, her eyes meeting his.

“That was but two…” she said softly, before turning her head away, and seeming to brace herself. She needed this from him, and it was as much a punishment for him as for her, he realised as he raised his hand, and brought it down again, a little harder, and Rey gasped. The other side, harder, his heavy hand starting to sting with the impact. It was three more strikes before he heard Rey’s breath stutter, her gasps softly turning to sobs. The skin was red now, angry looking. He couldn’t help himself from rubbing a soothing circle over it.

“Why do you wish to be hurt?” he asked.

“Answer me, or your punishment will increase” he warned, and struck her bared bottom again. A ragged sob fell from her mouth.

“Because – I deserve it… I deserve to be hurt… I did not keep her safe… I stood idly by” she whispered, a confession that sent the skin on his body prickling. He stared down at her, her rage and pain so clear. He saw then, that torrent flowing under the surface. Sadness and guilt, a deep, endless well.

“It’s not your fault, Rey. She wouldn’t blame you”

“You didn’t even know her” Rey challenged back, and there was a hint of panic in her voice.

“No, but I know you” he said. Rey continued to cry softly.

“Four more remain” he stated, more calm now he recognised her emotions. Guilt and self-hatred were things he was familiar with.

“Brace yourself, my love” he said, and brought his hand down hard on her sensitive flesh. She jerked harder than before, and her sobs grew in pitch.

He carried out the final strikes, her hands were now clenched into claws on the pillow under her head, and her tears were flowing true. Like a dam bursting, her grief poured from her. The wall of shock and distance truly broken.

He carefully pulled her drawers up, and then tugged her skirts down. He smoothed them over her, as she cried, loud and rasping cries. Then, he pulled her up. She was limp as a rag doll and made no move to fight him as he pulled her onto his knee, and against his body, cradling her in his arms. She buried her face into his chest, her whole body trembling with emotion, her hands curling into his shirt. Her face was red and distorted, her eyes bloodshot with tears, and her nose running freely. He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket, and pressed it into her hand. She swiped clumsily at the tears as they ran down her cheeks and into her mouth, flooding her tongue with salt. He took it back from her, and ran it gently under her eyes, before wiping under her nose. He tucked it back into her hand, and then pulled her head securely against him, propping his chin on top, and wrapped both arms around her.

He was no caregiver, it wasn’t natural to him, and yet, holding Rey, he found himself swaying instinctively, found his hands rubbing comforting circles on her back. One circle told her – you are not alone, a second circle – I am with you, another – there is no measure of grief that could send me away. He felt a rumble in his chest, and realised, in this reactive and instinctive state, he had started humming. The soundless rumbling hum that Rey herself had always done.

He knew not how long she cried, hours might have passed in that state of woe, all knowledge of time was lost to them. Gradually, bit by bit, her body stopped shaking, and melted against him. Tired muscles rested, and even her head grew heavy. He continued to rub circles on her back, and sway, holding her like a child, giving comfort in the only way he knew, in the only way he could remember. The way he had learned from her.

He became aware that the day light had passed, and evening had fallen. The room had grown dark, without anyone entering to light the candles, only the fire lit the space, burning low. He shifted slightly, realising that he had long since stopped feeling his legs, her slight weight becoming more burdensome over time. As he moved, her fingers dug harder into his shirt, and she murmured a protest, he stilled immediately.

He felt something inside himself unfurl in that moment of intimacy. A spark of hope ignited. Perhaps the man who could be loving and caring, who could comfort and protect, was not as gone, as he had feared. Perhaps he had something of substance to offer Rey, after all. Maybe the part of his soul he had lost to her had remain intact, even as the rest of him had burned in the fire of war, and being reunited with her, loving her, could restore it. Perhaps she had not stolen it, so much as kept it safe, all these years. Maybe from that tiny piece, more would grow, like seeds in fertile ground.

He glanced down at her face, and found her temple had finally smoothed, her eyes closed. She was asleep.  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dom Ben is coming out guys... next chapter is already good to go... just wanted to spilt them and not overload you all with too much 'female presenting nipples' I mean porn - lol, sorry, couldn't resist.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: There is mature content in this chapter. If you are not a fan of bodice ripping or dark themes, please look away now!

 Rey rose from a sound sleep like surfacing from deep underwater. As though all sounds and light were muffled and distant, she rose steadily through layers of consciousness, before bursting through. Early morning light fell through the window, and the soft murmur of voices fell into sharp relief, after her dreamlike awakening. She blinked around her, recognising the curtains of her canopy bed, pristine pink and white, and the hand painted wallpaper of her own bedroom.

The sound of her door shutting pulled her attention, and she shifted to see. Moving her head felt like moving bricks, and an ache formed in her neck and shoulders. Her face felt swollen, and when she moved, a dull ache moved through her backside. She flushed, immediately recalling the previous afternoon, and as she did, all came crashing back to her. Her body locked up in pain, the remembrance of Maz flashing through her, stealing her breath away. 

“You’re awake” Ben’s voice sent embarrassment through her.

She had been out of her mind the previous day, and he had seen it. She had ranted and railed at him, her heart flopping between hatred and love, despair and guilt. She had practically asked him to beat her, she remembered with horror, the way she had reminded him to continue, even after she had felt the pain. She had welcomed it, and it had worked. She had been lost inside herself, locked in the prison of disbelief and blame, unable to find the key to escape. Ben, in all his commanding glory had offered to take away her control, to take the burden of her responsibility from her for a moment, and what shamed her the most… it had been a sweet relief. She had felt the weight of expectation lift from her. The burden of being the provider for the household, the weight of other’s expectations, society’s scrutiny, the bearer of the Kanata’s great legacy. Ben had taken it all from her, and burst through the wall of numbness she had been locked inside. She had been remote and distant, and he had made her feel again. She felt embarrassed, and yet, it was not as strong as she would have expected. Perhaps the broken parts of her fit well, with the broken parts of Ben. She knew, in her heart, he would not judge her for it.

“No… I’m not” she said finally, her voice muffled by the pillow she hid her face in. His weight settled near her head, dipping the bed down.

“You are remarkably coherent for someone asleep, in that case. How are you feeling?” he asked, and Rey risked a glance out at him. He was rumpled looking, as though he had slept little, his jaw lined with whiskers. But his eyes were soft, as he watched her. A tear welled in her eye, as she attempted to find an answer to his question. That was answer enough apparently, as he nodded, and wiped that lone tear away.  
“Well, you must eat something and drink as well. After that, you may feel as you feel. It will get better, in time.” He said. She shook her head.

“Not this time, I don’t think it will” she disagreed.

“All wounds heal” he said, raising a hand to rest gently on her forehead. His thumbs smoothed the lines there. She wondered at his tenderness, and her own responding trust. She wondered where their walls were disappearing to.

“Why are you still here?” she asked after a moment.

“I told you I wouldn’t leave you. I meant it” he said, rubbing a hand over his face.

“You haven’t slept”

“That chair is ill suited for rest, or comfort of any kind” he muttered. She looked to the hard-backed chair in the corner, the smallest upturn of her lips betraying how entertaining she found the image of Ben’s oversized frame trying to get comfortable on the awkward shape. She sobered, as she realised he had done that instead of lying beside her, when there was more than enough bed to share. That kindness tugged at her heart, the wound of Maz’s loss too fresh to stay closed, and she felt tears start to fall again, her chest shaking with sadness. She turned her face into the pillow, as Ben’s fingers moved to her hair, and stroked it.

There were no words to be said, nothing that could placate her. He simply stayed with her, so she wasn’t alone. Gradually the tears dulled, tapering off into hiccupping and gradually, calming.

“You must try to eat…”

“I have no hunger”

“Regardless, you will eat. Your body must stay strong for your spirit to recover” he said, and his tone brooked no argument. Moving away he carried over a plate of porridge. Rey sat up, noting that she was now clad in her night gown, without memory of changing. She gave him a hard look.

“I have no need to look upon you while you are upset and asleep. I intend on you being very much awake when I remove your clothes” he said, settling the tray on her lap.

She took a large bit of cold porridge and forced it down. Eating to survive was not a new concept for her, and she forced herself through half of the unappetising mess.

“Satisfied?” she asked, as she held the plate out to Ben, who was watching her intently.

“Rarely” he murmured, rubbing his hand over his face again, his brown eyes tired.

“If you are so tired, you should rest” she said flatly, as he removed the tray.

“I have had quite enough of that chair to last me, I think” he said with grim humour.

“Well, lie down then” she said carelessly. He stilled in the process of setting down her tray. “I mean – you are weary, and there is plenty room…” she said, her heart suddenly beating harder. He continued to stand bent over her bureau for a long moment, before finally finishing the action, and setting down her breakfast tray, and turning around to look at her. She held his gaze before dropping it.

“I assume there are guest rooms in this house” he offered, and in the silence following his words, Rey felt tears well up again, to her embarrassment. She didn’t want him to leave, she realised, she desperately didn’t want to be as alone as she felt. He pushed from the bureau and stepped toward the door.

“I – I meant stay here. There is plenty space” she said, red heating her cheeks. Ben stopped again, and stared at her, as though he was trying to solve an impossible puzzle.

“Do what you will.” Rey said finally, embarrassed by his overly searching gaze. She turned and snuggled further down into the covers, turning her back to Ben, and the empty space beside her. She curled herself into a ball, and closed her tired eyes. She was so tired, a deep and bottomless fatigue tugging at her.

She started to drift away, losing sense of what he might be doing, until she felt the bed dip by her. He settled his weight gently onto the other side, as though afraid she might have already been asleep, and unwilling to disturb her. As he settled back, she felt his hand come up to pull the covers tighter around her. Something inside her eased, as she fell asleep to the sound of Ben’s breathing, and the faint awareness of his warmth by her back.

 

* * *

 

 

The sound of rapid breathing woke her. The room had grown dark again. She wondered if she had slept all day, even as a rough panting filled the air. She turned to look behind her, remembering all at once that Ben was there. The sheets were ruched and pulled up around him. He had taken his shirt off, and his bare chest was veiled in sweat, his dark hair sticking to his neck. She turned around and rested on her elbow above him. His eyes were closed but moving rapidly, slivers of white showing now and again. He grunted, flinching back, as though he had been struck. He was mumbling lowly, under his breath. She couldn’t make it out, but the pain in his voice was clear.

“Ben” she whispered, to no avail.

“You are dreaming” she tried again, but he seemed too far in the clutches of his nightmare to hear her. She hesitantly placed her hand on his chest. There was a long moment of stillness, between one heartbeat and the next, and then, his eyes sprung open, full of rage and fear, and his hands came up to grab her. They closed like vices of her upper arms, and pushed her down, hard into the mattress. He was atop her, heavy and full of deadly intent. His forearm came down over her throat, silencing her, so she might not even appeal to him, call out his name and break his stupor. He was still breathing heavily, and the harsh rasp filled the arm. Rey felt the air in her chest burning a little. She tried to wiggle out his grip but it was impossible. Instead, she brought her hands up to cup his face. She ran her fingers along his cheeks, and down to his jaw. The strength in his forearm waned a fraction, and she sucked a breath in, gulping down the air with relief. His face was pressed into the crook of her neck, and she felt his hot breath washing over her skin. It felt like it was scorching her. His body, laying between her legs, was an uncomfortable but intriguing weight.

“Ben” she managed to gasp out. His lips brushed the sensitive skin of her neck, as he whispered her name in return.

“Rey?” his lips returned to brush a second time, and a third, the feeling making her whole body prickle with heat. He jerked his hips then, cradled between hers, and she gasped at the movement, his masculine hardness impossible to ignore. He jerked against her once more, the long length of him rubbing against her in a way that made her pant, and squirm around under, hoping to imitate the feeling. She felt his tongue, hot and wet, lick a strip up her neck, as her hands, now freed, slid into his hair, and tugged gently. He made a noise, almost a growl.

“Are you a nightmare or a dream?” he murmured against her skin. She recalled the last time he had asked her that question, in Takodana, and it made her spent eyes feel moist once more. So much time apart, so much hurt and emptiness, and yet, she had learned little. She still hungered for him, as she always had. His lips closed on her ear, tugging with sharp teeth, and the sudden shot of pain was strangely delicious, amid the warm pleasure, making her sigh. He leaned away from her suddenly, his hips pushing harder against her, as he leaned up to see her face. His own was shadowed, the remnants of his nightmares still so close. The ghosts that chased him in the night were not easy to evade.

“I dream I am there still, in the mountains, in the snow… it’s always snowing, falling on the men around me, until I can’t see anyone else, and there are no tracks to follow. I am alone there, they have left me behind, and I do not know the way home. I am lost, forever, and I will die there, alone and forgotten…” he said quietly. Rey did not know how to respond to the resounding desolation in Ben’s voice, didn’t know how to breach that terrible remoteness in his eyes.

“And then, you are here, beneath me, and all around me, warm as the sun, and still so bright… inside me, how can this be real? And the mountain just a memory? I don’t think I’ve woken in a long time, and now, here with you, I no longer wish to” he said, lowering his mouth to hers, and kissing her.

His kiss started slowly, and built to a bruising pace. His hands moved to her shoulders, down to her chest, over her breasts and waist, as his hips pushed against her in an insistent rhythm. The onslaught of feeling was too much. She was overwhelmed and overly sensitive. Ben was murmuring her name softly, between his punishing kisses, and when she tried to cradle his face, to calm his agitation, he responded by tugging her hands over her head and pining both her wrists there, with one large hand, as the other continued to roam her body. She arched under his rough touch. Blunt fingers pinching her nipples and squeezing her breasts, a firm touch turning her face to the side, so he might suck the delicate skin under her jaw, all the while, his lithe hips grinding her into the bed, making her buck and writhe, reaching toward that elusive place where pleasure might burst open and flood her.  He bit down on her collarbone, making her gasp, as he whispered to her.

“You are mine Rey, and you will not deny it again. Our agreement is nothing in the face of our history” His free hand was pulling up her gown, she could feel it inching up her thighs, which were trembling at the prospect of being naked, with him between her legs.

“This feeling between us is no ordinary thing. You will not deny me again… say it” he said quietly, as his hands found her flesh, hot against the thin fabric of her drawers. He barely paused before slipping his hand inside, his skin stroking her inner thighs, sorting through the curls of her womanhood, his fingers sliding up and down the length of her slit. She could feel how warm she was there, a wetness that seemed obscene, coated Ben’s fingers, though he seemed by pleased by it, withdrawing his hand to taste her, his eyes darkening impossibly.

“Say you are mine” he urged, as his hand returned under the cover, and straight for her exposed skin, her drawers trapping her knees, his other hand still holding her wrists tightly above her. She was pinned and helpless, and the feeling was impossibly sensual. Holding her captive beneath him, he worked his fingers between her legs. Once again wetting his fingers in her arousal, he slid on long, thick finger inside her, crushing his mouth to hers to catch her gasp. His finger reached deep inside, but not deep enough, and Rey found her hips pushing down on him, asking for more, for a feeling she had no idea of.

“Do you wish for something, sweetheart?” he murmured, trailing kisses down her throat. She mumbled her wishes, as his finger started to move in and out of her, maddeningly slow.

“Tell me what, and it will be yours…” he said further, as his thumb reached to circle the top of her.

“More – I want more” she finally breathed, her face flushing from embarrassment at her brazen words. He chuckled darkly, a rich, warm sound.

“You shall have everything you want… just tell me you are mine, and you shall have it all” he promised, as she raised her hips of the bed in an effort to force his finger deeper inside, harder, something more than the frustrating teasing he was torturing her with.

“More Ben” she demanded, bucking her hips again, her agitation creeping into her voice. He chuckled again and the sounds sent heat and yet more anger through her.

“Capitulate” he said, his finger picking up speed for a moment, pumping hard into her, making her eyes roll back and toes curl, before slowing back to that maddening teasing pace. He pulled almost completely free, and a cry of protest fell from her mouth as she strained to look down. Then she felt the tip of a second, blunt finger end brush over her swollen flesh, and stilled completely. His second finger slowly crept along his first, gently squeezing into her tightness, until it sat flush with the other, buried to the hilt inside her. The fullness was thrilling, and closer to what she longed for, yet still, not enough. He started to move both fingers, and the sensation was so much stronger, her back arched, thrusting his breasts up at Ben’s face, as he leaned over her, his eyes raptly watching her every move. He swore lowly under his breath, his face almost pained for a moment.

“Rey tell me that you are mine NOW” he growled to her, as she finally met his eyes.

“I am yours, and only yours, and I always have been... as you are mine” she said, the words bursting forth, unable to be contained any longer, for they were the truth after all. Her sincerity seemed to shock him a moment, a soft expression fleetingly passed over his lust ridden face. There was a tenderness to his gaze as he smiled at her, and pressed almost a chaste kiss to her lips, considering where his other hand was, and released her wrists, so she might pull him closer. She wound her fingers into his hair, as he pulled her drawers down, and she kicked them off. He cast the covers to the side, and tugged her night shift off and tossed it careless away. Her hands plucked at the laces of his breeches, unfamiliar with the fastening, and he took over, pulling them expertly open, and then, stood to kick them off.

Naked, standing along side her, he was a marble hewn statue of male perfection. Granted she had little to compare it to, but the long, shapely muscles of his body and straining length of him, jutting out at an angle from his body, were an almost frightening image, in their restrained power and absolute otherness, from the soft warm places of her own naked form.

He climbed atop her again, as she reached for him. As his weight shifted, pining her down, she welcomed the searing of his bare flesh on hers, his hungry hands and searching lips, closing over hers. His hands urged her legs apart, spreading her wide, and she felt a momentary spark of fear break through the haze of pleasure and desire inside her. He must have caught that look, for he cradled her face and murmured.

“Have you taken precautions?” he asked, misinterpreting her worry. She shook her head, and he stilled immediately. He was going to cease, she could feel it, and some primitive urge inside her grabbed hold of him, and held him fast.

“No, Ben – please” she said, unsure still what she was asking for, only that in the last moments with him, overwhelmed by desire, her heart had stopped bleeding for a moment, and she felt free and uninhibited, after the devastating news of yesterday, where it seemed she would never feel unburdened again.

“I wish to stop thinking… to stop feeling so wretched… please, make me feel – something else” she said quietly. He shuddered above her, his eyes worried, as his body remained dedicated to its intent.

“When are your next courses?” he asked finally, a rough tone entering his voice. His question startled an honest response from her.

“Mere days time from now” she said, and he seemed to consider it, and find a resolution. He nodded shortly, and then, his elbows pinned her arms to her sides, his face brushed a searing kiss to her lips, as his hips urges her legs to spread wider still, and he pushed inside her.

It was tight, he hissed at the vice-like grip of her, as she gasped, partly pleasure, partly pain at the foreign intrusion. Giving shallow thrusts to ease his passage, he pushed in more deeply, gripping her hips, and pulling her more firmly against him.

It hurt. Rey twisted her face from his as she sought to hide her reaction. He must have felt her body tense, for, even as he was pushing inside, he leaned away to see her face, looking for the reason her body had grown rigid.

“Rey?” he murmured, and made to withdraw. Rey panicked, that she had come this far, only to end on such an undignified note. It hurt, but it also healed, and to be joined with Ben, felt like he was taking her very heart from her withered chest and breathing life back into it. She put her hands around his back, and pulled his tightly against her desperately. A tear slipped from her eye. Ben watched it trace down her cheek, a strange expression twisting his features.

“Are you – thinking of him?” he asked suddenly, the question so far from the truth, she couldn’t comprehend it. Ben was looking at her with a longing and desire that stole her breath away, and now, jealousy and hurt. She shook her head, and yet, more tears came unbidden. Ben’s expression hardened to granite, as his fingers caught the tears under her eyes and wiped them from her. He thrust shallowly in, a sharp movement, making her gasp. His hands then moved from her face to her neck, and circled the slender column.

“You tell me you are mine, and yet, you cry tears for a dead man, while I am inside you” he growled, his hands tightening on her throat, and she couldn’t tear her eyes from the possession and rage in his eyes. He was kneeling now, her body splayed helplessly before his, as his hips worked in and out, pushing into her, a little deeper each time, his hands still trapping her breath.

“I will make you forget all others… until being apart from me makes you go mad…” he said with a growl, and raising his hips, slammed, finally, to the hilt. The sudden splitting intrusion made Rey’s mind blank with shock for a moment, registering the pain there, the unfamiliar stretch, the sheer strangeness of the feeling.

“That way… we might finally be even” Ben was saying, his low voice now a rough whisper, as he started to move. He moved hard into her, sinking deep each time, pulling almost completely free before pounding back home.

“I will teach your body to react only to me, to hunger for my touch and feel empty without me inside you. I will command your pleasure, and you may have none without my approval.” He was saying over her, though she barely heard it, so lost in understanding the feelings inside of her. The pain was less now, far less than before, though not completely gone. Ben’s hands had loosened from her neck, and now, he pulled himself completely free of her, and turned her suddenly over. Her breath shot from her body as she landed prone, face down on the bed, and without pause, he was behind her, sliding back into her wet warmth. His large hand gathered hers together, holding them at the small of her back, the other going to her hair, and gathering it, pulling her head up from the bed slightly.

He slid in and out of her with a pained groan, his face near hers, his mouth brushing against her ear.

“You are mine Rey, and each time you fight it, this is where you will end up, where I will show you, again and again, who this body belongs to” he said in rough pants. Rey felt the strange building of pressure inside her, as she had before. The pain was gone, in this new position, and all that remained were flickers of pleasure, that were rapidly being fanned into a bonfire inside her. She couldn’t move, couldn’t fight it, and the knowledge of it made her melt further into the bed.  

After a moment, Ben let go of her hands, and leaned up from her, she missed the warmth of him against her back immediately. His thrusts were becoming erratic and strained, his breath out of control. He slipped one hand around her hip, his long fingers wiggling into position to circle the place of pleasure at the apex of her thighs, finding it unerringly, even hidden within her modest curls. His other hand went to the back of her neck, and forced her flat to the bed, her cheek cushioned by the soft mattress.

“Now, my love, I am going to give you the release you desire. You cannot fight it, so do not attempt to… remember that your pleasure and your body is mine to command… so cede your will to me” he said, settling into a punishing rhythm. The room was filled with obscene noises, wet and sucking, slapping and panting. The building pressure inside Rey was almost excruciating, and she attempted to wiggle away from it, almost fearing the sensation at its end.

“Trust me” Ben demanded, as her muscles began to spasm. The pleasure burst inside her like ripe fruit on her tongue, sweet and sudden, filling her with a liquid fire that seemed to melt her bones. Ben roared her name as he found his own end, her untested muscles clamping down on him relentlessly hard, drawing everything forth from him, not allowing him to leave, before her own pleasure had abated. She could feel him pulsing inside her, adding to the hot liquid feeling with his own seed. His hands had moved now to her bottom, where they gripped handfuls of flesh, before rubbing slow circles there, as his body stopped straining, and all his strength seemed to flow out of him.

Rey groaned as he slid from her, feeling their shared fluids coating the tops of her thighs. She felt thoroughly debauched and wanton, and more unburden than she had in a long time. The grief of Maz was still there, of course, and yet, it was somewhat dulled by the feeling of heavy relaxation and pleasure still flowing through her. She felt Ben settle by her head, and his hand descend on her hair, lose from its bindings and trailing down her back. He combed his fingers through it, and she closed her eyes, sure that she might fall asleep, and sleep more peacefully than she could remember just then, despite her state. She turned her head to see him, finding him looking equally as relaxed, watching his hands trail strands of hair over her back. He met her eye and gave her a long look.

"You are - breathtaking. It is more affecting than I had imagined, this thing, between us. Tell me... do you feel it too?" he asked at last. Rey had no need to even consider his words, for they perfectly fit with the feeling inside her. She nodded lazily. 

"I do" Ben seemed to let out a breath of relief at her answer, all tension melting from his frame. 

“So, we understand each other in regards to our relationship?” he asked. He was so stubbornly fixated on ensuring that she would be compliant and agreeable in the future, he failed to see how he was overlooking their time at present, Rey thought irritably. It felt a momentous moment for her, yet, of course, Ben had no idea of that.

“If I said no, what would you do?”

“I would demonstrate as many times as necessary to make you realise what your body has already accepted”

“Which is?” she asked.

“That you are mine, body and soul. The beast has taken his sweet beauty, and she will never escape him again” Ben muttered, as he slid to the edge of the bed, and put his feet to the floor. He stood and went to the pitcher of water on the nightstand, and stilled suddenly. Even in the hazy pre-dawn light, she could make out the stiffening of his massive shoulders, and tension coiling up the line of his back. He turned around, still naked and unashamed of it, though Rey averted her eyes, her reserve already creeping back.

“Rey… do you have something to tell me?” he said lowly, and a thrill of warning shot through her. She pushed herself up a little on the bed, and pulled the sheet over her, from where it had collected at the side. Ben strode toward her, his naked from still intimidating, even spent as it was, and Rey worked hard not to look lower than his face.

“No… I won’t be pledging you my soul, if that is what you are waiting for” she said, as he reached her, and his hand pulled away the sheet. She cringed a little at the sudden exposure, before forcing herself to sit up straighter, and look down at him, finding it difficult seeing as he was looming over her.

“What is it?” she snapped uncomfortably.

His eyes were trained on the sheet below her, and with mounting dread, she followed his gaze.

Blood dotted the snowy white linens, and the tops of her thighs. Her maidenhead, unknowingly taken, the proof of which was too obvious to ignore.

“Sweetheart, I think there is a conversation to be had… regarding your marriage” he murmured.

Rey stared at him, her mind choked with panicked thoughts. She didn’t want to reveal the secrets of her relationship with Dopheld, it felt like a betrayal. She had loved him after all, just not in the same way she loved Ben. She didn’t want him to have such damning knowledge about her, despite Hux’s assurances that he wouldn’t challenge her dower, would the knowledge not change his mind? What would Maz think, that she had let Ben find out that her son and his wife had not known each other? The emotion of it overwhelmed her, and the thought of Maz was the crowning weight on her fragile peace, and she burst promptly into tears.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it the best timing? No, but I never claimed that this Ben was a good guy, plus, people do stranger things in times of grief, to remind themselves of their own mortality, to stop feeling alone.
> 
> Is it a candles and flower petals first time? No, but Ben doesn't know this is Rey's first time.
> 
> Is he annoying to get jealous when he does? Yes, but I never claimed this Ben was a good guy.
> 
> Is it rough and possessive? Yes, because that is exactly the type of guy I said this Ben would be.


	27. Chapter 27

 Steam curled off the bath that had been set up in the dressing room, and servants from the Solo house on Grosvenor Street milled about, efficiently filling it, as Rey sat in the window seat and watched. She didn’t know any of them anymore, and had not seen one she recognised, and was grateful for that. She didn’t want to lord her elevated position over them, those people who had first known her as a child, pulling herself up to become part of Alderaan House. Arte, Simon, Finn and Bobby had been temporarily relieved of their duties, and were resting. She would join them later in the drawing room, once she was cleaned of the evidence of her loss of virtue.

Her mouth tightened into a line, as the door opened, and Ben stepped in. Clad entirely in his customary black, and restored to all order, he was as dashing and imposing as ever. The housemaids fluttered around him, as he approached her. She had not seen him since her crying jag, and his subsequent departure, after tucking her into bed. The servants had arrived under his orders, and her house had been quite turned upside down as they settled in. 

“Master” they bobbed, with quick glances at each other, small, scandalised smiles playing around their lips, as they left the room hurriedly.

“Is there to be no refuge from you? Will you not even give me the privacy of bathing without your – attentions?” she snapped, embarrassed by the last time they had been alone together.

In the space of only a few days, she had cried in his arms and sought comfort from a self-professed monster and she had given her virtue to him, willingly and wantonly. Worst still, she could not quite dismiss the very act from her mind. Her body seemed to hunger for it all the more now, that it knew its potency. The worst of all was the new intimacy forged between them. There was nowhere his eyes might not see within her anymore, she had been laid bare.

Ben was staring at her, his lips gently parted, his eyes fond, and she crossed her arms and scowled at him. He seemed determined to ignore how unorthodox this behaviour was. Dismissing her servants, bringing in his own to lighten the load. A part of her was greatly relieved of the burden of caring for so many, tired of being the strong one, upon whom everyone else depended. The other part that had been independent for so long writhed against his natural authority and the way he easily fulfilled the role of master to her household as well.

Ben snapped out of his reverie, the sight of Rey, dressed only in a gauzy white robe, her hair unbound and falling around her shoulders had stunned him into silence. The fire caused a soft silhouette to shine through her modest wrapper, changing her virginal gown into something far more enticing. He dragged his eyes to hers as the maids entered again, arranging oils and soaps for bathing as well as towels.  

 “Leave us” he instructed, and the maids left the room, closing the door behind them. Rey removed her wrapper and sank down into the water until only her face showed, leaning her head against the cooper lip, warmed by the fire behind, she studied him.

“This particular piece of scandal will be around London before I leave this tub”

“Is there a reason why I should care about that? It will become known that we are intimate, that you are mine… to delay it is meaningless”

“You are treating me as if I am your mistress” she accused, enjoying the hot water as it caressed her tired muscles.

“I am treating you as though you are mine, which you are, by your own admission”

“It feels like you are treating me like your whore” she said, her tone hard, but the fear beneath was real. That it was how everyone would treat her.

“I offered to treat you as my wife, but that was disagreeable to you” he said, moving toward her, and slipping his gloves and coat off.

“You worry the damage to your reputation will harm your prospects at re-marrying? Someone other than me, of course… someone - respectable” he said flatly, as he knelt by the tub, and started to roll up his sleeves. Rey found herself strangely transfixed by the sight of his muscled forearms being revealed, inch by inch.

“No” she said immediately.

“I do not plan to marry again, so it matters not” she said, watching him pick up the cloth she would use for bathing and pour lavender oils on it. He caught her gaze.

“Allow me?” he murmured, as he moved the rag to her skin, and started to drag it up and down her arms, working up a scented lather.

“Remind me why it is so abhorrent to you”

“I do not wish to lose my independence, to be at risk… when my husband tires of me. Those women end up alone regardless, but without the same freedom as before” she explained, closing her eyes as his strong fingers worked into the muscles of her neck.

“Is it the loftly Dopheld who has given you these fears?” he asked at length.

“No, he would never. He was a true gentleman. I was thinking more of the usual model society husband, like-“ she trailed of, as his fingers dug into the muscles of her spine, releasing tension that was gathering at the direction of his questions.

“Ah yes, my father’s example. The great Han Solo” he murmured, sending gooseflesh trickling over her back. His voice was free of anger though, only contemplative. He squeezed hot water across her shoulders.

“Why did you not inform me that last night was the first night you would be bedded by a man? One hardly expects it from a widow” he asked soberly. Rey tensed, knowing it was coming, but unwilling to face it at all. 

“Would it have been different?” she asked, genuinely unknowing.

 “I could have been gentler”

“Could you have?” she said, glancing up at him through her lashes. He flinched at her question, his hands pausing and gripping the cloth.

“You might be right, there are many things I find myself incapable of these days. Compassion, gentleness… forgiveness. I lost them upon a bloody battle field”

“So, you replaced them with anger and mistrust?”

“If there was ever someone to inspire their return, it would be you” he said, and Rey’s heart clenched at the words. They were softly spoken, like a confession. She turned to see him, but he moved out of view.

“I am pleased about the revelations of last night, but unhappy with you for lying to me” he said brusquely after a moment.

“I did not lie, I simply did not volunteer. Is virginity really so high a prize?”

“To some, for myself it is merely its implications that pleases me. If I had met you again in a whore house instead of a ballroom, it would matter not to me, our arrangement would be the same. I would still seek to make you mine.”

“Well, what implications do you speak of?”

“That there was something between you and Lord Kanata that you have hidden, something secret and unusual” he said, suddenly appearing, and couching beside the tub again.

“Why was your marriage never consummated?” he asked, his hazel eyes streaked with green in the morning light. His sleeves were wet, and she could see that he had run his wet hands through his hair, as it fell in damp waves along his jaw. He looked younger this morning, Rey thought fancifully. Less burdened.  

“I owe you no explanations” she evaded. He reached out a finger, to touch her breast, his finger circling her nipple and watched it contract to a hard point, as she shivered under his touch.

“Maybe so, but I ask you to give me one nonetheless”

“Some things should remain a secret” she said, flashing him a steadfast look. He bit down the sudden smile she inspired, her loyalty was still a fierce thing. He merely waited, and watching Rey’s cheeks flush as she gradually gave in to his request.

 “Am I to have nothing for myself? Must you take it all?” she complained, though she knew she would tell him, and she understood his curiosity.

“Do not deny me your secrets, Rey.” He said quietly, raising a hand to trace a droplet of water from her cheek.

“Please” he breathed, and she couldn’t ignore the heartfelt tone.

“He was my friend. Most adored. I miss him every day” she finally said.

Ben smiled at her, her words slowly sinking in the air between them. He leaned forward, his grin almost too much for her to bear. It was victorious and elated, and it also transformed him so very much. It was a smile she had never thought to see again. The smile of a ghost. He pressed a kiss to her lips, a soft and gentle brushing over hers.

“I vow I will remember how to be gentle… for you” he said. She reddened as she remembered just how much she had enjoyed his roughness.

“You acquitted yourself admirably… I had no cause to complain, and no point of comparison, as well you know” she said at last. Ben laughed at that, and when he looked back to her, he was grinning from ear to ear.

“A double-edged compliment if ever there was one.” He sat back on his heels, smiling at her so infectiously, she had no will to deny her own smile from forming.

“You are grinning like a love-struck fool” she finally admonished, scared by the way her heart had clung onto Ben’s smile, and placed it carefully inside her heart’s memory.

“Perhaps I am one”

“Ben” she complained at his teasing, and sank lower in the water to keep warm.

“You know, I could make the case that not all men enjoy dalliances-“ he started, and she cut him off immediately.

 “-But you need not lie to me. I am here, I have agreed to your terms. I know there is something between us, and I am committed to exploring it, with you. But I do not require marriage to do it and you need not seek to reassure me that I will not be unsalvageable at the end. I am not afraid”

  
“The end?” he enquired, silent for a long time, before speaking.

“The end of your interest in me… it can’t last forever” she said knowingly, shivering slightly as the bathwater started to cool. Ben said nothing, but Rey could feel his giddy happiness fading slowly away.

“I plan to go to Takodana” she said suddenly changing the subject.

“Takodana? Why?”

“I can’t properly mourn Maz here. I wish to go with my household, I plan to put it to them, and leave on the morrow”

“You will do no such thing” Ben said flatly, and she raised her eyes to his, his dismissal making anger burn in her chest.

“You cannot forbid me Ben, so don’t try.”

“Takodana is no longer yours, and the road is long, the time of year treacherous, your servants have suffered the same as you, and two of them are not as young. It would be hard on them.”

“Hux would not care, he hates Dunbeath” Rey argued focusing only on the part she was sure she was right about.

“Regardless, it is not your decision.”

“I will ask then, and I will ask Arte and Simon too. I will go alone if they do not wish to come”

“You will go alone? Hundreds of miles… without protection or concern for those who care about you?” Ben said harshly, pushing back from the tub to stand up, and plucked the towel from a nearby stand. He held his hand out for her, and she took it, the water cool to the point of discomfort.

“You need not worry about those who care about me. They will understand” she said shortly, as she stood, and let water cascade over her, and avoided Ben’s probing gaze, which was fixed to her face.

“I am excluded from that group, I see” he said quietly, as Rey took the towel and wrapped it around her middle. She felt fresh tears trying to force themselves up her throat, and looked away to the window, where a driving rain had started to fall against the windows, sending tendrils of chill through the air. There was so much inside her that was in turmoil, over Ben, over Maz, her role in this new life. What her place was in all of this.

A soft knock came from the hall, and Ben went to open the door a crack, hiding the sight of Rey. He took a missive handed to him, and opened it.

She started to dry herself, going to the fire. Ben was reading the letter, his face closing as he did.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, as she tied the sash of her wrapper, and pulled her wet hair over her shoulder to comb and dry. He looked up at her, crumpling the letter in his hand.

“Nothing to worry over. I have some things to attend to, I must leave to do it” he said slowly, watching her face for her reaction. She nodded, turning back to the fire.

“When will you go?” she asked, proud of how her even tone hid her inner disappointment.

“Immediately… I – I must go to Alderaan House” he explained.

“Very well” Rey said, seeing in her mind’s eye the moors she had loved as a child, the church in the village, and the warm kitchen of the manor.

“It is much changed from when you knew it. There are… many things that occurred…” he trailed off, lost in thought for a moment, before turning back to her.

“You could accompany me. Get out the city for a while, bring your staff – your friends. They would be welcomed. Mrs Holdo would be glad to see you. You can rest there, and recover your heart, all of you. We might… begin to know each other once more”

“I thought we already knew each other?”

“We did know each other, and we still know the parts of each other that are unchanged. But there is much to both of us that is new, much that has been missed… we could start to learn of those parts. I would like to know you again, Rey.” His words were heartfelt, and she straightened dropping her comb to her side to look at him. He seemed an odd paradox, his imposing façade, impossibly tall and dressed so formally in black, and yet his face was boyishly open for a moment. As though the events of the past days, the high emotions and revelations had spilt him as wide apart as her.

“I thank you for asking me, it is a kind offer… but I am too weary to make such a trip. To return to Alderaan and its ghosts. I must remain here to lay my most recent ghosts to rest first.” She said softly.

He nodded, his face understanding. His expression was so caring for a moment, she almost felt guilty to deceive him. Then she reminded herself that she was her own person, and she would make the decisions for her family. They would be going to Takodana, with or without Benjamin Solo’s blessing.

 .

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

 

The ride to Alderaan was punishing in the creeping winter light, and over the cold, frozen ground, he feared pushing his horse too hard. Leaving Rey had been wrenching. Whether she truly minded him leaving or not, she hadn’t said. But he minded going, of that, he was absolutely sure.

He had left her in the drawing room, lamps burning low, and the fire crackling, with her little family. There was less animosity from them toward him now, and he was glad. If those people were important to Rey, they were important to him. For he now knew more than ever, he would stop at nothing, to recapture her heart.

His guilt at taking her maidenhood so, was a heavy weight in his chest. The knowledge that all he had accused her off, marrying for money and social elevation, prostituting herself to gain a Duke, had all been so, incredibly wrong.

The hardest thing to accept of the situation had been the betrayal, and the feeling of being wrong, when you thought you knew someone as well as you knew yourself. But he had only been wrong to doubt her. He was the one who had betrayed her, by failing to believe in their connection.

She had never loved another, like she had loved him. The knowledge was a bitter melancholy, for he had never loved another, as he loved her. The ice around his heart, forged there in the cold mountains of his memories was thawing, the thoughts of Rey’s touch, her smile, her trusting abandon in his arms, were all serving to pull back to life the parts of himself he had feared were lost forever.

That she had given her virtue to another, when he had thought them so in love, had been a damning weight, a heaviness in his heart, that he carried to Portugal and back. A betrayal. For he was only a man, flesh and blood, and there was an age old fire in his bones to claim her and be her only, to have no other be allowed a privilege meant only for him. A primitive urge to be first, only and last. That she would allow another man that, when inside his own body there roared a fire of desire, more intense than he had ever experienced, only for her, had made him hate her all the more. It had hurt him all the deeper. 

There was a cold comfort in the knowledge that physical intimacy need not be linked to emotion. She might have be mercenary in her marriage, and solely sought the social advantage the union would give her.  But the deeper fear, the thought that she had loved another, as he loved her, had been a searing jealousy, a gnawing worm in his guts.

Now, how he longed to beg her forgiveness for his mistreatment and anger, since their reunion. How he longed to spoil her, and make her his wife, giving her a home and safety and all the things he knew she craved.

But she was fearful of his temperament, fearful of change, or having more to lose again one day. She didn’t know him, as he was now, changed by their time apart, and it was fair, as he barely knew himself. He did know, however, that for Rey, he could try and remember how to be a better man again. 

The lights of Alderaan House appeared in the distance, and he urged his mount on. They approached the stables first, and Dameron came out, hands wrapped in gloves and a hat pulled low over his forehead.

“At last, I was thinking if had grown too dark to travel”

“I didn’t want to delay, the note did not reach me quickly”

“Weren’t at home?” The groom said lightly, as he gave his master a sideways glance.

“No, and why do I suspect you know already where I was… see to the horse and then get inside, it’s cold beyond all reason tonight” Ben snapped, and went inside. Wokesly was waiting for him, always anticipating his young master’s needs.

“She is abed, milord. Sleeping, perhaps, or waiting more likely.”

“I’ll look in” Ben said, as he handed his things to Wokesly and took the stairs quickly.

The house was quiet and warm, it smelled of home to him, and he wished fervently for a moment that Rey was by his side. He walked down the hall past his rooms, and continued on. A door at the end of the long passage way was slightly ajar, and he peered in. Mrs Holdo was sitting in the dimly lit room, bedside a small bed, where only a tumble of brown curls betrayed the figure snuggled inside.

“There we are, Miss Lily, now you can see for yourself that the master has come” Mrs Holdo said as she raised her eyes to his. He nodded to her, relieving the older lady of her long duty. He stepped inside the room, and sat on the edge of the bed, as eager, curious eyes emerged from the covers, and then, Lily was pushing herself up.

“Ben! I have hurt my arm, and the doctor put this wrapping on it” she said excitedly. He nodded, brushing his thumb over the stiff wrapping of her small arm.  
“He says it might scar! Just like yours” she said happily, her fingers going to the edge.

“I can show you” she said, and he closed his hand over hers.

“No, Lily, tomorrow, or when the doctor comes… we don’t want to do anything to make it scar, if we can help it”

“I don’t care a whit about it. All good adventurers have scars” Lily say, allowing Ben to push her back in her bed, and tuck her in. He rested a hand on the covers, and looked with affection at his younger sister.

“You came awfully quickly” Lily mused.

“Well, I was worried. You must be more careful riding. Went Spring comes, we shall go out together and practice.” He promised, and her eyes lit up with the plan.

“Did you bring anyone with you? Some friends to stay with us?” she asked after a moment, clutching a doll she had unearthed from under the duvet.

“Not today, but Armitage and Catherine will come the day after the morrow. They will stay with you, while I return to London briefly”

“But you only just came home”

“I know, I want to stay. If all goes well, I will return quickly. I hope to – bring someone for you to meet. Someone I hope you will like, very much” he said quietly, and Lily’s insightful eyes missed nothing of his expression.

“Who are they?”

“She is… someone I used to know, when she was just little, like you”

“What’s her name?”

“Her name is Rey”

“Rey! That’s a funny name, I shan’t forget it, and then when she comes, I shall surprise her by knowing her name!” Lily promised, and there was a familiar humour in her eye for a moment, that transported Ben completely, to when he was but a boy, being tucked into bed by another man, his rumbling voice bidding him goodnight, and he had felt safe and loved and whole.

As Lily’s eyes started to droop with tiredness, Ben leant forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead, inhaling a scent that was innocence and sweet dreams. A smell that had come to mean family to him, a spark of hope, in the dark, before quietly leaving the room.

He didn’t know Lily well, she knew Wokesly and Holdo, and no doubt Poe, far better than him. When Wokesly had located the apartment that Han Solo had secured for his mistress, they had found Lily’s mother in the gripe of measles. It had been only by the kindness of a neighbour, taking Lily in as a new born, that she had avoided the dreaded disease. Ben had taken Lily to the house on Grovensor Street, into the willing and ready arms of Mrs Holdo. He had sent a doctor to care for Lily’s mother, Beth, but she had lasted only one day, after hearing that her daughter was provided for. And so, the Solo townhouse had became a place of midnight feedings and toys scattered about the parlour, baby’s cries and that sweet, soft smell of childhood.

He had departed for war, leaving the little Lily in the capable hands of Wokesly and Holdo, and he knew, she would want for nothing. He had felt no attachment to this child, his sister, until he had returned.

She was then moved to the newly built Alderaan House, and she was faring well in the lush countryside. The first time he had met her again, he had been surprised by her vivacity, now a child of 3. She was curious about him, and held no boundaries when it came to pulling his hair, or tugging on his sleeve for attention.

Now, turning 4, she was lively and energetic, and she looked to him often, her brother, her only living relative, for approval or affection. He was sure that Lily half assumed Wokesly and Holdo to be her parents, and they had fulfilled the role in every way, something he would always be indebted for.

It was a strange and new thing, to be wanted so completely, without reservation by another. He wondered how Rey would like her, this little copy of his mischievous father. He wondered if Lily might be happy to accept another into their little family. He thought she would, and he knew, since he had returned from Portugal and seen Rey once more, that there was nothing he wouldn’t do to achieve it, for both their sakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your sweet comments last chapter. 
> 
> Regarding Rey... she might be ready to submit to Ben in bed, but she's not about to roll over and let him dictate her life... let the battle of wills commence.
> 
> Enjoy the talk... let me know what you think!


	28. Chapter 28

 

When Rey set out from London, despite the encroaching winter, the weather seemed fair enough. She knew deep down that she might be acting hastily, repeating an old pattern perhaps, but the urge to flee to her refuge of Takodana was strong. It would be the second time in her life when she had lost her mother figure, and fled to the stronghold of her heart, her castle by the sea. The second time a man had frightened her with his passion and intent, and her own heart had frightened her with the intensity of its reaction. The same feeling, the same man.

She obtained permission to go easily enough, though Hux had been concerned about the weather conditions. He had thought her servants would be travelling with her, and Rey had hoped as much as well. But Ben’s words, about their condition, about the strain and unfairness of asking them to accompany her had stuck fast in her heart, and now, she feared being a burden by asking. She had thought only to ask Finn and Bobby, but she had seen Finn’s hurt expression, his fear, in the face of the thought of getting abroad the carriage once more, so soon. She cursed her selfishness for not foreseeing it.

And so, she had informed them that she was taking a quick trip, and would return with all haste, and that she would communicate more when she arrived.

It was rash and impulsive, and the last time she acted thus was a direct parallel to this time, and despite knowing it and more, she couldn’t stop herself.

She boarded the packet to Edinburgh, where she would stay, except for changing horses, for 5 days, and then she would start to traverse the more convoluted, small roads up through the highlands.

She stared out the window as the landscape changed, and thought of all the times she had watched the backdrop of her life change, like a play between acts. Each momentous occasion, shuffled quickly into place, new scenery arranged before the actors may take the stage again, and play their parts. London to Alderaan, her young nose pressed against the glass, unable to understand so much green. Alderaan to Scotland, a hope burning in her chest too hot to deny, and a deep and crushing sadness of what she left behind, as towns and cities fell away to dramatic sweeping glens and mountains. Dunbeath to London, with her ailing husband, sure that she would never travel that road with him again. And now, alone, carrying her last memories of Maz inside her heart like precious jewels, to bear back to her home, and lay to rest, amongst the wild mountain thyme and blooming heather. She knew it was a wretched plan, and yet, she had to go. She tried not to think of Ben’s reaction, it hurt her in an odd way. He would be angry, that much was easy to guess. But that he might be disappointed, disappointed in her, that was harder to bear.

 

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When Hux and Catherine arrived in Alderaan, Lily was overjoyed to see them. She had become close to Ben’s best friends, the only ones he tolerated to visit him at home. She dressed prettily, and asked Hux to take tea with her, sitting him at her small table and serving an endless array of invisible finger sandwiches and cakes, all of which, he ate with good grace. For Catherine, Lily was more shy. Having a woman to look up to, one who was young and fashionable, and as regal and impressing as Catherine, set a standard for Lily, and Ben was glad to see his sister emulating his friend’s graceful and well-educated ways.

As Catherine and Lily sequestered themselves in her room, in a fort build of bedding, Hux and Ben took drinks in the study.

“And your wedding preparations, I trust they are progressing well.”

“Very well, though I cannot but think all things wedding are terribly drawn out” Hux said. Ben smirked at him.

“Patience, Armitage, you’ll have her all to yourself… soon enough” he said, and was rewarded with a creeping red band of skin around Hux’s neck as he looked to his drink and flushed.

“Don’t be vulgar, Solo. It’s beneath you”

“It is very much not beneath me, my good friend… for the right woman, it is practically impossible to contain such urges. I applauded you in your restraint. I have not half your fortitude.”

“Well, Miss Tico is not easily gotten alone, it certainly helps to keep one in line” Hux muttered.

“As I said, soon she will be yours, and you will be alone together. You can explore each other, at leisure” Hux choked on his drink at Ben’s words.

“I can only assume a woman has inspired such lusty thoughts as those… and given your relatively happy expression, I suppose I can guess which one” Hux remarked, calming himself. Ben inclined his head, unable to prevent a smile playing around his lips.   

“I am happy… to see you happy” Hux said, raising his glass.

“Though I would be remiss in my familial duties not to ask when you were intending on behaving like a gentleman, and asking for her hand”

“I have already asked, believe it or not… I will not stop. Someday, I hope to be successful” Ben said, and Hux laughed, a rare enough sound for the jaded socialite, at the prospect of the great and much sought after heir to the Alderaan estate, being so constantly rebuffed.  

“I am relieved, I do not think my future wife would approve of anything less. I haven’t told her, of cousin Rey’s journey to Takodana. She would only worry” Hux said. Ben stiffened in his chair, all ease and light-heartedness guttering out in an instant like a candle flame in a draft.

“What?”

“Surely you know, Rey has decided to travel to Takodana, with her household. She asked my leave to stay there, to say goodbye as it were, to her mother in law. I don’t see any reason I should have to care about the place, she can keep it for all I care-“ Hux trailed off, as he saw a stone like countenance descend over his friend.

“You did not know?” he guessed. Ben shook his head tersely.

“When did she ask you?”

“Why, two days ago now, early in the morning. I advised her against it, but it seemed her mind was made up”

“Made up indeed. Made up to defy me” Ben muttered, pushing back to standing.

“You’re going to go after her?” Hux said, standing also, flustered and unsettled by the sudden flurry of activity.

“The weather will only grow worse, if they are stuck out in it… I –“ Ben trailed off, dark and fearful thoughts running through his mind.

“I cannot allow something to happen to Rey. Not when I might prevent it. I could sooner stop breathing, and never draw breath again” Ben admitted, as he rang the bell for Wokesly.

“They can’t have gotten far, one day ahead, two, at the very most.”

“I will make it up on horseback, providing the weather holds” Ben said, as he started to instruct Wokesly on what he needed before departing.

“Catherine and I shall stay with Lily, until you return” Hux said, and Ben clasped his shoulder.

“Thank you, it is kind of you. Invite the Tico’s if you wish” Ben unaware of how his friend stilled at his words.

“Looking after Lily is no trial at all. Catherine is very fond of her, as am I. It does my sister good, to spend time with a young child, to be a mother to someone… ” Hux cleared his throat uncomfortably, and nodded to Ben.

“You have not entertained other company at Alderaan House before… not since-“

“My mother was hostess” Ben finished for him. Hux nodded.

“I find myself less inclined to dwell on the past of late… and more decided upon looking to the future. I have something for myself, and Lily too, to look forward to again I hope. Invite your betrothed, I can assure you, there are many secretive places around this house that you might sequester her alone”

“Seeing her at all, would suffice to satisfy me, she has quite the hold on me, strange as it is… this –longing, for another” Hux mused, as he followed Ben from the study.   
“I believe I can understand your feeling perfectly” Ben said, a hint of his frustration and worry showing as he pulled on a thick riding coat, and his leather gloves.

“Go then and accompany Rey, make sure she doesn’t endanger herself in her grief”

“I will, my friend. I promise, when I catch up to Rey, the only danger she will be in, is from me” Ben said with determination.

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Rey watched the snow drift lazily down, fat flakes drifting slowly to the ground, as though there was all the time in the world to waste, and no hurry to go anywhere. It paid no heed to the travellers, stuck inside a roadside inn just north of Coventry, and their urgent plans to travel onwards. It was the third day she was confined to the inn, with the drivers ruling the weather impassable. The snow that had been gently collecting at the sides of the road as she left London, had thickened and clogged, as more fell from the sky. They had stopped with relief the first night at the inn, The Bent Horseshoe, and then, in the morning, had awoken to a sky full of white, heavy swirling snow, totally impenetrable.

This morning, as Rey had enquired whether they might leave, the driver had only advised her that he knew know when the coach might depart.

She sighed, leaning her head on her hand and staring dejectedly at the weather. No amount of willing it to change was having an effect, however. She felt foolish in her desperate desire to leave the city. She had rushed away with little consideration, full of emotion over the things that had passed between her and Ben. The shocking intimacy of it. The physical act laying her open and vulnerable in a way she had never felt before. It had been unsettling.

She had been, and still was, full of grief over losing Maz. Her loss was a wound, that seeped fresh sadness each time it was pressed, and the smallest things brushed against her memories. The smell of lavender water, and the taste of tea. The crackle of the fire, and the howl of the wind outside. It was like losing Dopheld all over again, for the Kanata’s had been a pair, the family she’d never thought she’d find.  And now she had lost them both. There was once a day when she had thought Ben would be her family, but after everything that had passed between them, she couldn’t imagine Ben in that role anymore. He had grown hardened by his life, his disappointments and losses. He had grown resentful and distrustful, and she could understand why, though it pained her to see it. Would the raging beast inside him, born of war and anger, be gentled by quiet living, by family and love. Could all the rips in his heart be healed?

 

She wondered, not for the first time, what he would think, when he found out she had left. The musing was not wholly uncomfortable. There was an insidious, creeping guilt in her wondering, that angered her, for it was new, and she felt his behaviour had not earned it. Yet, it was there. He would be angry, lividly so… but he would also be worried. It was an uncomfortable feeling to bear.

Her attention shifted to the road beyond the inn courtyard. There were few brave or desperate travellers making their way in the snow, one of which had turned toward the inn, and was making their way there, head bent low over their horse, whose very body was shivering. They painstakingly made their way to the courtyard, where no hand was brave enough to venture out to greet them. The man slipped off the stead, his hat coming off in the wind as he did so. He bent to retrieve it, and before he put it on, ran a leather gloved hand through his dark locks. The action stilled Rey’s heart a moment.

The man was tall, extremely so, and broad, and though she still could not make out his face, there was something terrifyingly familiar about the set of his shoulders, and his sure but steady movements, as he prepared his horse for stabling.

He tilted his head back to regard the windows of the inn, and Rey found herself transfixed there. She couldn’t quite see his face, but in that moment, she knew in her heart, it was Ben. She scrambled back from the window, her heart beating wildly.

She looked around the small room, with its neat, small bed, rocking chair by the fire, and a stand for her trunk. It seemed impossible to imagine Ben here, there seemed no space to fit such a man inside. Her thoughts skittered wildly as she looked down at her lose hair, clouding her shoulders, and her loosely tied gown, heavy shawl over. Should she leave? Would he be able to gain her room number from the inn keeper? All these questions went through her head as she walked quickly from one part of the room to the other, her hands tangling in her skirts.

Then, she heard the creak of the stairs at the end of the hall, an innocent sound she had been hearing for days, always mindful of her vulnerability as a single woman alone in a travellers inn.

The footsteps were usually harried, moving at a quick pace, people leaving in a hurry, or eager to gain their rooms and the fires within.

These steps were deliberate, a heavy tread, measured and purposeful. The sound of the steps echoed down the hall, as the person advanced toward the only room situated at the end of the hall, Rey’s own.

The footsteps advanced relentlessly, and Rey stepped back, away from the door, staring at it aghast. The only thing worse than going against Ben’s direct mandate, in secret, behind his back, would be if he had travelled through the hellish conditions outside to find her.

A slow knock sounded from the door, the footsteps having ceased their terrible march. Rey was frozen to the spot. She stared at the door, her heart beating madly in her chest. The knock came again.

“Who is there?” she asked, her hands clenched at her sides. Maybe she was mistaken and her imagination had grown too wild, she comforted herself a moment, before a familiar gravelly voice spoke and dispelled any hope she had harboured.

“Open the door, Lady’s Kanata” she couldn’t gain any hint of his mood from his tone, it was courteous but heavy. She hesitated further still.

“I am not of mind to receive guests” she previcated, knowing it was futile all the while.

“Open the door now, before I break it”

“What are you going to do?” she asked, as she approached.

“You shall find out presently. Open the door” he commanded, and Rey found her hands going to the key. She turned it, and immediately stepped back, as it swung in, pushed by Ben’s riding boot, encrusted with snow and slush.

He stepped into the room, a looming spectre of the tempest outside. His surcoat and hat were fleeced with snow, she could feel the cold emanating from him as he entered the room, the cold air making her shiver in contrast to the rosy fire burning in the grate. His face was bloodless, the only colour of his face the shining luminesce of his hazel eyes, darker than usual, now fixed upon her with intensity. He strode toward her, and pulled her to him in a rush. She was crushed against his cold clothes, the leather of his gloves like ice, even through her dress, as his hands circled her upper arms. He released a long breath into her hair, his face pressing against her, seeming to inhale her scent for a long moment, before he leaned away, and looked down at her accusingly.

“What possessed you? Do you know what you risk? Travelling in this season? Travelling alone? Have you no regard for those who care for you?” his eyes were flashing furiously at her, and she felt her own ire rise, even if she half agreed with his sentiments, it smarted for them to be pointed out.

“You cannot tell me what to do! I told my family I was going, they will not be worried”

“You are lying to yourself if you believe that – this was selfish Rey”

“Coming from the most selfish person I know”

“Yes, I am selfish. I want you by my side, not dead in a ditch on the road to Scotland, lost in a snow bank, or taken from you room by some man who would covert you. It is selfishness that has driven me through the snow to find you, day in and day out, stopping in every inn along the way” their angry gazes warred as they stared at each other.

 “So, have you come to punish me then? Or save me? What kind of man will you prove to be? Are you here to ensure my safety or make me regret defying you?” she said at last, when she could stand his probing stare no longer. He was so cold, but the fire in his eyes seemed to defy the ice that issued forth from him. As always, he was a paradox to her, scorching passion, and ice cold remoteness at even turns.

“Why not both?” he said lowly, his voice only above a whisper. His hands were still on her shoulders, and then, she felt something that startled her. A tremble in his fingers. Commander Benjamin Solo, war hero, shaken before her. She saw then that mixed into the roiling frustration and rage of his gaze, was fear. Worry had worn him low, she realised, seeing the exhaustion around his eyes, how full mouth pale and drawn. His usually impeccable countenance now stubbled and worn. The storm raged outside, reminding Rey at that moment that this man had come looking for her from London, on a route pronounced impassable by seasoned travellers, under conditions that were dangerous and harsh. He had risked his life, she realised suddenly. A lame horse, or a fall in the snow, and he would be the one lying undiscovered roadside until the thaw. With that realisation, the swoop of fear she felt in her heart and subsequent anger, that he would risk himself so, must have mirrored Ben’s own frustration, and for the first time in a long time, she understood him perfectly.

“I’m sorry” she said suddenly, the words spilling forth. His mouth parted in surprise at her sudden ownership of wrongdoing. She leaned into him, and wrapped her arms around him, as far as she could reach, trying to press her warmth against him.

“I’m sorry the weather became so treacherous” she continued, and he huffed out a defeated laugh.

“I thought for a moment you were apologising for coming in the first place” he said. She shook her head against his chest.

“I won’t apologise for coming. It is my choice how to mourn Maz, you are not my husband. I will not apologise for leaving when you told me not to, for you have no authority to do so” she continued, as he stiffened under her touch.

“However, I will apologise for worrying you. I was unkind, to make you suffer so. I can only hope to send word to my family so they will not worry as well”

“I informed them that I would find you”

“I know not if that will prevent them from worrying, or exacerbate it” she said tartly, and finally earned a laugh from him, a rumble in his chest. That laugh turned at length into a cough, and Rey could feel it deep in his chest. She leaned away and looked up again at him, seeing him through fresh eyes.

She realised now that his pale skin was waxy, his eyes a little glazed, his mouth still bloodless. Sweat dripped from his brow, though he still felt ice cold beneath her hands.

“Ben? Are you well?”  she said, stepping away from him to better see him. He swayed in the absence of her support, dashing a hand across his mouth,

“How long were you out in the snow?” she asked worriedly, going to help him out of his coat.

“Not more than three days, I’m sure” Ben said quietly, and Rey’s heart clenched. She disentangled his arms from his coat, the heavy thing dragged down further by the icy water suffusing the hem.

“I may need a moment, to catch my breath” he said gruffly, as she peeled his gloves off, seeing the skin underneath reddened and chapped, his fingers deathly cold.

“Come and sit by the fire” she coaxed, as she pulled his arm. She must have been over eager, for her sudden change of direction seemed to confuse Ben, who was rapidly losing focus. His arm slipped from her grasp, and she turned in horror to see him go to his knees, his waxen brow sweating, his dark eyes unfixed on any point.

“Ben!” she cried, as he reached an arm out for the chair, moving as though the limb weighed a ton or more, before missing it entirely, and landing face down before the fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays to one and all! 
> 
> Just short update, to see where out protagonists are... next chapter to follow soon)) xx


	29. Chapter 29

Rey stared at Ben’s inert body for a long moment in shock. He was so still, all other thoughts deserted her as she thought for one, horrifying moment, that somehow, the most robust and vital person she knew, had dropped dead before her.

Ben gave a loud groan, and shifted to his side, and Rey’s panic melted away, as she rushed to his side.

“Here let me help” she offered, propping up his arm, as she attempted to get him into a seated position, but it proved impossible, he was too large and heavy. He got his hand under him and pushed himself to sitting, leaning back against the chair by the fire, his face taunt with fatigue. He coughed a few times, and closed his eyes, wincing at the rough sensation in his chest. Rey hovered at his side, before he spoke to her.

“Sit by me” he said, in as commanding a tone as ever.

“I see being ill hasn’t lessened your bossiness” she muttered, though she was relieved, as she tucked her knees under her, and sat beside him. He rested his head back against the chair, and opened his eyes, giving her sideways glance through lashes far too thick to be a man’s.

“Don’t think your pretty apology will allow you to escape your punishment… your misdeeds have reached a terrible tally”

“Hmm, have they really?” Rey enquired innocently, glad that he was feeling well enough to play with her, as she watched the firelight dance across his black, shining hair.

“Indeed” he growled lowly, catching her wrist as she tugged an errand strand of hair behind her ear. He used it to pull her toward him.

“Come closer” he murmured, his dark eyes moving over her. She felt a flush working up from her fluttering stomach at the intent in his eyes. Half dead with exhaustion and cold, Ben still looked as if devouring her was the only thing he wanted in the world.

“You’re cold-“

“So… warm me… isn’t that your duty, in this situation?” he said, her face was now close to his eyes running over her lips and back to her eyes, and down again. Rey felt warm just being near him, even though he was still cold, as though his steamy intent could translate through flesh.

“Aren’t you even a little bit glad to see me?” he murmured lowly, the deep throaty timbre of his voice making all the tiny hairs on her body stand up to attention. He leaned forward, his lips brushing the pulse point at the base of her neck, making her gasp.

“Tell me that you are” he urged, as his lips moved indecently across her sensitive skin, tracing faint lines, and soft bites onto the flesh there. Her arms came up to clutch at his shoulders.

“Seeing you is not unpleasant” she allowed, and felt his hands dig into her hip, where he was holding her against him.

“I’m adding that to your tally” he said gruffly. She pulled back from him, and looked him in the eye.

“Fine. I am happy to see you, anxious about your so-called punishment, and angry that you have made yourself cold and unwell in searching for me” she said candidly.

“Do you have no regard for those who care about you?” she teased him, recalling his earlier words. He stared back at her, looking as always as though she was an insolvable puzzle he longed to figure out.

“There are few who would make that claim” he stated, with such confidence, it winded Rey’s playful smile a little, though she fought to keep it in place.

“Don’t be absurd… Hux would be quite distraught” Rey teased.

“He would, wouldn’t he?” Ben said, with a sudden smile.

“Terribly so. Quite inconsolable”

  
“And you? How would you feel?” Rey hesitated, aware of that new light that had entered Ben’s eyes, when joking fell away. It was the look of old Ben, the one she had thought lost.

“Bereft.” She said simply, seeing his eyes widen, and averting her gaze from the mix of emotions she was sure to find there.

“After all…how would I ever get home without you? Not to mention… how would I occupy myself in this room for one more moment alone” she said, bringing their conversation back to more familiar ground.

“I have several ideas about that” Ben re-joined, seeming content to drop his line of questioning, and returning his attention to her neck, his mouth moving over her skin with renewed intensity.

“And all of them require far less clothes than this” he was saying, as he bunched up her skirts, and tugged at them.

“Disrobe” he said plainly, as Rey struggled not to fall under the spell his drugging hands and mouth, his whispered orders and effortless command of her body seemed to weave over her.

“Ben-“ she started, and he held up a finger to her mouth, pressing it lightly across her lips.

“I do not like to ask twice, sweetheart, as well you know” he murmured, sending a wave of desire over her, before he cut off, and turned his head, coughing violently for a moment. Rey was alarmed, seeing him collapse back from the fit that had shaken his entire frame. He rested a hand over his eyes, and let out a wheezing breath.

 “Damnable weather” he complained.

“You _are_ unwell!” she accused, scooting out his reach entirely, even as his hand shot out to stay her, and gaining her feet.

“You need out of those wet clothes, something hot to eat and drink, and then sleep. Complete and utter rest” she ordered, crossing her arms over her chest, and giving him an expression that would permit no argument. It was testament to how bad he must be feeling, that he seemed to agree with her, a small smirk playing on his lips at her bossy instructions. She rang for service, and gave instructions to the maid to bring towels, hot soup and strong tea. She bustled efficiently around the room, Ben’s gaze on her all the while,  shutting the gap in the window, stoking the fire, and then, came to kneel at his feet to attend to his boots, still on his feet, soaking large puddles into the rough-hewn floor.

“Am I witnessing Rey – the wife? I must say, I rather like it” he mumbled, as she started to unlace his boots, scattering slush across her skirts, which instantly soaked through to her legs. She finally freed his large feet of them, finding his hose underneath soaked through.

“That you can dally with kisses and seduction, in such a state of discomfort is beyond-“ she broke off her chastisement as she looked up to see his watching eyes had closed, and his chest was rising and falling with rhythmic breaths.

Rey’s first task was to get him comfortable. She felt his forehead, it was warm, flushing now, instead of pale. He had a fever, but it wasn’t terrible, at least, she didn’t think so.  

She hoped that he was merely exhausted and run down, exposure to the outside and pushing his body more than he should have had all colluded to bring him low. He had a cough, but not too bad, and she thought all he needed was warmth and rest, some care, and she was going to provide it. After all, he was only in that state because he was looking for her, while she was sitting in the comfort and warmth of the inn.

Quickly realising that she was not going to get him onto the bed singlehandedly, she decided to bring the covers and pillows and blankets to the floor.   

Ben hadn’t moved, and she could hear his deep rhythmic breaths, having fallen into a restful sleep.

Next, she set her mind to undoing his cravat and waistcoat. They were stiff with wear, dirt of travelling and his own sweat of the fever. She worked them off, her fingers digging deep into the knots. She slipped the buttons free and carefully pulled it off him. Next, she took off his undershirt, which was still damp and clinging to his skin. The skin of his chest was hot, and clammy both at once, and she rubbed him dry with the fresh towels provided by the maid. She pulled his hair off his face, running her hands through the tangles in the soft waves. Ben murmured softly as her fingers worked into the tense muscles at the nape of his neck.

He was so vulnerable there, she thought, as she brushed her fingers along his defined cheekbones and linking the beauty marks that stood out against his pale skin. His face in repose was soft and held an innocence she had rarely seen from him. Free to study him at her leisure, she couldn’t help tracing her fingers over his full lips, the crease between his eyebrows, and the fluttering length of his eyelashes, resting like fans on his cheeks.

She placed his boots near the fire, and worked off his breeches and hose. She felt a flash of embarrassment as she unfastened the unfamiliar garment, and then, started to tug them over his hips. His thighs were heavily muscled and caused her quite the tug of war, the wet fabric barely sliding. She wrestled them off his large feet, and then towelled him dry, averting her eyes from his undergarments, which were thankfully still dry.

“When I said disrobe, I meant you, my love” he said suddenly, and her inspection of his undergarments and upper thighs was interrupted by Ben’s inquisitive stare. She bit her lip, blushing to be found pouring over his most intimate place while he was asleep.

“I have to dry you” she explained, lifting a towel to show him.

“By all means… dry away” he said, letting his head fall back as she started to rub up and down his bare legs with the towel, drying off the skin and bringing blood back, after his long exposure to the cold. She worked up to his knees, and then, once his lower legs and feet were dry, she moved onto his thighs. She started to push the towel up and down his thighs, fixed on the way the wiry dark hair that dusted his legs sprang about in the aftermath of the motion. She moved upward still, and became aware that Ben had completely stopped moving. He lay deathly frozen, as she paused her ministrations mid thigh, and peered at his face.

“Ben, are you sleeping?”

  
“How I could sleep with you –drying me… there, I know not” he said, his voice liquid fire, as he leaned back up to look at her. She held his burning gaze, and wondering at her brazenness, slowly lowered the towel back to his thigh, and resumed the motion of it, pushing it up further each time. The edge brushed the solid weight of him, hidden inside his undergarments, where the hair started to thicken on his thighs, and his entire body jerked. Ben let out a short hiss at the contact, his eyes on hers all the while, darker than ever. She ran the towel back down to his knee, and them, slowly up again, brushing him once more, enjoying the way he danced beneath her touch. Such power of muscle and lethal ability, lying prostrate beneath her, looking at her with a desperation that was heady. It was a powerful feeling, and Rey was surprised to find how much she enjoyed it.

“Having fun, little one?” he asked, his voice was like smoke, curling around her. She bit her lip as she nodded at him, smiling.

“You can have all the fun you’d like… explore to your heart’s content” he said softly, urging her on.

“You are not well enough-“

“I am always well enough to be touched by you” he disagreed, and then shifted back, bringing his arms up to cushion under his head.

“I will lie here and rest. You’re only drying me off, after all” he said.

She turned her attention back to his barely clothed form before her. Absently rubbing the towel up and down his leg, she gradually moved it up, until it was running against his under things, and his manhood, now clearly outlined there, as it stiffened quickly and dramatically. It was such an odd appendage, Rey thought to herself, as she watched it wake up.

It seemed to have a mind of its own, and she couldn’t help rubbing the towel up and down it a few times, seeing it swell further in length and girth, until it lay trapped along his leg, straining up, but unable to move due to the constrictive linen of his underwear. He hissed at the feeling, and shifted his hips, his hand reached down to loosen something, and then it was springing up, fully extended up his lower abdomen, the top just appearing over the white linen.

“Touch me, Rey... if you desire” Ben murmured, as she stared at him. He looked like the muscled statues she had seen in books and museums, all rounded globes of strength and straining planes born of discipline. She tentatively lowered her hand to his thigh, and saw the muscles leap under her touch.

“Higher” he instructed, sounding pained at her slow exploration. She ran her fingertips up, watching the hair spring up behind them, until she reached his lap. With a courage she did not know she possessed, she reached out a finger, and touched his manhood, and it spasmed at her brushing movement.  Ben let out a low curse, and Rey pulled back.

“Does it hurt-“ she started, and squeaked when Ben lunged forward with a strength she wasn’t expecting, and pulled her body over his, physically hauling her up his body, until her legs fell open around his hips, and she sat astride him.

“Not in the way you imagine” he grunted, the effort of lifting her seeming to have taken the last of his strength. He shivered a moment, and Rey leaned forward with concern.

“You’re too cold for this” she remarked, and he wrapped his arms around her, and held her to his chest, letting a long breath out in her hair.

“You warm me more than any fire” he murmured, gently canting his hips to rub against her, and she suddenly felt how aligned they were, the ached between her legs that had been steadily making itself known, and the hard maleness of him, the long length perfectly positioned to slid up and down her opening. Her skirts fell around her knees and there was nothing but two thin strips of linen between them, Ben pulled her closer, settling her firmly onto his chest, as hips continued to softly nudge at her, sliding up and down, and up and down, a dragging and awakening sensation, bringing all the nerves that hid in that place of secret pleasure to life. She felt her breathing grow faster, as she started, instinctively, to push down to meet his shallow thrusts. His groaned his approval into her hair, as he pressed kisses along her forehead. His hands moved down her body to her waist, and then, lower still, to cup her bottom through her thick skirts. He pushed down on her, bringing her more into contact with him than ever.

“There is no one in the world who moves me to great emotion as you are able to, anger, despair, desire…” She gasped as his rigid length rubbed against her just so, creating a building sensation she had started to recognise. She held onto his shoulders, her fingers biting in as he pistoned his hips beneath her.

“I had plenty of time while searching for you to plan your punishment… my naughty little minx” he said, punctuating each word with a thrust.

“But you need never fear my punishment Rey, for I wish to blind you with pleasure, and torture you with desire. I want to make you desperate and crying out for me, not from fear but from passion” he was saying in her ear, his hips moving fast that ever, and she could feel the wetness he had inspired soaking through her drawers, making the delicious rubbing of them together all the more visceral.

“This is how I punish you, my love” he said roughly, stopping suddenly, leaving Rey to cry out at the unwanted absence of his insistent movements, just when that heavenly crescendo had been reaching breaking point. She looked down at him, her eyes hazed with lust, her mouth parted in disappointment, chest heaving. He looked up at her, his face twisting as if in pain.

“Take comfort in knowing that your punishment is one for me too” he said hoarsely. Rey sat her weight back on him, fully upright now, and could feel his length, still as hard as before, now drenched in her own juices, nestled just where she wanted it, where she needed it.

“No. I refuse your punishment” she breathed, as she started her own motion, sliding back and forth on him, angling her hips so that each time dragged up and completely over the apex of her thighs, where tingling sensations were issuing forth and spreading throughout her entire being. Ben grunted beneath her, his hands coming up to stop her urge her on, or to stay her, she didn’t know, no longer cared, as she felt the sweet building again inside her. She moved frantically, back and forth, over and over, her head falling back in wanton abandon, as Ben grabbed great handfuls of her skirts and moved her faster than she knew she was capable.

“Take your pleasure on me Rey. Now. Take what you desire” he commanded harshly, as pleasure flooded through her, and she felt the hot warmth of his own release seeping through onto her thighs, and a last few lazy thrusts, before he relaxed to the floor, and she melted like a puddle across him, her body soft and warm, and still sparking with pleasure.

“That was a magnificent sight, my little innocent, finding her confidence… it won’t release you from your wrongdoing, but it will lighten your punishment” he said, his voice a warm, low hum. Rey shivered in his arms, wondering what kind of punishment he might dream up, and why on earth the thought of it made her tingle all over.

“Do you feel alright?” she asked belatedly.

“Better now. You are a wonderful nurse maid.” He said, a hint of a grin in his tone.

“They do say exercise does wonders for the constitution.” Rey remarked back, and he laughed outright, the sound she aspired to hear more often.

“Indeed” he said. They lay like that a long time, his hand moving gently through her hair, his chest rising and falling, lifting her slightly as it did, as all her curves slotted perfectly into his hollows.

Bit by bit, she realised, he had fallen asleep again. She raised herself up, wincing at the tremors in her legs. She was sticky and wet between her legs, and he must be too, she realised.

She had to get him warm and dry. His skin was much hotter now, from the fire, or exertions, or fever, she wasn’t sure. She went to his underclothes, and trying to be fearless, tugged them down his hips. His manhood sprang free, now spent, and lying heavily along his thigh, still weighty and intimating, even when not aroused, the thatch of dark curls at its base splattered with his spend. She took the towel and quickly wiped it free of the sticky liquid he had spilled, the smell reaching her, salty and musky. It was obscene and intimate, and she felt a strange kind of ownership, over this example of male perfection lain out before her, as though, it were hers as much as Ben’s. She cleaned him gently, and then, shook out the extra sheets she had asked for, and wrapped them around his naked form, feeling the loss of such a marvellous and alien sight to gaze at. She pulled blankets from the bed on top of him next, rolling him this way and that to wedge the thickest one underneath, to keep them both from the floor.

She wrapped blankets around his legs, and then up around his torso. She moved his head onto a pillow, and brought some warm water to his lips.

“Ben, would you like to drink something?” she murmured. He was unresponsive, merely turning his head away and burrowing deeper into her the pillow. She sat beside him, and stroked his hair again.

“Rey, lie down with me sweetheart, and rest” he breathed lightly.

She settled in to wait until she would be able to rouse him enough to drink or eat something. She watched the snow falling steadily outside, and listened to the crackle of the fire, only broken by Ben’s occasional coughing.

Hours passed in that place. She thought of Maz and Dopheld, she thought of Ben and all that had happened between them in their time apart. She thought of the stranger who had returned and claimed to have been the man she had known. She thought of when she had realised that he wasn’t as much of a stranger as he had seemed, that the man she had known was in there, all along. She thought of the things Maz had taught her, of kindness and compassion, of sympathy and understanding.

Night fell, and Ben slept on, she stripped off her gown and put on her sleeping clothes, washing briskly in the now cool water. She decided to sleep with him, to ward off any chill of the floor, and curled into his side, glad she had been able to get him to take at least a little soup and water, though he had seemed asleep throughout.

She tucked into him, and laid her head tentatively on his chest. His arm came up to cradle her to him after a moment, and she felt herself melt against him.

She awoke with a start, when Ben’s arm had fallen from her, and found the bedclothes kicked off. She slid out from him, seeing the moon high in a clear sky, and stacked more wood on the fire. She wrapped the blankets once again around them, and pulled Ben into a comfortable position once more. He murmured into her hair as she pressed close.

“Rey… my sun” his words were too faint to be sure, but she fell asleep again, her heart full of emotion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't leave you in suspense! 
> 
> Work not, he's not too ill, more just exhausted and chilled, and loss of adrenaline after hunting and worrying for Rey. 
> 
> Now all that's left is to nurse him back to health, in their snowed in inn... its like the smut hut, and an inn... a sin inn? That works, right? 
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	30. Chapter 30

Ben woke to the sound of softly turning pages, and the crackling of the fire. The air was shrouded in silence, thick and soft, telling him that the snow was still falling outside, and he turned his aching head to see Rey, perched on an armchair by the fire. Her clothes were lowly homespun, much like he had seen her wearing in Takodana, when his relief and desperate disappointment had warred in his chest. Her hair was loose over her shoulders, a heavy, golden brown mantle, and a thick shawl wrapped around her body. She was engrossed in the book on her knee, her legs tucked under her, and just the barest peep of a stockinged foot visible.

He had a sudden feeling that they were the only two people in the world, somehow slipped through some doorway to another place, where he had never lost her, where they had never been parted, and the dark of his heart had not spread like a disease through him. They existed now outside time, in the snow tundra outside, the only lamp left lit in a quiet world of swirling white and ice.

As though pulled by his thoughts, Rey’s eyes strayed to his, as she turned the page.

“You have awakened, at last…” she murmured, closing her book, with her finger between the pages. He blinked a few times, rolling his head a little, and feeling piercing pain in his neck.

“Has it been long?” He rasped out, turning his eyes to the dancing shadows of flames along the wooden ceiling of the inn room.

“No, not overly long. Lunch will arrive soon.” she said, holding her book on her knee. He looked at the cover, but couldn’t make out the fine writing.

“What were you reading?” he asked, suddenly keen to extend this gentle moment, where Rey looked at him unguarded, and the walls between them both seemed low. She glanced at the book, and suddenly grinned. The slight wickedness to the curve of her lips sent his heart beating faster.

“One of your favourite authors… Miss Radcliffe, wasn’t it?” she teased.

“Ah yes, undoubtedly” he murmured, before frowning.

“Where did you acquire it?”   
“In the common room” she said causally, and glanced at him as he struggled to sit up, and settled for leaning on his elbow.

“You went to the common room of a roadside inn like this, unaccompanied?” he admonished. Rey rolled her eyes at him, and the gesture was equal parts infuriating and attractive in the fire in her eyes.

“Don’t fuss Ben. I have stayed here alone quite well until you unceremoniously showed up. I can take care of myself, and if it is my reputation that you seek to protect, I think it a little late for that” she sighed. He stared at her a long moment.

“If you wish to go out, wake me, and I will escort you” he settled for saying.

“You are hardly well enough-“

“I will manage” he said, in a tone that brooked no argument.

“Has anyone ever told you how utterly stubborn and infuriating you are?” Rey ground out, as Ben relaxed back to the pillowed floor.

“Yes, you have – many a time. Anyway, I am off the opinion that I might claim the same of you” he muttered, rubbing a hand across his aching head, his hand rasping over the stubble that was lining his jaw.

“A fine pair we make, in that case” Rey jibbed, as she turned back to her book.

“A fine pair indeed” Ben agreed softly, finding his eyes felt once more heavy, despite his long sleep. He shifted an arm under his head, comforted by the soft sounds of the forced domesticity of their small world just then.

“Read to me… until lunch arrives…” he asked softly. Rey didn’t reply, but just when he thought she would refuse, her voice came out clear and gentle.

 

_“-At these moments, Adeline, with a sweetness almost irresistible, endeavoured to enliven his spirits, and to withdraw him from himself”_

 

 

Another day dawned bright, and Ben shielded his eyes from the glare, as he attempted to open them. The piercing quality of light falling on fresh snow evaded his efforts to block it, and he prized his eyes open, to find himself lying on the floor, the fire, a furnace at his back, and his arms, well and truly wrapped around Rey. The rest of the day before was a blur, eating soup that Rey held to his mouth, her soft, cool hands smoothing his hair back from his forehead. Her voice reading to him, for hours on end, before settling them both for sleep, as the night grew dark and darker still outside.

 

Now, she lay in his arms, as a pale sunrise crept over them and it was everything he had imagined, and longed for a lifetime over.

Her face was pillowed by his shoulder, her face gentled by sleep. Her hands were curled into his shirt, as though she would resist if he were to turn away from her. Her leg was thrown over his, and he found himself becoming aware of all the places where her sleeping body touched his own. His head pounded, a heavy exhaustion still lying in his muscles. He fought the urge to cough, feeling a thick and rough sensation in his chest, but was unable to, and the loud, rasping noise jerked Rey awake. She sat up suddenly, the blankets falling from them, as she looked around wildly, her eyes blinking in the late morning light. He saw the moment she remembered herself and looked down to him, jolting a little, as she registered his eyes, already open and trained on her.

“How are you feeling?” she asked immediately, shifting to raise a hand to his forehead.

“Like I forewent sleep for three nights and walked through a blizzard to find you” he said. Her lip raised in the corner at his words.

“I suppose now I have reason to punish you in return… you could have fallen gravely ill” she said.

“Were you worried for me, sweetheart?” he asked lightly, unwilling to let go the intimate closeness he had woken to, not admitting to himself how very much her answer mattered to him. She avoided his gaze, and pulled herself upright, his arms falling away as she did.

“I should get you some food, and then…bathing would not go amiss” she said, angling a look at him that made him laugh, which turned into a cough.

“I apologise for my stench, I did not find the time to retire and bath on the road” he teased her, and she flushed immediately, with the reminder of his arduous journey to find her.

“Well, I am quite well here, as you see. There really was no reason to rush-“ she trailed off as he narrowed his eyes at her.

“You apologised very prettily before. Let us not spoil that, and add to your tally after all” he said. She huffed at the reminder of his promised punishment, as she started around the room with her usual bustle of activity.

“Get better, and then you may talk of punishments” she muttered under her breath. He couldn’t help but smile at her.

 

* * *

 

 

He was no longer smiling a little later, when Rey held a steaming mug of some terrible smelly liquid to his lips.   
“It’s an old Katana family recipe. It will set you to rights quickly”

“Or finish me off – what is in this vile concoction?” he complained. Rey thought a moment, and then smirked at him.

“Best not to know” she said, and then, tilted the cup quite suddenly, causing much of the rest of the liquid to splash inside his mouth. He coughed a little, at the taste more than anything, and glared at her. She was smiling at him.

“You are enjoying my predicament far too much. You could at least gloat in private” he muttered, as he watched servants depart, holding empty pitchers, still steaming from the scaling water they had filled a small, metal tub with.

“That would absolutely defeat the purpose” Rey chirped, running her hand through the water.

He eyed the tub dubiously.

“It looks small” he said, as she started to roll up her sleeves and step toward him.

“It will suffice. Now…. Disrobe” she commanded, and he felt his whole body jolt at her tone. They stared at each other for a long moment.

“Do you require aid to do so?” she asked innocently, after a moment. He nodded immediately.

“Yes, desperately” he said, his voice dropping low with anticipation. Rey folded her arms over her chest.

“Try and remain calm. This is a purely functional bath” she said in warming, as she stepped closer to him, and pulled the blanket off his shoulders, and started to inch up the undershirt she’d put on him. He watched her with fascination. She studiously avoided lower down, keeping her gaze riveted on his throat.

“Rey” he murmured, asking her to raise her eyes to meet his. He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to her lips followed by a mere brush against her cheek, as he whispered in her ear.

“Thank you for taking care of me” he murmured. He leaned away to see her face turning a pretty pink colour, though her eyes were narrowing on him.

“I shall remember your sweet care, when I start to administer your punishment” he said quietly. The flush in Rey’s face deepened.

“Who says I will allow any punishment?” she asked steadily.

“Won’t you?” he asked immediately back, curious to see if she would deny him, if she would deny her own intrigue.

“I take your silence for acceptance… speak now, or I will assume your mind is made up” he said, fear spiking through him as he worried she might very well deny him. He pressed ever closer to her, tried desperately to break through her walls, to be allowed some kind of control or power over her, some kind of indication of her feelings, some kind of guarantee that he would not lose her again, that she would not defy him and leave him once more. He wished he could explain all the contradictions in his heart, evening knowing he could not. He had never understood his emotions, had only been victim to them, and now, he was as helpless as ever in the face of the great and crushing love he felt toward the woman before him.

Rey did not speak, simply stared at him. He realised she was letting her silence speak for her agreement, and the beast within him growled its approval. She was perfect.

“Now, it is your turn to disrobe, my sweet” he said. She swallowed hard, her delicate throat bobbing, before her hands went to the ties of her gown. She pulled them slowly open, and he helped to loosen the stays. The gown slid to the floor heavily. She stood in only her shift, have forgone a corset, being without a lady’s maid at the inn.

He let his eyes wander down her, the length of her hair brushing the tips of her breasts, he could only vaguely make out their shape, beneath the voluminous white material.

“Keep going” he murmured, aware of how throaty his low voice had become. Rey pushed her shift off her shoulders, and it fell to the ground.

He couldn’t help himself from surveying her body, could stop his hands from coming up to grip her by the waist. He wanted her so desperately.

He turned away, determined to stay his lust, and climbed into the bath. It was deeper than it had looked, and hot. The water felt good against his tired muscles. He looked over to her, and gestured her forward.

“My punishment is to wash you? I was planning to do that regardless” she observed, as she picked up the soap bar beside the tub.

“Get in” he ordered, as he opened his legs enough to allow her slender body to fit between them. She stared at him.

“Get in” he said again forcefully. She gripped the side, and stepped into the hot water.

“On your knees” he said, pleased that she complied so quickly, kneeling between his legs. He then held out his hand for the soap.

“Don’t move” he commanded once more, as he took the bar from her surprised hands, and lathered it between his fingers. It was quite coarse, nothing like the soap he longer to lavish her with, but it would do. He wet his hands, and lathered them again, and then set down the bar.

Rey was watching him raptly, her blush had faded a little, and her curiosity was plain on her face.

He reached out, and touched her shoulder with his soapy hands, and then ran down her arms, and across her stomach. He lathered his hands once more, and started over her breasts. She jolted at the touch.

He swirled his hands in patterns around the slight globes of her bosom, pinching the nipples at turns, and caressing, kneading the pliable flesh. Rey’s eyes had closed, her mouth softly parted, and her breathing was hard. She was leaning into him, and he enjoyed every moment of pleasure that stole across her features, all the more because he had put it there.

That feeling of possession over her swept over him one more, stronger than ever. She was sublime. She was perfection and she was his.

“Stand up” he instructed gruffly. She struggled to obey, her legs weak from kneeling and his ministrations.

She rose, water cascading off her to the tub as she went. He took a long moment to stare at her naked form, shining with water and slick with soap. He slowly lathered his hands once more, and started to work up her legs, his fingers kneading into the muscles, dragging along sensitive nerves, sweeping increasingly upwards, as Rey’s breathing once again became laboured, and she began to widen her stance on each upward sweep, as though pleading with him to continue further.

 

He finally worked his soapy fingers into the thatch of curls that preserved her modesty. She shuddered, and he wondered how close to release she was, just from his touch. He stroked her gently, parting the curls to find her soft, fleshy pearl of feeling, and brushed his thumb over it. She jerked again. He traced the outline of the slit between her legs, but did not enter, even as she pressed her hips forward to receive his fingers.

“Turn around and bend over” he ordered, his voice now only a husk, such was the intensity of his desire for her, his satisfied need for dominance over her, his desire to bring her pleasure.

“Ben-“ she said, suddenly seeming unsure.

“Trust me… sweetheart” he implored. He saw the war for control in her eyes, her need to be cautious and careful around him, even her distrust over the distance that had grown between them. And then, she surprised him, by reaching out and cupping his cheek. Her clear hazel eyes stared down at him for a long moment, searching, longing, and it was as if he had looked into the face of heaven. She dropped her hand after that long moment, where his soul felt like it had been carefully checked over, and deemed acceptable, and then, she turned.

She leant forward, bracing her hands on the edge of the tub, presenting her naked form to him, open and stripped of all pretence. It was an act of trust so breath-taking, he could hardly fathom it, except to know that Rey was still as brave as she had ever been. His strong, brave, love. 

“Good girl” he murmured, as he laid his hands gently on the back of her thighs. He stroked slowly upwards, and her muscles jumped beneath his fingers.

When he reached her behind, he ran his hands over the firm, round cheeks, squeezing at turns softly, and suddenly harder. Rey gasped, as he then spread her wide. Her obedience, her lack of movement or question was the most erotic thing he had ever experienced.

She was prostrate, and truly vulnerable before him, and he was humbled by her gift to him.

He ran his fingertips along her, from front to back, and she arched her back, the softest gasp he’d ever heard falling from her lips. She was enjoying it, he realised with a heady flush of pride and pleasure. His base and hedonistic requests were not shaming her, but arousing her. Once again, she was perfect to him.

He leaned forward, and pulled her hips back a little, fitting them firmly against his face, as his tongue stretch out to explore where his fingers had been.

He licked her front to back, enjoying the taste of her, the most primitive part of him revelling in the knowledge that the taste of Rey was his and his alone to know, and he intended to ensure it always would be.

Her thighs were starting to shake, and he focused his attention more purposefully, slipping a long finger inside her, as his tongue moved forward to the front of her, and concentrated there, moving insistently against her, as his finger moved in and out of her, long, languid plunges. He added another finger, twisting them now, as her hips started to bounce toward him in a rhythm, and his tongue pressed harder against her.

She was panting now, and he felt he might be able to come himself, just from the smell and taste of her, the sounds of her pleasure, and the knowledge that it was designed by him.

Her muscles suddenly clamped around his fingers, her orgasm washing over her in a tide, her thighs quivered around his face, as his fingers struggled to move in her vice like grip. He worked her through it, and past it, pressing kisses against the back of her thighs, as she regained her composure.

Her hands were white with pressure on the edge of the bath, as the strength seemed to go out of her, and he gently pulled his fingers from inside her.

He put his arms around her waist, and carefully lowered her onto his lap, conscious of how small the tub was.

She leaned back against him, languid and spent. Her weight on his lap sent his manhood twitching for contact, harder than he had ever been, but even as the temptation of Rey, in his arms, wet and willing, became real, another more pressing physical need crowded in. The water had turned cold now, and he was shivering, he realised. Cursing his weak body, he cuddled her close to him a moment, ignoring the pressing headache that had started to bare down on him once more.

“Still well?” he murmured in her ear, as she relaxed her head against his chest. She nodded lazily, and he wished at that moment he could stay there forever with her.

“Was that my punishment?” she asked suddenly, her voice was satisfied and tired sounding.

“Hmmm… it didn’t quite turn out as such, did it?” he murmured, as he squeezed her around the middle, enjoying the closeness, without clothes between them.

“Not as such” Rey agreed.

“I suppose I will just have to think of something better next time” he said.

“Hmmm” she hummed carelessly. He pressed kisses against her forehead, and then, suddenly turned his head away, coughing violently. Rey sat up in alarm.

“You must be cold, and have overexerted yourself” she chastised, and the beautiful moment between them was shattered, as she stood quickly, and stepped out the tub, leaving him abruptly bereft. She towelled herself quickly, and threw on her robe, before turning to him.

“This was reckless” she was muttering, as she picked up a dry towel, and knelt beside him. He was surprised to see genuine worry in her eyes.

“Rey, worry not, I will pass on from a cold” he said, meaning to tease her, but her fiery eyes met his, and he was arrested by the feeling in them.

“People die of colds and coughs and flus all the time. People die by disease and people die, just travelling home one day.” she said steadily. He suddenly thought of all Rey had lost, the people she had loved, and felt careless in his dismissal.

“I won’t. I won’t leave you Rey. Even if you begged me too. I’m too stubborn for that” he said seriously. She looked at him a long while, her emotions clashing in her eyes., before she turned away, going for clean clothes, warming by the fire.

“Do not make promises you cannot keep” she muttered, only just loud enough to be heard.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Ben watched her as she moved around the room, later, as the fire burned low, and the stars broke through to shine on the snow.

She hid her expression and tended to him, though he hardly needed it now, he didn’t stop her. She was glad he didn’t, she desired some reason to bustle, something to hide behind.

She felt as though she was unravelling. Her desire for Ben, and there was no escaping that it was a strong and burning emotion in her, had blotted out all other thoughts briefly. In the bathtub, submitting to his demands, trusting him so implicitly had been a relief unlike any she was familiar with, and in that moment, her heart had forgotten. It had forgotten what she had lost, it had forgotten her grief. It had forgotten that attachments always led to this same place. Lost and alone, once more.

She wanted to hate him for how he was turning her heart against her, as she hated herself for her emotion’s betrayal, but she could not. He had been a man turned to ice and fire after his experiences at war, and she was seeing those parts fall away, under her very touch. She could not begrudge him that. What scared her more, was the man he was revealing beneath his armour of horror and hurt. No longer the impetuous boy who had sought to make her his own, and struggled with the weight of society’s expectations, and his parent’s wishes. The man Ben was now, took what he wanted, and apologised to no one. She had loved the boy with all the tender naivety of youth and wishful dreams realised. Her feelings for the man he had become were dark and complex, full of raging intensity. Longing and desire, tenderness and fury. They tangled in her like dark roots grown overgrown in the lonely forest of her heart.

“If the snow lightens, we should leave tomorrow” Ben said suddenly, from his seat beside the fire.

“Your chest should heal more” Rey said, unhappy with the rumbling cough that had settled in him.

“I’ll recover quicker in Alderaan… with you by my side” he said, trying to catch her eye. She turned away, and lowered her head over her book on her knee.

“I think you should recover further, before leaving” she said, not contradicting him directly, but from the tense silence in the wake of her statement, she knew that Ben had perceived her meaning.

“You plan to attempt the remaining road to Takodana” he said, his tone incredulous. She rose her gaze to his, and met his angry stare.

“Wither I do or not, it is not for you to decide” she pushed out, wishing her words would push him further from her, create some distance between them.

“I beg to differ” Ben said quietly, and Rey did not like the gleam in his eye as he did.

“Your pretty apologies and worries about your family were all pretence then?” he continued.

“No. The road may be clearer further North” Ben let out a scornful sound at her words, and she flushed.

“You don’t expect me to believe that you truly think that… you have forgotten, my love? I know you, Rey Niima. I know exactly how intelligent you are, and how cunning…”

“It’s Rey Kenobi… I mean, well, it was, before I married. Not Niima” she corrected, focusing on the less explosive part of his words.

“Kenobi” Ben said, his eyes speculative.

“Do you know it?” Rey asked, suddenly interested. He shook his head after a long moment.

“No, I am afraid not… it is simply a memorable name. Do I get no consultation on your plans?”

“I don’t see why you would” she said, and then glanced up just in time to see Ben snapping to his feet, far faster than she had thought possible, and striding to her, dropping her book to the floor, as she protested.

“You do not see why you would? Were you not the one who promised to be mine… mere weeks ago… who traded her autonomy for a friend’s reputation. Have you changed your mind? Hux has not yet wedded Rose, after all” he warned, and Rey glowered at him.

“Do not threaten me”

“Or will you only take orders when they suit you? Only when you like what I make you do? Will you only follow orders when it involves bending over and taking-“ he bit off his words as Rey’s hand landed hard across his cheek.

“Stop!” she hissed at him, a well of sudden anger blossoming in her chest.

“Then desist trying to shut me out!” he demanded, his low voice rough with frustration.

“Almost killing yourself, or indeed succeeding will not return to you what you have lost. Being cavalier with your life is a slap in the face to those who love you, including Mazarine and your dearly departed husband too.”

“You just want me nearby to satisfy your twisted fantasies” she cried out, aiming to hurt him, and avoid the truth a little longer, but her words barely made a dent in his confidence.

“You seem to enjoy them well enough, and you know well that is not why I want you safe, and near me.”

“Do I? How would I Ben? How would I know what you are thinking or feeling, when one day you ruin me, and the next you kiss me like I mean something to you. You want to control me because you want my surrender, you want your revenge… you want your little play thing to toy with… and when you get bored of that – you’ll walk away, and I’ll be alone again”

“Can you really think that?” he said, stepping away from her, his hands that had held her arms falling away. He seemed shocked by her words.

“Can I really be such a monster, that you cannot see the truth of the matter before your eyes” he muttered, turning away, and she had a sudden dropping feeling that she had truly hurt him with her vitriol.

“Well, what is the truth then?” she asked, wrapping her arms around herself. He looked at the fire a long moment, and she thought perhaps he would not reply.

“I want those moments with you. Lost in ecstasy in my bed, locked in my arms. I want to be inside you, and all around you. I want you to smell like me, to other men, so they know that you are mine. I want to wear your scratches on my back, so I will know I am yours. I want you prone and helpless before me, I want you to need me, beg for me, dream of me and long for me with an acuteness you cannot fathom. It is true” he said quietly, and the dark intensity of his words robbed her of her breath a moment.

“But I also want the moments in between. I want to walk with you in Green Park. I want to take you to the opera again, and I want to show you the new Alderaan House. I want you to love it, as I do… I want my life to be full of you, Rey Kenobi Kanata.” Rey was still breathing hard, her heart pounding an unfamiliar rhythm, as she watched Ben try to sort through his feelings. It seemed that his feelings for her were every bit as complicated as hers were for him. He turned and looked at her, his expression eyes a churning sea of contradiction.

“I’ve wanted to punish you for so long… I’ve tried to hate you… I tried to turn missing you into despising you, but seeing you again in London, it was hard to hold onto. Then, knowing that you were… untouched by another… even through the marriage I so detested, and that you gave that gift to me. I can’t hate you anymore. Not even one little bit. In fact, now I know that I never truly did. I only ever missed you… and I hated it…and I hated myself – for loosing you. For not being the kind of man who you could talk to about your mother. For not being the kind of man you could have asked to come with you” he had laid himself wide open before her. She took a step toward him, her guilt over Maz and her grief, pressing and terrible, shifting to the side, as her heart beat for the words he gave her.

“Ben – your parents… it wasn’t the right time”

“You don’t have to placate me. It is past, and there it shall remain. My mother and father, and the wreck they made of each other… the war – the past… I would kill it, if I could, and be free of its shadows. But I do not want to live in those shadows any longer” he said, stepping toward her, and she was caught in the snare of his passion.

“When I am with you  - when we are together, I forget to be as sad as I should be” Rey suddenly blurted out, staying him with her hand, keeping a distance around herself. He stopped his advance immediately and merely waited for her to go on.

“Being with you, I feel frustrated and irritated, and confused, and sometimes… happy. So happy I forget, and then, I remember, and I feel terrible. I was another man’s wife, and he loved me.. and I shouldn’t forget either of them so lightly”

“Maz would want you to feel happy”

“Not mere weeks after her passing-“

“Yes, mere weeks, she would wish you no sadness at all, if what I have heard of her is to be believed. She would want you to be alive, fully, with no foot in death. She loved you. And going to Takodana… it will not heal the wound in your heart. Only time will do that. Instead, it will be a lonely and empty place, full of ghosts… Carry her instead within your heart, and live Rey… laugh and be happy, and take her with you”

“I wanted to say goodbye” Rey said, feeling tears brim, and run hotly down her cheeks.

“I never got to say goodbye” she sobbed, as Ben’s arms went around her, and she pressed her wet face against his shirt.

“She is with you, Rey. You can say goodbye, whenever you want. She is with you” Ben was murmuring, as he ran his hands through her unbound hair and cradled her shaking body against his.

 

That night, after falling into a deep sleep, worn out by her grief and never ending tears, Rey dreamed. In the dream she walked in mountains, similar to Takodana, but the sun was warm, and the sea was a deep blue green. Maz’s favourite poem came to mind, and she recognised the place as the one she often pictured, when she heard the words.

 

_“And we'll all go together_  
To pluck wild mountain thyme  
All around the blooming heather  
Will ye go, Lassie go?”

 

The floor was carpeted with heather, purple and white, it spread for miles and she thought she heard a voice on the wind, like her name, tossed on the sea air. She shaded her eyes, and could just make out two figures, on the brow of the hill.

She woke gently from the dream, the song still echoing in her mind. Her head was on Ben’s chest, and his arm under her. She felt warm and safe, and her mind strangely peaceful. Perhaps her emotional outburst, and subsequent outpouring of tears, or maybe the illusive and contented dream, already moving further and further away in her memory, was the reason, but either way, she felt more at peace. She glanced up at the man who held her, his brutally honest words from earlier still shocking her. This was real, this was happening. Fate had brought Ben Solo back into her life, and she was tired of being afraid.


End file.
